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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy about friend's daughter joining our holiday

168 replies

user1485342611 · 06/10/2017 11:21

A group of us have arranged to go on holiday together. All female friends who have known each other for years. Now one of the group has asked if her 19 year old daughter can come too. Apparently the daughter had been due to go away for a couple of weeks in August with some Uni friends but it fell through for various reasons. Her mum 'feels sorry for her' because she didn't get a holiday she had been looking forward to so wants her to come along with us. Our holiday coincides with a 'reading week' from University apparently, so she will be free.

AIBU to think this is not on? She will completely change the dynamic, and none of us really even know her that well.

OP posts:
sinceyouask · 06/10/2017 12:59

I just don't get how you don't know her.

My friends know me. They do not know my dc well. Why on earth would they?

ohtheholidays · 06/10/2017 13:01

So 4 of the 6 of you that are going(you,2 of your friends and the friend they've told you about)don't want the Daughter to go?

You all need to speak up, the wants of one person doesn't outweigh the wants of you 4!

How does the 5th person feel about it all?
I know it would be a hard conversation to have and not one I'd look forward to having but I think you either tell her how you all feel now or you let it go and feel resentment at the least or at the worst it does spoil the holiday and you all end up feeling differently towards your friend.

It would be different if it was a night out that you all have often,so if it's not great you know there's another one just around the corner but not a holiday,a holiday usually means taking time of work,maybe sorting child care,lots of organising and money,so speak up or risk the holiday being ruined and relationships becoming strained!

SandyY2K · 06/10/2017 13:01

A friend did something similar one. She brought her 18 year old on our ladies night out. I found out mist uncomfortable to be honest and had to censor my conversation.

She thought it was fine because her daughter was now an adult.

shakingmyhead1 · 06/10/2017 13:02

apart from changing the dynamic of the group, its not like she will want to do the things the "older" ladies ( sorry i don't mean that in an offensive way just you are a generation older than her) have planned as im sure a 19 yr old will find "your" fun a tad dull (?) i know my 18 yr old hates going away with us doing family stuff as to her touristy shit, walks, museums etc are "boring"

So her coming along will really alter everything planned as she will feel left out ( being its not centered around her kind of fun) and having her sleep on the couch means no sitting up late chatting and giggling etc and quite possibly late starts in the mornings waitign for her to wake up etc

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/10/2017 13:05

Evening out, fine.
Week away on holiday, hmm.
I like to think I am sociable etc but would be looking for a way to say I wasn't happy about it.
NB Unless you go away lots together so 1 extra won't matter bec you can soon plan another trip.

Nanny0gg · 06/10/2017 13:08

So how many of you would be welcome on your 19 year-old's holiday with her friends?

Not many...

sweetbitter · 06/10/2017 13:13

It's a tough one.

I have some friends who are very much "the more the merrier" type and would hunk nothing of inviting/including anyone and everyone along to any social event.

Myself (and others I know) are much warier of dynamics becoming awkward or different when certain people or randoms are included, eg inviting a non-work friend to drinks with colleagues or a child along to an event with otherwise only adults.

I think it's partly because the former sort of person is IME often very socially 'able' and relaxed themselves - like because they can and do get on with lots of different people and never feel awkward, they don't understand that others aren't so able to relax with unknown people/outsiders.

AlpacaLypse · 06/10/2017 13:17

I love my dtds who are a very similar age. And I quite like (most) of their friends. And I quite like most of my friend's dds who are the same age group. But I go on holiday to get AWAY from finding teenagers comatose on the sofa and having to tiptoe round them! And to have gossippy prosecco fuelled giggling sessions in which all sorts of embarrassing stories that I would rather not share with dtds can be freely exchanged.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/10/2017 13:21

I'd do what 5rivers suggests. This is very unreasonable of your friend. Give her the option - daughter doesn't come or they both don't.

BriechonCheese · 06/10/2017 13:28

I'd hate that.
I would simply reply with "For sure! If she wants to buy my spot let me know."

HeebieJeebies456 · 06/10/2017 13:37

"No, that doesn't work for the rest of the group" is what i'd be saying to her.

Anyway, child should be at home studying during her 'reading' week and i'd say that to your friend.
Her child can go without a holiday, it won't kill her or damage her for life.

Don't feel guilty because you want to insist on the original child-free holiday.
Tell her 'NO'.

