AIBU to wonder why I have never had a boyfriend?

[silverylamp]

Bit very embarrassing.

I am nothing special but pleasantly average. Successful career, own home, own teeth!

Yet I have never had so much of a whiff of interest.

I think if may be because although my life is settled and happy enough now (albeit dull) when I was younger it was chaotic and very dysfunctional. Perhaps most relationships are formed in younger years?

Demographics work against you in your 30's. Most men, especially the most eligible are partnered by then

I disagree with this, there’s plenty of men who don’t want to settle down until they’re in their 30s and ones persons eligible is another persons nightmare,

Silvery
I didn't date until my mid 30's.
Despite being told I was pretty not a sniff of interest either.
I just didn't connect.
I found out years later I had Aspergers.

BTW Snots advice is good. Meeting someone through a shared activity is much better than online dating.

Tough love (as tough as I can be cause I'm a bit of a softy)

You think the reason you can't find someone is because you're too old, in a nutshell.

Wrong.

The reason is because you are closed off to it and you've given up.

Tonnes of amazing advice here from all posters - every single piece of advice or suggestion you've shut down.

That's why you're single.
You don't want it badly enough.

Age, looks - nothing to do with it.
Things that attract people in the first instance (for me it's eyes) are not the things that will continue a relationship (I'm not going to stay with a gorgeous brown eyed man who can't hold a conversation/ make me laugh/ whatever it is I need from a relationship).

Sometimes it's just easier not to. I get that. I'm human too.

But you have the power to make this happen and you know you do, so if you want it - do it.

But the passive approach ten pages in... come on OP, it's getting a little old.

Yep - that's the meanest I can be - made any difference?

I have wondered if I have ASD. Some of it fits; some not at all.

Silverylamp Have you considered that you might be suffering from depression? The way you talk about yourself, mentioning dying alone and no-one noticing, reminds me of myself a few years ago. From the outside, all looked rosy - own home, car, great job, wide circle of friends etc but I used to sit and cry because I felt so lonely. I had intrusive thoughts about my friendship groups, imagining disaster scenarios where they would all club together to save each other but forget about me. I placed myself at the bottom of every group and convinced myself I would die alone and no-one would find me for weeks. At the time I didn't realise I was depressed, I only realised years later while going through counselling.
The thing that changed things for me in terms of finding a relationship was that I decided I was going to make positive steps to be open to meeting someone. I said yes to social engagements I'd previously have turned down. I spoke to people outside of my friendship group when on nights out. I took off the blinkers. And 5 months into my 'year of saying yes', I met the man who became my DH. I know for certain I'd never have run into him and got chatting had I not had that change of mental attitude.
You've had some great advice on this thread and maybe you'll listen, maybe you won't, but, and I mean this in the best way possible, you have to WANT something for it to come to you, and as long as you're saying you're resigned to it, it probably won't happen...

Cross post with Mollie85 there!

I have wondered if I have ASD. Some of it fits; some not at all.

ASD in women is quite complex and difficult to understand.
I'd suggest exploring the possibility you may have ASD by reading up on the subject.

Agree with Aunti. Aspergers varies hugely and women develop different strategies to "mask" it. You don't have to "fit" all the typical behaviours. Could you talk to your GP about an assessment for this, as well as possible depression? I think you can be referred for free counselling too. Just go, GPs see this day after day. There are people out there who can help you.

Thanks. I have read up on it and some fits. Some really doesn't.

I disagree with this, there’s plenty of men who don’t want to settle down until they’re in their 30s and ones persons eligible is another persons nightmare,

Demographics studies groups within populations. It's simply a fact that as you get older there are more single women and fewer single men. And I never said it was impossible for a single woman to meet a man in her 30's. In fact, my very next sentence related that I found my husband in my mid 30's.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/single-women-should-move-to-london-but-single-men-should-go-to-merseyside-research-shows-9480725.html

This is reflected in the general demographics of the population, commented Mr Nelson: “Because the single population is heavily male at the youngest end and heavily female at the older end, this means that areas with relatively young populations tend to have a greater surplus of single men, while areas with older populations tend to have a greater surplus of single women.”

Looking back on my past relationships, I've met most of my partners in pubs or at parties (although I met 2 boyfriends in hospital - one was treating my broken wrist, the other was visiting a mutual friend). You certainly won't meet anyone sitting home alone.

Then I got to thinking about how friends and colleagues met their partners. A lot met through work, but a fair few through a shared interest. One friend has just married someone she met because they had adjacent allotments, another met because they walked their dogs at the same time, one on a sailing trip, two at the gym, one on a specialist interest holiday and one got together with the man who used to service her car.

One thing strikes me though: to generate interest, you have to show interest (but not so much that you come across as desperate or scarey). Do you think you come across as open and friendly OP? You sound a bit sort of uptight, tbh.

I have a cousin who has never settled down with anyone. She is 50 now and very nice & attractive. Has her own place, a good job. It's strange. I often wonder if she's as happy as she seems. She has a very big family with loads of siblings, nieces & nephews. And goes on lots of holidays with friends. I would NEVER ask her about it as I wouldn't want to upset or annoy her. So I guess I'll never really know why she hasn't settled down with anyone or what she feels about it... sorry for the ramble but your post has made me think about it. ..,

DD is 25.
She is bubbly pretty and outgoing.
She works in an all female environment.
Her friends are settled in relationships.
She has no boyfriend and never has!
She does try to meet men, tinder etc but to no avail
She is a size 18 and whilst I personally don't feel this should be a problem I think it is for men as they don't approach her.
I am so worried that she won't find someone and will still be living with me and her father in 10 years time

It could be your weight
Your looks
Your personality

Or a combination of these things.

