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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

lending ds money for mortgage deposit - and pregnancy - wwyd?

219 replies

mymorningbeautyroutine · 29/09/2017 09:27

WWYD in this situation?

My 25yo son lives with his gf. They’ve been together 2 years and are getting married next May. His gf has a 4yo ds from a previous relationship. My ds has parental responsibility for him.

DS and gf went to look at some houses in the summer, found one they liked, put in an offer, applied for a mortgage.

Then 2 weeks ago ds drops a bombshell - his gf is pregnant. Baby is due next June - so they’re probably going to postpone their wedding.
This also puts into jeopardy their house buying as his gf won’t be able to work and then will have maternity leave. She’s not working at the moment.

DS told us last night that their mortgage has been turned down because the mortgage company isn’t happy that they have enough money coming in to pay the mortgage.

DS dropped hints about us lending them money for a bigger deposit. DH and I had been thinking about this, but now that ds’s gf is pregnant, we feel, why should we? We had to wait to save up to get married and have a baby – why are they trying to do everything at once??

DS’s attitude to his gf’s pregnancy is really odd too – he keeps saying things like ‘it’s a big surprise, we weren’t expecting to get pg’, but his gf has been posting on FB for months saying that they’re ttc! And really, if you have unprotected sex then you must know there’s a risk of getting pg…

I think he’s been really careless/blasé about this huge decision, and that they should have waited.

So, are we being mean by not lending them money? WWYD?

OP posts:
HotelEuphoria · 29/09/2017 10:38

For all the reasons mentioned above, I would not lend them the money.

Maybe in years to come when they have put some effort into saving up and growing up, but for now? not a chance!

sunseptember · 29/09/2017 10:38

Hibernating Horris and burning high, very somber posts there.
i would tread carefully op, very carefully.

If your so upset about the trying for a baby perhaps ask straight out and get to the bottom of it. They didnt intend to ask you for money and I dont blame them asking its up to you whether you give it - they have met a stumbling block and are going through options. Maybe you are happy to give it but they didnt want to ask!

I agree what you do now however, not just the money etc is very much laying foundations for your future relations with your dil and grandchild...tread carefully.

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 29/09/2017 10:38

smileyhappy but those were your consequences, the Op and her DH are not making it harder for them. I genuinely cannot understand why people who presumably see themselves as adults and would likely bristle if their parents expressed views on family size, spending choices and so on, seem to believe that those parents not only have a responsibility to provide for their adult dc and dgc but can be blamed for their DCs circumstances Hmm. It's great if a parent can and chooses to help but it's their choice not something to assume and then make big decisions based on that assumption.

Clovertoast · 29/09/2017 10:40

My parents never gave us a penny towards a deposit ?
Why should you have to ?

Also how likely is it you will see any of it back ? If they can;f afford a mortgage on paper how will they pay not only that back but also the money they owe you ?
Do you have any other children ?
How do they feel about this ?

No I wouldnt lend it.

Amanduh · 29/09/2017 10:40

I get your point OP, with his partner etc... but if I had the money (and you were going to give it to your son anyway) and it meant my son and grandchild would own somewhere and be in a better financial position and paying less mortgage than their current rent...I would give them it.

sukitea · 29/09/2017 10:41

Hibernatinghorris is exactly right! Renting in that limbo of never knowing whether you are going to have to move and never being able to quite settle/decorate etc is shit!

Which is why you don't TTC whilst renting if you feel so insecure about it.

People seem to forget that you don't actually own your home until the mortgage is paid off. Seven years ago we were viewing rental properties and the amount of people who had had their houses repossessed and were not trying to rent was astounding.

sukitea · 29/09/2017 10:43

*and WERE trying to rent

hibernatinghorris · 29/09/2017 10:45

The problem also comes from needing to jump onto the ladder higher up then a natural progression.
Could you and your son buy a 1 bed flat, rent it out together? Not for them to live in but as a business this would give him the helping hand. In a few years they could sell it split or gift the profits (depending on your circumstances) and they could buy a house then that your not part of?

smiley well done on getting your home. Im hugely envious! Well done. Its that making a home and putting down roots isn't it. Its a horrible way to live, to just not know.

hibernatinghorris · 29/09/2017 10:46

suki
I fell pregnant on the pill and taking the morning after pill! Sometimes babies have other plans.

KarateKitten · 29/09/2017 10:51

Hiber OP said the gf said herself on Facebook they were TTC.

amornin · 29/09/2017 10:56

Lots to consider, OP. Most significantly that it would have to be a gift rather than a loan - my PIL had to sign documentation to prove they wouldn't require the money back.

Also, I know you said you can afford it so you feel guilty for not giving it. But sometimes the lesson it teaches your DC is far more valuable than the cash. Some things are much more important than money and the things it provides. I have a feeling your GCs would benefit parents who know responsibility and the value of what they have.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 29/09/2017 10:56

But why did you take the morning after pill if you were on the pill, hibernatinghorris?

Leilaniii · 29/09/2017 11:00

My ds has parental responsibility for him.

Are you sure about this? Sorry to ask.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 29/09/2017 11:02

I wondered that, too, Leilaniii (took me ages to type that!) I didn't think they gave PR like that.

