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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy about friend's daughter joining our holiday

168 replies

user1485342611 · 06/10/2017 11:21

A group of us have arranged to go on holiday together. All female friends who have known each other for years. Now one of the group has asked if her 19 year old daughter can come too. Apparently the daughter had been due to go away for a couple of weeks in August with some Uni friends but it fell through for various reasons. Her mum 'feels sorry for her' because she didn't get a holiday she had been looking forward to so wants her to come along with us. Our holiday coincides with a 'reading week' from University apparently, so she will be free.

AIBU to think this is not on? She will completely change the dynamic, and none of us really even know her that well.

OP posts:
WineGummyBear · 06/10/2017 12:14

I think it's poor form to ask to include extra people on a holiday once it has been booked.

It's very difficult to tactfully say 'actually, I'd prefer to keep it just us'

Original poster
user1485342611 · 06/10/2017 12:14

I genuinely don't understand the 'cliquey' comment. To me, that's a group at work or school sticking tightly together and not letting anyone else join in. But this is about someone who none of us really knows, and who is in a completely different age group, suddenly joining in on a holiday that was about old friends getting together,

OP posts:
sheldonesque · 06/10/2017 12:14

I don't think it is about cliques though.

I wouldn't go on holiday with my mum - it is her break, her holiday and she can talk about things with her friends that she may not necessarily want to discuss with me. Likewise her friends can talk freely. I love my mum dearly but her time is her time.

Like it or not, it would change the dynamic and if the group were looking forward to their holiday senza kids, it would be mean spirited not to take their feelings into account.

ALittleMop · 06/10/2017 12:17

Can't really have been good friends for years if you've not met her daughter?

TheGuffalo · 06/10/2017 12:21

She's met her, she doesn't know her. And if you live in different areas after school that's normal. She's friends with the mum, not the daughter. That's the point.

TheGuffalo · 06/10/2017 12:21

You could speak literally daily but live in different areas. That would mean you aren't good friends?

Original poster
user1485342611 · 06/10/2017 12:24

Her mum is an old friend ALittleMop, but we now live in different cities so I haven't seen her daughter regularly since she was a little girl.

OP posts:
The80sweregreat · 06/10/2017 12:28

I can see why you dont like the idea of her being there - i agree with changemyname , best to tread carefully and get the views of the other ladies that are going - some might be happy about it and make you feel awful for saying that your not! you dont want to cause a big upset before you go away. She may well come along and just do her own thing and not be any trouble at all and it might work out okay. I am a bit of a coward and i would keep quiet and let someone else speak up - i am not good with confrontation though and i would want to go away with a happy atmosphere , no tension with your friends. its a tough call though.

DingDongDenny · 06/10/2017 12:31

I would hate this. I think you need to be honest but tactful and find out what everyone else thinks too. Have you spoken to anyone else in the group?

Jiggler · 06/10/2017 12:33

I'd hate this too.

Original poster
user1485342611 · 06/10/2017 12:36

Yes I've spoken to two members of the group and they aren't happy about it. I've also heard, from one of the two, that another member is annoyed over it. There's six of us in all and the mum has suggested her daughter can sleep on the couch in the sitting room, which is also going to be a bit messy and inconvenient.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 06/10/2017 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnotherShirtRuined · 06/10/2017 12:39

I agree with WineGummyBear. With the daughter there it will not be the holiday any of you intended, and I think it quite bad-mannered to ask to bring her. If the friend feels very bad for her daughter she is free to book another holiday with her any time she wishes.

Jiggler · 06/10/2017 12:41

Yes I've spoken to two members of the group and they aren't happy about it. I've also heard, from one of the two, that another member is annoyed over it.

