lending ds money for mortgage deposit - and pregnancy - wwyd?

[mymorningbeautyroutine]

WWYD in this situation?

My 25yo son lives with his gf. They’ve been together 2 years and are getting married next May. His gf has a 4yo ds from a previous relationship. My ds has parental responsibility for him.

DS and gf went to look at some houses in the summer, found one they liked, put in an offer, applied for a mortgage.

Then 2 weeks ago ds drops a bombshell - his gf is pregnant. Baby is due next June - so they’re probably going to postpone their wedding.
This also puts into jeopardy their house buying as his gf won’t be able to work and then will have maternity leave. She’s not working at the moment.

DS told us last night that their mortgage has been turned down because the mortgage company isn’t happy that they have enough money coming in to pay the mortgage.

DS dropped hints about us lending them money for a bigger deposit. DH and I had been thinking about this, but now that ds’s gf is pregnant, we feel, why should we? We had to wait to save up to get married and have a baby – why are they trying to do everything at once??

DS’s attitude to his gf’s pregnancy is really odd too – he keeps saying things like ‘it’s a big surprise, we weren’t expecting to get pg’, but his gf has been posting on FB for months saying that they’re ttc! And really, if you have unprotected sex then you must know there’s a risk of getting pg…

I think he’s been really careless/blasé about this huge decision, and that they should have waited.

So, are we being mean by not lending them money? WWYD?

Oh hell no!

"Today 10:05 Witchend

Do you have other dc that might say "well in that case why don't I get the same?""

Sorry but that's a silly attitude, nobody is entitled to their parents' money, giving a certain amount to one doesn't mean they're mandated to give the same to the other. It depends on many more factors such as need, how hard working the kids are, how responsible they are and what their life stages are. When my mum sold her house before she died she gave my brother 20k to buy a house as he was much older and settled in his career, and me 2k for my first car and lessons and insurance (as I was only a teenager and that was my need at that time). Never for a second have I thought I got the short end of the stick: I didn't and couldn't have bought a house at that time but a car was a necessity I couldn't have afforded alone. I was massively grateful for such a generous gift and neither of us felt we were entitled to a penny so we're thankful for what we got! can't stand this idea people have of being entitled to money from their parents.

And OP, yeah don't give them money. Your son sounds like a mug to already be on the hook supporting a lazy 21 year old who hasn't worked and has already got kids with another man, what is he thinking?! Call me a cynic but given how early 'pregnant' she is, I personally reckon that they're lying. It's just too convenient. And too early for them to be telling people. She must barely have missed a period, I don't buy it at all. Given that he's cheeky enough to ask for money in the first place, I think that they're lying about it to play in your heartstrings about your grandchild and give them money. If you do it she'll conveniently lose the baby I think, and then get PG asap now she's landed on her feet being supported by anyone but herself. The whole thing is a shitshow and neither of them are responsible enough or making good enough decisions to be given a mortgage!

burninghigh

"Different if the op is on the breadline but I suspect she is not. Like my inlaws who waste their money in Waitrose and the like. Their decision (and I can afford to shop there myself) but I judge them for that (and spending £1000's of inheritance from my dh's grandfather on shit they didn't need when my sister in law (their daughter) was never able to get out of rented accommodation."

Just wow. I judge you massively for thinking that you have any right at all to say your inlaws spent THEIR money inappropriately and that they somehow let their child down by not giving her money for a mortgage. The entitlement is sickening. What happened to people taking pride in standing on their own two feet?

You could buy the property jointly with them, that way it would be an investment of your money not a loss to you.
Otherwise don't do it. Most people their age don't own property; they have a while to get there.
It might be changing times, but my parents were 100% responsible for me, they didn't expect anything from my grandparents, money or childcarewise, and I don't expect anything from them for my daughter, except the fun stuff. Grandparenting should be fun, not a financial responsibility.
If you want to contribute pay for the stuff that will make a difference to the kid that they can't afford, like quality shoes or a warm winter coat. Don't upgrade their lifestyle with the child as an excuse.

Op how long have they been together?

I'd want then to be more secure altogether. Both settled in jobs and earning a regular wage to pay the mortgage, unless they're expecting you to buy outright?!

I'd probably put it to them in 3 years I'd give them the money if they're in the position to keep the house.

Never lend more than you can afford to lose.
Tell your DS you'd like to help him in the future but right now you can't.
You'd need to gift a very substantial amount to lower the mortgage to an amount the mortgagee feels is affordable for your DS.
Having children is very stressful on relationships -- wait to see if they can both hack it as a couple, that the pregnancy does result in a baby, that they both make an effort to save and economise towards a deposit.
Then in 5 or so years re-evaluate the situation.
You are not being mean -- you are enabling your DS to grow up and take responsibility as a father, DDIL to show she is mature enough to want to contribute towards buying a house and that she's not just after a free ride.
If it all goes to custard you may find that your DS requires further support, anyway.
Good luck

We were married for 9 years and on our third house with secure jobs before we even considered that we could afford to support a child. Yes, dh had used an inheritance from a grandparent towards his deposit for his first house, but no parental help was forthcoming, nor should it have been.

I wouldn't be inclined to help here. They need to decide their priorities, and the gf needs to get a job.

Guaranteed in 5 years time she'll be living alone in the house you coughed up for.

And this.

I feel like my suggestion was lost in my post. But i think its a very valid one and the more i think about it the more I think its your solution.

