To talk about the elephant in the room

[alittlebit]

Okay, so.
My friend is a lesbian and has a wife. She has been very broody the whole time I’ve know her but she and her wife chose to use their savings on their wedding and assumed they would still be able to afford to go down a complicated fertility plan. So they wanted the wife’s egg and a donor sperm and my friend to carry the baby, which obviously costs a lot more than just using a sperm donor.
Now they have realised they can’t afford to do this as it’ll take years of saving and my friend is 35 so the chances of it working decrease each year (so I’m told).
So they’re looking for a sperm donor and one of them drunkenly (and I’m hoping jokingly) asked DH for some of his. We laughed it off and didn’t mention this again.
Went out with friend a few months later and after a few drinks she keeps mentioning that we have the perfect family, we have everything ‘made’, that every time we have sex, we’re just ‘flushing away’ what she and her wife desperately need. She has asked if we are planning anymore children, wouldn’t DS like any sibling, if either of us have ever considered donating eggs/sperm, how long it took us to conceive, wouldn’t it be nicer if we were all closer etc. Just awkward.
I just change the subject.

Other than the one time (said drunkenly and I’m still hoping, jokingly), they have never seriously asked DH. So am I making wild assumptions here or does it sound like they’re building up to ask him to be their donor?
If so... what the hell do you say to that?

thy dont even sound nice
-flushingit away and your perfect family?

you do know your dh would b legaly obliged to pay maintenance

I think you’re massively overthinking this. It’s not awkward or complicated. If they ask he just say “ha! Yeah, good one.” If they insist he says “not on your nelly love”

There are legal ramifications if they don't use a sperm bank donation. I think it is to do with the "parents" part of the birth certificate.

I don't want to say too much only that a family member went through sperm donation from a clinic and had to take the paperwork to register the birth.

And what would you do when the come after your DH for support for his child?

you do know your dh would b legaly obliged to pay maintenance

Are you two reading a different thread? the man is 100% not interested in fathering their child!

Then just tell them that as you are planning more children yourself, you don't feel comfortable producing a half-sibling of your children. It really isn't awkward.

If I, as a heterosexual woman, came around with my DH for dinner, and said 'we're having a spot of bother conceiving, and need a sperm donor, do you fancy obliging? ' would you have any qualms or feel in the slightest bit awkward about saying 'thanks but no thanks!'?

Presuming the answer is no, why is it different in this scenario??

And no, it's not awkward that you may try for a child again soon. He is your dh, and you are in a relationship where you are both willing and able to conceive. Your friend is not. That's not necessarily due to the fact she's gay - many heterosexual couples cannot conceive for a myriad of reasons too. It would be no more reasonable for an infertile man to suggest your DH inseminates his wife. There are options out there, and many of us have spent a lot of money trying to get pregnant.

So just shut them down next time they bring it up. 'No, dh is definitively not interested, nor am I, stop mentioning it, you're making us uncomfortable '. Easy.

Tell them this would get far too complicated and your DH has no interest in being a sperm donor. I think they are serious and are definitely sounding you out. Shut it down now so they can start looking around elsewhere.

Maybe next time just be super clear that it's a no from both of you and then it probably wont get brought up again.

It’s awkward because my friendship with this woman is really complicated.
She is very much a self loather and often slags herself off, puts herself down and requires a lot of reassurance and effort. I don’t see her that much for this very reason but then she goes on about how I’m her closest friend and how we’re practically family and how much she needs me. She’s told me that I saved her from suicide without even knowing it. She takes rejection incredibly hard.
I genuinely don’t know how she would react if she thought we were refusing to help her have a family but continued to grow my own. She’d take it personally. That’s why I’m so worried whether she is sounding me out. She’s crap at taking hints and you need to be brutally honest with her which I’ve never had the balls to do.

No matter how self-loathing she is, and how bad at taking hints she is, she cannot think it is normal to ask you to share your DH's sperm and to have his biological child living with them and staying in contact with you all and seeing you regularly!

The saying 'it's a bridge too far' was not invented for this situation. It's a whole continent too far.

