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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be happy about friend's daughter joining our holiday

168 replies

user1485342611 · 06/10/2017 11:21

A group of us have arranged to go on holiday together. All female friends who have known each other for years. Now one of the group has asked if her 19 year old daughter can come too. Apparently the daughter had been due to go away for a couple of weeks in August with some Uni friends but it fell through for various reasons. Her mum 'feels sorry for her' because she didn't get a holiday she had been looking forward to so wants her to come along with us. Our holiday coincides with a 'reading week' from University apparently, so she will be free.

AIBU to think this is not on? She will completely change the dynamic, and none of us really even know her that well.

OP posts:

ItsNachoCheese · 07/10/2017 19:49

I wouldnt want to go away with my mums friends just like she wouldnt want to go away with mine. We are different ages and want different things from a holiday. Yanbu

ByStarlight · 07/10/2017 21:33

Reading the responses, this seems to be a very female cliquey issue.

My DH and his male friends often go away on the equivalent 'lads holiday abroad', and as most of the group are now late 40s, their sons have started reaching the post-18 age group. It's become something of a rite of passage for the sons of the guys to start joining these lads' holidays once they were over 18. All the guys enjoy having the boys joining, and the whole group often go out for nights out when at home.

DH also used to go down the pub with his own dad and his dad's mates when he himself was 18, and a few lads' weekends away to the coast in those days. For all the guys I knew as a teenager, going out with their dads and dads' mates for a few pints was seen as a cool thing to do. And now DH and his own mates like hanging out with the younger lads and all seem to have a good time, with many fun stories to tell when they get home.

So it seems that many women's friendship groups are based more on excluding others and maintaining the clique than on widening the social group and interacting across different generations.

squoosh · 07/10/2017 21:35

Oh if only we could be more like Da Ladz...

SelmaAndJubjub · 07/10/2017 21:51

So it seems that many women's friendship groups are based more on excluding others and maintaining the clique than on widening the social group and interacting across different generations

Wow. How much have you got to hate women to see a group of old friends wanting to spend time together as a clique that's based on excluding others - and a symptom of some sort of failing in everyone with an XX chromosome?

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 07/10/2017 22:12

YANBU. The majority don't want it so it doesn't happen, end of.

I had a similar thing except friend wanted to bring her bloody 6 year old! Thankfully a replacement (adult) was found for the space before she could fully try to coerce us into letting a 6 year old come away on an adult trip, because she wouldn't have let up. I hate it when people do things like this, whether it's a child or an adult, it's just not the same when you don't know someone. We all went on a hen weekend once and there were 3 different groups of people. The Hen was planning on mixing us all up over the 3 different accommodations because she thought it would be good, um, no, it wouldn't and thankfully she was told that we really didn't agree (funnily enough it's the same person who wanted to bring her 6 year old to something).

Textpectation · 07/10/2017 22:15

Yanbu

It's not cliquey or mean-spirited. I wouldn't want to go on holiday with an extra person staying in the couch.

I'd give up my place. What have you said so far? I'm sure I'd have I initially thought 'fuck, no' and said 'she's lovely but that doesn't work for me'.

My sisters did this, they have one ds and dd. They decided to make our get togethers a girls weekend and brought their dds; male gender types not invited. I went once, split the cost 4 ways between adults and supplemented four lovely but very greedy teenage nieces.

Nanny0gg · 07/10/2017 22:25

I don't care how old the extra person is. The point of the holiday is for a group of old friends with a shared history to get together. Someone not part of that will either be bored rigid by the Do You Remember stories or will mean that conversations will have to change to take account of a 'stranger'.

Not what the OP and her friends are going for,

Textpectation · 07/10/2017 22:30

Unplanned intergenerational get-togethers can fuck right off.

If I've arranged childcare and booked annual leave I want to do what was planned. If it's a more the merrier event then I'd rather know in advance.

As previous posters have said, it's fairly split down the middle as to where people sit.

TwoShades1 · 07/10/2017 22:33

I think it could be ok. I’m in my late twenties and have a very age range of friends from my hobby. Some are older than my mum and have children my age or older. But we all still get on well. I think it depends if the daughter is going to be happy with the holiday? I imagine a holiday with a group of 19 year old would be different to one with more middle aged women.

brasty · 07/10/2017 23:35

Its not her age that is the issue.

amusedbush · 08/10/2017 12:51

TwoShades1

Her age isn't the problem, it's the fact that she's a friend's daughter and could make everyone feel uncomfortable about sharing freely.

pallisers · 08/10/2017 14:46

So it seems that many women's friendship groups are based more on excluding others and maintaining the clique than on widening the social group and interacting across different generations.

Or maybe they are just based on -- being actual friends. Do you have any friends you like spending time with Bystarlight? or is it just a matter of whoever shows up and as long as there are intergenerational bums on seats on the weekend away or the visit to the pub then social life is fine? If that's what level of friendship you want, fine for you but many of us want something a bit closer and more intimate than that.

brasty · 08/10/2017 14:58

Yes I am exclusionary and cliquey. I like to spend time with people who are my actual friends and who I like.

squeaver · 09/10/2017 13:43

Would love to know what's been decided - any update, OP?

livefornaps · 09/10/2017 15:52

Bad idea all round

VegasJuice · 09/10/2017 15:58

You would be unreasonable to say yes and then resent it. But you would not be unreasonable to say no. Whether other people on here would be happy with it or not is irrelevant.

You're not happy (and that's absolutely fine - everyone is different) but you need to speak up before the daughter is included in the arrangements.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 10/10/2017 14:40

starlight
Based on your one example of a group of men who invite their adult offspring on lads' holidays you're prepared to contend that women tend to be cliquey and exclusionary and men are all great chums
Bollocks

rookiemere · 13/10/2017 12:21

Any update OP ?

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