lending ds money for mortgage deposit - and pregnancy - wwyd?

[mymorningbeautyroutine]

WWYD in this situation?

My 25yo son lives with his gf. They’ve been together 2 years and are getting married next May. His gf has a 4yo ds from a previous relationship. My ds has parental responsibility for him.

DS and gf went to look at some houses in the summer, found one they liked, put in an offer, applied for a mortgage.

Then 2 weeks ago ds drops a bombshell - his gf is pregnant. Baby is due next June - so they’re probably going to postpone their wedding.
This also puts into jeopardy their house buying as his gf won’t be able to work and then will have maternity leave. She’s not working at the moment.

DS told us last night that their mortgage has been turned down because the mortgage company isn’t happy that they have enough money coming in to pay the mortgage.

DS dropped hints about us lending them money for a bigger deposit. DH and I had been thinking about this, but now that ds’s gf is pregnant, we feel, why should we? We had to wait to save up to get married and have a baby – why are they trying to do everything at once??

DS’s attitude to his gf’s pregnancy is really odd too – he keeps saying things like ‘it’s a big surprise, we weren’t expecting to get pg’, but his gf has been posting on FB for months saying that they’re ttc! And really, if you have unprotected sex then you must know there’s a risk of getting pg…

I think he’s been really careless/blasé about this huge decision, and that they should have waited.

So, are we being mean by not lending them money? WWYD?

I'm honestly not one of those people who spouts crap about "well why did you have so many dc" when a poster is struggling but some of the posts here are just . It turns out there actually are people who think they can have whatever they want and in laws or anyone else can finance them! I guess my sibling and their partner may not be quite as unusual as I'd hoped.

Op FWIW I know you'll get people telling you that you sound judgmental the worst possible sin on MN but based on what you've outlined I'd say your concerns are valid. You are not describing two responsible, mature people here. Now maybe that will come in time and if so you might reconsider but right now I wouldn't risk it.

We had to wait to save up to get married and have a baby – why are they trying to do everything at once??

My DM always goes on about the yoof of today wanting everything at once, and speaks of when she got married she had newspaper on the windows for curtains for months before they could afford curtains I do think there is truth in that though; I see a lot of this entitled attitude.

OP I really want to give my dc a head start property wise but i would be wary in your ds' case. His DP is not working, so repayment wise it sounds as if they would be very limited. i would worry in your case that they will then approach you or drop hints that they need help in repaying every month. They might then need you for childcare so that your DIL can work. I also don't understand this "can't afford to get married" business. You can get married for £100. Your ds needs to grow up and prioritise now that he has a 2nd dc coming. Tell them to forget about the dream wedding and save for a house instead.

hiber I also rent with dc. They haven't been able to decorate rooms, although they can add plenty of their own things. I have tried to make the garden as nice as possible. I made the choice to have dc knowing that I don't own a home for them to grow up in. Why then should it be up to my parents to provide this?

I was really shocked at the lack of financial support that came my now dh's way when he was 25 and I was pregnant

Wow, seriously? He was 25, not 15! Why should your dh get financial support for getting you pregnant?

You say lending but the reality is you will almost certainly never see a penny of it back. If you're happy with that, can afford it and want to subsidise their poor life choices then go ahead. Don't fall for the "I'll pay you back, honest" line.

I do think at 21 they do not 'need' a house right now. She's very young. And how come she's told everyone she's pregnant so early?!

I'd sit them down and say you will help, but probably in about five years time when things are a little more established.

If you do lend the money, in a few years down the line I don't think your DS will be living in the house himself, but he and you will be supporting those that are living there.

They're still young. They can rent for a good few years yet. They can't get a mortgage now, they can't afford it. Let alone with a loan to pay on top of it.

It all sounds a bit funny to me. Maybe its just the way you have put the story across.

Of course the decision is yours. They are young and getting pregnant is foolish. They've known each other 2years and already your son is the first child's 'dad'. All rushed I think.

What's his girlfriends financial status? Does she have a career? or just a job? what are her expectations?

I think you might be better off letting them rent for 2/3 years and seeing where that takes them. If they get a mortgage then your money might be better spent helping out then.

Of course if you have a few hundred thousand in the bank then give them some money. Don't forget to think about your own security when dishing out money. Paying their mortgage deposit does not necessarily mean they stay close in your lives.

I'd talk to a solicitor about how it would be possible to lend them money but protect your investment - so buy a house as tenants in common with you owning 25% of it - or whatever someone actually qualified recommends.

My parents friends have done this with their children - given them some money for a deposit but offered more money on top if they were named on the deeds (or whatever) as 1. it meant their children could buy something bigger/nicer and 2. they got a nice return on their investment. The children could buy them out (at market rates) at any point, or pay them back on their next house purchase. It's worked out well for the parents, DC and their partners.

They are very young, and it's hardly like the biological clock was ticking with a need to rush parenthood.

They should have waited to buy a house, and she should get a job.

I wouldn't lend the money, they have time to get on the property ladder in the future.

