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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder why I have never had a boyfriend?

255 replies

silverylamp · 07/10/2017 15:58

Bit very embarrassing.

I am nothing special but pleasantly average. Successful career, own home, own teeth!

Yet I have never had so much of a whiff of interest.

I think if may be because although my life is settled and happy enough now (albeit dull) when I was younger it was chaotic and very dysfunctional. Perhaps most relationships are formed in younger years?

OP posts:
Justaboy · 07/10/2017 17:50

There's not much to tell Lover!

Well then TRY! come on!?.

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 17:50

Both, but I don't know if I worry about it. Unhaply acceptance is the best descriptor I can find?

OP posts:
Flowergarden63 · 07/10/2017 17:52

You are giving up then basically, ar 37Hmm
You sound quite negative (not being mean)
A positive attitude works wonders.

Flowergarden63 · 07/10/2017 17:52

At*

LeggyLinda · 07/10/2017 17:53

Great advice from funnylittlefloozie

Whilst the weight loss and apppeance change is to be applauded, it is the confidence associated with this that makes the difference.

IME real men don't care for looks beyond a one night stand or to show off a partner to friends. Real relationships come from personality matches and shared interests and fun.

Early year relationships (20s etc) are based on hormones and looks which is why it is harder as you grow (often apart).

You are at s stage in life where that is behind you. You should be excited about meeting new people based on real attributes not feeling like a failure

Flowergarden63 · 07/10/2017 17:54

You are only 37 you could meet some next Week, month, year.

NikiBabe · 07/10/2017 17:54

Im in the same position op.

Utterly fucked.

heateallthebuns · 07/10/2017 17:54

Hmmm does sound like your attitude is negative and could be off putting. All the people you worked with were in relationships, none ever split up, none had friends or siblings who were single. Unlikely.

heateallthebuns · 07/10/2017 17:55

Yeah funky little flop zoe is spot on!

heateallthebuns · 07/10/2017 17:55

Funny little floozie!!

MeMeMeMe123 · 07/10/2017 17:56

Nice post funny

Im tall and fat which brings double the trouble!

Never get asked out. I must give off terrible vibes.

I do have great friends and they tell me I'm lovely. I don't believe them any more 😂

I can relate OP. I can't tell you why it's not worked for you though, because I don't think there are answers, just interpretations.

My strategy is to concern myself with my wellbeing and strengthen my boundaries. My mother is a nightmare, who consistently tries to control, always be right, doesn't listen... that taught me to be placid, to not argue back, to be a people pleaser.

I hope I can undo the damage coz if I don't, I've a lonely life ahead of me.

Don't give up OP!-

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 17:56

It isn't going to happen, flower Like expecting someone who has been unemployed since school to suddenly get a good job.

I don't think my attitude is negative. It's true I didn't quiz colleagues as to whether they had single brothers! I don't know, just worked out like this.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 07/10/2017 17:57

Reading your posts op. You seem very defensive and totally closed off to thr idea of a relationship. I’m not sure if this comes across in real life or how you handled the dates.

If you do want a relationship, why not try on line dating again but have someone you trust look at your profile.

ShatnersWig · 07/10/2017 17:59

heateall Actually I can quite believe the OP. I'm a 43-year old single guy and I have been single for 7 years. I am involved in many hobbies, full-time job, loads of friends. Single women are as rare as hen's teeth both in workplace and the various clubs and classes I belong to now or have belonged to. I've followed all the usual advice but on the very very rare occasions a single woman comes along, they are in their early 20s.

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 17:59

I am bluntness, because I am more wondering how I got here than anything else. I didn't want to waste people's time with advice on how to meet people, that is all. Normally I am very cheery and upbeat. It's only at home when I cry.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 07/10/2017 17:59

And all of my female friends know I am on the look out but none of them know any single women in their early 40s either.

funnylittlefloozie · 07/10/2017 18:00

I think i'm starting to see why you've not managed to get into a relationship (and please don't take this as criticism - i am genuinely trying to give you some answers). You clearly don't like talking about yourself very much, so you probably come across as quite uninterested in chit-chat and its likely this makes you appear a bit unapproachable. People may wonder how to start a conversation with you...and if they can't even find a way to start a friendly chat, they're going to think that an evening on a date with you would be excruciating. Much better to ask Smiley Sandra at the next desk, at least she looks fun.

