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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy about friend's daughter joining our holiday

168 replies

user1485342611 · 06/10/2017 11:21

A group of us have arranged to go on holiday together. All female friends who have known each other for years. Now one of the group has asked if her 19 year old daughter can come too. Apparently the daughter had been due to go away for a couple of weeks in August with some Uni friends but it fell through for various reasons. Her mum 'feels sorry for her' because she didn't get a holiday she had been looking forward to so wants her to come along with us. Our holiday coincides with a 'reading week' from University apparently, so she will be free.

AIBU to think this is not on? She will completely change the dynamic, and none of us really even know her that well.

OP posts:
Sonders · 06/10/2017 11:25

Your friend has put you in an awkward situation by asking, YANBU.

I'd just be polite and say you've been looking forward to catching up about old times and would rather just keep the current plan. Any good friend would understand

Sallygroves · 06/10/2017 11:25

I don't understand the problem. Why would you not want her to go with you? She 19.

Whitegrenache · 06/10/2017 11:26

I'm having a similar holiday next year with a group of 40 something girls and one of them is bringing her 18 year old
Dd and she is most welcome and will be fun to be around.
Can't see what your problem is to be honest.

ginswinger · 06/10/2017 11:27

I think I would just go with it and enjoy yourself. You could risk looking like a bit unkind to separate mum and daughter!

Sunnydaysrock · 06/10/2017 11:28

Totally understand. YANBU. What do the other friends think? Totally get the dynamics will be different and not really fair on the rest of you. Will change topics of conversation quite a lot. Kids naturally get talked about, plus husbands etc. You'll all be watching what you say!

scaryteacher · 06/10/2017 11:28

YANBU - how you act with friends, and then how you act when the ''kids' are around is different. It changes the dynamic as you say.

ItchyFoot · 06/10/2017 11:28

It's not like she's bringing a toddler. I often hang out with my mum's friends. Especially if there's gin.

Littlefish · 06/10/2017 11:29

Whether she's 19 or 49, she's not part of your social group of long standing friends.

I can completely understand why you don't want her to come along, but you will need to speak very carefully to her mum about it as it's the sort of thing that can very easily cause upset. Because the mum is happy to spend time with her (obviously), she can't see why everyone else wouldn't be happy to spend time with the daughter too.

5rivers7hills · 06/10/2017 11:29

"no, sorry - much as we love it will just really change the dynamic if she comes. I understand if you want to cancel and do something separately whit your daughter"

ShiftyMcGifty · 06/10/2017 11:31

Depends if you're all renting a big house together or separate hotel rooms. Big city break or isolated beach island?

Of course the dynamic will change but maybe your friend and her daughter can go off on their own and break away from the main group during the day

ZaraW · 06/10/2017 11:32

I wouldn't have a problem with it.

astoundedgoat · 06/10/2017 11:32

I think you're being a bit U. We've had threads on here about people trying to bring their babies and toddlers on hen weekends, and that's obv. not on, but this is a grown woman who you presumably also know and don't think is awful (or is she?). She'll be fine. Enjoy her company.

Original poster
user1485342611 · 06/10/2017 11:36

We're renting an apartment together. As I said, none of us really know this girl so it's a bit like me deciding to invite along a friend from work that none of the others have met, or some such.

OP posts:
cherrycola2004 · 06/10/2017 11:37

Can’t understand why the 19 year old would even want to go? Perhaps she’ll be happy doing her own thing?

FortunatelyUnfortunately · 06/10/2017 11:39

YANBU

TheGuffalo · 06/10/2017 11:41

I don't understand the problem. Why would you not want her to go with you? She 19.

But they aren't friends? That's the problem. Any random would be awkward. And yes, even at 19 you will have to censor yourself or cause an almighty rift when you mention her mum sneaking out of some boy's room at uni etc.

Crimblewick · 06/10/2017 11:43

I would have no problem at all with it. It might change the dynamic but why assume it will be for the worse? It's good to stir things up occasionally. I'd think OP a little mean-spirited.

amusedbush · 06/10/2017 11:43

YANBU, it would totally change the holiday. You'd be on edge and censoring your conversations.

I hated overhearing my mum being crude while having a laugh with her friends, it was just uncomfortable. I understand that she's a person, not just my mum, and for that reason I'd never choose to hang out with her and her friends.

Why would a 19 year even want to go??

ShiftyMcGifty · 06/10/2017 11:45

are they thinking the daughter gets to stay for free and bunk with her mum?

Because stipulating a recalculation of a split might mean daughter realises she can't afford it

StaplesCorner · 06/10/2017 11:49

To me its exactly the same as inviting a new person into an established group, you wouldnt do it with such a big age gap and you certainly wouldn't do it on holiday!

I am in a small group of women who go out once a month we are all 40s and 50s. Some of us have teenage daughters, the minute one of the girls turned 14 she started getting invites to our daytime meetings; the another mum thought her 16 year old should come too (these are not held in pubs or bars so in theory they could come). We like to discuss relationships and personal things, having someone's significantly younger daughter there makes that embarrassing - we have to adapt our conversations accordingly. My DD would hate it, but i am aware its a "thing" for women's groups to invite daughters once they are at a certain age.

Fishface77 · 06/10/2017 11:58

Have you got kids the same age? I would say no sorry it's. It fair in the other kids who've asked if they can come but been turned down.

If your such good friends is there no chance of saying lol no!

GreenTulips · 06/10/2017 12:01

You see there are 2 camps

The more the merrier camps that welcome new people and the 'clique camps' that exclude

Your choice - it may not be what you want but you're a grown up

scottishdiem · 06/10/2017 12:05

Query - do men do this as well? I mean feel the need to exclude other mens sons if they are asked along. I mean, I have seen lots of men added to their fathers social groups in the pubs and various sporting things. In some places I am now seeing the sons of sons being added.

I suppose, as GreenTulips has framed it, there are more clique camps in womens social circles?

changemyname1 · 06/10/2017 12:07

This has the potential to split the group, not unlike on here, neither side will be happy.
Tread carefully op, can you find out how the others feel about the idea?
It would have been better to introduce the DD at a different time and place, not a holiday where you are all in one big apartment.
Silly idea, I'm with you op I wouldn't like it.

WyfOfBathe · 06/10/2017 12:08

YANBU. A 19 year old may be an adult, but there's still generally a big difference between a 19 year old and people in their 40s/50s.

Like other people have said, having someone's daughter there will change the dynamic. You can't joke about some things or have a lighthearted moan about your kids.