Oblomov17 · 06/10/2017 13:48

I wouldn’t like this. It would change the dynamics of the group.

Original poster
user1485342611 · 06/10/2017 14:30

To the poster who doesn't understand how we don't know the daughter: we don't all live in the same city so, once the kids got beyond an age where they had to be brought everywhere, our meet ups changed and drifted into adult only affairs (with none of the kids until now expressing the slightest interest in joining us). So, since this girl was about 12 I have seen her properly a couple of times at weddings etc but that's about it. Anytime I've been in my friend's house in the last few years the daughter has either not been there, upstairs studying and just came down for a minute to say 'hello', or was rushing out somewhere.

I find, with most of my friends, you tend to see less and less of their children as they get older.

OP posts:
honeybeetheoneandonly · 06/10/2017 14:37

Do you meet up regularly? Arrange for a catch up with the group and invite her DD to come along to get to meet you and vice versa.
Be your usual selves and see if she fits in, positively surprising you all or just sits there wanting the floor to swallow her up. Make a decision about the holiday after that.

Guardsman18 · 06/10/2017 16:01

We had this once - not a holiday, but a night out. Someone new to our group wanted to invite her father ffs! Now, only one of the others had met him and apparently he's a very charming 80 year old but.... I mean!
What my friend did was sort of say something on the lines of ' I think you ought to ask the other people going as well and see if they're ok with it' Very awkward for her! Sleeping on the sofa - No!

SunnyCoco · 06/10/2017 16:04

I'm with you OP , I would not be cool with it

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2017 16:06

Personally, I wouldn't mind. She is an adult and might end up doing her own thing anyway. It's not like a child who can change the dynamics of the group.

Ttbb · 06/10/2017 16:08

Tbh I doubt that the girl would enjoy herself anyway. Just say no. You're allowed to.

cornerstoned · 06/10/2017 16:12

I dont see the issue.she is 19 not 9 and will probably do her own things most of the time anyways. I would not mind at all

StatueInTheSky · 06/10/2017 16:15

just re-jig the costs

mother will be expecting her dd to tag along for free, the minute you mention "extra" to be paid for the dd's share the mother will drop the idea quicker than you can say "£175 plus drinks kitty"

chocatoo · 06/10/2017 16:20

I wouldn't want it - it would seriously inhibit what I felt that I could say or do!

ArcheryAnnie · 06/10/2017 16:24

I'd be Ok with it, as long as the DD was counted as the extra adult she is, and included fully in the costs as well as the holiday. (Ie if you have all paid a sixth, and a seventh arrives, that seventh person owes each of the six of you a slice of money.)

squeaver · 06/10/2017 16:29

Here are the problems:

19 year olds and 40-plus year olds have little in common.

19 year olds do not want to do the things 40-plus year olds want to do (and vice versa).

You will not want to have the conversations that you would usually have without her there.

All of the above is bad enough if you actually know the 19 year old in question. You don't know her.

What's happening about the costs? if she's not contributing then that's just not fair.

The sleeping on the sofa thing is an absolute pain in the arse. Even if she does her own thing, she is 19 and is not likely to get up before noon.

What 19 year old, in their right mind, would want to go on holiday with their mother's friends?

Do not let politeness get in the way of telling your friend what (it sounds like) you all think. Approach it in a light-hearted way ('have you really thought this through....?'). Surely if she spends a bit of time thinking about it, she'll see it the same way you do.

stargazer2030 · 06/10/2017 16:31

I would be okay with it. She is an adult after all. I have kids this age (and so do friends) and have a good laugh with them. I can see why her mum wants to invite her. I would expect her to pay her share though.
You are in a bit of a catch 22 as if you say no then it will potentially change your relationship with your friend anyway as she may back out or think you are being unfair.

CoyoteCafe · 06/10/2017 16:32

I cannot relate to some of the comments here, such as this,
"You can't joke about some things or have a lighthearted moan about your kids."

Why not? She's 19, she's knows all the bad words and all about sex. Not only is she not a child, she may also feel that actual children are a bit of a PITA.

I don't understand the need of more mature women to be less of themselves around younger women. Around children, yes, I get that. But around a young adult, no I really don't.

To me, it wouldn't be a huge deal, but my youngest is 19 and I quite enjoy my young adult offspring, their peers, and my friends' young adult offspring. It's such a dynamic time in life.

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