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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend who drives let me walk home in rain?

227 replies

Tobythecat · 24/10/2017 12:43

I have ASD and really bad sensory processing/overload issues. I don't work and was very isolated but 6 months ago I started going to a coffee morning for people with anxiety. A lady and her daughter (who has become a good friend) go there (the mum drives) but the mum doesn't like to offer me lifts , which is fair enough. I usually walk, but today it was raining. I live about a 10 minute walk from the venue but my support worker offered me a lift but he left the coffee morning early. I was expecting to walk home but was surprised that my friend and her mum didn't offer me a lift as it was pissing down, but the daughter gave me an umbrella instead. They were going the other way so it would've taken them 5 minutes out of their way to drop me home. Her son also has ASD but he is more functioning than I am.

AIBU to think it was a bit mean of her? I feel like a burden anyway and don't like to ask for lifts as last time I asked she said she was going shopping (I get sensory overload in the coffee morning and find it difficult to walk back/cross the road as i'm so disorientated from all the socialising and bright lights).

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 25/10/2017 19:26

if i could drive i wouldn't see a friend walk home in the rain

If you had learnt to drive...
If you had got a car...
If you didn't have anxiety issues...
If you didn't mind the risk of someone expecting lifts every single week...
If you didn't mind driving not just your friends but your children's adult friends around...
If it was raining/cold/windy...
If it was only 5/10/20/30 minutes out of your way-despite it only saving them 10 minutes.

Then you would do it.

There are too many ifs there really, aren't there?

If I was Prime Minister then I would do lots of fab things to help people. But I never will be, so it's a rather hollow offer.

ShotsFired · 26/10/2017 09:18

^ yy to @Appuskidu.

It's all very easy to offer the world when its theoretical.

PenelopeFlintstone · 26/10/2017 11:20

It's all very easy to offer the world when its theoretical.
But a ten minute lift isn't 'the world'. It's nothing! Almost actually nothing!

BertrandRussell · 26/10/2017 11:25

"It's all very easy to offer the world when its theoretical."
As I have said on another thread, it's a lift, not a kidney!

Appuskidu · 26/10/2017 11:37

One ten minute lift in the rain as a one off may be considered nothing. A ten minute lift throughout the winter may not be and if rain is the factor the OP is concerned about-its unlikely that last week's rain would be a one-off.

Anyway, the OP has asked for lifts and the friend's mum (the driver-which is significant) has refused so the matter is closed. I suspect if we heard the driver's side of the matter, things would become much clearer.

BertrandRussell · 26/10/2017 11:39

"I suspect if we heard the driver's side of the matter, things would become much clearer"

Yes. So do I. Some people are mean spirited.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 26/10/2017 12:22

It’s not mean spirited to refuse a lift.. I have anxiety and a fear of getting lost but I wouldn’t call someone mean for not wanting to sort my problems out. The op needs to learn to be more prepared for the weather or to book a taxi. It’s only a ten minute walk, if she got herself there she should be able to get home and she did. Which is a positive and now she knows she can do it she should be better prepared for it.

FrancisCrawford · 26/10/2017 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lethaldrizzle · 26/10/2017 12:44

Isn't walking meant to help ease anxiety?

NewLove · 26/10/2017 12:47

OP still hasn't answered why her support worker left early and didn't give her a lift home after she had said she would...

PenelopeFlintstone · 26/10/2017 12:49

But a ten minute lift isn't 'the world'. It's nothing! Almost actually nothing! And so is a ten minute walk.
Not in the rain, and obviously not to the OP or she wouldn't have felt hurt and started this thread.
I've actually never met anyone as uptight as the driver in real life.

User843022 · 26/10/2017 12:53

'It’s not mean spirited to refuse a lift.. '

Thing is many of us would happily do it, but what the op is doing is expecting them to consider her needs and feelings while she wont consider theirs. It's a group for anxious people! Maybe the driver or dd is anxious about altering routes, plans etc. Who knows. Comparing it to what we would do isn't really relevant.

Handygarrottes · 26/10/2017 12:59

If your friend and her mother are attending a coffee morning for people with anxiety, then I assume one of them at least suffers from it? They may be struggling to drive, or just leave the house, or may just find peace and privacy in the car after busy social interaction. There may be a myriad of reasons. Personally, unless in extremis, I wouldn't ever ask for a lift but wait for one to be offered.

