Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

lending ds money for mortgage deposit - and pregnancy - wwyd?

219 replies

mymorningbeautyroutine · 29/09/2017 09:27

WWYD in this situation?

My 25yo son lives with his gf. They’ve been together 2 years and are getting married next May. His gf has a 4yo ds from a previous relationship. My ds has parental responsibility for him.

DS and gf went to look at some houses in the summer, found one they liked, put in an offer, applied for a mortgage.

Then 2 weeks ago ds drops a bombshell - his gf is pregnant. Baby is due next June - so they’re probably going to postpone their wedding.
This also puts into jeopardy their house buying as his gf won’t be able to work and then will have maternity leave. She’s not working at the moment.

DS told us last night that their mortgage has been turned down because the mortgage company isn’t happy that they have enough money coming in to pay the mortgage.

DS dropped hints about us lending them money for a bigger deposit. DH and I had been thinking about this, but now that ds’s gf is pregnant, we feel, why should we? We had to wait to save up to get married and have a baby – why are they trying to do everything at once??

DS’s attitude to his gf’s pregnancy is really odd too – he keeps saying things like ‘it’s a big surprise, we weren’t expecting to get pg’, but his gf has been posting on FB for months saying that they’re ttc! And really, if you have unprotected sex then you must know there’s a risk of getting pg…

I think he’s been really careless/blasé about this huge decision, and that they should have waited.

So, are we being mean by not lending them money? WWYD?

OP posts:
Anecdoche · 29/09/2017 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

guilty100 · 29/09/2017 09:59

I think my answer would depend on your circumstances. If you're minted, then I would give them the money, but make it clear that they are expected to fund their own lifestyles thereafter. If you're struggling yourselves, I'd encourage them to look at shared ownership or council housing.

Your DS is clearly telling you what he thinks you want to hear, which isn't healthy either.

Witsender · 29/09/2017 09:59

Depends. Loaning it to them because you don't think they should 'have it easier' than you seems petty...he is your son and tbh, his generation are likely to have it harder than yours. It sounds a wee bit like you don't like her, is that colouring your opinion? It is highly unlikely that she has tricked him if it was on Facebook 😂

Turning him down due to genuine concerns about either affordability for you, or him, is more reasonable. In that case I would just ignore all hints, and if he asks say you can't right now. No more detail needed. Suggest they wait until the baby appears and her employment settles.

greentea4me · 29/09/2017 09:59

No way! They sound spoilt and so blasé about the whole matter most people wouldn't be TTC with their wedding coming up! If he can't be responsible enough to properly plan his family or use contraception then why would he be trustworthy enough to take your money? They are expecting you to bankroll their lifestyle no way. And also her not working and them not being married is another reason I wouldn't give them the money. They need to get organised.

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 29/09/2017 09:59

Pease don't put your son and grandchild through this shit

Hang on hibernating Shock The Op is not putting them through anything! I've no idea about your personal circumstances but the DS and his partner are adults making their own choices for which they need to take responsibility.

Floralnomad · 29/09/2017 10:00

It's obviously your decision if you lend him money or not but being pregnant has nothing to do with not being able to get the mortgage if she wasn't working anyway . If it were me it would simply boil down to could I afford to give them the money or not irrespective of judging their decision making .

19lottie82 · 29/09/2017 10:01

A mortgage company won't accept a lent deposit. There's a chance you will need to sign a document saying it's a gift, not a loan. Which is essentially fraud, are you happy to do that?

If you can afford to give them the money then yes, but to lend it to them? Can you afford not to get it back, and deal with possible fall outs if they decide they can't or won't, pay it back?

Original poster
mymorningbeautyroutine · 29/09/2017 10:02

Thanks for the replies. I was expecting a flaming so am pleasantly surprised.

I think SpelendiIsolation hit the nail on the head:

I mean re the GF, so she has your son financially supporting her child from a previous relationship whilst not working herself, and now expects to get a house with his mortgage payments and your deposit money? LOL!!!!!

That does wind me up. Her ds's bio dad does not pay a penny in maintenance. My ds supports them both - and has done since v early in their rel'ship.

She has not worked regularly since I have known her - and as soon as her ds is in FT nursery/preschool, she gets pg again??! Hmm

She is 21 - she had no reason to think she'd have trouble getting pg as she has two dc.

She seems to want/expect everything for nothing, and I don't like it.

We could afford the money, though, which makes me feel bad. And their monthly repyments will be cheaper than the rent they're currently paying.

I did mention ds's gf's FB ttc post to my ds. He said they weren't ttc. Hmm They seem to have problems communicating.

I am surprised at how judgemental you're being though - you're essentially withholding the money on moral grounds.

Not moral - I'm not against the idea of dc before marriage at all. Am against the idea of having a dc without sitting down and working out how you're going to pay for it, though!

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 29/09/2017 10:02

Dh and I were given some money from both parents and lent some money from mine. If they had had this sort of attitude, we certainly wouldn't have got on the property ladder for a long time.

I would only refuse to help if I can't afford to lose the money. I'd also only agree to lend him the money if the house goes in his name only. That way, the deposit is protected in case of a split. I do appreciate that having a baby does make this more difficult to protect your asset. I'd also want a payment plan in place from almost the start. Give them say 3 months or so to settle in first.

pullingmyhairout1 · 29/09/2017 10:03

I would still lend but I'd put a second charge on the property.

