lending ds money for mortgage deposit - and pregnancy - wwyd?

[mymorningbeautyroutine]

WWYD in this situation?

My 25yo son lives with his gf. They’ve been together 2 years and are getting married next May. His gf has a 4yo ds from a previous relationship. My ds has parental responsibility for him.

DS and gf went to look at some houses in the summer, found one they liked, put in an offer, applied for a mortgage.

Then 2 weeks ago ds drops a bombshell - his gf is pregnant. Baby is due next June - so they’re probably going to postpone their wedding.
This also puts into jeopardy their house buying as his gf won’t be able to work and then will have maternity leave. She’s not working at the moment.

DS told us last night that their mortgage has been turned down because the mortgage company isn’t happy that they have enough money coming in to pay the mortgage.

DS dropped hints about us lending them money for a bigger deposit. DH and I had been thinking about this, but now that ds’s gf is pregnant, we feel, why should we? We had to wait to save up to get married and have a baby – why are they trying to do everything at once??

DS’s attitude to his gf’s pregnancy is really odd too – he keeps saying things like ‘it’s a big surprise, we weren’t expecting to get pg’, but his gf has been posting on FB for months saying that they’re ttc! And really, if you have unprotected sex then you must know there’s a risk of getting pg…

I think he’s been really careless/blasé about this huge decision, and that they should have waited.

So, are we being mean by not lending them money? WWYD?

No. Not unreasonable. It's completely up to you what you give them. I do think that propping them up now would be dangerous. Long term it would be much better for them to face and deal with their own life and lifestyle now and when they have both grown up a bit and learned what is now expected of them to run their family, make the gift then.

I think you shouldn't lend them money for a deposit on a house you suspect they can't pay the mortgage on, as that's madness (and helping them to fall into a massive trap). I am surprised at how judgemental you're being though - you're essentially withholding the money on moral grounds. That's your right - it's your money - but is that the relationship you want to have with your son and the mother of your grandchild? How well do you think trying to punish them for something you think is irresponsible is going to work? It's not going to stop her being pregnant, but it might damage their relationship with you.

I also don't quite understand the point about writing on Facebook about TTC - have you only just seen this? If not, why didn't you say something when she first posted (so before she got pregnant!) since you feel so strongly that this is a bad idea?

I would not do it. They chose not to save up their own deposit. They're adults. Let them deal with their own decisions and actions.

You do sound pretty judgemental.

Give them the money, or don't- but please try to remember that as a general rule, it's far harder for young people to save enough money to have a baby, get married AND get in the property ladder then it might have been in your generation.

I would help them if you can afford it and they can afford the repayments. I'd want my grandchild to have a secure home and not punish them because you disapprove of your son's choices.

The op isn't saying the baby isnt a good idea she just doesn't want to lend them the deposit.

I personally wouldn't lend them the money.
If they don't have enough to pay a mortgage now, a bigger deposit will only make a smallish difference to monthly payments.

Has she worked since 4 year old was born?

I wouldn’t give them any money for a bigger deposit. It’s their problem. He’s obviously pretending it’s a shock to you to try to get money.

Don't do it. You are right. They want everything at once. They will have to rent like many millions do. You will never see the money again if you lend it either, I'd bet.

Hmm difficult one. Are you able to offer financial support to your ds whilst still being comfortable yourself or would it be a struggle for you?

If the latter then I think withholding financial help is perfectly reasonable, but if you are in a good position financially and this would have no detrimental affects on your own circumstances then I think in your position I would offer to help.

Were they paying for their own wedding or were you helping out with that? It sounds like they have saved the initial deposit themselves, which in this current climate is no mean feat, we wouldn't have got on the property ladder without parental help but it was a loan, not a gift and we are paying my parents back in a monthly standing order. Could you agree something similar?

In regards to the baby, may be they had reason to think conceiving would be difficult for them, so although trying, they didn't think it would happen at this time? That was certainly the case for me, unprotected sex for 4 years, convinced we'd never have a family and then out of the blue I was pg.
Hope you can come to a decision you're happy with.

Can you afford to not get the deposit money back? There is a reason the mortgage has fallen through the company do think they will be able to make the payments, there is no reason this will be different for you, in fact they are less likely to pay you back than a bank! If you can afford it then it’s up to you if you think that’s right but before the moral issues I would think about finance

I would if I had the money to lend. This is about supporting your son and grandson/daughter.

I wouldn't unless I was willing to risk them separating and DS's girlfriend potentially remaining in the house purchased with your deposit, whilst he has to leave. It seems odd that she's posting about TTC while he seems unaware that they were trying for a baby.

I wouldnt. No chance. Biggest reason of all being the GF doesnt work.

I mean re the GF, so she has your son financially supporting her child from a previous relationship whilst not working herself, and now expects to get a house with his mortgage payments and your deposit money? LOL!!!!!

You would have to gift the deposit for it to make the difference to the mortgage offer. In that you would have to sign something for thebank to say it was a gift.
Even if you privately agreed it was a loan.

If they can’t afford the mortgage he can’t afford it. No need for you to prop up his bad decisions or his gf being a stahm when they clearly can’t afford it. Either Ignore the hints or tell him the money available is fixed and he should wait until after the baby is born when his gf can work.