I strongly suspect it's your personality because regardless of looks and weight people manage to hook up.

So it's some sort of way you come across

Combined with a lack of flirtatious behaviour in social situations

I mean this kindly btw

I may well be wrong

If you have an interest pursue that and you might get lucky or go speed dating

Most of my friends met their partners in the local pub, at a club, at work, going for fish and chips, in a queue.

One though has had 3 husbands and 5 children from a certain OLD site.

It is about opening yourself up to the possibility of going out with someone and seeing where it leads.

In your case I would think OLD might be good just to go for coffee with as many guys as you can just to get you used to chatting and if you make a fool of yourself well it is only 15 minutes and you probably won't set eyes on them again.

Like someone up thread said when you referred to having more chance of winning the lottery than getting a bf. You still have to go out and buy a lottery ticket before you can hope to win.

Staying in and hoping someone will suddenly knock on your door is not happening.

Like everything in life if you want something and it doesn't come naturally to you. You have to go out and put the effort in.

An analogy would be if someone went to live in France and 6 months later they spoke French fluently. Someone else goes and 6 months later still couldn't speak a word.
The former went out, spoke to people, went to French cinemas and made a fool of themselves trying to get the accent right. Whilst the latter spent their time indoors, watching American movies and British soap operas and expected the same outcome.

I do, but I know it won't happen now as I have left it too late.

Self-fulfilling prophesy then. You have decided you are past it. So no, it won't happen for you as you are closed to the possibility. You don't want suggestions of where you went wrong, or how to change things, you want to wallow and for others to join in your pity party.

What needs to change here is your mindset.

From reading the thread I think you are depressed and have been for some time, but have become quite adept at putting on a 'mask' to hide your depression from the outside world.

Speaking from personal experience, one of the difficulties you are facing is that when you're depressed you often don't really want to think about constructive ways to change, you just want to wallow in their sadness. You've had some good feedback and suggestions on this thread but you don't seem to be particularly receptive to any of them, and I think this is why.

I suspect that you want really wanted from this thread for people to say, "Oh, yes you're obviously too unattractive to get anyone, it's a terrible shame". Then you can feel sorry for yourself and have a little private cry but also feel reassured that you're just destined to be sad and unfulfilled and there's nothing you can do about it. If you take on board any of the advice you've been given then you would have to do something about your situation and that's what your depression is completely resistant to.

If any of this is chiming with you then can I gently suggest that you stop thinking about relationships for the time being and instead focus on what you can do to start getting help for your mental health. That will mean having to open up to at least one person about what's going on in your life, which will seem like a terrifying prospect when you've invested so much into crafting your public 'mask' to hide your true feelings from the world. But what you've doing so far clearly isn't working, and at this point what have you got to lose?

I probably am depressed but I don't really find ADs work. Sorry to be annoying, by the way!

I think you should start with yourself op then the rest will follow.
Do you have any pets?
A dog is a lovely companion. Work on yourself then welcome someone else in. You are only 37 you have time.

But it's not ADs or nothing.

In your case it sounds as though talk therapy would work better, partly precisely because it's talk therapy, because you'd have to open up and let the therapist know you. And this thread has shown just how closed off you are despite protestations to the contrary.

Talking to one person who accepted whatever you imagine your terrible flaws are could make all the difference.

Also, you claim you're all sweetness and light around other people and only sad at home.

I doubt that's true. People can tell these things. I have a friend who I think has masked depression who reminds me of you. In public he's very warm and friendly, –and he does have friends.

But he sets up barriers and just won't go beyond a certain point, and doesn't want to talk about the issues that his awful childhood has obviously caused, he talks about having a positive attitude and not wanting to wallow in the past.

But any time he takes a selfie (ok, he doesn't do it often) and sometimes in photos that other people take, he looks so unbearably sad. He can't hide it, no matter how hard he tries to hide it even from himself. It's similar to resting bitch face.

And even when it's not outwardly visible, at some level people sense those things.

I probably am depressed but I don't really find ADs work.

Antidepressants are among the most challenging medications to prescribe. There are multiple types, with different mechanisms of action. Patients vary widely in dosing needs. There is often a long period of time needed on the medication before any benefit become apparent.

If your doctor was convinced enough that you suffer from depression to prescribe medications go back and ask him or her to keep trying and to try you on different classes of AD's.

I was 36 when i met DH. It's certainly not to late for you.

I also second the suggestion of talk therapy. For many people it's as effective as medications for depression, and having someone objective to explore these issues with can be invaluable.

OP you're not annoying at all. I think you're muddled and too close to your situation to see clearly...and that's absolutely normal.

The France analogy is a good one. I am not ready to let anyone into my life...too vulnerable. What I am going to do is build myself up. I don't know how yet though.

I agree about vibes. I look at photos of me from 1-4 years ago. I look so sad. It's was in my eyes. Interestingly, more recent photos show I look so much better. The twinkle is returning. I've not lost any weight god knows I need to but I look different somehow.

So, think about how you might be coming across to others. It'll hurt like hell but will ultimately help. GL.

I would suggest to help you understand it all better, which is what you really seem to want to know, that you go to Relate. They do relationship counselling for single people. It might help you figure everything out.