SonicBoomBoom · 29/09/2017 11:03

I would be all for helping DC out financially when they are older.

But there is a massive difference between letting them work their bums off and save hard for a deposit, forgoing many holidays, nights out, fancy cars, and having babies early!, to do so, and then giving them a leg up to make their life a bit easier when they've done the hard work themselves.

And bailing out DC who refuse to stand on their own two feet and want all of the above without any of the effort or consideration and actually make reckless financial decisions because they've got their eye on other people's money to fund it.

MrsKoala · 29/09/2017 11:04

They seem to have problems communicating.

I doubt that. I think it's more likely he's just telling you what you want to hear and knows you are more likely to be sympathetic if he spins it as a surprise.

Anyway, personally it would depend on how old i was whether i gave them the money (it would be a gift - let's face it). DH and i are planning on giving the children as much money as we can to get them on the property ladder/comfortable as soon as possible. We are doing this because as older parents (40 when the kids were born) we worry that they will wait till 40+ to have children like we did - for financial reasons. That would mean we'd be 80 when the GC were born (if we even make that). So if getting them comfortable as early as possible means we get to meet our GC and spend as much time as possible with them then we see it as money well spent. (Mil didn't see our 3rd and only just saw ds2, Fil has dementia so isn't really 'present' and my parents are in their 70s. We feel our children are missing out on grandparents and as dh and i are only children, they really do have little family).

But, if i was young and they were young and already having dc and just expecting help, and one of them was not working etc i might reconsider.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 29/09/2017 11:05

I'm another who thinks the girlfriend will end up living in the house without your DS. I wouldn't put money into this, I'm afraid. He's only 25 anyway - that's very young to have a house. It would be different (for me) if they were married, both working hard and hadn't asked for help.

Bertsfriend · 29/09/2017 11:17

Could you buy the house with him? My dd has just bought a house and the vendors were father and daughter (her parents didn't like her partner as he was work shy).

Wormulonian · 29/09/2017 11:20

Would the house be owned in both their names or just your son's? If only your son is named on the deeds and they remain unmarried it is less likely that on (if) breaking up she would have a right to a half share of the house and to stay there until youngest child is 18. If married (no matter who "owns" the house)that gives the GF much greater rights.

I would talk to a solicitor about your options if you want to provide the money.It's a difficult one as they have not been together long. Does the gf seem very in love with your son and committed to him ?

Maryz · 29/09/2017 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hibernatinghorris · 29/09/2017 11:22

mybrilliant because i didn't want to be pregnant! Normally we used condoms and used the pill for problem periods but was religious about taking it and didn't have any reason to think it wouldn't work this time but wanted to be sure. It was also a time in the month when you 'shouldn't get pregnant either! So as i say, sometimes babies have different ideas.

1 in 4 families are renting now thats a big chunk. The average wage is £30,000 a year, thats a £150,000 mortgage you can potentially borrow. At what point can the average (not even poor) be allowed to have kids? Theres a massive argument i should have had an abortion, but i didn't expect that house prices would do what they have. Crystal balls and all that.

But the DIL was trying so different, i just wanted to demonstrate that sometimes you can do the "right" things but it doesn't work out that way.

Coffeeandcherrypie · 29/09/2017 11:23

I wouldn't unless I was willing to risk them separating and DS's girlfriend potentially remaining in the house purchased with your deposit, whilst he has to leave. It seems odd that she's posting about TTC while he seems unaware that they were trying for a baby.

^This

PerfectPenquins · 29/09/2017 11:24

No don't give them a penny your son clearly didn't realise you had seen his gf idiotic posts about trying to conceive when jobless what a joke.

Be glad they are postponing the wedding and be there for when it all goes to hell the. Help your son get a nice home so he can have his child at his for contact as I bet that's the future.

Chewbecca · 29/09/2017 11:27

No, I wouldn't. She needs to be encouraged to earn the £s needed to buy a house herself. She could get a job now, even if it shop work or something, save all her wages (given they're used to living without any £s she earns) & save up. Being pg does not prevent her working.

Alternatively, they will have to look at buying a less expensive property that they can afford now.

burninghigh · 29/09/2017 11:27

@RavingRoo no dodgy decisions here. I've been married 10 years and in time (with support!!!) my husband stepped up financially. We live a nice life, better than most.

I didn't have a baby I couldn't afford - I've already told you I (not my parents!) had enough money to buy a house and I had a good mat leave package. Thats not the point though. My situation could have been different. The op's son is having her grandchild. Why would you not want to help in her situation? Makes no sense to me.

Okay she might not want to give it to the girlfriend and she doesn't need to be on the mortgage if she is neither working or contributing (I didn't put my husband on the mortgage of our first house), and the loan can be tied up in the deeds as being first slug to be paid back, with interest if she wants.

The op might not like the life choices her son has made and might not like the girlfriend but they are having a baby and I find it shocking that you would not try and help them when you are able.

Different if the op is on the breadline but I suspect she is not. Like my inlaws who waste their money in Waitrose and the like. Their decision (and I can afford to shop there myself) but I judge them for that (and spending £1000's of inheritance from my dh's grandfather on shit they didn't need when my sister in law (their daughter) was never able to get out of rented accommodation.