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AIBU?

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Original poster

To talk about the elephant in the room

206 replies

alittlebit · 04/11/2017 22:03

Okay, so.
My friend is a lesbian and has a wife. She has been very broody the whole time I’ve know her but she and her wife chose to use their savings on their wedding and assumed they would still be able to afford to go down a complicated fertility plan. So they wanted the wife’s egg and a donor sperm and my friend to carry the baby, which obviously costs a lot more than just using a sperm donor.
Now they have realised they can’t afford to do this as it’ll take years of saving and my friend is 35 so the chances of it working decrease each year (so I’m told).
So they’re looking for a sperm donor and one of them drunkenly (and I’m hoping jokingly) asked DH for some of his. We laughed it off and didn’t mention this again.
Went out with friend a few months later and after a few drinks she keeps mentioning that we have the perfect family, we have everything ‘made’, that every time we have sex, we’re just ‘flushing away’ what she and her wife desperately need. She has asked if we are planning anymore children, wouldn’t DS like any sibling, if either of us have ever considered donating eggs/sperm, how long it took us to conceive, wouldn’t it be nicer if we were all closer etc. Just awkward.
I just change the subject.

Other than the one time (said drunkenly and I’m still hoping, jokingly), they have never seriously asked DH. So am I making wild assumptions here or does it sound like they’re building up to ask him to be their donor?
If so... what the hell do you say to that?

OP posts:
Catsize · 05/11/2017 07:45

OP, it isn’t massively uncommon or daft. You are both known to them, and they are clearly very fond of you both. Perhaps your DH is their ideal choice and many DHs are current and past sperm donors. Likewise, friends or sisters donate eggs sometimes. Sticking my neck out here, I don’t think she has done anything wrong. She is sounding you out. We all know how fraught and desperate the desire to have a child can be, particularly where fertility treatment is involved. It doesn’t suit you, which is fine. However, we were offered sperm by two different men - both married, and that was without asking. Also one single man. We declined for numerous reasons, not least because we wanted to go down the clinic route.

Catsize · 05/11/2017 07:47

I should say, if it is raised again (which it probably won’t be if you gave negative signals during sounding out), then obviously say no but in a sensitive way. Discuss with your DH first so he’s in the loop and it doesn’t look like a unilateral decision.

daisychain01 · 05/11/2017 07:47

I’d just go AWOL from the “friendship” for a time, remove the opportunity for it to ever be brought up in conversation. She sounds way too manipulative based on what you’ve said, and you’d have to constantly be on your guard dreading the “elephant in the room” topic being mentioned.

That’s not a nice basis for a friendship.

Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon · 05/11/2017 07:51

The more you post the more this woman sounds like a total nightmare.
For context, when dh and I struggled with fertility and our friends were popping out kids left and right, i sucked it up, cried on dh's shoulder in private, and congratulated them each and every time. What I didn't do? Suggest their dhs impregnate me, or that they were responsible for my MH. We went about our days and continued with our fucking expensive treatments.
Would losing this person as a friend (and if she ditches you because your dh won't hand over his semen then she's never been your true friend anyway - most friendships don't have that as a condition!!) really be such a tragedy? Confused

justilou1 · 05/11/2017 08:00

Has it occurred to you that the wedding expense was justified because they had already sorted your husband out as their sperm donor (in their own minds?). I have been put in a similar position and it didn't go down well with my now ex friend. I'm okay with this as they assumed incorrectly that my husband and I would both be totally cool to donate half siblings for my own three. (That they had shown no interest in at all, btw)

ovenchips · 05/11/2017 08:00

If it was a drunken conversation I would ignore it.

If they ask properly (and I would wait for them to do so) your husband presumably will say he doesn't want to and you can say you don't want him to. You don't have to give lengthy explanations.

As for all their other stuff (using their money for wedding etc etc) that was their decision and isn't of relevance here. They made their decisions which means they may want your husband's sperm, you and your husband have made your decision that you would say no.

I think you're actually in a decent position - you're forewarned that it may come up as a serious question and you can think of a way to answer it that completely closes the door while being kind, (as this is your friend after all whatever her perceived faults).

How she takes after that is all her choice. If she takes it badly the friendship may not last. But at present you are quite a way from that imaginary scenario!

allegretto · 05/11/2017 08:00

Awkward thing is, is that we probably will try for another child in a few years.

That's not awkward. Just tell the truth that you don't want to!

Original poster
alittlebit · 05/11/2017 08:02

@Catsize in theory I don’t think she has done anything wrong by thinking about it, even wanting to ask the question, but it’s the way they’ve gone about it all that has bothered me. Now it feels like the unasked question. DH feels uncomfortable, they have never been particularly nice to him or tried to get to know him, and he says he’s just not comfortable being around them as they ask inappropriate questions or just act odd.
I just want the whole situation over. Either have them ask the questions so we can put it to bed or me just bring it up and say no, but risk offending them incase I’ve got the wrong end of the stick.

