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AIBU?

DH wants to try for DC5 in case it's a girl.

334 replies

wonder1ng · 30/11/2017 09:35

I'm 37, DH is 42 and we have 4 boys (7, 5 and non-identical twins just turned 3). So two in school now and the twins go to a nursery playgroup 9 - 12.15 on 3 mornings a week.

My AIBU is that I know DH would love a girl and he's now talking about going for DC5 as "you only live once." Obviously, he knows there are no guarantees, but he claims he would be happy with another boy anyway.

I feel conflicted about it because I'm just starting to get some time back now the twins are in playgroup. I worry if a fifth child would mean I'm spreading myself too thinly - e.g. when we go on holiday, I'd like to be able to do things with the boys we have rather than always being in the sideline "holding the baby." Also I worry about added financial pressure on DH with the school fees and everything else (though he claims it won't make much difference) and while I know some families who have 4 DC, I don't know any who have 5!

AIBU to say 5 DC might be a step too far and DH should just accept that he has 2 nieces and focus on them?!

OP posts:

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Sceptre86 · 19/02/2020 10:50

My dads cousin had 6 girls and wanted to try for a 7th (his wife was dead against)in the hope for a boy. My dad told him to give his head a wobble and that once the girls grew up and got married he would get some sons anyway. He now has good relations with his son in laws so in a round about way got his sons in the end.

If either of you is not happy to go ahead then it has to be a no.

longwayoff · 19/02/2020 10:17

He wouldn't be so enthusiastic if he had to put the effort in that you would. YABU to allow him to dictate what you do with your body.

TravellingWanabee · 19/02/2020 10:14

Ah, I've just read the whole thread (knowing it was from 2017) in the hope of an update...

Tattooedmama · 19/02/2020 10:13

Oops old thread... did your DH get baby number 5?

Tattooedmama · 19/02/2020 10:12

I have 4 boys, my first 3 were born vaginal delivery and my 4th boy was breech and after a failed manual turn i was booked in for a c section, soon as i knew i was having a section i straight away asked if i could get sterilized and they agreed.
I knew that if i didnt, i would always have that temptation to try for another in the hope to have a daughter, so im glad i went through with the sterilization.
My boys are 14, 12, 8 and 2.
My youngest starts pre school in september and i would like to build a career again and get my body back
I feel so bad when i had my scan with my youngest, i went outside and cried like a baby (and for a week after )
But oh my goodness hes so beautiful, amazing personality and the only one i managed to breastfeed - for almost 2 years. And i wouldnt change him or my other boys (Maybe my 14yo attitude i would definitely change, teenagers are hard work)

MumW · 19/02/2020 09:23

This is an old thread from 2017

Waveysnail · 19/02/2020 09:16

ZOMBIE

Blackandgreenteas · 19/02/2020 09:07

I think it’s a bad idea. As you say you are just getting some freedom back! It’s much easier for him to say this as he doesn’t have to carry the baby , breastfeed etc.

“You only live once” also means spending some time with your body as your own, and being able to enjoy your boys!

Cambionome · 19/02/2020 09:05

Good point Jennifer.

Cambionome · 19/02/2020 09:03

I think you need to learn to stand up for yourself a bit more and also maybe start working towards a more equal marriage.

You are allowing yourself to be steamrollered into something that you don't really want (for very good reasons) and if you do manage to hold out against his pressure you will struggle with guilt. You need to start prioritising your own health and happiness.

Jennifer2r · 19/02/2020 08:51

I will say that kind of attitude is typical of most of the exec directors I know. They get where they are by not accepting other peoples objections to their plans.

Jennifer2r · 19/02/2020 08:49

I'd be absolutely furious at that response.

You clearly told him no, and he's disregarded it (wait a few months) as if yii don't know your own mind. And then asked if you're having a confidence crisis, as if you can't cope with the children, instead of all the really valid and good reasons you have for not wanting another.

IVFabroadMum · 19/02/2020 07:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KhalliWali · 04/12/2017 01:53

If you've got a spare $10k, you could do gender selection in the US. It would be cheaper (and more environmentally-friendly) than keep churning out boys in the hope of getting a girl, or visa versa.

