lending ds money for mortgage deposit - and pregnancy - wwyd?

[mymorningbeautyroutine]

WWYD in this situation?

My 25yo son lives with his gf. They’ve been together 2 years and are getting married next May. His gf has a 4yo ds from a previous relationship. My ds has parental responsibility for him.

DS and gf went to look at some houses in the summer, found one they liked, put in an offer, applied for a mortgage.

Then 2 weeks ago ds drops a bombshell - his gf is pregnant. Baby is due next June - so they’re probably going to postpone their wedding.
This also puts into jeopardy their house buying as his gf won’t be able to work and then will have maternity leave. She’s not working at the moment.

DS told us last night that their mortgage has been turned down because the mortgage company isn’t happy that they have enough money coming in to pay the mortgage.

DS dropped hints about us lending them money for a bigger deposit. DH and I had been thinking about this, but now that ds’s gf is pregnant, we feel, why should we? We had to wait to save up to get married and have a baby – why are they trying to do everything at once??

DS’s attitude to his gf’s pregnancy is really odd too – he keeps saying things like ‘it’s a big surprise, we weren’t expecting to get pg’, but his gf has been posting on FB for months saying that they’re ttc! And really, if you have unprotected sex then you must know there’s a risk of getting pg…

I think he’s been really careless/blasé about this huge decision, and that they should have waited.

So, are we being mean by not lending them money? WWYD?

I agree, don't lend them the money yet, maybe when they're a bit older. I would say though, op; try to treat her with kindness and respect. She is very young & about to have her 3rd baby. Whatever image she projects, I would guess that her later childhood (at least) has been difficult (to be on a 3rd baby at 21). Your DS must be encouraged to always take responsibility for his own fertility, there could be several more babies yet.

If the Son has chosen to start a family with and marry her why can't his mother be supportive?

She doesn't have to be unconditionally supportive.

I wouldn't be if my child was making a huge mistake, like OP's DS is.

You surely don't just think, oh well, that's what DS wants so I'll support him?

Fuck that.

I completely agree with you KityGlitr, fair doesn't mean exactly equal and I can see why your DM helped you both in the way you needed at the time. I'm married but my DSis is not, and my parents paid for my wedding. DSis wouldn't expect my parents to give the exact cost of my wedding to her just so we are "equal". They help us both in different ways according to our needs and their ability.

Oh dear, I'm sure I sound judgy but I'd be disappointed if my son ended up with a girl like this. Already got one (or is it two) dc by some feckless man by 21 and your ds is picking up the tab as people say, 2 years is not a long relationship. Is it her fault he's not paying maintenance, technically no but it doesn't show great judgement on his part.

Anything financial, consult a lawyer first as you don't want her getting her hands on the money if you split and needs to be cast iron loan not gift, to your ds, not both of them.

She's about four minutes pregnant and has already told all the family and the mortgage company? How can the mortgage offer have fallen through because of this if she wasn't working (and presumably has never worked) anyway? They wouldn't have made an offer based on what she might earn if she worked, they would make an offer based on evidence of what she was actually earning.

I wouldn't want to be tethered to this person in more ways than I had to be. If she's pregnant and it all goes well then I'd try to find a way to use the money to help your grandchild in another way. Like paying for some childcare so she can go to work. (Seems unlikely she'll go for that though...)

If you really want to consider it..sit down with an independent financial advisor with your son and his girlfriend. If anything another failed mortgage application can harm his credit rating so it needs to be done right. You also need to know how much you adding to deposit would make a difference. It is unlikely to if they do not pass affordability checks in first place . If they can't afford the monthly payments there really is no point giving them the money. Bear in mind there will be extra legal costs if you lend the extra deposit rather than gift...it is not something that can be hidden very easily as they do checks for where the money comes from for money laundering purposes. If DS girlfriend not providing money for mortgage she may not be on deeds? Some companies get funny about it (not all). All this plus the failed mortgage app really necessitates legal advice and a financial advisor. Your son could really harm his credit rating by applying for mortgages and getting rejected.

