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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy about friend's daughter joining our holiday

168 replies

user1485342611 · 06/10/2017 11:21

A group of us have arranged to go on holiday together. All female friends who have known each other for years. Now one of the group has asked if her 19 year old daughter can come too. Apparently the daughter had been due to go away for a couple of weeks in August with some Uni friends but it fell through for various reasons. Her mum 'feels sorry for her' because she didn't get a holiday she had been looking forward to so wants her to come along with us. Our holiday coincides with a 'reading week' from University apparently, so she will be free.

AIBU to think this is not on? She will completely change the dynamic, and none of us really even know her that well.

OP posts:
tippz · 06/10/2017 16:34

You are within your rights to be a bit irked, but I have to admit, it wouldn't bother me.

Do you not want her to see what a bunch of raving pissheads you all are? Grin

LoL Joking! Smile

BriechonCheese · 06/10/2017 16:34

Coyote
I wouldn't moan about my child in front of a child from the same social circle. Equally I wouldn't talk about my sex life or relationship to anyone but a very select group of people and that doesn't include a 19 year old DD of a friend nor her 36yo friend from work. I don't think it is necessarily about having someone from a younger generation but more not a close friend.

DemonBaby · 06/10/2017 16:35

I think you're being mean TBH.

Mittens1969 · 06/10/2017 16:35

Has the friend even asked her DD yet? I think there’s a good chance she’d say no anyway. I wouldn’t have wanted to go away with my DM and a group of her friends when I was 19. (My DM tends to make holidays stressful for me but that’s another thread.)

If your friend has already asked her DD and she wants to come, it depends on how much you all want her to come on the holiday. If she’s adamant that her DD should have a holiday there’s the possibility that she’ll pull out and go on a separate mother and daughter holiday.

I do agree that it isn’t a great idea, especially the idea of her sleeping on the sofa.

another20 · 06/10/2017 16:36

I bet the DD doesnt even want to go - maybe the DM is the only one who thinks it is a good idea.

If all the others have reservations you need to feed this back - so that it isn't seen to come from you alone so YA - ALL - NBU.

Democracy wins. If she is pissed off with the answer to her Q then that is her prob - she needs to respect the answer she is given, respect the plans as they were made and the wishes / perspective of the rest of the
group as these trump hers.

These female holidays are a therapeutic God send after years and years of child rearing and sometimes shitty marriages. Dont let this be taken away from you and the rest of the group. It is not the only opportunity that a Uni student has to go on holiday in the year (with 5 months off! not including the reading week) - but might be for you and your friends.

Just say something diplomatic like "Have had a quick poll of the group and unanimously they would rather not as someone sleeping the the lounge is appropriate and it will change the dynamic - nothing personal to your or DD." leave it at that - she might not have even asked the DD yet.

rookiemere · 06/10/2017 16:36

I wouldn't want her to come and I don't care how curmudgeonly that makes me sound. It's your ladies holiday away from family and responsibilities - someone bringing their DD along completely changes the dynamic.

cingolimama · 06/10/2017 16:36

As pp's have said, the sleeping in the living room thing is a huge NO. Terrible idea. I have, as it happens, gone away with friends and one of them brought their 20 year old DD, but that was because she had a specific interest in the area and it was applicable to what she was studying. She slept in her mum's room. We hardly saw her, and when we did, she was totally charming.

But in this situation? Er, no.

yorkshireyummymummy · 06/10/2017 16:41

Oh God. I would hate it. Totally changes the group dynamics and there's only the mother who will feel relaxed with her. I wouldn't be able to ' be myself' if there was a 19 year old thrown into the mix. Never mind the fact that there's no room for her.
Check the t's & c's of your accomodation. Unless it's a sofa bed I think you may find that you are not allowed extra people which gives you all an easy way of saying NO.
If not, then one of you has to tactfully and kindly say that you feel it won't work, and you all want it just to be the original six.
I'm more amazed that a 19 year old wants to go on holiday with her mum and her mates. I couldn't have thought of anything worse at 19.

GoodMorning1 · 06/10/2017 16:43

Reading weeks are for uni-related reading, not for holidays.

ShellyBoobs · 06/10/2017 16:48

YANBU.