OP posts:
Alibobbob · 05/11/2017 08:03

Your husband is uncomfortable with the idea and at the end of the day it's his decision just tell her he's in no way interested.

SomethingNewToday · 05/11/2017 08:04

Christ are people for real? Tell them you have religious parents, tell them you're planning more children yourself first, explain that your dh would feel uncomfortable, explain that you feel it would affect the friendship...all suggestions, plus lots more.

Fuck that. Tell them NO. The end.

And if they don't like it or try to emotionally blackmail you or make you feel bad, tell them to fuck off. You don't have to invent reasons for not wanting your dh to have a child with someone else!

SilentlyScreamingAgain · 05/11/2017 08:05

Hopefully your friend was sounding you out, you've made your discomfort clear and it won't be mentioned again. If it is and you feel that a blank 'no' would upset a friend, who you don't want to upset, you could suggest this company or maybe have a look at the website together.

dk.cryosinternational.com/donor-search

INeedNewShoes · 05/11/2017 08:07

You can have donor IUI at a reputable clinic for less than £1000. If they can't find that amount of money between them within a year they would struggle to afford to bring up a child anyway.

It as absolutely unacceptable to be approaching friends and applying pressure in this way.

I have a baby who is the result of donor sperm. When friends knew that this was my plan a few of them offered to be the donor and I refused. It's too complicated and not fair on any party, least of all the potential child, for the donor to be a man who has been talked into it and who they might be bumping into multiple times a year.

TheCatsMother99 · 05/11/2017 08:07

No bloody way!

They prioritised a wedding over funding their potential child, they don't get to bully people into this, they made their choice.

Laiste · 05/11/2017 08:16

Get a couple of responses ready to cope with the way the question might be famed and wait till they ask again.

Then say no.

OP, as delicate as your friend's mental state may be it's not your job to provide her with a yes to everything. You've been a good friend so far, this is a step too far for you, it's something you can't help with. Just say sorry, no.

MamaOfTwos · 05/11/2017 08:34

If your 'friends' mental health is so unstable then how on earth could they manage a child?

Tell her no, it's not possible and it's not up for discussion. You've googled some clinics for them and here are the details. End of

Catsize · 05/11/2017 08:34

OP, the friendship may naturally drift, or you may need to create some distance. If your DH is uncomfortable around them then I am not sure how it can continue really. They do sound fairly high maintenance.

Even if they found a suitable donor, it is the treatment of egg transfer etc that costs the thousands. In crude terms, you wouldn’t be saving them that much in proportion to the overall costs - particularly as it may take several attempts. I really wouldn’t worry. You sound very lovely to be so concerned.

And as PPs have said, to those who criticise them for prioritising marriage before children, that’s not exactly uncommon.

TwentyChews · 05/11/2017 10:17

Tell her, as part of the "no" conversation that you are 100% not rejecting her, your friendship, her plans for motherhood but it is sperm donation from DH that is not for you.

Gemini69 · 05/11/2017 10:27

I wouldn't be discussing my sexual activity with my husband with anyone .... and your explaining yourself is beyond the pale ... having more kids or not is yours and you DH's business and nobody else's... no more Lady... Flowers

Gottagetmoving · 05/11/2017 10:28

Just tell her 'No way' and besides,....your dh is not interested in being a sperm donor.
Then leave it to her whether she still wants to be your friend.

user1499786242 · 05/11/2017 10:30

So they cant afford a much wanted child
But at least they have their wedding photos right?
Some people blow my mind

dinosaursandtea · 05/11/2017 10:38

As an extremely broody lesbian (whose married friends once offered the DH up as a donor but we declined for some of the reasons mentioned above) your 'friend' is being an absolute nutjob. Back the fuck away.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/11/2017 10:45

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried

In this situation, the OP should be told all of the ramifications of a 'private' sperm donation deal. If only to further cement their stance on "no".

chitofftheshovel · 05/11/2017 10:59

Well personally I would say yes. Why not? But then I would be totally willing to be a surrogate for someone. I've been incredibly lucky to have two mistakes, why not help someone else?

SomethingNewToday · 05/11/2017 11:08

Why not?

Seriously? Apart from the whole not wanting to have a child with a random person, the woman would be entitled to maintenance from the op's dh.

Any man would have to be crazy to put himself in that position.

Go to a spermbank like a normal person, don't eye up the men you know.

chitofftheshovel · 05/11/2017 11:16

Not necessarily actually. There are ways and means.

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