There are lots of ways you could support your son ..it doesn't have to be tied to a big financial loan. Have they.looked at Shared Ownership housing or Fair Market rent schemes for example. Your son is asking you to.add to his deposit so he must have saved a fair amount already which is sensible.

No, I wouldn't lend.

Even if you protect the money with a repayment agreement etc you'd have to go to court to enforce it which would ruin family relations.

Money & families don't mix.

The banks risk assessment has obviously flagged them up as unsuitable to lend to.

Wow MrsKoala you've got it all planned out. Let's hope your kids actually agree or even want children. No pressure at all.....

I would do the following:-
Offer the money (once I had seen paperwork to prove they could still get a mortgage on it if:

1. They still get married but have a very cheap small do - say just church, nice dress and then back home for drinks. That will suss out if she is a money grabbing hanger on or not. Also that the wedding must be before your grandchild is born and there is a DNA test once it is born and you pay for that.

1. That she goes back to work full time when the baby is 3 months old ven if that takes half her wage in childcare and half your son's.

1. That you want full written details about the step child, the father, what efforts have been made to have h im pay towards the child, what he does pay etc etc.

1. That there is a pre nup.

Hmmmm lots of entitled folk out there expecting other people to pay up to sort out their ill thought out decisions. This pregnancy sounds planned. Spoil your grandchild with presents, offer to buy practical stuff like a buggy, car seat etc but god no, do not be 'gifting' huge sums of money to people who clearly show poor financial planning and budget skills.

I also wouldn't gift money unless they were married because if the relationship breaks down you will have less guarantees the money stays 'in the family'. As most people wouldn't feel obliged to pay half of a loan from an ex boyfriends family. Where as if a couple divorce there is always the possibility it could be discussed and factored somehow in a settlement.

Thanks greentea4me, my lovely mum is gone now and I could never imagine the type of grabby attitude I've seen described here, there is so much more to love and family than money. Some people sound so ungrateful "thanks for the gift but it's not enough i deserve more" :/

How much have they asked to borrow Op? Some people are assuming you would practically own the house or are we talking a few thousand?
Tbh this thread is very judgemental with some ridiculous suggestions from posters that will surely ruin your relationship with your son and his family. Don't lend the money if your not comfortable but offer support to them in other ways.

Besides the fact the girlfriend had children fairly early on what's she like? Do you get on with her and made an effort to get to know her? Whats their relationship like and does she make your son happy
Does she have a supportive family?
What are her future ambitions?
All thing to consider rather than just judging her on the basis she's got 2 kids and never worked.

Urgh. YANBU. Don’t give that gold digger a penny of your cash.
Could you buy a house yourself and rent it to them if a mortgage is less than their rent? At 21 she is unacceptably entitled and needs to stand on her own

Is this DS your only child? What help did his siblings get?

Really good advice from PP, OP.

It is your decision of course, but the only things I would add are, firstly, that if you do give them the money (I would give not lend- this a loan you're unlikely to get back) then it should not be at the cost of you resenting them. You could manage this by being honest with both of them that there is no money coming when giving the money over to the solicitors- i.e. We are happy to help you with this gift as a one off. We hope that this will give you the head start you need and enable you to manage your other finances longer term.

Or you could buy in with them. The issue with that is who will pay for ongoing costs- e.g. If the boiler needs replacing.

In your circumstances I would do whatever I could that did not lead to me resenting them. If that means no, then it's no. I have been in a similar position and we gave a gift of some of the money asked for. We made clear that we could not support them long term so this was designed to help them get them on the ladder. It worked, they are doing well. We also gave a smaller sum for the baby when born for the nursery which they didn't ask for but we were happy to give. But you don't owe them anything.

You could put money aside in trust for your grandchild instead maybe?

