To talk about the elephant in the room

[alittlebit]

Okay, so.
My friend is a lesbian and has a wife. She has been very broody the whole time I’ve know her but she and her wife chose to use their savings on their wedding and assumed they would still be able to afford to go down a complicated fertility plan. So they wanted the wife’s egg and a donor sperm and my friend to carry the baby, which obviously costs a lot more than just using a sperm donor.
Now they have realised they can’t afford to do this as it’ll take years of saving and my friend is 35 so the chances of it working decrease each year (so I’m told).
So they’re looking for a sperm donor and one of them drunkenly (and I’m hoping jokingly) asked DH for some of his. We laughed it off and didn’t mention this again.
Went out with friend a few months later and after a few drinks she keeps mentioning that we have the perfect family, we have everything ‘made’, that every time we have sex, we’re just ‘flushing away’ what she and her wife desperately need. She has asked if we are planning anymore children, wouldn’t DS like any sibling, if either of us have ever considered donating eggs/sperm, how long it took us to conceive, wouldn’t it be nicer if we were all closer etc. Just awkward.
I just change the subject.

Other than the one time (said drunkenly and I’m still hoping, jokingly), they have never seriously asked DH. So am I making wild assumptions here or does it sound like they’re building up to ask him to be their donor?
If so... what the hell do you say to that?

I'm with Gemini69 sounds like emotional blackmail. I would question whether "crap at taking hints" was actually choosing to ignore hints.

Sheesh she sounds like hard work for a friend.

Have they even realised your DH has a say in this??

--11th Commandment
Thou shalt not covet thy straight mate’s DH’s spunk 🤣--

My mind is boggling that this could even be a quandry for you. Just tell them to stop being creepy and go buy some other elephant's sperm.

I don’t u derstsbd why you’re not just saying an absolute no. It’s unhelpful to them to let them think there’s any chance of them using your husband as a donor. Your plans for more children aren’t relevant.

In what world does £8.22 a week each make £6000? £8.22 a day maybe. (Totally missing the point)

Tell her no. Link her to Cryos.

Any clinic worth it’s salt will use IUI to inseminate the woman with donor sperm for about 500£. No IVF needed.

She’ll have a scan to check she’s ovulating and they use a turkey blaster tube to shoot the sperm into the womb.

They need to do research into getting pregnant, and you need to shut the conversation down.

Have you actually said No to either of them? You need to be up front and just say it’s not an option for you and your husband. I assume you know he is against it too. It’s kinder to the other couple as then they know they have to consider other options. It sounds like so far there have only been hints whilst drunk. That is not a good basis on which to have a conversation. If necessary you have to take the initiative- you have to ignore that elephant and just spit it out. You are not obliged to give any explanation, just No, this something you and DH do not wish to be involved in.

Crikey you need to be really clear. Honestly, her mental health issues are not your problem. As pp said, this is emotional blackmail.

I know its their choice but if money an issue, would it not make much more sense to use the eggs of the partner carrying the baby? I'm no expert but I'm guessing this would be a much cheaper procedure.

Next time she starts with all that say “If you’re trying to suggest that DH should be a sperm donor I have to let you know that that would be a big fat NO! Far too complicated and emotionally weird, so don’t even think about it!”

I know its their choice but if money an issue, would it not make much more sense to use the eggs of the partner carrying the baby? I'm no expert but I'm guessing this would be a much cheaper procedure.

I imagine using the eggs of one and the uterus of the other makes it more "their" baby as a couple.

It might mean the end of your friendship if your DH refuses, but if that's the case, then so be it.

It's a VERY emotive and complicated situation, and if your DH doesn't want any part of it (a totally understandable position that he's completely entitled to hold) then that's the end of it.

I can understand why they want the eggs from one to be implanted in the other, so they both feel like they're the mother, but ffs - why don't they just go the simple route and get a sperm donor, pref from a sperm bank, and save themselves the money? Or they could both do it at once, using the same sperm, and have "twins" (or one after the other, of course, if two at once is too daunting).

Whatever though, the answer really has to be No, or your DH will not be happy.

Just say he wouldn't feel comfortable knowing that any resulting child was biologically his and he'd feel weird about having to see that child grow up and dealing with all the conflicting emotions of that.

