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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy about friend's daughter joining our holiday

168 replies

user1485342611 · 06/10/2017 11:21

A group of us have arranged to go on holiday together. All female friends who have known each other for years. Now one of the group has asked if her 19 year old daughter can come too. Apparently the daughter had been due to go away for a couple of weeks in August with some Uni friends but it fell through for various reasons. Her mum 'feels sorry for her' because she didn't get a holiday she had been looking forward to so wants her to come along with us. Our holiday coincides with a 'reading week' from University apparently, so she will be free.

AIBU to think this is not on? She will completely change the dynamic, and none of us really even know her that well.

OP posts:
AnotherShirtRuined · 06/10/2017 22:37

Nanny0gg I believe the wedding was a couple of weeks ago. Toddzilla attended without toddler. No drama as she left early

Fishface77 · 06/10/2017 22:42

Ooh thanks another shirt! I missed that update!

Ontheboardwalk · 06/10/2017 22:49

another I missed that bit as well. 3 in a bed ain't going to happen then.

There's a time and place for older children to go out with mum and friends. I've been on some enjoyable nights out with friends daughters.

A mum's friends holiday is not one of those occasions. Please say something before it gets too late

Jammydodger81 · 06/10/2017 23:12

I missed the update too Another

You're pretty much doing us a public service now Wink

Jaxhog · 06/10/2017 23:25

If there's nowhere for her to sleep other than the sofa, I'd say it was a definite no. That alone will potentially spoil the holiday. Not sure why she'd want to come anyway.

SandyY2K · 07/10/2017 00:05

I'm in my 40s. I talk about sex with female friends....doesn't mean I would with my mum and her friends.

Friends and parent/adult child dont always mix...especially on holiday.

It changes the dynamic.

It's not great parenting talking about your sexual escapades with your child there. ..... these things come up at times when ladies get together... I might want to talk about an incident with an Ex BF... I'm not going to do that with my daughter or anyone elses daughter there.

ArcheryAnnie · 07/10/2017 01:19

Ah, just seen she will be on the sofa. That's a hard no from me, then.

mmgirish · 07/10/2017 02:25

That would be a no from me too. What if some of you fancy drinking wine to the wee hours on the sofa?

another20 · 07/10/2017 10:43

OP just wondered why YOU have all the responsibility for this uncomfortable call? Did you organise the holiday? Are you her closest friend? Did she just ask you - or did she ask you all simultaneously as a group?

5rivers7hills · 07/10/2017 10:48

Never mind the rest: Reading Week isn't half-term - it's for students to focus on getting on top of assigned reading, their self-identified additional reading and research, assignments and any other study-related work. It's not, no matter what the dimmer of our students affect to believe, a time for them to go on holiday

Ha ha ha I always went on holiday in reading week. Got a first so can’t have been that detrimental!

WomblingThree · 07/10/2017 12:46

I’m slightly bemused at what you are going to get up to that you can’t do with a 19 year old woman there. She’s not a child that needs shielding from life ffs.

Maybe people should look at their own behaviour if they think it’s unsuitable. Why one earth do grown women need to discuss sex and moan about their kids anyway? Isn’t there anything more interesting to do. I’m not my daughter’s best friend, but neither am I a cliquey bitch who would exclude her. Thankfully my friends treat their adult offspring the same.

Jiggler · 07/10/2017 12:51

'Cliquey bitch'

Oh dear, some people do like to get very het up and ummm, bitchy.

MyLittleDragon · 07/10/2017 12:56

Wombling - it's a friends holiday not a family holiday. Would you say exactly the same things to your mum/niece/daughter as you would in a group of your closest female friends? The daughter can't be an independent member of the group in this dynamic because she shares a totally different relationship with the rest of the group.

The Mum can take her dd on a different holiday or the dd can sort out her USB alternative. That's life, sometimes holidays don't with out. She's an adult at uni, the op and other friends shouldn't need to fix her holiday issues.

As fur "why on earth do grown women like to discuss sex and moan about their dcs etc"... because why not?! Why shouldn't they? Because it's fun and lighthearted or alternatively, because friends can help you see things from a different perspective or share ideas.

