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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend who drives let me walk home in rain?

227 replies

Tobythecat · 24/10/2017 12:43

I have ASD and really bad sensory processing/overload issues. I don't work and was very isolated but 6 months ago I started going to a coffee morning for people with anxiety. A lady and her daughter (who has become a good friend) go there (the mum drives) but the mum doesn't like to offer me lifts , which is fair enough. I usually walk, but today it was raining. I live about a 10 minute walk from the venue but my support worker offered me a lift but he left the coffee morning early. I was expecting to walk home but was surprised that my friend and her mum didn't offer me a lift as it was pissing down, but the daughter gave me an umbrella instead. They were going the other way so it would've taken them 5 minutes out of their way to drop me home. Her son also has ASD but he is more functioning than I am.

AIBU to think it was a bit mean of her? I feel like a burden anyway and don't like to ask for lifts as last time I asked she said she was going shopping (I get sensory overload in the coffee morning and find it difficult to walk back/cross the road as i'm so disorientated from all the socialising and bright lights).

OP posts:

cuddlymunchkin · 24/10/2017 13:55

You choose not to drive. You can't reasonably expect those who do decide to learn to drive and then run a car to give you lifts - this woman is not your personal taxi service!
I chose not to drive until I had children. I never expected to have lifts offered - if they were then that was lovely but I did not harbour resentment towards those who did not. I always had my own transport route (walking/bus/train) organised so I had no expectation that someone else would drive me anywhere.
I believe the term is entitlement? What entitles you to a lift in someone else's car? Nothing. Like I said, lovely if it's offered but it's your mindset that needs changing, not hers.

Orangealien · 24/10/2017 13:55

Op, perhaps, a driver with anxiety may worry about hygiene (shoe that's walked on streets, coat that maybe got scuffed on floor) in an OCD way and this prevented them from giving you a lift.

blanklook · 24/10/2017 13:58

You need to take this up with your support worker. If you are paying him for support, he should do his job. If part of that job is getting you to and from different places like this coffee shop, then he shouldn't have left you to get home on your own. He should have arranged for another support worker to come and take you home.

It's not about who was there with a car who could have taken you home, it's about your own independent arrangements to get there and back. That's what your support worker is supposed to do, help you with things you find difficult and on that day it was getting to and from the coffee shop.

callmeadoctor · 24/10/2017 13:58

To be fair, it was only rain! Nobody died from getting a bit wet (I hope!)

Sirzy · 24/10/2017 13:59

I think you should have gone with the support worker if you knew it was a problem or asked (with help from the support worker if needed) if anyone could give you a lift before the support worker left.

I would use this as a learning point (for you and support worker) about making sure the plans are clearly arranged in advance.

diddl · 24/10/2017 14:00

"You need to take this up with your support worker."

Yes-this seems to be the key.

Popchyk · 24/10/2017 14:02

I guess the other thing is that this coffee morning wasn't just the OP, her friend and her mother.

So if there were, say, a few people in the coffee morning who don't drive then should this person should have offered to drive them all home?

Or not?

And if she should have offered a lift to just one of them, which one should she have picked to offer a lift to and why?

I can see why this woman doesn't want to offer lifts. It is the kind of thing that could start to get messy.

64BooLane · 24/10/2017 14:03

Non-driver here. We're not entitled to lifts, regardless of our circumstances. People who do not give us lifts are not mean.

YABU to be disappointed in someone who has done nothing wrong.

User843022 · 24/10/2017 14:03

'Please stop expecting lifts. It will make you more anxious.'

Yes I think you need to manage your expectations a bit more ,cliche though that is.

Im a driver and it just wouldn't occur to me to offer someone who attended the same coffee morning as me a lift. As others have said perhaps they have their own anxiety issues and didn't want to feel awkward next week thinking you'd expect a lift every week?

KanyeWesticle · 24/10/2017 14:03

It wasn't your friend, it was your friends mum. They had plans. If it's only 5 minutes out of their way, they'd be running 10 minutes late (to yours and back). And in that 10 minutes, you'd be home anyway.

It's coming into winter and likely to be raining quite a lot the next few months ' maybe now is a good time to figure out a plan with your support worker, of how to handle going out in the rain. It's not something you can really avoid if you don't drive.

It would have been kind to offer, but they didn't. It's not rude or mean not to. It is rude and entitled of you to expect it.

Nikephorus · 24/10/2017 14:03

I think YABU because you've said that the woman doesn't like to give you lifts. Whether it's because of her anxiety or her daughter's, or whether it's because she doesn't want to get into the habit (especially as you mention that you've asked before) doesn't matter. It would have been nice of her to, but they gave you a brolly so you wouldn't get soaked so they cared that much.
I hate it if my plans get changed without notice because someone asks for a lift. It throws me mentally. And it's a group for anxiety so you know she gets anxious about stuff. I don't think it's fair to ask her when you know she doesn't want to offer.