Like my inlaws who waste their money in Waitrose and the like. Their decision (and I can afford to shop there myself) but I judge them for that (and spending £1000's of inheritance from my dh's grandfather on shit they didn't need when my sister in law (their daughter) was never able to get out of rented accommodation

Yes, us damned oldies are so selfish, actually spending money on ourselves and shopping where we like, instead of giving money to our kids. It's ridiculous isn't it, when you've worked hard for donkey's years and struggled through years of 15% interest rates to treat yourself to nice stuff when you get older and your children are actually adults, independent and free to make their own choices.

I mean life is such a struggle, what with having to have the latest phone, tv packages, holidays, cars on PCP and so so on, it's just impossible to save any money.

Seriously, while the cost of housing is ludicrous, the sense of entitlement of some people is just ludicrous. As is criticising other people's spending choices.

I would much rather help if I could rather than watch my child pay somebody else's mortgage by renting. Although I do understand your views on this.

I think it sounds like she's taking your son for an absolute mug. Don't join in

So what's happening with this mystery child of the girlfriends? And all the other inconsistencies?

But still gives me a chance to get my pitchfork out. Freeloading gold-digging woman never worked a day in her life trapping a young man with a baby and will steal his house, Boo! Hiss!

I certainly wouldn't expect my parents to come and help clean and assemble furniture. I would see that as interference.

I don't think you should lend the money - it might enable them to buy, but it won't make much difference to the monthly cost and you are setting them up to struggle.
I didn't get financial help from parents - we did it ourself and as a result feel happier knowing it was all our own doing.

If you do lend, it will only be too easy to continue to ask you and you go without.

Now I've had my sarcastic rant, my considered opinion is that this money would, in reality, be a gift, not a loan.

DS and GF have made some unwise choices by planning a wedding and a baby when they also want to buy a house. That does not really inspire confidence in their financial responsibility. The GF sounds like she's trying to shake fruit from a money tree.

If you can afford it, OP, I'd suggest buying a property with a BTL mortgage and renting it to them. That way, your grandchild gets a secure home and your financial risk is relatively small. As long as the rent they pay covers the mortgage repayments, you could let them keep the increase in equity (assuming house prices continue to rise) as the deposit on their next home, and selling it when they're ready and able to buy.

Things are very uncertain with regard to house prices atm. With an interest rate rise almost certain, an over-inflated housing market and the abyss that is Brexit looming, I'm not convinced that is now the best time to be buying your first home if it requires maxing out your borrowing.

If you are talking a few grand then I couldn't get het up over it.

The fact is your son has found himself in a situation that you disapprove of. It's his life, he's a grown up and he loves this girl.

The missing child though? PR&Rs how did he get those? Seems odd to me.

If he's always had the understanding you'd help with his mortgage deposit you are treading in very dangerous waters by going back on that over his choice of partner. Fact

It will be you and your husband left out in the cold.

Judgement is not welcome by anyone to anyone.

She may be work shy but you ain't never ever going to change that. Neither will your son. With all these children I doubt she has an occupation?

Therefore childcare costs will outstrip the benefit of working.

I say no to my children a lot. I could buy them all sorts of things - make their lives very cushy but I don't. The best thing I can give them is a desire to do well and the ability to support themselves.

I have found when mum pays, the need to try drops off.

Sorry OP I have been lurking!
But I wanted to say please don’t give them the money!! I think people saying you should are looking at it in too much of a simple way. A mortgage is a huge loan and financial burden that it does not sound like your son and his partner are up to!!
My partner and I are in our twenties. My DS is one, we both did the sums before we ttc and made the appropriate adjustments, savings and choices. We just got engaged but not getting married until 2019 as it’s what we can reasonably afford. Also just put and offer in on a house in Ireland as it is what we can afford. A fixer upper but we are not shy of hard work. Also is near his parents so I can get back to work as they have offered support in child care where we currently do not have any! We are renting in London which is a killer but that was our choice.
My parents have the money but in no way would I have expected them to help!!!! Please please please ignore the people saying that you should. Your son and his partner are not in a position to buy a house! You are doing them a favour in the long run! Help in other ways! You sound lovely!
Good luck!

How much are her parents going to give?