MyLittleDragon · 07/10/2017 12:57

*own not usb

pallisers · 07/10/2017 13:00

I’m not my daughter’s best friend, but neither am I a cliquey bitch who would exclude her.]

well you might not be cliquey ...
Also love the sneer about what women discuss.

If I had known that having children meant I had to include them in every holiday I took with my friends when they were adult (or be accused of being a cliquey bitch) I might have reconsidered the entire thing :)

RhiWrites · 07/10/2017 13:00

I always found it a bit weird when my friends brought their mums along to any event.

I guess I now have to prepare myself for them bringing their adult children some day.

It's not as if you're all a big family like group. Tell her no.

Why would daughter even want to come?

BananasAreGood · 07/10/2017 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 07/10/2017 13:16

100% no no no, even for the couch alone, who the hell wants to be creeping past a sleeping teenager, moving their shit around the living room and feeling like you can boil the kettle without waking her

"No xx sorry that won't work, besides the fact it changes the dynamic there is just no way anyone is taking over the sofa to sleep"

rookiemere · 07/10/2017 13:20

Well I have to say on my "ladies of a certain age" holidays away, we're not discussing sex, vaginal dryness or anything of that nature. We might chortle a bit about how we find most places hot these days, but that's as far as it goes on discussions of a personal nature.

Still wouldn't want to go if DF was bringing their grown up DC along.

Maelstrop · 07/10/2017 13:43

YANBU. You don't know her, it will change the dynamic. As for sleeping on the couch, that ,Evans you'll all be forced to troop off to bed so she can get on the couch, so no late night partying. I'd be telling her you aren't happy with it.

Roussette · 07/10/2017 14:39

Maybe people should look at their own behaviour if they think it’s unsuitable

What's unsuitable about having a laugh with lifelong friends, drinking a tad too much, being a bit raucous? I might watch what I say and do with people I barely know at a party, but with lifelong friends, we let our hair down and have a blast. If sex comes up we talk about it not that it particularly does but when you've got a shared history with friends, it'd be damn boring to have to watch what you say. If that's errrrrr 'unsuitable', I'm all for it! Grin

brasty · 07/10/2017 15:05

I would say no. The villa is full. Having someone sleep on the sofa will cause problems for early wakers and for those who want to go to bed late. Totally unfair.

I am in my mid fifties. We talk about all sorts, including sex, relationships and the meno pause. If there was a spare bed, I would be saying fine as long as your DD doesn't mind whatever we talk about. I would not modify the conversation at all.

And it is not cliquey to notice that group dynamics matter. It is a sign of social intelligence.

kath6144 · 07/10/2017 16:07

Op, as someone else pointed out, if the apartment is only for 6 then you cannot exceed that, else it will invalidate the rental agreement and maybe things like insurance.

I meet up with uni friends once or twice a year, usually a night in a hotel, it definitely wouldn't be the same if any of our teenage daughters were there too. Would change dynamic and make things less comfortable.

I did however ask 2 uni friends if they wanted to meet DD and I for meal and theatre when in London a couple of years ago. But it was a different scenario, it was a break for DD and I and their choice whether to meet us or not. One is DDs godmother, she came for both, the other just joined us for lunch.

I think you just need to say no, it wouldn't be the same, and stick to it. 19yo should be able to make holiday plans on their own, if she wants to go away that week, let her arrange it with one of her uni friends!

WomblingThree · 07/10/2017 17:59

@Roussette that’s my point though - I can’t see myself not doing any of what you describe around my adult daughter. Or any of my friends’ adult daughters.

Roussette · 07/10/2017 19:43

Wombling me and DCs talk about lots but I can't imagine being with a group of lifelong girlfriends and them wanting to listen to us! Maybe it's because I was not a young Mum or something....dunno...

Me and girlfriends spend time together with our grown up kids and we have a great time ... meal out, night in etc... but a specially arranged girlfriend holiday with added kids wouldn't work for me. We're all different Smile