There is a reason most sperm and egg donors are completely anonymous and unknown to the recipient/s.

Went out with friend a few months later and after a few drinks she keeps mentioning that we have the perfect family, we have everything ‘made’, that every time we have sex, we’re just ‘flushing away’ what she and her wife desperately need.

It is interesting that she deems your family perfect when you are part of a heterosexual relationship!

I find what she said highly offensive. You cannot change your sexuality but telling you, you have it made and your sex now just wastes sperm, I'd seriously tell her where to go and that she should have thought of that before

a) waiting until 35
b) pissing money up the wall on an expensive wedding
c) choosing complicated fertility plans having spent the means to fund it

I would back away from this friendship, she seems very needy which is strange when she has a wife and it doesnt sound as though this friendship gives you anything but awkardness and strife and burden.

Also if they get an anonymous sperm donor via a clinic, the child has the right to trace the father on reaching majority. The father has no financial responsibility to the child.

If they choose a random sperm donor, be it your DH or anyone else and do a turkey baster job, they can chase that man for child support. Or perhaps they know that.

Absolutely your DH is well within his rights to say no, and they should respect that.

As a pp has said, their chosen method of conception is horrifically expensive - I know a couple who did this and pretty sure they paid upwards of £20k all in. At 35, assuming no issues, they'd do well to try a few - much cheaper - rounds of IUI first. That said, having seen the pressures lesbian families still come under in terms of everyone recognising both mothers as mothers - I can see why both having a strong and demonstrable 'connection' feels important.

Wanted to correct an earlier point. The two women are married. Assuming conception takes place through AI - including AI at home - the pregnant woman's wife should automatically be the second legal parent. I'm not sure whether this law has yet been tested in the direction people are suggesting OP worry about - most lesbian parents being more concerned with ensuring their own parental responsibilities, rather than looking to chase a donor for child support...

Just say nicely that your DH has said he'd never be able to donate sperm as he develops a strong emotional attachment to his children and wants to raise all his children himself. Make sure you have a consistent stance with your DH.

Job done - let them move on and find a male relative or close male friend to help. As you say, they are getting older and it does them no favours to waste time on your DH.

Any clinic worth it’s salt will use IUI to inseminate the woman with donor sperm for about 500£. No IVF needed.

Why don't they want this option? I really don't get it. It's like they are trying to make conceiving super complicated just so they don't end up with a child but can feel like victims about it.

Tell them no. Say it as nicely as you can. If they can't handle it, may be this "friendship" has run its course. They don't have a right to your DH's sperm or balls or anything else just because they are lesbians and are above a simple insemination with a donor sperm.

Just to clarify, they have only asked once but it was said drunkenly and in a jokey way. This was the first time it was brought up so we laughed it off and swiftly moved on as we thought it was too ridiculous to take seriously. DH said he felt so uncomfortable.
When I went out with my Friend most recently, she never actually asked me. Just ‘sounded my out’ type thing. Kept asking probing questions about our fertility, future children plans, and the comments about flushing the sperm away bothered me loads.

That’s what I’m unsure about. Do I just bring it up seemingly out of no where and just say “this is the impression you’re giving me, I’m uncomfortable with it, please stop”. I’m worried that I’ve got the wrong end of the stick and will offend them by assuming they want to harvest DHs sperm. Should We just wait for them to actually ask again and then shoot the idea down?

Everytime you have sex you flushing away. How crud id be questioning this relationsjip. They sound strange. Back away and say no. If they want a child they need to go through the correct channels and grow up abit before.

They sound like they're just having a drunken laugh. Wouldn't read too much into it.

Wait for them to directly ask then say no.

@LemonShark this is exactly what I’m worried about.
To me, it’s not something you joke about, it’s way too intimate. But maybe I’m just being overly touchy about it and worrying unnecessarily...

They wanted a child, chose to spend 5k on a wedding instead and now adding pressure to ‘friends’ to help them out.

Well, me and my husband needed a new kitchen but we had to pay 1000’s for IVF treatment too. So we prioritised. My son is 6 years old and my kitchen is a year old.

Tell her to get on her bike.