She is 21 and already has 2 kids with another one on its way and now wants you to fund their entitled lifestyle.

Just No....

She is clearly not great at making responsible grown up decisions and at 21 is now going to be the mother of 3 kids.

I like the PP who says maybe in 5 years time.

Most people plan things out, save money, work their way towards things. They were actively trying to conceive, it sounds like they want everything and they want it NOW. Fuck saving towards a deposit, fuck waiting til you're settled before trying to conceive - lets just get mum and dad to help out. I think its wrong.

Having read your other post, she sounds grabby and pretty astoundingly entitled. I dont like this attitude she seema to have regarding money. Its not her fault the bio father doesnt contribute but if her kid is full time at nursery why wouldnt her priority be working to help contribute towards saving for a deposit and providing for her son?
Probably because having another baby and letting your son and you do the heavy financial lifting is more pleasant for her. On what planet do you just get to do and have whatever you want without compromising or working towards things?

No. No way. No fucking way! Do not do this.

If they werent trying to conceive my answer would be different.

Guaranteed in 5 years time she'll be living alone in the house you coughed up for.

How old are her 2 children? You've only mentioned the 4 year old.

Everyone's own experiences and circumstances of course colour their view. My parents could never have afforded to help me get on the property ladder, it's something I had to do myself. But I'm so happy I'll be able to help my children as I think it's going to be almost impossible for them by the time they're thinking about that.

They need to look at houses that they can afford without anyone else footing the bill.
It cost me all my savings when I did this for my daughter and her husband as she saw it as a gift(unbeknown to me at that time) even though we had agreed repayment terms. They knew that it was all I and that I needed the money back.
3years later I was forced to stop work due to serious illness and I had no savings as they both refused to pay back the money.

Daughter's response was that it was my own fault for agreeing to "give them the money" in the first place and that she would never ask for my help again!!!!!

She inherited money from her father who I was divorced from a few years later and still would not pay back what she borrowed!

So unless you are prepared to give them the money and not expect it back do not under any circumstances help them out with the deposit because there is every chance you will not be paid back.

Hibernatinghorris is exactly right! Renting in that limbo of never knowing whether you are going to have to move and never being able to quite settle/decorate etc is shit!
I think if you can afford it and if they are looking at a sensible house option... i.e. They are not just looking at a mansion they can't afford when there is a nice 3 bed semi round the corner they can afford, then I would give them the money. Once they have the baby it will be even harder for them to save up and buy a house!
We have just recently managed to buy a house and it's nearly killed us saving up what we needed! My parents lent us the last £4000 and I am so grateful, we also pay almost half mortgage to what we did rent so for us it's been an absolute lifeline.
Also, it may sound dramatic but it has changed our lives in other ways, we now have lovely furniture and we are saving much more each month, our children have proper bedrooms with shelves up and they chose their decor, I cook more because we designed our own kitchen and it works. It's so much more than a house, it's now our home!
We did things backwards too and had kids first and it was difficult and we paid the consequences!
In terms of the baby, what is done is done now so don't make it harder for them if you don't need to

If the baby is due in June has she even actually missed a period to know she is pregnant? I worked out I fell pregnant with my eldest DD around the 15th of September and she was due on 8th of June.....

Something doesn't add up from the pregnancy point.

Has she done one of those pre-period type pregnancy tests? Otherwise her dates don't really match up.

Definitely don't give them the money. They're young and there's nothing wrong with renting for a few more years. DP and I moved into a lovely rental home a year ago and it's fantastic. Sure it cripples us paying rent and saving every month & we can't decorate at all including DSD's bedroom. But it's really not the end of the world. I think going through the process of saving really makes you appreciate it all the more when you can afford to buy.

As far as I know the building society will ask you for a letter stating the money is a gift as they don't want anyone else having a financial interest in the house. Are you happy to sign something like that? Depends on your relationship I suspect, I would trust my kids but I don't know your son or his partner.

In my opinion, you'd be mad to put any money their way.

She will end up with a house funded by you and your DS, OP. I wouldn't be surprised unlike GF when she got pg whilst TTC (wtf) if it happened pretty soon after new baby was born and DS's limited ability to fund everything became apparent.

Sorry, I realise im being very judgy but it she sounds like she's spotted a meal ticket to me.

No I wouldn't lend them the money under these circumstances. If you could afford to just give the money to them that would be different. But a loan when there is already financial pressure of another baby on the way could really cause problems. Of course you must do as you see fit but I would tread cautiously. They could buy a cheaper house.

The people questioning dates - I think she could be five weeks and have a June due date. That is, of course, very early days (I've had three miscarriages so I'm always shocked by other people considering early pregnancy a done deal), and probably one more reason for OP to be cautious and to try and avoid either making any commitments or burning any bridges right now.

No. It's not like they'll be homeless. My dream is to be able to gift a house to each of my sons when they get married. If they were in this kind of situation and I could afford it o would just give them the deposit/buy the whole house and pay for the wedding but I don't tystbyiu would be wrong not to.

Just re-read the opening post. Sorry. . No don't lend or give them the money.