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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend who drives let me walk home in rain?

227 replies

Tobythecat · 24/10/2017 12:43

I have ASD and really bad sensory processing/overload issues. I don't work and was very isolated but 6 months ago I started going to a coffee morning for people with anxiety. A lady and her daughter (who has become a good friend) go there (the mum drives) but the mum doesn't like to offer me lifts , which is fair enough. I usually walk, but today it was raining. I live about a 10 minute walk from the venue but my support worker offered me a lift but he left the coffee morning early. I was expecting to walk home but was surprised that my friend and her mum didn't offer me a lift as it was pissing down, but the daughter gave me an umbrella instead. They were going the other way so it would've taken them 5 minutes out of their way to drop me home. Her son also has ASD but he is more functioning than I am.

AIBU to think it was a bit mean of her? I feel like a burden anyway and don't like to ask for lifts as last time I asked she said she was going shopping (I get sensory overload in the coffee morning and find it difficult to walk back/cross the road as i'm so disorientated from all the socialising and bright lights).

OP posts:

roseblossom75 · 24/10/2017 13:09

If it was me I couldn't have NOT offered you a lift but everyone is different I suppose.
I'd say it's all about helping one another out.
There may be a time when they need a favour from you.

diddl · 24/10/2017 13:11

No she wasn't mean not to offer.

She might think that it would become expected since you have asked in the past.

Is a taxi out of the question?

zzzzz · 24/10/2017 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Tobythecat · 24/10/2017 13:12

I guess I am being a bit unreasonable then. It's just I always try to help people if I can and if i could drive i wouldn't see a friend walk home in the rain if it was 5 minutes out of my way, especially if they had a disability which meant they couldn't drive. I was just a bit disappointed in her and felt a bit shit really.

OP posts:

ZeroFuchsGiven · 24/10/2017 13:12

You stated in your op these coffee mornings are for people with anxiety, maybe the mum is anxious of driving strangers in her car.

MrsJayy · 24/10/2017 13:12

They had other plans they don't have to offer you a lift maybe take it up with your support worker who offered a lift then left you, but again your friends mum does not need to give you a lift home.

LemonShark · 24/10/2017 13:13

YABU. Many drivers try avoid giving lifts precisely because it ends up being expected and a regular thing that's hard to get out of. It's your own responsibility I'm afraid.

FrancisCrawford · 24/10/2017 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amusedbush · 24/10/2017 13:14

I've just noticed that you said "last time I asked she said she was going shopping". This suggests to me that she doesn't want to get stuck giving out lifts if these meetings are a regular thing.

You've asked and she said no. She didn't offer when it was pissing down rain. She just doesn't want to give lifts, IMO.

LadyinCement · 24/10/2017 13:14

Re-reading your op I see that you have asked for a lift before and she said no. I think you must accept that for whatever reason, she is not a lift giver. I also see you said that you have the daughter round for lunch. Do you go to her house at all? Does the mother not approve in some way of your friendship?

BelfastSmile · 24/10/2017 13:16

I have anxiety, and find it really stressful to have someone else in the car. Maybe the mum or daughter is the same?

MrsJayy · 24/10/2017 13:16

She is there the same reason you are she mwybe had a tonne of anxious thoughts, going to get wallpaper is maybe a huge deal. Your friend and her mum were not being unkind they were busy

ilovesooty · 24/10/2017 13:17

Why did your support worker leave early?

CoalTit · 24/10/2017 13:17

It's not fair that you have sensory processing issues to deal with, but they are in no way the responsibility of your friend's mother. It's not mean of her not to assume responsibility for getting you home.

WaxOnFeckOff · 24/10/2017 13:17

Surely if your supportworker had agreed to take you home and then didn't, it was up to them to ensure that appropriate arragements were made? Did an emergency come up?

If it was chucking it down, I'd probably have offered a lift, but really they had no obligation to offer.

Idontevencareanymore · 24/10/2017 13:17

You're entitled to feel how you feel. That said it's just 5 minutes but also petrol costs ect. The fear of this being an expectation every week because we're now Into winter and well it's going to rain forever it seems.....

If I drove I'd probably have offered a lift. As a non driver I've been offered lifts but never at the expense of the driver and usually been dropped off near there home.
If you'd been going the same direction as them then that's absolutely mean.

DNAwrangler · 24/10/2017 13:18

Sounds like you've managed really well by going to these coffee mornings. It seems like the next step is to confidently get yourself there in (virtually) all weathers. You say you weren't expecting a lift, but if you had no umbrella then either you were, or hadn't thought ahead. Perhaps one of those fold up umbrellas that can always stay in your handbag would be useful?

FrancisCrawford · 24/10/2017 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zaphodsotherhead · 24/10/2017 13:18

Toby you say if you drove you would offer other people lifts, but you can't really know, can you? You may drive and be anxious with passengers, you may just need some 'downtime' after the meeting to sit in the car and be quiet, you might just not feel like driving in the opposite direction!

You can't put how you might, possibly, potentially, behave in a theoretical position onto others.

SonicBoomBoom · 24/10/2017 13:19

What have you done in the past when it's been raining?

Witchend · 24/10/2017 13:19

This isn't though about just today. If she offered a lift because it's raining today, you're going to expect one every time it rains. And it's coming up to winter where it can be wet/cold/icy/windy week after week and you're expecting a lift home each week and being indignant if they don't offer.
I used not to drive and wouldn't ask for a lift; I now do drive and often offer lifts.
But that 5 minutes out of your way is at minimum 10 minutes. There are times where the next thing is flexible but after that you have something that is time critical.

If you approach such things with it's a bonus to get a lift, and don't expect one then you may find people happier to offer you one.
There's nothing worse than doing a favour for someone and then finding it's expected and even they feel indignant if you can't.

bluebells1 · 24/10/2017 13:19

WHy didn't you take a taxi?

MrsJayy · 24/10/2017 13:20

Can you organise a taxi for your coffee morning days so youdon't feel stranded and have expectations to be getting a lift.

MrsJayy · 24/10/2017 13:21

Oh xpost bluebells

Blockb · 24/10/2017 13:22

I think ya (bit) u to be disappointed in her, don't see it as a personal slight against yourself, she might have issues with people in her car, she might just be busy or not want it to come a regular thing. Why did your support worker leave early when he was suppose to be offering you a lift?

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