I would drop out myself if she's insistent on her dd coming.

problembottom · 06/10/2017 16:50

To me it sounds like a bloody awful idea, compounded by the sleeping on the couch situation. Maybe the 40-somethings don't want a dynamic young adult pepping them up on this getaway, maybe they just want to get sloshed and reminisce and put the world to rights.

another20 · 06/10/2017 16:59

Doesnt matter that PP have said 'it wouldnt bother ME" - you have polled the group and they all have reservations - there's your answer.

Agree with PP who said dont let politeness ruin your holiday (and the run up looking forward to it).

Also remember that your friend is looking for a yes or no answer - otherwise she would have told you she was taking her.

Deal with it neatly, swiftly (on the phone) and soon so that you can get back to looking forward to the trip.

Agree with PP that you might not be able to add people.

MaisyPops · 06/10/2017 17:00

YANBU
It's a friends holiday and you dont really know thr daughter. Having her there changes the dynamic.

rookiemere · 06/10/2017 17:01

Just read about the sleeping on the couch as well.
Just no.

You don't want a miserable 19 year old with all her belongings strewn across the living room, making it effectively out of use for all the paying adults. You definitely don't want someone there who doesn't do or pay her share.

The thing I like most about my friend only holidays is the lovely equilibrium, the delicious sense of everyone knowing what's fair and not having to remind others to do or pay their share. Also we're of an age where we're quite happy to toddle back to the apartment in the evening after our meal. It's the one time of the year where we get to put ourselves totally first. No way would I be entertaining peoples DCs coming along.

CoyoteCafe · 06/10/2017 17:08

@BriechonCheese -- that makes sense. It's more about the level of the friendship than about the age.

MsHarry · 06/10/2017 17:13

Depends on what she is like. If she is likely to change her mum's attitude/behaviour and sit quietly, not joining in , it could be a little of a damper but if she's a bubbly type it would be fine. Surprised she wants to go, my 17 yr old DD would run a mile!

rookiemere · 06/10/2017 17:17

Sorry to quote you Itchyfoot but this It's not like she's bringing a toddler. I often hang out with my mum's friends. Especially if there's gin. kind of encapsulates it.

I don't want to be providing free booze and be entertained by my friends adult DC on my holiday, whilst perching in the kitchen because the living room has been commandeered by her ( but still presumably paying the same price for the holiday).

deadringer · 06/10/2017 17:20

Yanbu. I would hate to be saddled with someone else's dd of any age on holiday with the girls, it would change the dynamic of the trip as pp have said. If I am leaving my dc at home so can they.

PurpleMinionMummy · 06/10/2017 17:21

It wouldn't bother me. Me and my friends used to meet up with my mum and her friends in the pub quite often at 19 though so maybe that's why I don't see it as an issue.

Andylion · 06/10/2017 17:21

You are in a bit of a catch 22 as if you say no then it will potentially change your relationship with your friend anyway as she may back out or think you are being unfair.

But it's the friend's request that is responsible for any change in relationship.

OP, where does it stand now? Have any of you replied to her request yet?

another20 · 06/10/2017 17:23

They dont know what she is like, or the real dynamic between mother and daughter - their well planned and looked forward to holiday is not the time or the place to be assessing this or worrying about who pays for what etc - tedious and time-consuming.....they all have greater priorities ie to get stuck in to having a fab, distraction free holiday, asap.

Put in the call now 'have spoken to girls, nothing personal, but it's not a goer"

Mittens1969 · 06/10/2017 17:27

It’s quite likely the DD doesn’t want to go, I’m intrigued to know whether your friend has even asked her yet.

parkermoppy · 06/10/2017 17:27

Hmm I would say YANBU, i can see both sides of this but personally I wouldn't want to tag along on my mums holiday, it would change dynamic.

Even if my mum is having drinks with her friends I'd maybe pop by and say hi for half an hour but a whole holiday would be strange.

Theresamayscough · 06/10/2017 17:28

Meeting up with friends and adult dds for a night out in the pub is fine, this is a holiday totally different.

although kids teens and I get on great but we have out own lives And friends.

You don’t really know this girl so it’s really rude of your friend to try and foist her onto a holiday group of close friends. And very cheeky.

I know it’s fashionablr for some mums to be ‘best friends’ with their adult offspring and thinks every other adult finds them amazing too but they really don’t.

SuburbanRhonda · 06/10/2017 17:28

Me and my friends used to meet up with my mum and her friends in the pub quite often at 19

It's not a night out in the pub though. It's a week's holiday.