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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend who drives let me walk home in rain?

227 replies

Tobythecat · 24/10/2017 12:43

I have ASD and really bad sensory processing/overload issues. I don't work and was very isolated but 6 months ago I started going to a coffee morning for people with anxiety. A lady and her daughter (who has become a good friend) go there (the mum drives) but the mum doesn't like to offer me lifts , which is fair enough. I usually walk, but today it was raining. I live about a 10 minute walk from the venue but my support worker offered me a lift but he left the coffee morning early. I was expecting to walk home but was surprised that my friend and her mum didn't offer me a lift as it was pissing down, but the daughter gave me an umbrella instead. They were going the other way so it would've taken them 5 minutes out of their way to drop me home. Her son also has ASD but he is more functioning than I am.

AIBU to think it was a bit mean of her? I feel like a burden anyway and don't like to ask for lifts as last time I asked she said she was going shopping (I get sensory overload in the coffee morning and find it difficult to walk back/cross the road as i'm so disorientated from all the socialising and bright lights).

OP posts:
Glumglowworm · 24/10/2017 13:24

YABU

I'm a non driver, walking in the rain is a pain but you were going home so could quickly get warm, change out of wet clothes etc

They don't owe you a lift. It would've been nice to offer but they're under no obligation to do so. Especially since it would be out of their way!

TwitterQueen1 · 24/10/2017 13:25

YABU because you are expecting someone else to do something that you think you would do - except that you can't do it anyway. You are projecting your wishes and expectations onto other people. She is under no obligation to give you a lift at all, regardless of the weather so YA als BU for being 'disappointed' in her. It's not your business to judge others.

I realise this may sound a little harsh, but you did ask!

wrenika · 24/10/2017 13:26

YABU. ASD does not mean you should be offered lifts and they don't need a reason to not want to offer a lift.
I never offer a lift, and I often feel a bit guilty about that but I'm not comfortable driving others unless necessary. I have ASD and it's not a get-out clause.

SugarPlumLairy · 24/10/2017 13:26

I'm a mum to an additional needs child and apparently the designated driver around friends who don't drive.

I say apparently as I'm never asked in advance, it's just expected. My daughter doesn't always want to be driven out of her way to make others feel better whilst she is suffering with her own issues, anxiety and processing disorders.

I am tired of "oh you don't mind do you? it's just 10 minutes out of your way and would save us so much time".😡 10 minutes to your house, then 10 minutes back to where I started is 20 minutes added to my journey, andthen the chat before they get out of the car and the expectation we'll make it a regular occurrence as it's "just" 10 minutes.

I know that's not what you did, or meant, however it does happen a lot, and, as the driver, I get defensive of my time/petrol etc.

I doubt their actions were mean, personal, planned as a slight for you. They had their own plans and schedule and giving others a lift was not part of it.

Go with an umbrella, bus fare or arrange a lift in advance next time andhave fun. Don't take this personally.

missperegrinespeculiar · 24/10/2017 13:30

I would have given you a lift OP, five minutes, would have not killed them! of course, it cannot be all the time though!

Popchyk · 24/10/2017 13:34

You said that last time that you asked for a lift she said no as she was going shopping.

It is clear that she doesn't want to give lifts, so you have to stop expecting a lift.

This sentence struck me:

I was shocked that she was happy to see me walk home in the rain, rather than give me a lift 5 minutes out of her way.

I'll bet she wasn't happy to see you walk in the rain. I'll bet she didn't even think about you very much. Maybe she feels that she has enough on her plate with her daughter's anxiety (or her own) and simply doesn't have the time or the energy to offer lifts to other people.

Maybe she's offered lifts to friends of her daughter's before and it caused a hassle.

You mentioned that your support worker left early. Do you think your support worker was "happy to see you walk home in the rain"?
Was he supposed to stay for the duration? Could you talk to him and work through strategies for dealing with bad weather?

I don't think you should ask this woman again. You have to try to see it from her point of view. If I went to a support session coffee morning for anxiety and was badgered for lifts then I'd probably stop going.

BewareOfDragons · 24/10/2017 13:35

The world doesn't owe you a ride. I'm sorry. It just doesn't.

viques · 24/10/2017 13:36

You WERE offered a lift. your support worker offered you one but you chose not to accept it. Now I don't know if it was raining when the support worker left but if your friend and her mother heard you turn down that offer of a lift then they presumably thought you were happy to walk home.

KitKat1985 · 24/10/2017 13:37

YABU I think OP. I drive and I hate giving people lifts foe the following reasons:

  1. Because I actually really enjoy having a few mins to myself in the car without having to make small talk with other adults.
  2. I've also been told on more than one occasion that 'it's only 5 minutes out of my way' and it's ended up being more like a 10-15 mins diversion each way, so closer to half an hour added to my journey.
  3. It very quickly becomes an expectation that you will give that person a lift each day / week etc.
  4. Very rarely does anyone ever bother to offer petrol money anymore in my experience, and fuel is bloody expensive these days.
WaxOnFeckOff · 24/10/2017 13:37

The OP was expecting a lift though, her support worker was bringing her home and then didn't so she wasn't necessarily expecting to be out in the rain. So therefore didn't have umbrella and maybe didn't have the cash for a taxi etc.

I think you just need to be better prepared OP and if someone offers a lift then that's kind but if they don't you are already prepared and ready to get home by yourself.

planetclom · 24/10/2017 13:39

Can I advise you don’t post in Aibu again as a lot of people have no idea what you mean by sensory overload and not liking to walk in the rain so they are going to come across as really unkind with some of the reply’s but that is because they don’t know what sensory overload is and my son with ASD can’t walk in the rain as it feels like pins being driven into him, every time a drop of rain lands on him, he can’t shower for this reason as well.
But the main thing is yes you are being unreasonable as it is out of their way, and she might have things she needs to get back for. I would always try to give someone a lift but it is not compulsory and sometimes you just can’t or even don’t want to.
You mention you have someone else who can normally give you a lift so this is not a weekly occurrence, so it might be worth having a contingency for a taxi on the few weeks you would not have a lift and the weather is bad.

