To talk about the elephant in the room

[alittlebit]

Okay, so.
My friend is a lesbian and has a wife. She has been very broody the whole time I’ve know her but she and her wife chose to use their savings on their wedding and assumed they would still be able to afford to go down a complicated fertility plan. So they wanted the wife’s egg and a donor sperm and my friend to carry the baby, which obviously costs a lot more than just using a sperm donor.
Now they have realised they can’t afford to do this as it’ll take years of saving and my friend is 35 so the chances of it working decrease each year (so I’m told).
So they’re looking for a sperm donor and one of them drunkenly (and I’m hoping jokingly) asked DH for some of his. We laughed it off and didn’t mention this again.
Went out with friend a few months later and after a few drinks she keeps mentioning that we have the perfect family, we have everything ‘made’, that every time we have sex, we’re just ‘flushing away’ what she and her wife desperately need. She has asked if we are planning anymore children, wouldn’t DS like any sibling, if either of us have ever considered donating eggs/sperm, how long it took us to conceive, wouldn’t it be nicer if we were all closer etc. Just awkward.
I just change the subject.

Other than the one time (said drunkenly and I’m still hoping, jokingly), they have never seriously asked DH. So am I making wild assumptions here or does it sound like they’re building up to ask him to be their donor?
If so... what the hell do you say to that?

Gah, lots of drama. Wait till they ask. Say no. The end.

no, your DP would end up on the hook for child maintenance which can be a big chunk out of your income. tell them to adopt if they want a family that badly.

It's your call, bring it out in the open or wait for them to ask. You could always say something like

"I really admire those who donate sperm or eggs, I know DH and I could never do it."

I had treatment with donor eggs (unsuccessful, have birth dd and adopted son) and I sympathize with their desires.

However, you do not owe them anything just because you have a child or your dh has some sperm.

The friend obviously didn't look into how expensive the process would be which kind of show they are either immature or the family meant less than wedding celebration. It would be a very big no and next time it is mentioned would comment that DH and you would not be interested.

I agree with expat!
If they're good friends they'll accept your decision without bad feeling and can explore other avenues.
No need to agonise over the conversation.

Talk to your DH about them and explain that you're dead against it. Then ignore it. You don't want them saying to him you've agreed when you haven't. I think it's a barmy idea and they need to stop giving you grief.

No need to fib or make lame excuses. Simply say sorry, but neither of you would be comfortable with it.

I think the longer you laugh off their suggestions and remain non committal, the more you are giving them a glimmer of hope that you might be receptive to the idea?

Better to nip it in the bud as soon as the subject is raised.

Just say NO way, and please don’t ask again otherwise it will damage your friendship!! Bloody check of them!!

OP "Awkward thing is, is that we probably will try for another child in a few years.", it is not becrssat to feel bad or awkward for wanting another child.

I personally think they are the ones overthinking it. They are worried they won't be able to have a family and grasping straws everywhere. I'm sure they have asked more people about this. They don't see your DH as your DH, in their imaginary world. They see him as a man wasting sperm and one who is married to a friend, so maybe he's willing to donate as a favour. I don't think they are overly serious, I'm sure they have asked around too. They probably threw the ball out there and that was it. Asking about personal experience regarding conception is just normal talk for when someone wants to get pregnant.
I'd approach it as

"OP: so... Have you found donor yet? Could you get a loan to fund the treatment?
FRIEND: yes, we are doing it on... (Etc) or no, we are still looking (phew, not thinking of your DH) or I thought your DH could do it?" At which point you laugh again and daily that unfortunately he's not keen in the idea and it would also be weird for you too.

Easier than calling "to have a talk" :)

A former colleague of mine who is a lesbian has 3 children, DC1 was conceived using a friend's sperm and DCs 2 and 3 using donor sperm. She definitely regrets not going the donor sperm route for the first one (obvoiously doesn't regret her daughter, just the circumstances).
The plan was always that the child would be raised by her and her wife (probably civil partner at the time DC1 was conceived) and that the friend would not have a father role. This was all expressly agreed and discussed up front but then when child was born he changed his mind and wanted a full role in the child's life. Colleague has been to court on many occasions over the years as a result. I am not sure if colleague failed to get things documented properly (although would be surprised as my impression working with her was always that she was very thorough about everything!) or whether she could legally not have prevented upfront the situation that arose.

In any event it has been very difficult, whereas there have been no such complications with DC2 and 3.

