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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend who drives let me walk home in rain?

227 replies

Tobythecat · 24/10/2017 12:43

I have ASD and really bad sensory processing/overload issues. I don't work and was very isolated but 6 months ago I started going to a coffee morning for people with anxiety. A lady and her daughter (who has become a good friend) go there (the mum drives) but the mum doesn't like to offer me lifts , which is fair enough. I usually walk, but today it was raining. I live about a 10 minute walk from the venue but my support worker offered me a lift but he left the coffee morning early. I was expecting to walk home but was surprised that my friend and her mum didn't offer me a lift as it was pissing down, but the daughter gave me an umbrella instead. They were going the other way so it would've taken them 5 minutes out of their way to drop me home. Her son also has ASD but he is more functioning than I am.

AIBU to think it was a bit mean of her? I feel like a burden anyway and don't like to ask for lifts as last time I asked she said she was going shopping (I get sensory overload in the coffee morning and find it difficult to walk back/cross the road as i'm so disorientated from all the socialising and bright lights).

OP posts:
Auburn2001 · 24/10/2017 15:53

It does sound like you already had sensory overload from the coffee morning and then had to face a walk home in the rain.
It’s not fair though to expect your friend’s mum to help you with this by giving you a lift.
I second the suggestion of speaking with your support worker so that you will have a plan for the end of the morning next time.
If you enjoy the morning and seeing your friend, then of course keep going, but make your own sound plan to get home.

bibliomania · 24/10/2017 15:58

I really like Hetero's point:

Social interaction isn't always unremittingly positive and can throw you curve balls. People don't always act the way we would like them to act...See it as part of your learning curve and a disappointment and obstacle surmounted.

You were able to stand on your own two feet (literally, ha) in an uncomfortable situation and you managed fine. Pride yourself on that.

Tsundoku · 24/10/2017 15:59

But I guess there are people who just cant resist the temptation to give someone a kicking in order to feel better about themselves.

Has there really been a kicking given here? Under the circumstances, isn't a blunt, honest response more helpful? It sounds like a situation where overt cues were given (OP's friend's mother has declined to give a lift before; spoke of their plans in opposite direction; OP's friend offered umbrella) but the OP was still surprised and disappointed. She's projecting various levels of deliberate unpleasantness onto the friend and parent (they're 'happy' to see her walk home in the rain, they're unreasonable) which might damage their otherwise-supportive friendship.

It just seems kinder to be absolutely clearcut and say, no, they weren't especially unreasonable, and the OP's expectations risk alienating people for no good reason.

Also, in almost any scenario, it's annoying when a non-driver who'd like a lift minimizes the driver's own plans ('but you're just...'), dismisses the inconvenience ('it's only five minutes'), and makes meaningless comparisons ('if I drove, I'd always help you'). It's useful to know that these phrases often elicit a bad reaction, even if it's left unspoken.

melj1213 · 24/10/2017 16:05

Nobody ever has an obligation to offer you a lift - whether it's "just 5 minutes" or not, they are not mean for not offering. It might have been nice for them to offer if they were going in the same direction but they don't have to and they are not in the wrong for not offering what you were just expecting.

Especially as they told you that they had other plans - going shopping - in the other direction. You seem to think that your "just 5 minute" lift home is more important than "just wallpaper shopping". For you it is but not for them and they are thinking about themselves first, not you.

I think you need to work with your support worker to plan some strategies for getting yourself to and from the coffee morning and other activities independently and come up with strategies to help you cope if Plan A changes. So in this case it would have been that Plan A was getting a lift with your support worker, but since that didn't work out then Plan B would have been to ask a friend for a lift or have emergency money for a taxi or to have checked the weather earlier and brought an umbrella/waterproofs/warm jacket just in case you had to walk home or have had a relative/friend you could call to pick you up etc

I drive but sometimes I will take public transport to work and then walk home if it is convenient/nice weather ... when I am going home I will occasionally have work friends offer me a lift if the weather has changed or I've missed the last bus because I got out late etc. If I accept I do everything in my power to make it easy for them - eg my street is currently being dug up to replace gas mains ... so when my friend dropped me off the other week I had them drop me on the corner of the main street that my street branches off so that they didn't have to detour round the roadworks and I had a less than a minute walk home.

GerdaLovesLili · 24/10/2017 16:08

Were there other people there that might have been thinking the same thing as you? If she gave you a lift, how many others would then be feeling put out and upset that she hadn't done the same for them? Where should a driver draw the line?

JemimaLovesHamble · 24/10/2017 16:09

Different people have different thoughts in their heads. It probably just didn't occur to them to ask. Meeting over, on to the next thing.

I have autism and I like to walk, especially in the rain when fewer people are out, it lets me decompress a bit before I'm home instead of having to think up polite conversation in the car!

LilyPondFrog · 24/10/2017 16:15

You shouldn't just expect lifts from now on. I would give someone a lift but other people don't always offer.

I do think it's rude that they didn't take you home. And I can't believe that she gave you an umbrella without offering a lift. That is laughable- not at you, OP but the fact that your friend thinks that that was okay. It wasn't.

melj1213 · 24/10/2017 16:21

@Lilypondfrog why was it rude for the friend to not offer a lift when they had other plans, in the opposite direction to the OPs home for straight after the meeting?

If they were going home and had to drive past the OPs house then it would have been kind to offer but they are still not obliged to.