Well that's the majority of you unhappy with it. So you need to speak up as a group.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/10/2017 12:42

No not on the couch. That’s inconvenient. Can you imagine? I get up very early. Tip toeing round a sleeping person.

pallisers · 06/10/2017 12:42

and the 'clique camps' that exclude

sorry but that is ridiculous. Does every group of friends going away have to be open to everyone bringing any random person they want along with them or be "clique camps that exclude". People have groups of friends - it isn't cliquey to want to spend time with just those friends when organising a weekend away or even a lunch or dinner. Generally there is a dynamic that works for the group. I wouldn't dream of bringing along one of my work friends to my uni friends weekend away - or vice versa. Different if inviting people to a party.

Not sure if I would bother saying something though - doubt it will end well. We had this years ago - group of 4 close friends working in same profession who met every week on a particular day for lunch. After a year or so, 2 of them started bringing along their boyfriends when those boyfriends moved to the city. It completely changed the dynamic of the lunch - nice as the guys were I wouldn't have been making a standing arrangement to see them once a week. We asked that our christmas lunch be just the 4 of us again and tbh the 2 of them were offended which still baffles me.

BananasAreGood · 06/10/2017 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sinceyouask · 06/10/2017 12:46

I don't understand the problem. Why would you not want her to go with you? She 19

Hmm Hmm Hmm

A group of us have arranged to go on holiday together. All female friends who have known each other for years.

She will completely change the dynamic, and none of us really even know her that well.

Jiggler · 06/10/2017 12:48

'I really hate this MN cliche that anyone who doesn't instantly throw their doors open to host anyone who happens come along is some kind of snotty bitch.'

Silly isn't it? If I'm going to go to the time and expense and life juggling of arranging a week away with friends I want that week to be spent with the people I've arranged to go away with.

eddielizzard · 06/10/2017 12:52

of course it's a bad idea. of course it'll change the dynamic.

is one of the group a close enough friend to gently say something? if not, i'd suck it up. but the mum is an idiot not to understand.

Allthebestnamesareused · 06/10/2017 12:54

If you are a group of friends who have known each other for years I can't get my head round that you don't know her daughter.

I do understand why you might not want her to come as it changes the dynamic.

I also understand having someone sleeping in the living room is annoying especially if she wants to sleep earlier or later and everyone then has to go to bed or tiptoe round in the morning.

I just don't get how you don't know her.

If everyone else is of the same opinion that she shouldn't come then I think the PP suggestion of saying it changes the dynamic but we understand if you want to pull out to go away with your DD would work.

MuddlingMackem · 06/10/2017 12:56

Hang on a minute. If she'd need to sleep on the couch does that mean the villa would be over-occupied? Would that even be allowed?

But YANBU. I wouldn't like even adult kids added into the mix with a friends meet-up, as others have said it really does change the dynamic and you do find that you have to self-censor topics of conversation.

FrancisCrawford · 06/10/2017 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConkerGame · 06/10/2017 12:57

I had a similar situation a couple of years ago where a friend asked to bring her younger sister (who the rest of us didn't really know) on our group holiday. Not as big an age gap but she was in a different life stage to the rest of us - we were late twenties and she was still at uni.

I wasn't happy about it but kept quiet to keep the peace and she turned out to be a lovely girl, a great addition to the group and didn't affect group dynamics at all.

Maybe go with the flow and you might be pleasantly surprised! She may well want to spend a lot of time sunbathing with headphones in anyway, in which case you'll hardly notice she's there!

kingfishergreen · 06/10/2017 12:58

The 'sleeping on the sofa' thing would be the dealbreaker for me.

On holiday, especially with six people in the same property, getting a tiny bit of space is crucial - with someone taking-up the living room that's one less space for everyone else. It sounds messy and annoying. The daughter will have to wait to go to bed until everyone else has, and get up whenever someone else wants to use the room. And where will she keep her stuff?

If there was a spare bed/she could share with her mum, I'd take it on the chin. In this instance, I'd have to object.

A PP has mentioned re-splitting the cost, I'd go with this approach if you don't feel comfortable just saying no.