To talk about the elephant in the room

[alittlebit]

Okay, so.
My friend is a lesbian and has a wife. She has been very broody the whole time I’ve know her but she and her wife chose to use their savings on their wedding and assumed they would still be able to afford to go down a complicated fertility plan. So they wanted the wife’s egg and a donor sperm and my friend to carry the baby, which obviously costs a lot more than just using a sperm donor.
Now they have realised they can’t afford to do this as it’ll take years of saving and my friend is 35 so the chances of it working decrease each year (so I’m told).
So they’re looking for a sperm donor and one of them drunkenly (and I’m hoping jokingly) asked DH for some of his. We laughed it off and didn’t mention this again.
Went out with friend a few months later and after a few drinks she keeps mentioning that we have the perfect family, we have everything ‘made’, that every time we have sex, we’re just ‘flushing away’ what she and her wife desperately need. She has asked if we are planning anymore children, wouldn’t DS like any sibling, if either of us have ever considered donating eggs/sperm, how long it took us to conceive, wouldn’t it be nicer if we were all closer etc. Just awkward.
I just change the subject.

Other than the one time (said drunkenly and I’m still hoping, jokingly), they have never seriously asked DH. So am I making wild assumptions here or does it sound like they’re building up to ask him to be their donor?
If so... what the hell do you say to that?

wine yes, I totally get it. I expect in your colleague's shoes I would feel exactly the same. When we had (unsuccessful) egg donor treatment I chose an annonymus donor but if there had been a child they could have tea rd the donor as an adult.

So yes I totally get why you told tc the story and agree there is a risk.

mumto2two that's terrible your friend won't tell her kids. It is always better to use age appropriate truth. The shock of the reality could alienate the children from their mum of it is found out.

Traced not tea!

From a lesbian viewpoint, the answer is "No!" You do not owe an explanation.You do not need to justify anything.

I don't really think that the friend has done anything wildly wrong. One drunk speculative conversation that wasn't shut down and might have led to them thinking it was perhaps a possibility followed up by a more serious conversation where the OP was given the perfect opportunity to say no when she was asked 'have either of us ever considered donating eggs/sperm'. The OP could have very easily just have said no and I'm not sure why she didn't, her 'just changing the subject' is what has made things more difficult now. It doesn't sound hugely awkward, it wasn't 'give me your sperm' and the OP's dh has a very good reason that has nothing to do with the friends why it's not something he would do. Now it's a bit more tricky as she'll either have to raise the issue or wait until an opening arises. Or, as the friendship sounds a difficult one, you don't see each other often and there is some time urgency just avoid seeing her for for a while, the situation may well resolve itself without you having to do anything at all.

I do agree Newshoes. There are many deserving donee parents out there, raising their children with truth & love. I do however find anonymous donation quite disturbing. Banned here and in many other countries, for very good reasons, and rightly in the interests of children born this way. Unfortunately there are still some countries that have not legislated against this yet, and for which this lady I mention, explored no other option whatsoever. Money was no object.
Just my opinion of course, and in no way directed at anyone other than people like this. For people like her , there really is nothing that money can't buy. And their children, if they are ever actually told, will never ever have the option to trace their genetic parents. That seems very sad & very selfish. Putting your present needs beyond the future rights of the child just seems so wrong.

I would drop into conversation that you and your husband would NEVER be up for that, but don't make it obvious that you think they're hinting. So maybe next time she brings it up or says something about it, you could say something sympathetic, like ... 'I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, finding a sperm donor that you know must be difficult... I suppose because most couples would find it too strange to donate sperm and then know that there is a child that's partly theirs out there with another couple...' and maybe talk about all the reasons that you and DH couldn't do it, but pretend you're only just thinking of it now, during the conversation! That way, it puts a stop to it in her mind without you having to have the awkward conversation! Because imagine you brought it up and she had never been planning to ask you in the first place. That would be really embarrassing...