So getting to the point, it may well be that if your friend does get sperm from someone she knows (like your DH), they might have the legal right later to go to court and ask for 50:50 custody or whatever and she needs to consider whether this would be an acceptable consequence of saving some money. Certainly my former colleague has spent far more on legal fees over the years than she would have done in using donor sperm.

I think the suggestion to comment on admiring donors and saying that you and your DH wouldn't do the same, is a good way in.

If she asks why not, then say that it's because you both feel strongly that any children you have will only be brought into the world as part of your family with the two of you as their parents. End of conversation.

I'd say stop being cheeky sods tbh. Talk about self-entitled!

The line about "you are flushing away what they desperately need" would have really got my back up. None of their business what you do with DH's sperm. Perhaps if they hadn't "flushed away" a load of money on their wedding they wouldn't be in this predicament?

Say openly that whilst you can appreciate their want for children you and DH can play no part and they need to stop mentioning it (joking or otherwise - although as my wise nan used to say "many a true word said in jest"). If they need further reason, just say friends or not, its a minefield, so not happening.

You say no. You can point out that in this sort of arrangement your husband is legally the father.

OP, I think it's time you spoke frankly, but kindly, to your friend and explained that you were joking to try to relieve the pressure of a difficult conversation; perhaps it wasn't in the best taste which you now regret (you could throw in an apology, although it's hardly necessary), but that your husband is not in a position to be a sperm donor. You could go on to say that the process requires oversight and confidentiality, and that an ad hoc relationship like this would not be in anyone's interest, least of all any future child.

It's a sad situation, but one which you can't resolve and you can't be held responsible for someone else's happiness or life. And an off-the-cuff remark can't hold you to any kind of deal that would change the lives of at least six people. Sperm donation isn't like kidney donation.

explained that you were joking to try to relieve the pressure of a difficult conversation; perhaps it wasn't in the best taste which you now regret

What are you talking about? I didn’t joke about anything or say anything about this... she was the one who jokingly and drunkenly suggested DH donate his sperm. I would never, ever suggest such a thing. I don’t regret anything except not being incredibly frank when they first brought it up.

Having read this a couple of times, they havent asked you outright if you and your husband would be willing to consider this as an option for them, but its being put to you in such way that theyre just waiting for you to "offer". If this is something you most definitely think would not be possible, I would just confront it head on. Next time the conversation arises, just say, "Look I know where this conversation is going, but let me stop you there. No, it would never be something we would consider"...If they decide to fall out with you over it, then thats their choice. But say NO...the sooner the better!!

Good Luck

XXX

To be honest they sound too unstable and wacky to be parents. Maybe it's a good job that they can't afford it.

Just because someone "wants" offspring doesn't mean they are suitable to rear them.

What is it they say? The truth usually comes out when people are drunk because defences are down and inhibitions are put aside. It sounds very much to me like they’re sounding you out to eventually ask you.

If your DH has asked you to have a word, then I think the way to go about it would be to (next time you see said friend on your own) just ask if she/they were joking when they said those things. If she says “yes” then just say something like “oh good, because for a minute there you had me worried! We were both starting to feel a bit uncomfortable you were gearing up to ask DH to donate his swimmers, which he would never do!”.

If she says “actually no, I was hoping to talk to you and your DH about it at some point as it was something we were going to ask about”. Then say “sorry, but it’s not something DH would be willing to do because....(insert reasons given here)”

If they were hoping you and DH would help and take offence when you say no, then maybe you need to distance yourself from this friendship.

Awkward thing is, is that we probably will try for another child in a few years.

Nothing awkward about it! They have no right to any part in your plans for children and are being incredibly entitled by referring to your fertility, no matter how joky they make it.

Tell her outright. They have hinted around it and you and your Dh want them to know it is absolutely out of the question. Don’t go into detail about any of your reasons because she may be mad enough to try to negotiate and change your mind.
You have every right to Ttc another child whenever you want. Being your friend does not give them any rights over your husband’s genetic material.

Sounds like you need to put an end to this friendship toute suite. These conversations she’s having with you are not normal friendship conversations. It sounds like she’s trying to manipulate you and it all sounds rather stalkerish that she’s commenting how your family is perfect and you don’t need the sperm anymore. You may plan to have several more children for all she knows. I wouldn’t be at all comfortable maintaining this friendship if I were you and that she is going to up the ante trying to guilt tripping you which really she’s already started. Get out quick.

And definitely explain nothing. That will be a big mistake. If you open that Pandora’s box it won’t close easily.