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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy about friend's daughter joining our holiday

168 replies

user1485342611 · 06/10/2017 11:21

A group of us have arranged to go on holiday together. All female friends who have known each other for years. Now one of the group has asked if her 19 year old daughter can come too. Apparently the daughter had been due to go away for a couple of weeks in August with some Uni friends but it fell through for various reasons. Her mum 'feels sorry for her' because she didn't get a holiday she had been looking forward to so wants her to come along with us. Our holiday coincides with a 'reading week' from University apparently, so she will be free.

AIBU to think this is not on? She will completely change the dynamic, and none of us really even know her that well.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 06/10/2017 17:44

What will
You do op?
Problem Is if you say something there may be an atmosphere but if you don't there may be an atmosphere.

rookiemere · 06/10/2017 17:53

Shouldn’t be that awkward to say know.
Just say that you’ve always done the break with just yourselves so you’d rather stick to that, even though you’re sure her DD is lovely. Could also say that you’re sure her DD wouldn’t want to hang out with boring old farts. Oh and end by saying you’re sure she understands and look forward to seeing her ( But not her DD) on holiday.

Theresamayscough · 06/10/2017 18:05

i don’t understand the need for more mature women to be less of themselves around younger women

This has bog all to do with age anyway. A settled group of friends has intimate knowledge of each other’s lives and problems that an outsider does not. Would you share your friends intimate secrets or worries with your adult dd or any other random people?

another20 · 06/10/2017 18:14

Problem Is if you say something there may be an atmosphere but if you don't there may be an atmosphere.

If you are not honest and say "yes" when all 5 others want to say "no" - there will definitely be an atmosphere - there is one already.

If you respond honestly on behalf of the other 5 people and answer No to the Q - then it is up the the other friend alone to take that on board.

She may well be expecting this answer - and if SHE creates and atmosphere because you all answered honestly to her Q - then she is being unreasonable and will be the one to have created an atmosphere. If she behaves this way - put her in her place or kick her off the holiday!

TeeniefaeTroon · 06/10/2017 18:32

I’m about to go for a mini break with my friends (40 year olds) and I know it wouldn’t be as good if one of their DD’s (21) came with us. We’ve had a night out with one and that was fine but a holiday is different.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 06/10/2017 18:34

YANBU. It really doesn't matter that some people would be happy with the situation, the fact is that neither you, nor the majority of the party are happy with the change of plan and it's reasonable of you to voice that.
But as a pp said, I would tread carefully. The other dissenters might not back you up at the crucial moment, and your friend is in a bit of a spot if she's already mentioned it to her daughter.
Personally I think I would be OK with the addition because she's not just some random woman and I like to be accommodating where possible but I do acknowledge that the fact she's the daughter of one of your group could shift the dynamic.
The sleeping on the sofa in the living room would fuck me off though. Really, I would not be happy with that.

another20 · 06/10/2017 18:38

Check if sleeping on the sofa is allowed in your rental agreement - might invalidate the rental and you all get kicked out.....

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 06/10/2017 18:40

If someone extra is staying I think they should absolutely share with the person who has invited them along.

another20 · 06/10/2017 18:48

DrK - sounds like the 3 bed apartment is already full and the DM is sharing with one of the 6 original friends - so DD19 would have to go on the sofa .... which is a massive inconvenience for all - even DD who cant even retreat to a room to make herself scare...

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 06/10/2017 18:50

Oh I see. Well, Just be honest OP, it's usually best.

Gottalovesummer · 06/10/2017 18:57

I think it's less of an age gap issue and more to do with someone coming along who isn't invited!

I think it's incredibly rude.

Roussette · 06/10/2017 19:05

I'm with you OP. I'd bloody hate it and be mightily fizzed off.

When me and my close friends get together for a short hol (a small but very select group Grin) we talk about the past. This can be something along the lines of the funny story of the bloke I shagged before marriage who used to say ridiculous but hilarious things at 'the moment', right to the time me and bestF found ourselves part of an orgy but were laughing too much to participate!

Would I be relating all this in front of a DD of one of us? Nope. It would end up a very staid affair for me.

buckeejit · 06/10/2017 19:07

I'd probably be ok with it, can't imagine censoring my conversations when dc are old enough but understand some might be uncomfortable.

I'd send her a private message & say you don't want to hurt her feelings but want to be honest & would prefer her dd didn't come along as it will change things so much. Could you offer for friend & her dd to come & stay with you I'm your city for a couple of nights some other time if she needs a break?

GreenTulips · 06/10/2017 19:15

mightily fizzed off

LOL

tippz · 06/10/2017 19:24

@Theresamayscough

I know it’s fashionable for some mums to be ‘best friends’ with their adult offspring and thinks every other adult finds them amazing too but they really don’t.

Bit of a spiteful, churlish comment. You sound very jealous of women who get on well with their adult daughters........... Wink

Why does it bother you so much?

Nanny0gg · 06/10/2017 20:37

No it's not.

I get on well with my DC but I'm not their best friend and they're not mine.

I think the posters on this thread that wouldn't have a problem are the ones from the other thread who'd be happy if their adult children moved back home indefinitely.

Roussette · 06/10/2017 20:51

I get on well with my DC but I'm not their best friend and they're not mine

Agree

My DC's would think I'd lost the plot if I started calling them my best friend! I'm Mum not their BF and don't want to be

Thesecondtoast · 06/10/2017 21:20

My dd and I are close, talk about most things, drink together etc. No way would I invite her along to a holiday with girls, no way would she come!

Fishface77 · 06/10/2017 21:29

Op.
has she got a toddler?
Did she turn up to a hen night?

greendale17 · 06/10/2017 21:32

YANBU - how you act with friends, and then how you act when the ''kids' are around is different. It changes the dynamic as you say.

^This

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/10/2017 21:36

How is she going to get all her reading done while sleeping on a sofa bed in the living room of a villa with her mum's middle-aged friends?

I wouldn't have thought it the best environment for study.

Hefzi · 06/10/2017 21:50

Never mind the rest: Reading Week isn't half-term - it's for students to focus on getting on top of assigned reading, their self-identified additional reading and research, assignments and any other study-related work. It's not, no matter what the dimmer of our students affect to believe, a time for them to go on holiday Hmm

On these grounds alone, YANBU, OP Grin

Ontheboardwalk · 06/10/2017 21:57

Ask your friend for the extra cash for her daughter and tell her she'll have to share her room/bed with her daughter. Having anyone sleeping on the sofa in a communal space is a big no no.

Nanny0gg · 06/10/2017 22:27

Op. has she got a toddler? Did she turn up to a hen night?

Grin

When was the wedding?

another20 · 06/10/2017 22:33

Ask your friend for the extra cash for her daughter and tell her she'll have to share her room/bed with her daughter. Having anyone sleeping on the sofa in a communal space is a big no no.

The apartment is already full - DM already is sharing a room with one of the 6 - so not an option I doubt the squeeze a 3rd into a shared room...