DH wants to try for DC5 in case it's a girl.

[wonder1ng]

I'm 37, DH is 42 and we have 4 boys (7, 5 and non-identical twins just turned 3). So two in school now and the twins go to a nursery playgroup 9 - 12.15 on 3 mornings a week.

My AIBU is that I know DH would love a girl and he's now talking about going for DC5 as "you only live once." Obviously, he knows there are no guarantees, but he claims he would be happy with another boy anyway.

I feel conflicted about it because I'm just starting to get some time back now the twins are in playgroup. I worry if a fifth child would mean I'm spreading myself too thinly - e.g. when we go on holiday, I'd like to be able to do things with the boys we have rather than always being in the sideline "holding the baby." Also I worry about added financial pressure on DH with the school fees and everything else (though he claims it won't make much difference) and while I know some families who have 4 DC, I don't know any who have 5!

AIBU to say 5 DC might be a step too far and DH should just accept that he has 2 nieces and focus on them?!

[DiegoMadonna]

It doesn't sound like you really want it. And his reason sounds stupid. And 5 kids is ridiculous.

So there's your answer.

[MycatsaPirate]

And who do you think helped the girls make the cards and biscuits? Girls aren't born magically able to be all cute, sweet and having the ability to bake fucking biscuits!

A girl born into a house where there are already four boys is more likely to be out playing with her big brothers at football, rugby or rolling in the mud. She is more likely to want to dress like them and be like them. She may not, she may want to be dressed in a pink dress and baking biscuits for daddy but it's bloody unlikely.

Does he have some sort of preconceived idea of girls? My girls are 19 and 12. 19 is at uni studying to be a paramedic. 12 year old has autism, is obsessed with Bear Grylls and survival methods (she has asked for the BG book for xmas which deals with skinning animals and bear attacks) and hasn't been in a dress for nearly 6 years. She also really has no interest in baking biscuits.

Your dh seems to think that if he has a DD he will have a little homemaker, someone to look after him in his old age while the boys are out making the big bucks. It really doesn't work like that. My 19 year old has zero interest in having kids or even a man in her life right now, she's independent and off studying, working and travelling.

Gender doesn't define a personality. I'd probably let him know that!

[FurryGiraffe]

Also, if it is a girl, who says she’ll bake biscuits and be all fluffy?

This. Plus, presumably DH's brother only has the two girls, who are both of an age to be baking, so DH's brother and his wife have plenty of time to facilitating on a Saturday morning. You'd have considerably less time, even once hypothetical daughter were old enough to be baking biscuits, because you'd have (at least) five children, not two!

[DangerousBeanz]

I used to catch the bus with a woman who had 4 boys, tried for a girl a girl. Had triplets. All boys.

[Phillipa12]

We had two boys when our dd died very suddenly, my then dh persuaded me to have no4 and he said he wasnt bothered about the sex because "we should have 3 dc". I got pregnant and after my 20 week scan i knew my marraige was in trouble when he said to me "well at least one of us is happy with the sex" it was a boy and no he wasnt talking about himself! Now he already had a ds from a previous relationship, so the odds were on a boy anyway which he knew, i am now divorced and although all the boys mean the world to him i cant get over the fact that he only ever wanted dc4 to be a girl, even worse for him put dc4 in a dress and hes the spitting image of his sister. You have 4 healthy happy children out of the baby stage, do you really want to go back and repeat that stage again?

[bananafish81]

@HeartburnCentral not frustrating at all - choosing the sex doesn't sit well with me personally, and I prefer not knowing. I know couples in the US whose genetics reports were from the same lab as us, same format, but with the XX/XY details on it, who opted not to choose which sex if there was a choice. They asked the embryologists to select the best quality of the screened euploid embryos, to give them the best chance of success - and only found out the sex through NIPT or ultrasound, like anyone else. Some of course do choose the sex if offered, but these are all couples who did genetic screening because they're doing IVF for infertility or recurrent miscarriage. Its a tiny minority of people who would voluntarily put themselves through IVF purely to pick the sex of a child

We have 5 euploid embryos on ice (left after the ones I've miscarried) but sadly Drs on both sides of the Atlantic have confirmed I can't carry, so unless we can find a gestational surrogate, we will be unable to turn any of them into a person.