ShotsFired · 24/10/2017 13:40

Continuing on from all the cries of "its only 5 minutes".

But maybe you live on a nasty road where it's hard to stop, nigh-on impossible to turn round, in a one-way system, dreadful stop-start traffic, roadworks or any of a thousand things that makes your perception of this single "5 minute trip" seem quite out of kilter with the reality of getting back to where the driver would have started from, while you are nice and cosy at home.

And then as pp say, she's going to feel obliged to carry on every time there's grey skies, and as for actual winter weather. And why is her trip for wallpaper less important than you avoiding a 10min walk?

You keep banging on about the blessed 5 minutes and how you would, which at the same time is inferring that anyone who wouldn't is a monstrous stone-hearted cow. But you don't know you wouldn't. You won't ever be in that situation of feeling awkward in case so-and-so asks again for that lift you gave one time.

YABU to expect a free lift from any one at any time. It is not yours to expect, it is the driver's to offer.

Branleuse · 24/10/2017 13:42

i think its so that you dont start expecting lifts. They dont want to set a precedent.

I was just thinking today actually about how before I used to drive (I passed my test 4 years ago) I didnt used to get offered lifts, or i would be expected to make my own way to places, although now I drive, I have noticed that if for some reason i cant use my car, im much more likely to get offered lifts than I was before I drove.

thecatsthecats · 24/10/2017 13:44

It's taken me a while to get to the stage when I can confidently get around unfamiliar places. I can drive perfectly well, and never have trouble with the practical aspects, but in the first couple of years after my test, I'd have hated even going a couple of minutes out of the way into unfamiliar territory.

Heck, even when I'd built my confidence up, I got lost in the place I'd lived five years a few months ago! We'd moved house within the area, and because of weird one way roads and traffic I spent a good extra 10m just trying to get home from the petrol station 'just a minute away'.

I also still can't stand being given instructions by passengers (blame my fiance, who doesn't drive, therefore gives shockingly bad directions taking no regard of actual notice/lanes/the fact he doesn't actually know where he's going). So yeah, wouldn't be a massive fan of giving someone a lift just down the road.

SelmaAndJubjub · 24/10/2017 13:45

I've been on both sides of this: I can drive at the moment, but I have a medical condition that means I have been unable to drive for months at a time.

When not driving, I am very grateful when someone offers a lift and try never to take advantage because, when I am driving, I have been on the receiving end of some very CFs. I think I've posted before about the 'friend' who let me drive 2 hours out of my way in snow and didn't even offer petrol money Hmm. So I get why drivers are wary of non-drivers taking advantage. Some non-drivers seem to think drivers have some sort of duty to chauffeur them.

And it's 10 minutes, OP. Walking is really good for you, and often helps with anxiety and depression. Can you try to turn it into a positive? - you have managed something that your anxiety made difficult.

thecatfromjapan · 24/10/2017 13:47

Why did your support worker offer a lift and then leave early?

starray · 24/10/2017 13:48

Of course it was mean, or possibly thoughtless not to offer someone a lift back in the pouring rain. She wasn't obliged to, but it's not kind. So YANBU in my view.

millifiori · 24/10/2017 13:51

OP, I have sensory processing difficulties that mean I can't drive either. I much prefer people never to think I want a lift (even if I occasionally do) because they really do start holding it against you, even if it's something you don't ever take for granted. It's better to just have the mindset that there is no option of a lift ever, and to get yourself from A to B under your own steam. That way you feel self-sufficient and not obliged or guilty and no one gets to label you as a user.

Ibbleobbleblackbobble · 24/10/2017 13:52

Im sorry but yes you are being.
if it was on her way then possibly not.
You shouldn't expect a lift....its rain....youre not made of sugar ( as my nan would tell me!!)
plus its not your friends car its her mums!
(I get sensory overload in the coffee morning and find it difficult to walk back/cross the road as i'm so disorientated from all the socialising and bright lights)
maybe you shouldn't be going if this is an issue.....or maybe you should be arranging a regular taxi just incase this happens again!!

LadyinCement · 24/10/2017 13:52

I think your op is like a comprehension exercise, the more you read it the more it reveals!

As another poster noticed, your support worker did offer you a lift but you declined in order to stay. It really seems as if the mother is not keen to promote the friendship with her dd. Row your own boat, op, and don't invest in them so much.

RideOn · 24/10/2017 13:52

YABU it would be nice to offer but you have to assume you will travel on your own travel arrangements which was walking.

ArcheryAnnie · 24/10/2017 13:52

You aren't going to melt in the rain, and a ten-minute walk is nothing. She had things to do, in the opposite direction from you. She wasn't being mean.

sweetbitter · 24/10/2017 13:53

Are you a smoker?

TammyswansonTwo · 24/10/2017 13:54

In my area there are charities with volunteer drivers for disabled people who struggle to get at out and about. I have an invisible disability but they were a lifeline to me when my mum was in the hospice and I had already spent £200 in five days on taxis that I couldn't afford as I was too ill to walk to and from the station at each end twice a day. You do have to pay but it's minimal. I would look into something like this x

MakeItStopNeville · 24/10/2017 13:55

There could be any of a million different reasons they didn’t offer you a lift. Maybe it didn’t cross their mind as they weren’t going your way, or they just didn’t want to. Or she finds driving in the rain very stressful.

Whichever the reason, they didn’t and you got home ok, albeit a bit soggier. There isn’t really anything else to do but move on and forget about it.

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