lending ds money for mortgage deposit - and pregnancy - wwyd?

[mymorningbeautyroutine]

WWYD in this situation?

My 25yo son lives with his gf. They’ve been together 2 years and are getting married next May. His gf has a 4yo ds from a previous relationship. My ds has parental responsibility for him.

DS and gf went to look at some houses in the summer, found one they liked, put in an offer, applied for a mortgage.

Then 2 weeks ago ds drops a bombshell - his gf is pregnant. Baby is due next June - so they’re probably going to postpone their wedding.
This also puts into jeopardy their house buying as his gf won’t be able to work and then will have maternity leave. She’s not working at the moment.

DS told us last night that their mortgage has been turned down because the mortgage company isn’t happy that they have enough money coming in to pay the mortgage.

DS dropped hints about us lending them money for a bigger deposit. DH and I had been thinking about this, but now that ds’s gf is pregnant, we feel, why should we? We had to wait to save up to get married and have a baby – why are they trying to do everything at once??

DS’s attitude to his gf’s pregnancy is really odd too – he keeps saying things like ‘it’s a big surprise, we weren’t expecting to get pg’, but his gf has been posting on FB for months saying that they’re ttc! And really, if you have unprotected sex then you must know there’s a risk of getting pg…

I think he’s been really careless/blasé about this huge decision, and that they should have waited.

So, are we being mean by not lending them money? WWYD?

Ok, well good for you. Most people would be very hurt by a parent showing such incredibly obvious favouritism. It's the same with inheritance - for most people it's not about the stuff, it's about the emotions that being told you're literally of less value to your parents entails.

@SonicBoomBoom whether they knew how I felt or not is irrelevant. And they wouldn't have been giving the money to me (or support for that matter) it was to their son.

It's not entitled, I'm entitled to nothing. But it's not how I would behave in their situation.
If my daughter was living in a high rise council block in hackney with 2 toddlers and no sign of a husband whilst I was lording it up in Fulham I like to think I might do something to help her.

I'm not bitter as I don't need their money or help. But that's sad of itself and I think they are missing out on lots of things by being disinterested. I find their attitude strange but I come from a much closer family I suppose.

Really weird opinions on this thread but I think some people have to be competitively humble.

margaret well maybe that's why I didn't care. Monetary value doesn't indicate the level of love you feel for someone, and I felt very secure in how much she loved me and cared about me and never felt it was inferior to how she felt about my brother. As I say, it was about what both of our needs were at that time, and a seventeen year old wasn't in need of a house deposit, he already had a car! I find it sad that someone could think the amount of money you're given somehow reflects the love. But maybe for those people that actually is the case, hence the hurt.

Burning - you sound very bitter.

I am someone who didn't get anything from any parent. My mother brought me a fitted sheet for my wedding as it was on the wedding list. I suspect she doesn't know why I thought that strange and I have never mentioned it.

The fact is this lazy, 21 year old has probably never worked. Why should she? There are people around that she can sponge off and she will absolutely know her entitlements should the worse happen.

21 is a very young age to think you are entitled to a house especially as someone else will be funding it be that you or your DS. She just wont care though. Its got her this far and she probably justifies it by thinking you can easily afford it and why not..

I also think giving separate amounts of money to your children is going to cause huge issues.

You will never get the money back. If it's a gift and you're ok with that fine.

DH's lovely parents gave us money for a deposit. We swore to ourselves we would repay them though they never, ever suggested we should. We fully intended to put some money aside and one day pay it back.

Seven years down the line we've not managed to save one penny. The boiler breaks, the car breaks, the fridge breaks and the cost of everything only goes up. We live frugally, no holidays, no ipads, etc and both work full time in averagely paid jobs so if we, with brilliant relationships with his DPs and every intention of doing what we think is the right thing can't do it, they it's highly unlikely your DS and partner will be able to

Why isn't she employed? Surely it's fairly obvious that she needs a job to buy a house? She won't be getting maternity leave if she doesn't have a job.

I'm with you, I wouldn't be lending them any money, when they are both financially stable.

As I say, it was about what both of our needs were at that time, and a seventeen year old wasn't in need of a house deposit, he already had a car!

But money doesn't go off! She could have given you equal portions without giving it to you as a 17 year old. It's not like you were going to stay 17 for ever.

Would an interest-free loan secured with a second charge on the house be an option here?

Not sure how these things work, would there be a right to call in the loan if they fell behind on their mortgage payments? Otherwise they could erode the equity on which the second charge is secured by defaulting on the payments.

The point of the loan would be to keep money in the family if they split. If they don't it can be forgiven at a later date.

But Hillingdon if your mother bought you a fitted sheet because that was what you needed that is fine too. Maybe that's all she could afford?

My mum gave us a small amount of money (£100 I think) because we didn't need anything so she wanted us to buy us something nice. I think my in laws gave us a similar amount. Can't remember as it's not important and we didn't need it.

We didn't have a gift list as I think they are entitled and we paid for our own wedding (including cars and accommodation for both of our parents and my dh's sister) as we can afford to.

The OP's son can't afford to buy a house without parental help. I couldn't afford my first house when I was 21 without my mums help. She gave me a few thousand and that (as well as a good education and general support) has set me and my children up for life and meant that when I met my husband I had enough equity and savings that we kept my first place and bought our own home.