Most embryos are abnormal BTW. We had 13 embryos suitable for testing and 7 were normal. That's completely average for someone of my then - age (34). That's 7 viable embryos from 13 embryos from 31 fertilised eggs from 55 eggs retrieved. Nature is very inefficient.

[Violletta]

interesting (its not something i know anything about!)
about-twins.com/pregnancy/can-identical-twins-be-male-and-female/

Can identical twins be male and female? Yes! Contradictory to popular belief, identical twins can be male and female. However, it is so very rare that twins of different genders are universally accepted as a sound basis for a clinical determination that boy and girl twins are not identical. However, a few cases of identical twins with different genders have been detected.
How can identical twins be male and female?

Occasionally and egg contains three sex chromosomes XXY. This is opposed to the usual XX for a girl or XY for a boy. If this XXY egg splits it can lose a Y in the process, leaving one embryo with a girls XX combination and her identical twin as an XY boy. It’s extremely unlikely that you would experience it, as only a handful of cases are known.
How does a twin become identical?

A woman ovulates and releases one egg. The egg is fertilized by a sperm cell. The egg splits into two within a few days after fertilization. The two eggs consist of several hundred cells that are multiplying. They are developing rapidly into two individual embryos that share almost the same genetic material. Identical twins can share a placenta or have one each. They can be either di-di twins (dichorionic diamniotic), mo-di twins (monochorionic diamniotic) or mo-mo twins (monochorionic monoamniotic). Mo-mo twins are extremely rare. To understand this fully, read about how identical twins are formed.

[Tretchikoff]

To the poster saying that boy/girl twins are very rarely identical- that gave me a chuckle.
They are never identical because errrr one is a boy and one is a girl!
I have fraternal boy/girl twins (almost adults) and I am regularly asked if they are identical. People just don't think.

[WhyOhWine]

I know someone who ended up having 8 children as the DH wanted to keep trying for a boy (they had lots of girls). In fact number 7 was a boy but they still had another, i think because the DH reckonded the boy needed a brother. Another girl arrived! They all seem very happy though and I think they have stopped now!

[MrsFantastic]

I had two boys and then a girl. I've had mothers of three boys tell me how lucky I am to have a girl. They said this in front of their youngest boys. That must make those boys feel so wanted!

You sound like you don't want to go back to baby days, which is completely understandable. Your DH will just have to get over his longing for a girl. Most people can't have everything they want and they just have to accept that.

[extinctspecies]

Think about the impact on the 4 dc you already have.

Is there going to be enough individual attention to go around?

At least with 4 kids & 2 parents you can have 1 hand for each child.

[wonder1ng]

So sorry to read that Philipa. I know we are very lucky with what we have.

Yes he does have preconceived ideas about what it would be like to have a girl. He is quite hard to reason with really. This is how conversations go -

Me - "What if it's not a girl?"
Him - "What if it is?"

Me - "How would you feel about having 5 boys?"
Him - "I'd feel like I have 5 boys".

He also is convinced that if we have a girl, she will be a "mini me" (as in me, not him). I have said there is no telling who she'll be like! I sometimes feel he decides what he wants to think and then that's that.

He wouldn't go anything near part-time at work because he works for himself so it's more of a lifestyle with him. He has periods when he gets very stressed but won't admit it. I have put it to him that he might want to cut back in the next ten years. He says that is a non-issue and it will be fine.

He did get up in the night with the twins because he had no choice. Not with the first two though. He is hands on when he's here.

[QueenAravisOfArchenland]

He really doesn't seem like he's listening to you at all. He just wants to steamroll over you.

That worries me. Does it worry you? What if you just told him, "I don't want another baby, end of discussion"?

[GladysKnight]

Having another child with a man who won't entertain any idea of comprmising his lifestyle will leave you even more dependent and with even fewer choices.

[Rollmopsrule]

I haven't read all the replies op so apologies if it's been said already but it sounds like you have your answer. You are only 50/50. If your in a lucky position to be able to choose then it should be 100%. All kinds of things could go wrong with the plan so why risk it when you have 4 boys and your happy?
Also did you have a career before all your children. Maybe you should be taking steps to re-enter the workforce in the future ( only if you want to obviously!) to increase your independence rather than thinking of having another child to please your husband that isn't actually around much to do all the hard work.

