Friend who drives let me walk home in rain?

[Tobythecat]

I have ASD and really bad sensory processing/overload issues. I don't work and was very isolated but 6 months ago I started going to a coffee morning for people with anxiety. A lady and her daughter (who has become a good friend) go there (the mum drives) but the mum doesn't like to offer me lifts , which is fair enough. I usually walk, but today it was raining. I live about a 10 minute walk from the venue but my support worker offered me a lift but he left the coffee morning early. I was expecting to walk home but was surprised that my friend and her mum didn't offer me a lift as it was pissing down, but the daughter gave me an umbrella instead. They were going the other way so it would've taken them 5 minutes out of their way to drop me home. Her son also has ASD but he is more functioning than I am.

AIBU to think it was a bit mean of her? I feel like a burden anyway and don't like to ask for lifts as last time I asked she said she was going shopping (I get sensory overload in the coffee morning and find it difficult to walk back/cross the road as i'm so disorientated from all the socialising and bright lights).

Op can I ask how did the offering you an umbrella come about?

Your friend can't offer a lift in her mums car - that's for her mum to do, but your friend was a good friend by offering you her umbrella. Maybe your friend would have like to offer but couldn't.

There are lots of reasons why her mum didn't offer but none of them mean that your friend isn't a good friend still.

Hi OP - I think an important thing to remember here is that although the situation made you feel bad, that wouldn't have been the intention of your friend and her mum and it would have been the same for anyone else who may have hoped for a lift.

It would have been kind of them to give you a lift but it may not have been possible for lots of reasons.

Or it could be that they're just not that thoughtful. Some people aren't, but it doesn't mean they're bad people of course.

I dont drive and wont accept lifts either as I've found that drivers often think non car drivers are scoungers. When I have accepted lifts in the past its been when theres been no alternative I have paid the driver the petrol money.
YABU in my opinion, you could get yourself a decnt waterproof, a bike or make sure you have good knowledge of the buses and trains so you are not standing about in the rain and getting wet.
Dont be asking for lifts, be independant.

Reading these replies with interest.
I have a non visible and probably non obvious disability which will mean I can never drive. Every time I'm offered lifts I try and be as humble and gracious as I can but it never feels enough and I always feel a burden.
I would've liķed to have been offered but I wouldn't dwell on it.
Perhaps a note in a Christmas card thanking for the lifts she has given over the last year would be a nice touch?

i am a non driver, it is nice when people give me a lift, but I never expect it . I just have to be prepared for whatever the weather, which includes comfy walking shoes, waterproof jacket and waterproof over trousers in my bag in case it throws it down. I may not look fashionable or anywhere near it, but I am dry and comfortable at least x

10 mins is nothing really, I have to do half hour to school and half hr home again in pouring rain. My children may have a little moan but once at school they are actually drier once out of their waterproofs than some who have run from the car to school. What I am saying is try and be more prepared and you will be fine.

I hope you don't fall out with your friend over this, it really is such a small thing, they were going somewhere even if it was just wallpaper shopping, and it was the other direction. They may have had other plans but been too private to discuss, they may have been in a rush. They gave you an umbrella which was a kind gesture....many wouldn't even have done that x

Honestly it would never occur to me to offer anyone who had a short 10 minute walk home a lift. I understand it's harder for you but just coming at it from their point of view. Most people enjoy a walk
and look at it as exercise. It rains a lot, you can use an umbrella. I'd think someone was mad if they offered me a lift for a quick 10 minute walk.

I think you just need to change your expectations. They're not being rude they just assume you're fine to walk the short distance rather than them going 5 minutes in the opposite direction? It just wouldn't make sense..

I am presuming that part of the point of the coffee morning is to help attendees adjust to social interaction/communication in a 'safe' setting?

Think of this as all part of that. Social interaction isn't always unremittingly positive and can throw you curve balls. People don't always act the way we would like them to act, or the way we would act if we were them. Just as you have your own agenda, so do they have theirs, and we don't have an automatic claim on the other's agenda. See it as part of your learning curve and a disappointment and obstacle surmounted.

Sorry OP but YABU.
The only people I give lifts to are family and my best friends. I do not offer to acquaintances.

Why did you refuse the lift from your support worker?
By refusing the lift you put yourself in the position where you had to walk him alone in the rain.

OP and probably many at the coffee morning are on the spectrum. Her expectations and those of some of the others there might not be what we would usually expect. Giving standard advice and response to an AIBU question might not be entirely appropriate.
It's also worth remembering that the friends mum has probably spent lots of time at similar meetings with groups of people who have anxiety issues like OP and her friend. She has probably been told or learned over time how to respond to requests for lifts etc in the context of those who are asking.

OP I can see this was hard and confusing and disappointing for you today. You managed the session and got home okay, so focus on rose positives and don't worry about the lift thing. Speak to your support worker about it and about getting home generally, asking for lifts and wet weather. You can make a plan so you don't have to ask people and can be confident that you will get home fine in future. Enjoy your coffee mornings,

I am autistic too and also have an anxiety disorder. I wouldn't be able to go to a coffee morning like this myself as my anxiety would prevent me from doing that, but I'm not sure if maybe your support worker takes you there as that would make it manageable for me if I had a support worker, so perhaps that's how you get there? If I was only able to travel comfortably with the help of the support worker I would ensure there were travel plans in place so I could go to and from the venue with the support worker, not end up in a position where it will be very difficult to go home. I know it's a pain having to plan every meticulous detail of an outing because I have to do that for every place I go but it's very important to make sure I am not stranded somewhere. This is all the more so as I would really struggle with a 10 minute walk in heavy rain because heavy rain and wind are very difficult for me to cope with my hypersensitivity and make me very anxious. I would never expect someone I only saw at a coffee morning to give me a lift, let alone the mother of that person, and I would never ever ask anyone them for one, I think that is inappropriate as they really don't owe you anything. I also think it's very unfair how you're making a judgement on their decision not to give you a lift as if they've been deliberately nasty when you're seemingly forgetting that they are people with anxiety problems too hence why they are at the coffee morning. What if they get anxiety driving to new places, or with people in the car that aren't normally there, or what if after social interactions they need some quiet space away from people to recover like I do? It's not nice to assume the worst of people the way you have done.