No I wouldn't loan money to them but that's irrespective of the pregnancy. I don't think your thoughts on whether they should be having a baby or not should come into that.

Lending large sums of money carries the obvious risk that it won't be paid back (possibly because the person can't afford to repay, possibly because they don't feel it's a priority to repay). If you can afford to gift them some money and you want to do that, then fine. Otherwise, be clear that money from you and DH is not on the cards.

I think it can be hard to strike the right balance between support and propping them up. My parents have helped all of us to varying degrees and depending on need and affordability at the time but one sibling was always in need, generally due to poor choices. It turned into a very dependent situation. Sibling and partner began to take it very much for granted that they would be bailed out and became even less responsible about financial decisions, lifestyle decisions etc. If I were to start a thread about them I'd be accused of lying, trolling etc due to some of the carry on over the years! They are a very extreme example mind you but it's taught me that allowing a dpendent situation develop can be very damaging in families.

No I wouldn't lend them the deposit.

• Firstly, at the start a bigger deposit is really only going to shave a small bit off monthly payments. If their finances are precarious, you're effectively risking far more cash but not necessarily providing a much bigger safety net for it really. It might be a far far better idea for them to hold back and rent until gf can go back part time. They could very well end up better off in the long run. You also don't know how things will go with them. Two years isn't a massively long time and a baby is a real upheaval. They may split. They may change their ideas on where they want to live. She may want to SAHM. They may decide to go for it and have another one and get the baby days out of the way.

• Secondly, your DS is not sounding particularly trustworthy here. Dropping hints for more money is a pretty unattractive trait and flags up that he still sees you as provider mum and dad. He's also dropping the comments about the baby being a 'surprise' as he thinks it sounds better, that actively ttc in their position is a bit irresponsible so he's trying to make it sound better to you - lie, in other words. So, red flags a bit. In a year, will it be comments about just how much on the breadline they are and how difficult it will be to pay you back... while you can see from FB that they're buying expensive kit and going on holiday? It sounds as if he expects the cash from you. So unless you have a cast-iron agreement on repayments, I honestly think in his head he doesn't really expect to pay it back. If he did, he'd be a lot more thoughtful about asking for a bigger loan (ie a bigger debt hainging over him).

So again - I'd wait.

I rent privately with kids its fucking shit.
You can't decorate your kids room, you can't put pictures up, you can't have pets. You don't know if your going to be priced out of an area so your child might start school and have to leave part way through a term or year because your landlord has decided to sell up.
You dont know if your child will be able to go to secondary with their friends, if theres any point them starting guides / scouts / clubs as they settle in you might have to move them at someone else whim.
Even if theres any point planting that flower in the garden as your probably won't be there to see it grow. The constant inspections and concern about moving is crap. If your there a year and you move onto a rolling tenancy you get 8 weeks notice to move. Our last move we had to do in a month. Imagine that, packing up everything the stress of sorting it all out. In a month. Its all consuming, you can't buy the sofa you want as it might not fit the next house, you can't buy the big trampoline as it might not fit the next house. You just live this half existence of wanting to do stuff but you can't.
Its fucking shit
Pease don't put your son and grandchild through this shit . By all means tie it up with solicitors, so your deposit is protected, but if i could stop my child going through what we do i would in a heart beat.

The way a mortgage would work for us due to house prices is our deposit would need to match the mortgage amount due to the income to loan value. So we have no hope of saving the deposit as it is so unattainable. But we are trying!

Options for us, are to move far away and by that i mean 4-5 hours away. So thats something to consider, would you sooner keep them near?
My parents are getting on now, so i want to be there to help them but i can't afford to be within an hour or two of renting or 4 hours buying.

Im an hour or two away but i try for my children to see their grandparents as much as possible, i wish they would see them more though to build a better relationship. So we see them 5/6 times a year
Something else to consider?

No way, no. They need to work their way through this as adults

My in laws sound like you. Thankfully I have always earnt more than enough to pay my own way but I was really shocked at the lack of financial support that came my now dh's way when he was 25 and I was pregnant.

As it happened I had always been a saver so my money enabled us to buy (in my name) a 3 bed house in a really nice area and as I worked I had a good mat leave package.

They didn't know anything about my financial circumstances though and despite being in a position where they could have helped substantially never offered either money or time. No help with the actual move. No offers of help with the assembly of all the ikea furniture.

My mum bought practically everything for the baby including buggy etc and my older and frailer parents helped us move and clean the house when we moved in.

My mil offered to buy the Moses basket but the basket never arrived so I bought my own. She then turned up when our daughter was born with a jelly cat toy and an outfit from monsoon expecting tea and cake and doing nothing to help.

Fast forward 10 years and they are still the same. Very little practical or emotional support but a desire to be involved in all the nice fun things. So whilst the both seem very nice I don't like either of them very much as I don't think they have ever really helped my husband, including teaching him a lot of life skills.

Normal parents that can afford to help do. Why would you not? To teach your offspring a lesson? I'm glad my parents weren't like you.

Baby is due in June? So she's about a week pregnant?!

I would give it to them if I could afford to and I would also be advising them to marry sooner rather than later especially when they have children and financial arrangements together. There are no automatic 'rights' for either of them if something happens before they marry. They'll have to have a smaller wedding and a better house