Friend who drives let me walk home in rain?

[Tobythecat]

I have ASD and really bad sensory processing/overload issues. I don't work and was very isolated but 6 months ago I started going to a coffee morning for people with anxiety. A lady and her daughter (who has become a good friend) go there (the mum drives) but the mum doesn't like to offer me lifts , which is fair enough. I usually walk, but today it was raining. I live about a 10 minute walk from the venue but my support worker offered me a lift but he left the coffee morning early. I was expecting to walk home but was surprised that my friend and her mum didn't offer me a lift as it was pissing down, but the daughter gave me an umbrella instead. They were going the other way so it would've taken them 5 minutes out of their way to drop me home. Her son also has ASD but he is more functioning than I am.

AIBU to think it was a bit mean of her? I feel like a burden anyway and don't like to ask for lifts as last time I asked she said she was going shopping (I get sensory overload in the coffee morning and find it difficult to walk back/cross the road as i'm so disorientated from all the socialising and bright lights).

I would always offer a lift. However nobody is obliged to. It's your responsibility to get to and from places.

Sorry, but YABU.

It's going out of their way and they probably don't want to set a precedent where it's expected. Also, maybe they had plans.

You should just get yourself an umbrella so you're prepared for poor weather, just wrap up and head on out in it.

But it's not your friend's car, it's her mum's car. Her mum isn't your friend.

It would be nice of them to offer you a lift, but you really shouldn't expect it. Perhaps she wants to make sure that her daughter won't become your crutch? Whose son has ASD, the friend or the mum?

Maybe she doesn’t want to be drawn into a longstanding arrangement (she thinks if she agrees once you will expect it every week). Maybe she had an appointment she had to rush off to or was expecting a delivery or visitor at home.

It would have been nice of her to offer, but she’s not being mean by not offering.

I am afraid that often people don't like to offer as before you know it, the person assumes it's an every time thing and it then becomes a nuisance and awkward to sort out. Also if you always walk I suppose people figure that you are also ok in the rain and don't give it a thought.

It does seem mean on the surface, I agree.

But there may have been a particular reason why they didn't (anxiety caused by a change in plan/driving the 'wrong' way, a pressing urgency to get home to avoid being late for something else, feeling unwell etc)

Plus sometimes it just gets so draining being a constant lift giver. There seem to be a lot of people that don't drive now (or at least I have a lot of friends who don't) and, while I would never refuse someone a lift, I do find it an added stressor to drive others around. *I'm not especially confident in my own driving and don't like others in the car with me
*I often want to go shopping or something on the way home from somewhere so dropping people off then returning to the shop in the other direction adds a lot of time.

• I have quite a long drive home anyway and the odd 5-10 minutes in the wrong direction can add quite a lot, especially when it's both ways.
• It's always late evening activities for me and I'm often really tired by the end and just want to go home.

But, on balance, YANBU. I may hate doing it sometimes but I always offer. Any inconvenience for them would probably have been far less than the difficulties caused for you. It's not their responsibility but it would have been nice.

It was raining. You're not going to melt.

Every time people start threads about non-drivers, there is an almighty wail from that group about how they are perfectly capable thank you very much and don't need or expect or even want lifts etc. (Which is as it should be - you choose the transport method, you deal with what it entails, and taking an umbrella on a wet day is hardly a big deal.)

Having been the only driver in several episodes in life, I can tell you that the expectation of a lift is bloody annoying and its always awkward to refuse. 5 minutes here, 5 minutes there - why is your time saved more valuable than mine?

I don't think yabu at all, but many here will unfortunately. I would have offered a lift in the rain 😐

I am a non-driver. YABU to expect anyone to go out of their way to give you a lift for a 10 minute walk, and unless the weather was exceptional (storm force) I would decline if offered.

I would love to drive but I would be a danger on the roads due to my processing difficulties and derealization. I didn't ask to be autistic and to struggle so much and be limited in so many ways. I struggle to cross roads as it is.

