DH wants to try for DC5 in case it's a girl.

[wonder1ng]

I'm 37, DH is 42 and we have 4 boys (7, 5 and non-identical twins just turned 3). So two in school now and the twins go to a nursery playgroup 9 - 12.15 on 3 mornings a week.

My AIBU is that I know DH would love a girl and he's now talking about going for DC5 as "you only live once." Obviously, he knows there are no guarantees, but he claims he would be happy with another boy anyway.

I feel conflicted about it because I'm just starting to get some time back now the twins are in playgroup. I worry if a fifth child would mean I'm spreading myself too thinly - e.g. when we go on holiday, I'd like to be able to do things with the boys we have rather than always being in the sideline "holding the baby." Also I worry about added financial pressure on DH with the school fees and everything else (though he claims it won't make much difference) and while I know some families who have 4 DC, I don't know any who have 5!

AIBU to say 5 DC might be a step too far and DH should just accept that he has 2 nieces and focus on them?!

[Whitelisbon]

I have 5.
Should be 3, but number 3 was twins, and number 5 was a surprise.
It's hard. Really hard. Juggling the needs of all of them, trying to watch the twins and dc5 at the same time (ie in the park) is almost impossible. Shopping is a nightmare - it costs a fortune and I can guarantee someone will have a tantrum.
And everyone and their dog has something to say about it, very few of them positive comments. I just ignore it now but it's hard.
Babysitters are impossible - no-one wants to watch them all, so we never get any time away.
Holidays are difficult - hotels etc don't do rooms big enough, so it's always self catering caravans, which means I never get a day off.
And we had to buy a fucking minibus, because cars to fit that many car seats and a pram just don't exist.

On the other hand, they always have someone to play with. There's always someone available for a cuddle when someone needs one. And they get on really well most of the time, life is never boring, it's loud and chaotic but I wouldn't change it most of the time.
Dc5 has changed our life completely in loads of ways, I'd never be without her now but it was easier before she was here.

[drspouse]

You could look at other options like adoption? At least then it's guaranteed.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

No.

Nobody is going to approve you to adopt a girl just to have a lovely little Daddy's girl who wears pink and likes princesses after 4 boys.
Frankly, you'd struggle to get anyone to approve you to adopt a child after you already have 4, unless your existing children are MUCH older (like secondary school age).

Having another child because you want one of the other gender is a recipe for disappointment - you, the child, or both. What if you have a girl and she isn't girly enough? Will your DH want another one in case he can get a more girly one? Will he reject her because she isn't what he was hoping for?

[Whatsoccuringlovely]

Of course the boys don’t end up feeling not good enough!!! Not unless you bring them up to believe it.

Op my lads have a unique relationship with their youngest sisters and are good dads now. Very hands on.

They were jolly handy babysitters too.

[Mayhemmumma]

I can sympathise having a husband who desperately wants more babies (we have two, one off each) as much as I feel guilty for saying no (well we tried for over a year and it wasn't to be) it's my body, me getting up in the night (BF) and me doing most of the child care. Quite frankly I'm exhausted as it is. Life is getting more enjoyable now they are older, we can afford them and I'm back in the job I love. Babies are lovely, id quite like a girl too....but there's no guarantees about the sex and girl AND boy babies are bloody hard work.

You both need to want number 5. And id always feel sad for him if baby turned out to be a boy.

[EmmyInTheSticks]

I would stick with four as I'd worry too much about giving each child enough emotional support and attention. But if I did go ahead with a 5th I would only do it if I could afford to have gender selection abroad.

[recklessgran]

We have 5 girls. By number 5 I was hoping for another girl despite all the "disappointed" comments from family and friends. Couldn't imagine having a boy on the end of four girls. In your position I would be worried about your DH idolising your DD if you had one and your boys feeling a bit sidelined to be honest. In terms of numbers, once you're outnumbered [i.e after 3] I don't think another one makes much difference. The crucial point is that you really don't sound happy at the idea and on that basis it would be a no from me!

[wonder1ng]

Last night he was suggesting stopping contraception and just seeing what happens. I was saying to him that whether a child is a boy or girl is just one aspect, as I see it, as they all come with unique personalities as it is. It's not as if our boys are a homogenous group. He said yes, he knows this, but wouldn't it be lovely to have a girl, he's always wanted a girl and I'm such a great mum, etc. Also he said people can always find excuses not to do things, but whatever happens people will make things work.

[chocorabbit]

Arrghhh!! As another poster pointed out the twins must have been due to your age so there are still chances you could have twins!! Would you be able to cope with them?

As my children have grown older it has got harder to get them to disengage from one another and playing around and do other things like their homework or their beds. I wouldn't have had the time to chase them around, help them do research for their projects, buy them materials etc. if I had had a baby right now.