Buy a small flat to rent out with your son, not for them to live in. A few years down the line you sell the flat, that will give him the deposit and leg up onto the property ladder without trying to jump in at the top with a family home. It also means it gives you (and them) a few years to see how the relationship goes, you can then gift or keep your half of the profit depending on your circumstances and feelings at the time.
You are helping him to help himself. So its a win win

She sounds like a sponger and it sounds like your DS is learning her tricks and trying them on you. I wouldn't give them anything, he can buck his ideas up and sort himself and his family out and it leech off you. Otherwise where will this end? What if they can't afford repayments, what if they want to go on big holidays and credit cards are maxed?

She was posting on FB about TTC?

burninghigh and hibernia

The OP's circumstances are different. Her DS is supporting a 21 yo woman with 2 kids who has never worked. They have been together 2 years so not that long. As soon as she is in a position to work again (her child is FT at school), she gets deliberately pregnant again. If they get married, she will be entitled to live in the house until the kids are old, or get half of the value of the house.

I would not loan them the money at their age. Maybe if they were still together at 30, and didn't have a place.

No, no, no. If they made an offer on the house in Summer but GF is not working and has only announced pregnancy, then her not working is nothing to do with the pregnancy so either they are lying to you about the mortgage affordability or they lied about initial figures when they applied. Otherwise, it makes no sense that the figures they supplied earlier are no longer enough for that mortgage.

Well let's flip things around-my parents actually helped my grandparents (my mothers parents) when they needed money. She had been given nowt from them. Some children actually buy houses for their parents-mostly rich celebs granted, but it does happen. Some very stingy parents on here I'd say..

OP: I wouldn't be giving them the money. There was a reason the mortgage was declined.

If you trust your son that he'll pay it back then fine but I don't think this would be the end of the requests

She was posting on FB about TTC?

Yes, I did think that too!

Give them the money, and tell them they can get married in a registry office.

Be careful you're not going to alienate your son's partner. She'll be the person who'll rock your grandchildrens' cradle

Denying them help you can afford because it's "not the way things are done" according your your values and judgement is backward thinking, and it denies their reality and the reality of your son's life, and quite frankly is repugnant and very very ignorant and shortsighted.

Gift them the money if you afford it with a smile, and offer to host their small wedding breakfast when they sign the registry. Money spent on weddings is pissing in the wind. Providing help so they can home your grandkids, including new the merged step children is a positive and loving thing to do.

I know it's difficult to put your hand in your pocket and help out when they're busy hoiking up your judgy pants, but it think morally it's the righteous thing to do.

What legacy do you want?

Don't lend them the money.

It does sound as if your ds is involved with an, at best, immature and rather irresponsible woman.

I agree with the PP's suggestion of supporting the child/ren in ways that will make tangible differences to them (not to the parents) - coats, shoes, days out, perhaps extra-curricular activities later on.

if you want to help them, but don't want the money to totally disappear, buy the house jointly with them. (And do it properly, through a solicitor, everything watertight.)

If you don't want to help them, then that's your choice too.

"Obviously no-one is entitled, there is no mandate to give anyone anything.

But would any parent be happy with giving one child a leg up and not the others? I think I'd be very upset if my parents had given my older brother a house deposit and then said "sorry, tough, we've run out of money" when I got to that stage. I wouldn't do it to my own kids; I'd rather give them all a small amount than give one a lot and the others nothing."

Interesting. Given that I see it as their money to spend as they wish and don't feel entitled to any of it, it's no pain to me to not receive money that was never mine to begin with. to be upset that my brother was given 20k and me 2k would imply that I had some sort of claim to any of their cash to begin with imo.

I suspect you're pretty unusual, kity. I think very few people if they're totally honest would be fine with a sibling getting given £20k while they got £2k without good reason (eg one sibling had disabilities that limit ability to work).

burninghigh I'm so shocked and disgusted by your bitter and entitled attitude.

If I were your in-laws and had even an inkling that you felt as you did, I'd never give your DH and you a penny.

You'll say they didn't know you expected them to give you money, but an attitude like yours will be obvious.

@KityGlitr judge away. I can stand on my own two feet. But I've had supportive parents. Which is probably the difference between me and my husband and his sister. My husband now also earns very good money. No thanks to my in laws but largely down to my support of him. He got there in the end but his life would have been easier if they had supported him more when he was younger. It's not just financial support by the way it's emotional support too.

On paper you would think that he came from the home more likely to succeed with the 2 university educated parents.

Where my parents made decisions to better my life his made decisions to better theirs. They are the selfish and entitled ones. I don't expect anything from anyone, but I've been given the tools to stand on my own two feet and did so from an early age.

I know what my husband plans on doing for our children and it's not what his did for him. Judge away if it makes you feel better about the decisions you plan on making but parental responsibility doesn't stop at 18.

I would be reluctant to lend them the money, would they be able to keep up with the mortgage repayments as your DS's gf won't be working for quite a while now by the sound of it. And what happens if they split up, would his gf keep living there with the DCs, where would he go? A lot of questions.
There are a lot of reasons to be cautious imo.

It also depends on how easily you can find the money, and on whether you can afford to not be repaid at all, which could happen.

"Today 12:03 MargaretCavendish

I suspect you're pretty unusual, kity. I think very few people if they're totally honest would be fine with a sibling getting given £20k while they got £2k without good reason (eg one sibling had disabilities that limit ability to work)."

I can't imagine the level of entitlement that would lead to that thought process tbh, I genuinely can't. I fully understood why she made that decision based on both of our needs at the time and was grateful for anything as I wouldn't have been able to get on the road otherwise (I was 17).