To talk about the elephant in the room

[alittlebit]

Okay, so.
My friend is a lesbian and has a wife. She has been very broody the whole time I’ve know her but she and her wife chose to use their savings on their wedding and assumed they would still be able to afford to go down a complicated fertility plan. So they wanted the wife’s egg and a donor sperm and my friend to carry the baby, which obviously costs a lot more than just using a sperm donor.
Now they have realised they can’t afford to do this as it’ll take years of saving and my friend is 35 so the chances of it working decrease each year (so I’m told).
So they’re looking for a sperm donor and one of them drunkenly (and I’m hoping jokingly) asked DH for some of his. We laughed it off and didn’t mention this again.
Went out with friend a few months later and after a few drinks she keeps mentioning that we have the perfect family, we have everything ‘made’, that every time we have sex, we’re just ‘flushing away’ what she and her wife desperately need. She has asked if we are planning anymore children, wouldn’t DS like any sibling, if either of us have ever considered donating eggs/sperm, how long it took us to conceive, wouldn’t it be nicer if we were all closer etc. Just awkward.
I just change the subject.

Other than the one time (said drunkenly and I’m still hoping, jokingly), they have never seriously asked DH. So am I making wild assumptions here or does it sound like they’re building up to ask him to be their donor?
If so... what the hell do you say to that?

No?

You say no fucking way.

I doubt they’re going to ask to be honest, would be way too complicated from their POV.

Lie and say he's had the snip?

Sorry, I had meant to put at the end, should I just bring it up and get the conversation over and done with?

He’s not their only male friend, presumably. And it’s easy and relatively cheap to buy sperm abroad. Just say no if you don’t like the idea.

I think I’d try to bring it up and tell them it’s a no go. Perhaps you really admire donors but it’s definitely not for you.

It doesn't need to be awkward, surely? You just say that your family is complete and you don't feel comfortable with producing a half-sibling of your children, but you hope they find a willing donor soon.

No, just no.

Goodness, why don’t you just give them your DS? How selfish of you to keep him to yourself when that exactly what they need?

Next time they mention it (and obviously make sure your dh is on board first) put a big stop to it by saying no way would he do it.

You just say that your family is complete and you don't feel comfortable with producing a half-sibling of your children, but you hope they find a willing donor soon.

Seriously you need to tell them no ASAP before they start getting serious about it all.

You need to be straight with them should they ask, but gentle. This must be a tricky time for them. Tell them you will support them in every way except donation. You should feel no obligation whatsoever, this would change your lives and friendship not to mention your relationship forever.

Awkward thing is, is that we probably will try for another child in a few years.
DH isnt actually a fan of my friend or her wife. He has said that recently he feels like they’re eyeing up his balls lol.
He’s 100% not interested.

It would be very, very complicated.

Donor sperm from a reputable clinic in the U.K. is not itself prohibitively expensive. The ivf and embryo transfer issue is what ratchets up the costs.

Don't feel bad, they have options and there's a lot to be said for an anonymous donor.

I'd just withdraw from the friendship. They put a wedding before a child. Hmm nice sensible decision makers not. Not sensible enough to parent a half sibling to a child of mine.

Just tell them upfront you don't feel comfortable with it - you certainly don't owe them anything if you don't want to do it.

No it’s not ‘awkward’!! Don’t let it be anything but a natural progression to have another child!

Say no.

It's nothing to do with you and entirely their fault they spent all their money on a wedding and didn't have the sense to realise having a child would cost money.

Sounds like they were joking and you took it seriously.

He has said that recently he feels like they’re eyeing up his balls lol

Sorry this made me laugh, they want to milk him

Seriously though, nip this bugger in the bud. Next time she brings it up, look her dead in the eye and tell her it’s not happening and to shut up about it with a deadpan face.

Given he is aware they may ask, and has made it clear he'll say no, then this seems quite simple to me - they may ask and he'll say no.
If your friend tries to get you to 'persuade' dh, then remind her about consent, and how it applies to everyone.
Being unable to conceive doesn't give anyone a right to another person's semen/eggs/uterus without their complete agreement.

I was going to say: talk to your H about it, because you don't get to veto the idea without even consulting him (you do not own him, his dick or his sperm). But you have said he doesn't like this couple and would hate the idea, so fair enough. Just put it out of your mind, and if they do ask outright say that it wouldn't work for you, good luck.

Sounds like they were gently sounding you both out.

A quick text to say please stop with the sperm jokes as it's making you both uncomfortable and it obviously isn't a real option. From your end anyway.

Can't you say that for medical reasons he's just had the snip and will fire blanks? White lie, but saves friendship perhaps if you can't say no

And what would you do when the come after your DH for support for his child?