I don't expect it, it's just I only go there every other week and it was pissing down so I was shocked that she was happy to see me walk home in the rain, rather than give me a lift 5 minutes out of her way. I gave her a bag of clothes yesterday and her daughter (my friend) comes over and I make us lunch etc.

They were going wallpaper shopping straight after, they usually mention appointments to me but they were just going to buy some wallpaper.

Good manners would have offered you a lift, but they are sadly lacking in todays society. People have generally become very self absorbed.

I dont know OP to be honest.

If it was in the middle of a storm I'd agree with you but it's rain. Most of my friends have cars and I have never expected a lift off them and often turned them down if been offered if the weather is nice to walk in anyway.

Can you learn to drive? I intend to learn to soon. I know about the ASD but people with ASD can still also be incredibly focused on some things (DS has it). It can help your independance too.

It was mean, considering it was raining. I would definitely have offered you a lift (but then spent all week thinking up excuses in case you thought it was now a regular thing...).

Sorry @TobyTheCat, I cross posted with your latest post.

I wouldn't have offered either. I've been burned too many times.

They could have offered you a lift, yes. I expect they really don’t get your sensory issues and your difficulty with road crossing. I have ME/CFS and only a couple of my friends get it. One seems to think I have plenty of time because I don’t work. The reality is very different.

I was shocked that she was happy to see me walk home in the rain, rather than give me a lift 5 minutes out of her way.

This is the mentality you need to overcome.

Expecting an adult who does not drive to be able to walk in the rain, or even wait indoors until the rain eases a bit, should not be a shock.

You are saying that your ASD makes it more difficult to walk in the rain, (although you are able to do it, you just don't want to), but you're sort of expecting a friend's mother to make all the accommodations so you can go to this coffee morning. It's not her responsibility, you need to be able to navigate the journey yourself, especially if you want to continue going every other week throughout the winter.

She can't start driving you about out of her way every time it's raining, that's a lot to ask of someone.

@LadyInCement why though? A friends DH kindly gave me a lift recently during a bad bout of sciatica. I was trying, and epically failing to walk home (ha! Don't ever try when it's that bad - it's physically impossible) from DSs appointment . He insisted on giving us a lift.

I've since walked past him in all weathers several times since and not once hinted or expected another lift off him.

I can see how this would feel mean, I really can. It's no fun walking in the way.

However, let's turn it around. This is a coffee morning for people with anxiety - presumably your friend suffers from this too? Perhaps lifts and lift-sharing are something they find particularly difficult? Perhaps they are afraid of the commitment of doing it each week? People can have anxiety over many kinds of social contact and perhaps this is one of their triggers.

I think you did really well, and were really brave, walking back on your own.

Maybe her anxiety is affected by driving others? She may have OCD?

I have a licence but I hate driving so I don't own a car. I would not expect a lift, especially as you say you live only a ten minute walk away. It's only a bit of rain. I live in Glasgow - if I didn't walk anywhere in the rain, I'd be stuck in my house 300 days of the year!

I'm also on the spectrum so I'm not unsympathetic to your difficulties.

Please stop expecting lifts. It will make you more anxious. I can promise you being offered lifts is not normal unless it is a blood relative or an old long term friend. Even in all those cases you shouldn't expect it.

Perhaps the wallpaper shop was in a different direction?

I think it is fine to ask for a lift. It also fine for someone to refuse a lift. What I think you can’t do is expect to get a lift, or for people to offer without you asking.

It would have been easier for you to get a lift but that doesn’t mean it should or will happen, if that makes sense.

I drive but I get the bus to work because it’s cheaper (parking in my city is a nightmare). I have a 10 min walk at the end and fully appreciate how unpleasant it is when it’s raining. But I’m not going to phone my partner and ask him to drive down the hill to pick me up because although it’s only 5 mins for him it’s inconvenient and I’ll be home in 10 mins anyway.