Borntobeamum · 26/10/2017 13:12

Maybe the Mum has felt used in th past?
I don’t drink so am often the designated driver and as it’s just for a couple of friends, I don’t mind. However when I dropped one friend off she said her husband was away and would I mind taking her baby sitter Home. I was put on the spot so said ok. I knew if I said no that it wouldn’t end well. I sat in my car while she went it and it was a good 10 minutes before the The baby sitter came out. My fuel warning light popped on but I knew I’d 50 miles or so in reserve.
I asked where we were going to and she told me. I set off from my friends house at 11-15pm.
I arrived home at 12.30!
She lived in the next town and said my friend usually paid for a taxi when her DH was away!
I had to drive around a strange town at midnight looking for petrol as I didn’t want to run out at that time of night.
I was lived. So now I rarely offer lifts.

LemonShark · 26/10/2017 13:16

born "I knew if I said no that it wouldn’t end well."

What do/did you think would have happened if you said no? The way you phrase it makes it sound like there'd be some sort of comeback for declining. To which I'd have to ask: is this a true friend? A genuine friend would never be anything other than gracious if you declined to do them a favour (especially when they'd been so cheeky as to ask!).

Borntobeamum · 26/10/2017 13:26

My friend had had quite a bit of wine and also the village gossip. She’s a lovely lady but I am aware that if she tells me all about our mutual friends, then there a high chance she tells them all about me! Or the fact I refused to take her baby sitter Home when her DH was away.

LemonShark · 26/10/2017 13:31

But why would you care about her telling people that? People get away with being cheeky fuckers with stuff like this because others allow them to: I don't see why you'd do it but then complain after when you had every right to just say no in the first place? If you (the general you not you specifically) don't grow a backbone people will always take advantage.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 26/10/2017 13:34

Does your support worker normally accompany you to the meetings? She probably assumed you were sorted.

LadyinCement · 26/10/2017 14:45

Yes, If op had been keen to remain at coffee morning and not leave with support worker she might have said, "Oh, I can get a lift from Friend's Mother." And then FM failed to come up trumps.

I would have given a lift, especially to a friend of dd, so it does seem on the surface that the woman was mean and rude. But she has previously said no, so I don't think there was much point in the op being hopeful.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 26/10/2017 14:53

No, I meant the driver probably assumed that op would leave in the company of her support worker, if she was accompanied by them to the meeting.
The fact that they left early is irrelevant, op should have made alternative arrangements at that point, not assumed a lift would be available elsewhere for the asking.
Especially when the driver had previously made it clear she didn't like giving lifts.

Appuskidu · 26/10/2017 15:22

I've actually never met anyone as uptight as the driver in real life.

ReallyHmm

Damocat · 26/10/2017 15:26

I probably wouldn’t have offered you a lift OP, sorry.

I don’t suffer from anxiety in general but do regarding driving. I’m very nervous and only really drive places I’m familiar with.

If I’m driving somewhere new I like to look it up on google maps first, familiarise myself with the route, look for where I’ll be able to park or turn around...

I hate driving other people because it makes me feel nervous and self conscious. When I feel like this I don’t concentrate as well and make silly mistakes. I also find it hard to chat whilst driving which makes it hard to have others in the car.

I don’t even like driving places in convoy with others, I usually leave earlier than I need to so I can be there and parked up before they arrive.

It’s irrational but most anxiety is isn’t it? Perhaps your friend’s mum is also a nervous driver?

It also may not have even occurred to me to offer you a lift if you live nearby and usually make your own way there.

RestingBitchFaced · 26/10/2017 16:15

YABU, the fact that they 'usually mention their appointments' show that you are 'usually' expecting a lift, and have asked and been refused before. They weren't even going your way!

rightknockered · 26/10/2017 16:39

If I was the driver I would have wanted to give you a lift, but would have been unable to if I had any of my anxious asd kids with me. Simply because any unexpected journey would throw them off for the rest of the day and make their anxieties worse.
I understand that you couldn't bring yourself to ask, and I also understand your sensory issues and the exhaustion they cause you, and just how that can be almost debilitating and manifest physically. I really think that you need better planning.
Try to make sure that you not only have someone to take you there but more importantly someone to help you home when you've exhausted your reserves.
Also, try learning to drive, it will help you immensely.

FrancisCrawford · 26/10/2017 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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