My Dhaka could have done with a bit of help when he was younger though. Not just when I was pregnant but when he was much younger left to fend for himself straight out of school.

No doubt my inlaws think we are very wealthy. We are not. I am just much more sensible and generous with money than them.

Is it just young SAHM's who are grasping cheeky and entitled lazy freeloaders or do we feel that way about them all?

This woman had a baby at 17/18 and has one assumes looked after that baby, she's entered into another relationship which is considered secure enough for a court to grant PR (it's the only way to get it if your not married or an actual biological parent) and for what ever reason the resulting family has decided it is better for them for her not to work.

Nobody has to give anybody money but it's not an unusual request nor is it a shocking one and it's not one that's worthy of being so nasty about someone whose done nothing wrong

"Today 12:43 MargaretCavendish

As I say, it was about what both of our needs were at that time, and a seventeen year old wasn't in need of a house deposit, he already had a car!

But money doesn't go off! She could have given you equal portions without giving it to you as a 17 year old. It's not like you were going to stay 17 for ever."

If she split it equally it wouldn't have been enough for my brother to get a mortgage at that time (he also has debt to clear) first. And why should she have? She generously helped us both in ways very useful to us at that time. There is no need to bean count to ensure it's 100% equal between two different kids at different stages of life, it was a generous gift to us both.

If they can't afford the repayments there's no point giving them the deposit.

However, if they can I don't see why you wouldn't. 'I couldn't have it so why should they' is a really shitty attitude.

Give them the money, and tell them they can get married in a registry office

To me this sums up the difficult position the OP is in. She could hand over the money with various conditions to make her DS and GF behave responsibly. Objectively this makes sense. Subjectively this isn't likely to lead to harmony.

What the OP is seeking is reassurance that they will run things sensibly (cheap wedding, affordable mortgage etc), but trying to enforce this will cause all kinds of resentments. It would be better to let them develop these habits themselves.

Impressive that a too stupid to use contraception thread got a landlord hater by page two.

Beds and lying in them. For both.

By the way OP, just bear in mind that things in the housing market might become uncertain:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-41439349

Interest rates could rise in the "relatively near term" the Governor of the Bank of England has told the BBC.In the clearest indication yet that there could be a rate rise as early as November, Mark Carney suggested that it was time for the bank to "ease its foot off the accelerator".

Now is not the time to be getting a mortgage at the limits of one's affordability.

My mother lives in a mortgage free house in London having worked for 40 years so she isn't short of money. I just don't think she thinks tbh.

Or maybe she thinks her money is to spend on herself which I wouldnt argue with at all. We paid for the wedding (and were happy to!) but she had to picked up on the day as she doesn't drive.

She thought I might be able to pick her up as we had an afternoon wedding!! Its almost like she is clueless that her only daughter was getting married - at last!

I have never mentioned it but when my children get married I am certainly not buying them a fitted sheet or a pillow case!

OP maybe tell your son you haven’t got the money & that maybe he is expecting to much to soon,
The entitlement on this thread is shocking 😬

Don't lend them the money if you don't want to / can't. But you sound unsupportive.
So they got pregnant at a time that you don't think is right, don't judge them for that! Yeah the wedding may be on hold but that's life. The same thing pretty much happened to us. We actually got married whilst I was pregnant but the pregnancy wasn't planned. And totally heartbreaking to have the mortgage fall through when they really could do with the stability.

Don't compare how your life was to them now. It's totally different. Easier in some ways and harder in others.

Although we got a mortgage whilst I was on maternity leave. They can't discriminate against that. So it must have fallen through for other reasons, unrelated to the pregnancy.

burninghigh I've seen the flipside of this though. Parents provided deposit, son was irresponsible and lost the house. 20 years later he is an alcoholic looser.

hibernatinghorris also does make a good point, is it worthwhile stumping up some support to keep them living near you? If you need to be doing long trips regularly to visit your grandchildren it might be worthwhile trying to help keep them close.

This young women isn't on maternity leave! She doesn't have a job and I suspect she never has so no discrimination there!

I would absolutely judge this situation and this women who sounds immature and rather feckless

Agree completely, Hillingdon

Have you read the thread, hiimmumma?

The mortgage can't have 'fallen through' due to the pregnancy; she wasn't working anyway and it sounds like she probably never has.

Sorry that's what I'm saying. It can't have fallen through because of the pregnancy so something else must have changed. Or they never had an offer in the first place and lied about it which isn't on!

Anyway I don't see why she's getting such stick, all she's done is get pregnant? It sound like it's the Son asking his mum. I don't know why everyone assumes she's in it to rip them off or that the relationship isn't going to last. Because she already has a child? Because she is pregnant before they are married?
If the Son has chosen to start a family with and marry her why can't his mother be supportive?

And I don't mean supportive by offering the money, I just mean in General. No one has to lend or give any money they don't want to obviously.

I think she's entitled and has £££ signs in her eyes when she looks at your family.

This happened to my in laws. Girl got pregnant after going out with my BIL for 6 months and they bled my inlaws for many a penny. It was really embarrassing and the worst thing they are only permitted to see their grandchild every 3 to 6 months!!

I thought the mortgage company's only offer a certain amount regardless of your deposit? So if they offer 180k it won't matter if your deposit is 10k or 50k, it won't affect their affordability calculations? If your ds and gf were relying on her returning to work to afford the mortgage that's probably why it's getting refused now, because they can't afford it. I would not lend the money