[Mayhemmumma]

Hes Good!

[BarbarianMum]

"whatever happens people will make things work"

How does he account for all the things in the world (divorce, disfunctional relationships, broken homes, failing businesses, warring families) that don't work then?

[Whatsoccuringlovely]

Boys are awesome but 7!

I think op it has to be a joint decision but mainly yours as it’s your body. Dh would have gone for 6 but no no way for me.

[tinysparklyshoes]

If you were to have identical twins, they would most probably be same sex (Id b/g twins are very rare)

They're not rare, they are non existent, and not possible.

OP, if you want another baby, have one. If you don't, then don't. That is the only relevant question to be answered.

[dangermouse7]

I also had to laugh at the comment that boy/girl identicals are very rare!

Yeah, like rare as in 'it NEVER happens!'

I would never go for a fifth child in the hope it's a girl. After 4 boys, the chances are very high it will be another boy.

Also, as an aside, I wonder why so many people are desperate for a girl....... I never see people desperate for a boy...

[Marmighty]

He sounds very selfish.

I have quite a few friends from large families (4+) and while some of them have also had large families, the majority have not because they say they want to really know their children well and have the time to provide them with emotional support. Only you know the personalities of your existing children but something to think about.

[Whatsoccuringlovely]

chaiseedd

Excuse me! How rude of you to say that’s too many. Mind your own business. We weee happy with our 5 thankyou very much.

Comments like yours are just bad mannered and ignorant

[Thumbcat]

It sounds to me like you don't want another baby and he's just not listening to you. Is he going to persist until you give in? I'd find that really unacceptable.

[VladmirsPoutine]

It's all very 'he said this, he wants that, the thinks this'....

What do you want OP? What is your position on the whole matter? Yes you've said you would cope either way, but if you internally reflect, what do you think?

[maggiecate]

It sounds as if he's got a very specific idea of what having a girl will be like and he might be disappointed! What is she's a mummy's girl rather than a daddy's girl? She might not be the perfect pink princess who will adore her dad as the the ideal man forever and always. And even if she does, being the golden daughter isn't necessarily all it's cut out to be and it's not always a healthy dynamic, especially if she's the baby of the family.

A serious discussion of exactly why he wants a girl and how he expects his relationship with his daughter to be different from his sons might be in order.

[RhiWrites]

Forget the chance of DH being disappointed. That’s most likely going to be the case but what if he gets his wishes for girl? What about the danger that she’ll be a spoiled baby princess because finally he has that longed for special daddy’s girl?

I think it could be worse if he gets his wish.

And what if the new baby has disabilities? Could you cope with that on top of your 4, OP. Don’t do it.

[BarbarianMum]

Another way of looking at it is that, if you have a fifth, your other children will have less. Less of your time, less individual attention, less money, less space etc At least a fifth less and likely (for the older ones) more.

That's not necessarily going to be a problem but you could look at what they do have and think about whether youre happy to take away 20%

[Whatsoccuringlovely]

marmighty

Stupid generalisation there love.

We know all our 5 very well and they are all different and now wonderful adults.

I know many parents of 1 or 2 kids who have dreadful challenges as they really don’t bother to get to know them and palm them off to all and sundry whenever possible.

Good parenting has bugger all to do with how many children you have. It’s about making time for each child and actually as a child of a big family I cannot imagine anything worse than being the sole focus of both parents.

[Whatsoccuringlovely]

But again If you don’t want another baby don’t have one.

[fretfulsmarties]

'People will make things work'

No, he expects you to make things work. How, if he's at work all day, will he make a significant contribution to make things work in a way that eases the burden on you?

It's such a bullshit cop-out statement. What he's done is brushed off your very reasonable concerns and filed them under 'wonder1ing will manage somehow'.

[CustardDoughnutsRule]

AIBU to say... DH should just accept that he has 2 nieces and focus on them?!

Bollocks to that. DH should accept he has 4 lovely children and focus on that. And bringing them up to know they are wanted.

The issue isn't so much adding a baby into the mix now, it's adding another teenager into the mix in 13 years' time, when your eldest 2 are doing GCSEs and A levels and you have another 3 lots of angst on top. And IF the 5th (6th, 7th - triplets anyone?!) were a girl then logistics are likely to get more complicated - yes she may turn out to do the same sports, cubs etc as the boys but with your DH's desire for a girl she's quite likely to end up doing brownies, ballet, tap, gym. Bedrooms get more complicated, boys will prob resent having to share when she doesn't. Nothing showstopping in itself but added up it's a lot. It must be challenging to carve out one to one time with the older two already.