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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder why I have never had a boyfriend?

255 replies

silverylamp · 07/10/2017 15:58

Bit very embarrassing.

I am nothing special but pleasantly average. Successful career, own home, own teeth!

Yet I have never had so much of a whiff of interest.

I think if may be because although my life is settled and happy enough now (albeit dull) when I was younger it was chaotic and very dysfunctional. Perhaps most relationships are formed in younger years?

OP posts:
Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 17:00

No, not picky, and no, no past relationships.

OP posts:
Justaboy · 07/10/2017 17:00

Mid 30's eh?. That's no age really. I can in an odd way understand where your coming from though. I'm now mid sixties and have been married twice separated five years ago divorced around 2 years ago. Had a very brief fling with a totally unsuitable woman more -frantic sex- sort of FWB but nothing else would never worked longer term TMI i know but there we went .

However did a spot of OLD met up with some women my own age but it wasn't a very shall we say good outcome all they wanted to do was moan about their barsteward "ex"

Yes it would be lovely to have that someone special to share times with. I'm a workaholic and the idea of swanning off on a Caribbean or Maldives holiday for a fortnight this year is VERY appealing but it would be no fun without someone to go with. So where do you find them?, at my age sodded if i know I'm in two clubs and societies but hardly any women the very few that are are married . I don't do night clubs anymore and where i live there isnt one really its just a collection of places that no one over 30 would go to.

Other then that where do you go i love classical music and opera but concert attendance is very rarely you will bump into anyone who is by themselves so it seems. I do a bit of flying sometimes but there again hardly any unattached women around.

I employ a few people mainly male the women are all married or in relationship's and are around mid 20's so not at work!

So whats to be done one thing is apparent that you have to get out there looking and that's easier said than done! But in an odd way I can't "picture" a relationship anymore and that's odd in itself. I would however think at your age it might be easier somehow? Any friends to go out with there again all the ones i have are married and happy with it!

Still might have another go at OLD next year

alldaysleeper · 07/10/2017 17:02

Met DH when I was 38 and he was 42 married 4 years later. Really wasn't looking (had stopped looking) he had never been in a relationship and me just brief ones, or few dates then nothing. He definitely wasn't my "type" but this turned out to be just what I actually needed. We became friends and he made me laugh a lot and he always put me first which on reflection no one else ever did and I thought I was dull or not worth such a relationship. I think what I'm trying to say is I just wasn't mature enough earlier on for the type of relationship I have now.

x2boys · 07/10/2017 17:02

My aunt is in her late 70,s she has never met anyone i dont know why she isnt unattractive or anythiing but i never remember meeting any of her boyfriends she seems happy enough i just think sometimes you have to be proactive?

pinkdelight · 07/10/2017 17:02

Might be reading too much into this but your replies are very short and giving little away about yourself, esp compared to how much others are saying/asking/engaging. Is there a chance this is how you are in life? A successful relationship is often more about giving than getting. How much are you really interested in other people?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/10/2017 17:04

It isn't going to happen now, but I am wondering why it has never happened.

Just to check - do you want it to happen? Do you want advice on making it happen?

Or did you just want to discuss why it didn’t happen, but have no intention of changing it?

Either is fine; but it might help keep the thread relevant to you if you clarify.

I met my current partner at 26; my previous at 16. I have friends who met their partners at 19/20 and friends who met them much later - there’s no real set age, although I can appreciate that it might feel like there is, if your friends seem to be following the same “timeline” and you’re not.

FiloPasty · 07/10/2017 17:04

Go on first dates :)

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 17:04

Normally I am quite outgoing and chatty. I just feel I am not the type men fancy, I suppose.

OP posts:
Flossy1978 · 07/10/2017 17:04

I think there is too much pressure from society about being in relationships.

So what if you haven't jsd someone by your mid 20's etc? Like another responder insinuated it isn't normal.

There is NOTHING wrong with someone not having been in a relationship. There are plenty of people living happy fulfilling lives as singles.

teaandcakeat8 · 07/10/2017 17:04

Do you like meeting new people? Are you genuinely interested in meeting others?