Landed · 24/10/2017 14:06

I can't always give people lifts for two reasons that don't have a diagnosis maybe the mother is the same. Maybe the daughter has had enough by the time the club is over and that's why the mother doesn't give lifts. Yes yabu it can be difficult all round. I would assume it's definitely not a case of being "happy" to see you walk in the rain!

WaxOnFeckOff · 24/10/2017 14:07

As another poster noticed, your support worker did offer you a lift but you declined in order to stay

I read it differently but I'm not sure who is correct.

I read it that the support worker was supposed to take the OP home but then left early. Agree it could be read that he left early and offerred a lift which was declined.

ChocolateWombat · 24/10/2017 14:08

I think you can only see this from your own point of view. Is this something you often have issues with or have been told you have issues with?

Yes you would have liked a lift. In fact you would like them to offer you a regular lift really. However, they clearly don't want to offer a regular lift and can see one off lifts becoming regular so don't offer them. It is totally their choice and you are not entitled to a lift at all. 10 minutes walk is really nothing.

I suspect it is very clear you would like a lift. Perhaps you mention it (more than once??) or hint loudly, which is why they are also keen to point out where they are going after the meeting to make clear to you that they won't be giving a lift. Perhaps you haven't picked up on the message they are trying to send you with these comments.

I agree you should talk about it with your support worker. However, these people are not obliged to look after you and help you out. You are an adult attending this event and you and your support team need to get you there and back and a 10 minute walk whatever the weather really isn't an issue. It's a change of mindset that you need about this, but perhaps your ASD makes it difficult for you to grasp this??

Try to talk with your support worker about it and to make a plan. And stop expecting these other people to give you a lift. They clearly do t want to give you a lift. You might not have realised that, but I am saying it to try to make it clear to you. Move on from expecting or hopin they will.

TwattyCatty · 24/10/2017 14:09

Good manners would have offered you a lift, but they are sadly lacking in todays society. People have generally become very self absorbed

No, it is not good manners to give everyone lifts in the rain because you have a car and they don't. Don't be silly.

PollyHasAKettle · 24/10/2017 14:10

Toby, I would have given you a lift and I don't for a minute think you were unreasonable to have hoped for one.

You're friend sounds as if she felt bad her mum didn't offer you a lift so gave you her umbrella as a kind of compromise. I think Id give the umbrella back and get a very small one to keep in yourbag so that next time it rains you're better prepared for it.

Im sorry you find the day so difficult. Is there anything you can do at the coffee morning to help with your sensory issues?

musicform · 24/10/2017 14:17

You appear to be upset that you were not offered a lift, but you could have asked for one. To be upset at an unfulfilled expectation is unreasonable

poddige · 24/10/2017 14:17

Did you ask?

SootSprite · 24/10/2017 14:20

I’m sorry but your friends mother is under no obligation to drive you anywhere. Why do you think that she should go out of her way, in the opposite direction to where she is going, just to stop you getting a bit wet? YABVU.

PollyHasAKettle · 24/10/2017 14:20

The OP is on the spectrum. She probably finds this kind of social interaction confusing. Some of the replies here are downright bloody ugly and lacking in any kind of compassion or understanding.

Mulberry72 · 24/10/2017 14:21

I’m a none driver with mobility issues and it’s never occurred to me to ask for/expect a lift from my driver friends.

Sorry, but YABU to think she was mean to not offer you a lift. She is not responsible for your transportation, you are!

Therealslimshady1 · 24/10/2017 14:24

It was not mean.

Rain is just rain, you can dress for the weather with rain jacket/umbrella.

These people are not responsible for your transport.

So you get wet, so what? I spent years without a car an never expected others to drive me.

Invest in a waterproof coat

Popchyk · 24/10/2017 14:24

I generally don't think it is a good idea to go around asking for lifts.

The OP has already said she is isolated, asking people for lifts is likely to end up in her being even more isolated as people start to avoid her.

I think you did well today, OP, you got yourself there and back, even in the rain.

TalkinBoutWhat · 24/10/2017 14:30

Why do you ALWAYS try to help people?

In my life i will try to help people with important things, things that REALLY matter. But why would i always help? That way madness lies. There are far too many people who need help with things than there are hours in the day.

User843022 · 24/10/2017 14:30

'I think you did well today, OP, you got yourself there and back, even in the rain.'

Yes , focus on that, not negative stuff.

'You appear to be upset that you were not offered a lift, but you could have asked for one'
She'd asked previously and been refused.. The driver or her dd may well struggle with the coffee mornings as its for anxiety issues and possibly just want to escape and go once over.

It isn't mean of her though, other people may be fighting daily battles too. Agree with a pp make sure your support worker stays to give you a lift next time, or leave when they do.

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