Headofthehive55 · 24/10/2017 16:22

It's not mean not to offer a lift.
You don't know her mum that well. Maybe she doesn't want to drive places she doesn't know. I will only drive certain routes and certain places.

crimsonlake · 24/10/2017 16:24

I always offer lifts, but as you say yourself it was 5 mins out of their way, then it would be 5 mins back. You can drive quite a long way in 5 mins you need to remember.

PashPash · 24/10/2017 16:24

Hi. OP

I hope at least some of these replies are useful to you for gauging how others might think.

I have an acquaintance who sounds in a similar situation to you.. a lovely lady, has ASD and anxiety. We attend a community lunch type group together. It is interesting because she frequently gets very upset in similar circumstances, the combination of ASD and anxiety certainly leads her to assume unpleasant motives to other people’s actions, when in reality she just hasn’t considered that they might be just either busy or a bit self absorbed. She gets really upset, and genuinely thinks it is some kind of personal slight.

Perhaps talk to your support worker about this.

I give lifts where I can, but as others have there’s loads of reasons why I wouldn’t in a given situation.

Headofthehive55 · 24/10/2017 16:25

So I wouldn't be able to offer lifts if they aren't on my routes. People don't know about this in RL, and I don't tell people. I know others that do similar. Several in fact. Just because you drive doesn't mean you drive everywhere....

PoisonousSmurf · 24/10/2017 16:36

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Verbena37 · 24/10/2017 16:40

Are there any volunteer groups that do pick ups and drop offs in your town. Like Volunteer Action etc or MIND etc?
Perhaps there might be volunteer drivers locally who could help you.

Does the rain create sensory issues for you? My DS hates the thought of getting wet because of the change from being dry to becoming wet but once he is wet, he loves water. I can see how, after a stressful meeting, you don’t feel like walking home, let alone in the rain.

If you have a word with the person who runs the coffee mornings, perhaps they might be able to suggest something. Good on you for getting to the coffee mornings though...a lot of people just wouldn’t go.

Verbena37 · 24/10/2017 16:43

poisonoussmurf doesn’t seem that you know much about autism, otherwise your post wouldn’t have been so cold and unempathetic.

Appuskidu · 24/10/2017 16:57

You seem to think that having ASD is unfair so other people should make additional arrangements to help you-that is very entitled.

It's October. It's going to rain a lot over the next 6 months and you choose not to drive. You need a waterproof coat and shoes and a good umbrella. If the sensory overload is so great that you actually are unable to walk, you need to get a taxi or not attend the group. If you think the cost of a taxi is prohibitively expensive then just think of a minute about all the associated costs of running a car that the driver has to pay-you want them to pay that so that you don't have the cost and inconvenience of putting your hand in your pocket and paying.

Saying that they were happy to see you walk home in the rain makes you sound self-absorbed. They probably didn't think about you at all. Why would they? You are an adult who has a responsibility for getting yourself to places, you are not their 12 year old daughter!

LadyinCement · 24/10/2017 17:00

99% of the responses on this thread have been very supportive. I agree with Tsundoko - I think OP has missed some of the cues in her interaction with friend and mother. Previously saying no to a lift says it all, really. It's a no. And the offering of the umbrella... I don't know about that myself really without knowing what the people are like. To me it seems rude, as it implies that they acknowledge it's raining but are still not going to give a lift. It could also imply - as someone else suggested - that the friend feels a bit awkward that her mum won't give a lift and the umbrella is a bit of a peace offering.

I think the top and bottom of the matter really is that the mother just doesn't want to get involved in any lift "arrangement" and is hastily making up appointments etc as an excuse.

gamerchick · 24/10/2017 17:00

and if i could drive i wouldn't see a friend walk home in the rain if it was 5 minutes out of my way

I used to think this before I learned and passed my test. I don't anymore.

Maybe a taxi is the way to go OP. You have control over that then.

MrLovebucket · 24/10/2017 17:02

YABU

If you've asked for a lift before (and been refused) then this is not the first time you've been in this situation. You've been going to this coffee morning for 6 months and should have a proper plan in place re: transport as you know you get disorientated by the coffee morning.

Responsibility for getting you home safely lies with you and your support worker, not your friend's mum.

JonSnowsWife · 24/10/2017 17:02

You sound so entitled!

Very helpful to someone with a social disability. Confused

LadyinCement · 24/10/2017 17:05

My mother had the worst anxiety I've ever seen (undiagnosed - she thought she was quite normal) and I think she would rather have disembowelled herself than take a taxi. She wouldn't even have lifted the phone to book one let alone got in it.

I think others are right: plan for the weather. Own the journey. Know you have the right clothes and are fine with the route and are quite independent, thank you very much. Saves humiliating yourself dancing around hoping - or asking - for lifts.

LilQueenie · 24/10/2017 17:07

Did you walk to the venue op? If so I don't see why they would think you needed a lift back. IYSWIM. Also a bit or rain won't hurt.

3out · 24/10/2017 17:09

‘makes you sound self absorbed’

Nearly the literal translation of the word autism.

‘You choose not to drive’

We don’t know this. The OP may be unable to learn to drive.

PollyHasAKettle · 24/10/2017 17:14

Also a bit or rain won't hurt

It can hurt those on the spectrum in various ways.

Appuskidu · 24/10/2017 17:15

We don’t know this. The OP may be unable to learn to drive

The reason is rather immaterial. OP can't drive so needs to organise suitable transport or clothing/shoes/umbrella for herself. It is not the responsibility of the mother of someone she goes to a coffee morning with to go out if her way to give her a lift.