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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder why I have never had a boyfriend?

255 replies

silverylamp · 07/10/2017 15:58

Bit very embarrassing.

I am nothing special but pleasantly average. Successful career, own home, own teeth!

Yet I have never had so much of a whiff of interest.

I think if may be because although my life is settled and happy enough now (albeit dull) when I was younger it was chaotic and very dysfunctional. Perhaps most relationships are formed in younger years?

OP posts:
kingfishergreen · 07/10/2017 16:00

That is quite unusual, how old are you now (not that it really matters, just so as I understand if you're in your 20's or 60's). Have you fancied people, have you let them know?

MargaretTwatyer · 07/10/2017 16:00

How old are you?

BlondeB83 · 07/10/2017 16:02

Are you looking? Often relationships don't just happen, these days you have to be proactive.

ludothedog · 07/10/2017 16:03

I think that you are right. A lot of relationships start in teens or early twenties and as you get older it gets harder to meet people. I also think that you will have missed out on valuable learning on how relationships work that can be hard to pull back in later years.

However it's really common, more common than you think. Every now and again there will be a thread on here about someone who's never had a boyfriend and there will be pages of people coming on to say they are the same.

How old are you though? Guess it's different if you are late 20s or late 70s.

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 16:04

Mid 30s Smile

I have missed out on a lot of relafionship 'forming'.

OP posts:
kingfishergreen · 07/10/2017 16:07

Do you want a relationship, or more feel you should have one? Have you had sexual partners (sorry very personal, you obv don't have to say). Sorry to inundate you with questions, I'm trying to get a picture of the situation.

I have friends who haven't had relationships (or at least not for decades) and never plan to have one, they'd consider themselves aromantic (sp?).

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/10/2017 16:07

I have missed out on a lot of relafionship 'forming’

What do you mean by this?

I don’t think a huge amount of relationships are from early friendship groups. There will be some; but for the majority, it’ll be people met later in life. Plenty of people will have no contact with anyone they knew in early life (school, uni, early jobs etc).

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 16:11

Most people I know were in established relationships by about 25.

I do want a relationship, but I also can't imagine having one!

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 07/10/2017 16:13

Are you actively trying to meet new people - groups, courses, online dating?

heateallthebuns · 07/10/2017 16:15

Are you actively looking? Lots of relationships are formed in 20s, but lots are formed older too! Maybe you're pushing people away, making them think you're not interested.

Mollie85 · 07/10/2017 16:18

When you say you haven't had a relationship:

Have you ever been on dates? How did they go?

Have you ever had a short term or no strings sort of dalliance? Sorry I do love twee words Grin

My friend chose to live along from the age of 20- she's now almost 40. She's had two boyfriends in that time, but been on plenty of dates and had short term fun (she wouldnt call them relationships, she calls them "fun" so not being disrespectful).

She currently has an "arrangement" with a younger man (32) which they both benefit from, but she has no interest in sharing her home and prefers things to be on her terms. She is quite happy.

Grin

How would online dating grab you, OP? There is little stigma these days - it's the done thing really (I've heard) Smile

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 16:18

No, I'm not to be honest.

It is a bit like playing the lottery. I see meeting someone as about as likely.

OP posts:
x2boys · 07/10/2017 16:19

Most people i know were not in relationships untill early 30,s so it is very personal imo i had a boyfriend between 17-19 and then a couple of shortish relationships in my late 20,s and some flings i could have done without the flings personally my friend didnt really have any kind of relationship untill she was 33 she is now married to him and they have two teenage girls.

x2boys · 07/10/2017 16:21

I met dh at 31 btw we got married 6 months later 13 years and two kids later here we are Smile

x2boys · 07/10/2017 16:24

Well to be fair nobodies going to come knocking on the door im sure some people are very lucky and meet their life partner at 13 but i think thats unusual could you try on line dating etc?

heateallthebuns · 07/10/2017 16:27

Winning the lottery is down to random luck. Finding a relationship takes effort. Putting yourself in places where you will meet men and developing friendly relationships with them / online dating.

x2boys · 07/10/2017 16:32

Agree with heat my mum and dad met at a dance in the 60,s my sister met her dh in a night club in the 90,s i met dh through his sister the point is you have to be in a position to meet people?

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 16:33

I know, but there is an element of luck. I have tried online, just didn't really get anywhere.

OP posts:
Eebahgum · 07/10/2017 16:35

I was you in my younger years. Spent a long time wondering what was "wrong" with me. Did a lot of active looking - internet dating, speed dating etc but nothing seemed to work. Age and wisdom have taught me that I was looking for the wrong thing. I wanted a relationship - any relationship - to give me some kind of validation. I should've been looking for happiness in whatever form I found it. I'm not necessarily happier now than I was in my single years. I certainly don't feel more self confident/validated by being in a relationship. And there are plenty of things I miss about being single. Don't kid yourself that everyone in a relationship is happier than you. A good proportion of them are significantly more miserable and looking for an escape route to where you are.
Having said all that - I do completely get the urge to be with someone. And I think the best tip I can give you is keep a broad mind. Some of the happiest people I know are in relationships with people you wouldn't expect. Keep your eyes peeled for a man who is kind - who treats you well. And when you spot him try not to discount him for silly reasons like "he's not your type".

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 16:36

I don't think you are me at all!

OP posts:
heateallthebuns · 07/10/2017 16:37

I don't think there really is any luck involved. Do you meet men through work? I had a friend who worked in a female dominated profession, she didn't meet anyone in work so had to go out lots and make friends with girls who had lots of male friends, went along to nights out with friends who worked in jobs with lots of men.

Do you actually not meet anyone? Or not flirt?

Did you not see anyone you liked online?

x2boys · 07/10/2017 16:38

Of course there is i went to night clubs for years (this was before internet dating) in the hope of meeting someone i met loads of men but they were mainly idiots it was luck i met dh i had been out with his sister we were drunk and she took me home to meet him it sounds terrible but he we are we clicked you have to put yourself in a position to meet someone?

Dalphidol · 07/10/2017 16:38

I was my ex dp's first relationship in our late 30s. It still can happen.

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 16:39

I just didn't have any luck online, no real interest.

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 07/10/2017 16:40

I didn’t meat my DH until I was 32, and he was 37, and neither of us had had long-term relationships. We’ve now been together for 15 years, married for 14. So it is possible to meet people later in life. We were introduced by friends who thought we’d get on, we were in email contact for a bit then arranged to meet.

There are reputable dating sites you could join. My DSis and her DH met on one such site at a similar age to you and they’re still going strong. (Second marriage for both of them.) You just need to maybe ask a friend to help you do a profile that shows you at your best. It’s a bit like selling yourself in a job interview, as I’ve heard.

The other way is to find hobbies and join groups, whatever is your thing. That way you’ll meet more like-minded people.

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