OP... she is abusing your friendship and manipulating you by bringing up the intimacies of her suicide threats and depression... this is highly inappropriate and very calculating .. they are basically 'trying' to emotionally blackmail you and your DH into handing over HIS sperm...

next time you talk... tell them absolutely not.. they can find a donor online ... and it's non negotiable ...

I’m all for being direct and honest, but I suspect in this case I’d cite my (or DH’s) very religious parents. Tell her they could never accept this kind of fertility treatment, it would cause them too much stress. And you obviously wouldn’t feel right about doing such an important thing secretly. Covers all bases!

It sounds as as if you have been a very good friend to her OP and now her expectations are high that you will help her out with this as well - but it goes way beyond the requirements of friendship! You & your husband should have no qualms about refusing if that is the right thing for you; do so kindly but firmly, and wish her well. She sounds quite manipulative & impertinent in the things she said to you when drunk - the very fact she approached such a serious issue in such a disrespectful way in itself suggests such an arrangement with her might be problematic. Any future children you have with your husband is entirely your own business and nothing to do with her.

You or your DH don't have to do anything you don't want to. It's best to be upfront, and tell them as soon as possible. Then you can all move on - you to less awkward conversations with them, them to finding a donor who is not your DH.

RaindropsAndSparkes are you for real with this? "they put a wedding before a child. Hmm nice sensible decision makers not" It's hardly unusual to get married before thinking about kids, is it? or do you have a problem with it because they are both women? I frankly can't imagine you saying that about a straight couple - that it's poor planning to spend on a wedding before you have kids.

Its nothing to do with their money and what they spent it on. It doesn't need any explanation, that's ridiculous all the knots and tangles OP is meant to get into, just say NO. If the friendship is over as a result then its over.

Archery I took it that Raindrops meant if they are really serious about having a child they have the £ but would rather spend it on a massive party for themselves, than spending money on having a baby - without thinking of the consequences on the sperm donors family.

"But you're such a good friend, it would feel like incest!"

Jesus they piled it on thick during drinks that night!

I don’t think you should have entertained that conversation and gone into conceiving, future kids etc as they clearly haven’t taken him as an absolute no as a donor. Next time say ‘no, I don’t want to discuss this again.’ And if they continue then leave the restaurant/bar - they’re being manipulative.

Can your husband send them a text or quick phone call himself to confirm the ‘hell no’? I would be very careful with this friend, as chances are if they don’t find a donor, she’ll blame YOU for her lack of kids and that isn’t fair. She has already done so with ‘just flushing away’

All this time they spent trying to secure your husband could have been spent finding another donor!

Archery I’d judge any couple regardless of sexuality for having a bells and whistles wedding (if they did, that hasn’t been said but I’m hypothesising) when they acknowledge they’re on a timescale. Marriage before children is totally sensible from a legal perspective, it just doesn’t have to be an expensive affair.

Archery Annie - in fairness, most heterosexual couples won't necessarily think that they'll have to pay to get pregnant, whereas samesec X couples can guarantee it won't be straightforward.

I have no idea how much these things cost so I’m literally pulling figures from midair here but the way I have understood it is they needed £10000 to conceive how they wished, they saved around £6000 towards it but then decided they would be in a stronger position if they were married first. They then spent £5000 on the wedding so basically we’re back to square one with savings.

Personally, IMO, if the marriage was purely to strengthen their position then they could have just had the ceremony at the reg office and not used up their savings, but it’s easy to see how you can get carried away planning a wedding. And it’s not my money so none of my business. Except when they’re wanting to pinch my husbands sperm... then it’s my business.

Just be honest but do it in a way which is respectful and kind so no one feels embarrassed and everyone knows where they stand.

For Fuck's sake NO. Why do they keep asking for your DH's sperm? How weird. I would have told them where to go by the 3rd attempt at asking.

It's very odd that they keep asking. Ask them WHY they keep asking. Don't lie about sod-all, just say 'why do you keep asking us? It's obviously a NO.' And then laugh at how pathetic the suggestion is.

It's not your problem that they are physically incapable of having a child together, and they have no right to make you feel bad because they have issues or problems or low self esteem. It's very manipulative of them actually.