RavingRoo · 29/09/2017 10:03

@burninghigh - why would you have a baby or buy if you couldn’t afford it? Parental help is a nice to have, not a guarantee - when you’re an adult you really do need to learn how to stand on your feet. Blaming your inlaws because they didn’t fund your dodgy decisions is just awful.

Bearbehind · 29/09/2017 10:04

I was just going to post what lottie has.

A loan wouldn't help them with the mortgage as it would be another financial commitment taken into account when judging their affordability.

You would have to declare it as a gift and you would legally have no chance of getting it back.

Witchend · 29/09/2017 10:05

Do you have other dc that might say "well in that case why don't I get the same?"

I'm slightly on the fence. it's your dgc and your ds and surely you'd like them to be settled.
The ttc, and "total surprise" I can relate to in a silly way. I was convinced from a flip comment that I was going to be infertile. So I worked out "if we start trying now, then at this point I can go to the GP for investigations, and we can look at IVF when I'm that age etc." So I was totally astonished to find I conceived on the first month. And it wasn't brilliant timing as we had to move area (and knew we would) that month. If I'd known I'd conceive so quickly I think I'd have left it a year.

But there's slight red flags going up for me. Postponing the wedding-till when? Most people I know in that situation have brought it forward as it's easier for the child etc. So I'm wondering if there's other issues here.
If you do pay part of the deposit, how are you going to work that out? Do you own part of the house? Or is it a gift?
If they break up what's the situation? Generally mother with child gets to stay in the house from my experience, not always, but that's often the case. Can you afford to not have that money repaid for 18 years?
Can they afford the repayments? If they sell, do you get your money back then? etc.
Obviously these are things you needed to think about if lending the money anyway, whatever the situation.

MargaretCavendish · 29/09/2017 10:05

If she's 21 and hasn't worked since she has a four year old, has she, in fact, ever worked? I really don't think it sounds like they can count on her income, pregnant or not. I also do think it sounds wise for you to protect your money.

charlestonchaplin · 29/09/2017 10:05

The mortgage lender will not accept this. You either have to gift them the money, and sign a declaration that that is the case, or lie and pretend it is a gift. Of course having signed a document to say the money is a gift you then have to rely on the goodwill of your son topay back the loan. You cannot compel him to.

HarrietKettleWasHere · 29/09/2017 10:05

She has two dc?Confused

It's not actually her fault if the kid's dad isn't paying anything in maintenance though, is it?

Not totally unreasonable IMO to not be at work until your child is in nursery or school. Childcare is bloody expensive. If she's only 21 with a short working history she's probably not going to earn enough money to cover that.

You really don't like her though, do you?

Bearbehind · 29/09/2017 10:06

she had no reason to think she'd have trouble getting pg as she has two dc.

Am I missing something- where is the second DC?

pullingmyhairout1 · 29/09/2017 10:06

Actually after reading your most recent post I would still lend and I would still put a charge on.

Your post about the ttc smacks in the face of being lied to though and that is what I'd be smarting about more.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/09/2017 10:06

Cross post. Oh that complicates things. I'd probably buy a rental then and gift it to him at a later date if your funds permit. You'd have to look into tax before doing this as rules do change. And I do appreciate there will be an additional 3pc stamp duty.

happypoobum · 29/09/2017 10:07

She has two DC? Where is the other one?

I wouldn't lend them the money either - the whole thing sounds a bit off to me.

Mary1935 · 29/09/2017 10:07

Hi is the 4 year old at school yet - has she ever worked? Is she doing anything to get a job at all. I would need to see motivation from her actually - mortgage companies usually like to see a third of the income going on the mortgage so I've if mortgage is £600 per month they will need to see an income of £1800 coming in - is she signing on and getting job seekers? If she is then job centres push people to get a job once the child is 3 (some and I'm not implying anything)!get pregnant so they can avoid working. If you lend him the money how will he pay it
back and when. Good luck

Bearbehind · 29/09/2017 10:09

The OP couldn't put a charge on the property.

In order to buy the property the DS would need all the deposit and the OP would have to declare it as a gift.

alltouchedout · 29/09/2017 10:09

I think if your DS wants you to hand over substantial sums of money, the least he could do is be honest with you.

If you can afford to give them the money, and you want to, then that's one thing. But if it's a loan, it won't work, as pp have pointed out.

NerNerNerNerNerNerNerNerBATMAN · 29/09/2017 10:09

She's literally about five minutes pregnant, plenty of time to get a PT/FT job to help save some money before the baby is born.

They've made their bed and they have to lie in it.

If I had the money, I'd give it, but only on condition that it was protected in DS name should they split. I can't remember the legal term but it can be done. I have friends who have been lent deposits in similar manners.

Bananmanfan · 29/09/2017 10:10

How about helping them work out some better options to buy. Have they looked at help to buy on a new build? We couldn't have got on the property ladder without doing it. They would need 5% deposit & the government then puts in 20%, meaning you can get more for your money & much better mortgage offers due to the 25% deposit.