I agree with the person that said that if you expect not to get a lift you’ll feel less anxious about it. If you plan to make your own way there and back, even if it should rain, you know what’s happening. You then have a plan and potential coping mechanism, whether that’s bringing gloves, a big umbrella and earphones to block out the noise (watch for traffic though!) or whatever. Then you know what’s happening, and you won’t be ruining your experience at the coffee morning worrying about who might offer you a lift or how you’ll cope should the weather turn and you have to walk.

It can be very tempting to get caught up in your own issues and think about how other people’s actions effect you and you alone. But the lady who drives and didn’t offer you a lift isn’t your friend, her DD is. If she attends the coffee morning with her DD then she might also struggle with that issue, or she may just feel the weight of being a carer or feeling responsible for her DD. Things are hard for her too, just in a different way to how things are difficult for you; maybe adding more time on to her journeys or feeling responsible for another person (even just getting them to/from an event once a fortnight) is a routine she just doesn’t have the capacity or desire to enter into, and that’s ok.

Giving standard advice and response to an AIBU question might not be entirely appropriate.

I agree. But I guess there are people who just cant resist the temptation to give someone a kicking in order to feel better about themselves.

I think you’re cross at the wrong person. I’d have a chat with your support worker and explain how disorientated you feel following the coffee morning. Is there a quiet room or place you feel safe which is close to the cafe, where you can spend ten minutes chilling out before doing the walk home?

You’ve said you struggle with this on the best of days, and I understand how the rain would’ve been an added stimulus to an already overloaded situation. I think you need to find ways to reduce the stress of the journey home/find some coping strategies.

The overload you feel when faced with the walk home could be similar to that experienced by your friend’s mother when driving unfamiliar or unplanned routes. If she has a son with ASD, and a daughter with anxiety issues, then it’s quite possible that your friend’s mother has anxiety challenges too.

I’m glad you are getting a lot from the coffee mornings, that’s really great.

YABU. It seems a bit rude (if they really are as close to you as you say and they didn't have anywhere to be that was time sensitive like an appointment) but it's not mean.

I don't generally offer lifts if I can avoid it. Not because I am a horrible person but because I too have anxiety. I hate having extra people in the car. Particularly ones I don't know very well.
They were also going somewhere else. So they had plans. In the opposite direction.
I'm afraid it's kind of someone to offer a lift but you can't expect it. If you can't walk it then maybe you could book at taxi? If the weather is rubbish it would be a good idea to take your own umbrella or get a good coat!
That's not supposed to be rude and patronising! I HATE being cold and wet! It can get quite windy here so I have been known to end up in waterproof trousers, walking boots and a waterproof hat too. Very fetching!

I think your support worker is to blame actually. He should know how you might feel after a social situation like that.
He knows you only started going out 6 months ago and will need help.
Unfortunately as has been said before your friend and her mother will have their own problems and might not want to get into the habit of giving you a lift.
It's very difficult when you suffer from sensory problems and your carer should know that. I would speak to your social worker and make sure this doesn't happen again.

My adult children don't drive and expect lifts all the time. It is really annoying. Their attitude is that it isn't far but we live on a stupid road system that means we can get to theirs easily but coming home means a huge detour, usually in stop-start traffic. I try to avoid using the car where I can because it's just such a hassle.

It sounds like you've asked for lifts before and these people are fed up with it. It does become a habit.

Bear in mind that the OP is being advice from people who, like me, also have ASD / anxiety / both. I don't think there's really been any harsh advice on here. (Certainly not the usual amount!) Everyone in this sort of mindset handles situations differently. I'd have ensured I had the appropriate clothing for the weather to cover all eventualities but then I'd not have been remotely happy / confident asking for a lift. OP is obviously the opposite. It doesn't make either of us right or wrong. People have said OP should plan for eventualities like these and that's good advice, for any situation. And sometimes you need to have your perceptions challenged because there is a tendency with autism to adopt a more rigid mindset (I do that!). Hopefully OP will read the responses and accept that it's perfectly okay to not be offered a lift because we all have different situations and different outlooks on life. And it's not a reflection on OP if she isn't offered.

Of course it isn't a reflection on you OP.
The problem also is that's my people won't even think to offer! Their mind is on them and their day.
They may also think you would rather walk. I know that sounds daft but I hate being given a lift and find myself very uncomfortable in other people's cars. I would rather walk. Maybe I'm odd?!

Mumsnet is just wierd about giving lifts. Of course you should offer a friend a lift if you have the time and are going in reasonably the same direction! The only time I wouldn't is if I'm not going straight home or if my car is full of hay bales or saddles or something.

But they weren't going the same way and they were doing something else Bertrand.

Unless you are a driver, it's impossible to say for certain it would be "just 5 minutes" out of her way

Also: UBER IS YOUR FRIEND

for days when it's pissing it down

"Of course you should offer a friend a lift"

Op isn't the driver's friend.

It would have been nice if she had offered.

The fact that she didn't shouldn't matter imo.