There is quite a difference between actively dating and it just not working out with anyone to not having any relationship with men at all - not sure which you are?

heateallthebuns · 07/10/2017 17:05

My dad was widowed in his 60s. He met lots of women through church Smile it's not surprising you don't meet women flying. What are the other clubs you're in? If you're into opera and classical music could you join a choir?

heateallthebuns · 07/10/2017 17:08

Men fancy all types!!
You already said two of the men you went on dates with fancied you. That's 50% of your sample!

Someone else said you have built a wall up and are not allowing yourself a relationship as you're scared of it failing. It certainly sounds like that.

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 17:08

I don't feel my life is as fulfilling as it could have been, to be honest. I come across well to people but keep them at arms length apart from maybe two or three good friends. Even then, they open up mpre to me than I do to them.

OP posts:
ludothedog · 07/10/2017 17:09

Why has it never worked for you? I would guess the clue is in your chaotic and dysfunctional early start op. I think it's time for you to revisit that with professional help.

I have had boyfriends and relationships but they never got past a certain point. After lots of self reflection and counselling I realised that I often was sabotaging relationships due to the feeling that I just was not worth loving and so I would push people away or have relationships with those who clearly were not right for me. Lack of confidence and trust could be traced back to my chaotic and dysfunctional early start.

Perhaps its the same for you?

RosyPony · 07/10/2017 17:10

You can't win the lottery unless you buy a ticket.

Winterbeaches · 07/10/2017 17:13

I think it's a very recent idea, that everyone should be coupled up. In times past, there were always maiden aunts and bachelor uncles....three of my DH's great aunts bought a house together and never married, even though at least one of them could have. There will always be people who stay single for a long period of their adult life, through choice or circumstances. It's not necessarily anything to do with your personality or attractivenesd

Justaboy · 07/10/2017 17:15

Normally I am quite outgoing and chatty. I just feel I am not the type men fancy, I suppose. Umm - don't believe you!

What are the other clubs you're in? If you're into opera and classical music could you join a choir?

Yes if there was one for frog voiced men;!

HargenDarse · 07/10/2017 17:17

What is your appearance like?

I no longer get attention from the opposite sex anymore because I don't look like a pornstar. I'm 25 years old and Ive always liked the casual look.

LeggyLinda · 07/10/2017 17:18

I think you and everyone is making too much of this.
It is not that unusual. The best relationships are (statistically speaking) formed in 30s and 40s IMO. I was fortunate in meeting my OH early in life but that was not standard (totally different story).

Most of my closest friends were met "later" in life and most successful partnerships I know if were formed "later" in life. Though my marriage started early in my life I consider myself an exception. Generally, relationships in 20s fail for one reason or another and people in 30s / 40s are much more stable.

Also, I believe it IS luck to a certain extent. Hunting a relationship often results in "settling" for what's on offer at the time. Whereas just meeting someone is much more likely to result in two people just clicking and getting on without pressure.

When you're in your early 30s you are not past it or "weird" on the contrary, you are at your best and the world is your oyster. Just enjoy life. Remember you probably have the pick of the bunch and can afford to be choosy.

Sorry for the rambling reply.

Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 17:18

Average, really. Just normal person!

OP posts:
Original poster
silverylamp · 07/10/2017 17:19

I am a good 5 years past early 30s

Sad

37

OP posts:
Eebahgum · 07/10/2017 17:23

Fortunately "the type men fancy" (which in my experience is as wide and varied as "the type women fancy") is not the same as "the type men would like to have a long term relationship with". I fancy Channing Tatum. Dp is NOTHING like him. I'm not sure I'd say I "fancy" dp - but I do love him. And I'm sure Channing Tatum has flaws that mean we wouldn't have a successful long term relationship. Well probably not - he's bloody perfect - but you know what I mean!

SabineUndine · 07/10/2017 17:23

I’m like you, OP, I’ve had about two dates in my entire life. Men dyfind me attractive. In fact I think I put them off - probably too assertive and not attentive enough to them. Have you tried asking a close friend what they think? Make it clear you don’t mind painful truths.

SabineUndine · 07/10/2017 17:24

*don’t find

LeggyLinda · 07/10/2017 17:25

Sorry, I must've misread somewhere as I thought you were early 30s for some reason.

But that is even better. You are at your prime. At this age you are probably solid and comfortable with yourself (or at least more so than you were in younger days).

Don't fret.