[Seeingadistance]

Trying for another in hope of a girl is a really bad idea from every possible perspective.

The only reason I can see that he wants a girl is that he has extremely rigid and stereotypical views of the differences between boys and girls.

If he wants a child who bakes biscuits and makes cards, why doesn't he do this with the four children he already has? There's nothing about a girl's biology which makes her somehow drawn to baking and card-making!

I think it would be stifling and potentially very damaging to be the daughter of a man who was so desperate for a daughter, because I would also feel that I couldn't be me, but instead the "girl" he imagined I would be.

[Seeingadistance]

always not also.

[somanyusernames]

the mini-me thing sounds like he believes that's some sort of hook you'll be interested in. The only way to deal with firm characters like this is to decide what you think, identify your top two reasons (we can't be certain we'll have a girl/it's a bad idea to have a baby when you have a strong gender pref and i am done with the baby stage) and just keep repeating it ad infinitum.

[SuburbanRhonda]

OP, I’m sure he must have some good points but the more you post about him, the more like a bully he sounds. That conversation - he’s not even acknowledging you have a viewpoint is he?

And the obsession with the gender stereotype of a girl - yuk.

[PinkCrystal]

I have 5DC. My twins were no 3&4. No 5 had health issues and we had no sleep for over a year due to it. But we don't regret it. However I concur that older kids are extremely expensive. Things like helping them out as adults etc becomes more scary.

I didn't care what sex mine were but I had 2 stillbirths and 2 miscarriages. As it happened I had both boys and girls but I really think it's more about personality than biological sex.

[SilverySurfer]

Only go for it if you're prepared to keep trying. I knew a couple who had nine boys, hoping for a girl every time. They got lucky with the tenth.

[missiondecision]

If you do try for a girl, keep it to yourself.
Horrible horrible for a 5th boy to know you actually wanted a girl.

[brilliotic]

OP with your youngest two being 3, do you have any plans/dreams/vague thoughts about what you will be doing with the rest of your life? In a year or two they'll all be at school. What do you envisage yourself doing then? Exactly the same as now, or is there something - anything at all - that you have been putting back for when your children are a bit older?

I know there is something. You have been waiting for your twins to be a bit older, so as that you will have more opportunities to spend time / have fun with your DC1 and DC2.
But there may be more things. A job/career? A hobby, I don't know, cake baking, knitting, sports? Volunteering? Gardening? Having time to read the newspapers? Travelling? Spas and pampering sessions? Going out/to the cinema with friends? Anything that you enjoy but have temporarily sacrificed due to having (twin) babies/very young children.

Ask yourself, are you willing to further postpone that thing you are looking forward to taking up again/having more time for, for another 4 years (or more, what if you try for 12 months first)? Because that's what it would mean to have another baby.
Also be aware you would be postponing being able to spend more time with/having more fun with your eldest to him being 11 (or more). By which point he may no longer be interested in having mummy go to sports events with him/in spending days at the pool with you. I'm not suggesting it would be detrimental for him, just saying that it would be a loss to you. YOU would enjoy spending that time with him; by choosing to have another baby now, you are sacrificing that.

If you work out that YOU don't really want another baby, then tell your DH that. And don't make it about him (what if it is another boy?) but make it about yourself (I don't want another baby, no matter if it is a boy or a girl). Because at the moment it sounds like you're saying to him that you 'wouldn't mind' having another baby (so long as it was a girl, or in other words, so long as it made him happy). You're communicating to him that you're only unsure because it might be a boy and you're worried that he wouldn't be happy. You need to communicate to him that for your own reasons (that have nothing to do with the baby being a boy or a girl, and nothing to do with your DH being pleased or not) you do not want another BABY. And then ask him to get the snip, just to show that you are serious about it!

[knockknockknock]

What would you do if no 5 (or indeed 5&6) we're disabled in anyway? You say now there's sometimes not enough time for your existing children now.

[PatriciaHolm]

Runs his own business? Makes even more sense. He's used to getting what he wants,no one arguing, him being right.

He doesn't actually care what you want. He doesn't sound like he's is even interested in your opinion. His way is the right way.

The more you say the less I like him.