Can i ask, what sort of industry did you go into at the age of 22 when EVERY SINGLE person you worked with was married or coupled up? I'd only just left uni at that age, and i didnt know anyone who was married, i think two of our group had serious partners and the others were just looking.

Mollie85 · 07/10/2017 18:01

Op you might take this the wrong way and it's not meant with any unkindness.

But your problem here is you (in the nicest possible way)-

The way you talk on this thread, your attitude to it all and your "shut down responses" that you use in the post might come across IRL?

"Tell us about you"
"Not a lot to tell"

Etc...
People can't have a conversation with a brick wall - there has to be some reciprocity

It's clear that you seem to be lacking a bit in confidence (absolutely correct me if I am wrong), but what is it that makes you you?

I am an average joe too - but my friends would say that I am good at making people laugh and I tell a good story...
Personally, I like music, books and baking.

If I wanted to find a "mate", I might try a reading club, comedy night, a festival or pub where someone was playing a gig, etc...

Being hapless and apathetic will not work. It's like most things, if you want it you have to put work in for it.

Giving up at the age of 37 is preposterous - because giving up what you want at ANY age is preposterous...

My question to you - does your want for this trump your reasons not to try to get it?

This isn't a personal attack, op - I wish you luck, but without sounding wanky- you have to make this happen for yourself Grin

annandale · 07/10/2017 18:01

I have a friend who 'met' someone when she was i think 38. She was definitely open to a relationship but had never had one previously. From my perspective, she is fab to be around and in fact very careful with her appearance but having grown up extremely poor, she mostly wore durable clothes inherited from her elderly mother. She paid no attention to fashion at all, didn't read papers, magazines or watch TV. She had a few terrible experiences as her mother was involved with helping ex-convicts and alcoholics and had little sense of the dangers of bringing them to their house. As a result she was careful in her body language, guarded and aware of her physical safety. We once looked at a pair of shoes together and her only comment was 'I couldn't run away in those'. Her dad was a complete arse quiet cultured person who had a constant turnover of girlfriends all through her life.

She never looked or sounded like she wanted a relationship. She was, and came across as, completely selfsufficient, confident in her own interests and competent in all areas of life. She's also loads of fun, incredibly well informed, intelligent, a hidden party animal, endlessly interesting. But she had barriers up that were rooted in her past. She desperately wanted to be with someone but her safety levels were set so high it was hard to see how it would happen.

She eventually met someone on the phone. He rang her for a specific reason which required him to learn more about her, they talked for three hours and the rest is history.

I think a lot of women who appear to have had lots of relationships stick to married men for similar reasons. Your way and her way are healthier.

I think a relationship with a therapist is what you should aim for, and you should be very picky to find the right one.

existentialmoment · 07/10/2017 18:01

It isn't going to happen, flower Like expecting someone who has been unemployed since school to suddenly get a good job

no, not if they don't apply for any jobs and just sit around wondering why they are unemployed.

Justaboy · 07/10/2017 18:02

It isn't going to happen, flower Like expecting someone who has been unemployed since school to suddenly get a good job.

But that's not set in stone is it really? You might just have to work at getting the job. I've just recently taken over a firm that's rather exciting to run but to some extent i had to go for it it didn't come to me.

diddl · 07/10/2017 18:02

Justaboy-was a really small out in the sticks station with about four of us waiting!

WritingHome · 07/10/2017 18:02

Shatners you and Silvery should go on a date!

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 18:04

Thing is floozy that is so the opposite to how I actually am. It's true I don't like talking about myself with regard to this, but I am honestly so warm and friendly, everyone has always said so.

existensial I know you might be trying tough love, but its just making me feel a bit shit to be honest! Remember I'm not asking for advice here. You don't need to be unpleasant to me, when it's my own life that it affecfs if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 07/10/2017 18:05

Mollie is absolutely spot on.

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