123bananas · 04/12/2017 01:35

When I was growing up at my school there was a family with 12 girls. They kept trying for a boy. 13 and 14 were twin girls. They tried one last time, 15 was a boy.

If you want a fifth child, go ahead but make it be about what you want as the main care giver.

Mxyzptlk · 04/12/2017 01:05

I feel really guilty or as if I'm depriving him of a chance.

Does your DH feel guilty about wanting to deprive you of the chance to get your life back for several more years?

What does he mean "confidence crisis"? He thinks you can manage to produce and look after a 5th (or 5th and 6th) just fine but you're not keen so it must be because you doubt your ability?

As said, he's not listening to you.

notgivingin789 · 04/12/2017 00:50

Agree loni. I think some parents forget that soon, their children will have a life of their own. So what happens then ? Would they soon resent their child because they have practically given up their “lives” to raise them ?

Children are not accessories... or a warped fantasy of having a little mini me... they are human beings, with separate wants, needs, desires.

OP, have you ever thought about the prospect that the relationship between yourself and your partner may break down, and you become a single parent to 5 DC’s ? Not to discredit single parents who have this number of children. You are awesome. But OP, it’s very easy for men to leave all the child bearing to the mothers and live a life as a single lad.

Please, think carefully about this.

gingergenius · 03/12/2017 22:24

No. You either want another child or you don't. I'm a single parent of three. It's hard. Bollocks to sex segregation. My 3rd child wasn't planned. I have 2 boys prior. My ex wanted me to abort because I was 39 and he wasn't sure what sex it was.

By the third me my 20 week scan came along I didn't give a flying fuck what sex my baby was. I would have loved a girl. As it happens, I got one. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Apart from death. And taxes.

timeisnotaline · 03/12/2017 22:10

Maybe you should go away for a week to give him an idea of what's needed to support you through a 5th pregnancy?

LordSugarWillSeeYouNow · 03/12/2017 22:05

A family near me were the opposite and had 4 girls varying in age from late teens to pre school age and accidentally! became pg and had a boy. She was convinced it would be another girl, took it in her stride ( god only knows how ) and this year had her 6th, another boy.

I think as pp have said, if it's to satisfy the chance of having a girl then it's not the right reason. If dc4 had been a girl, do you think your dh would still want a 5th?

I have 2 and wonder how people cope with lots of dc but that's just me.
My dbro and exsil had 2 girls and he was desperate for a boy and dc3 was indeed a boy, same as his twin, yes they got 2!

Good luck whatever you decide to do op.

NameChange30 · 03/12/2017 22:00

What Olivia said.

LoniceraJaponica · 03/12/2017 21:57

I'm glad you said that notgiving. I sometimes think that some women feel defined by being a mother and can't see a life beyond that.

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OliviaBenson · 03/12/2017 21:51

So you said no.....and he says give it a couple of months.

Then he try's to make out you are having a confidence crisis?

He's very manipulative. He's not listening to you is he?

notgivingin789 · 03/12/2017 21:41

I’m not sure about other people. But life isn’t all about having kids after kids after kids after kids. Don’t you want a life of your own ? Enjoy the 4 DC’s you have already. Your lucky to even have 4DC’s anyway.

Go on adventures, be happy to see them grow up. Do something for you... pick up a new hobby, go back to study, meet new people.

wonder1ng · 03/12/2017 21:10

Thankyou. I'm not sure I want to be hitting 40 and still in the toddler stage. It's ok if you start later, but it's harder when it's your fifth. As to could I manage on my own, well I would if I had to. I would be fine financially and practically, it's the emotional support I would miss.

Anyway, I told him last night about how I felt and he basically said that my health matters more than anything, but give it a few months and see how I feel then. He said sorry if he's made me feel pressured, he was just being honest about how he felt, but he doesn't want me to be stressed either. He did ask me if I'm going through a "confidence crisis" . I said no I'm not, I am thinking realistically.

Thanks to everyone for all the comments because it's been very helpful indeed.

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