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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

lending ds money for mortgage deposit - and pregnancy - wwyd?

219 replies

mymorningbeautyroutine · 29/09/2017 09:27

WWYD in this situation?

My 25yo son lives with his gf. They’ve been together 2 years and are getting married next May. His gf has a 4yo ds from a previous relationship. My ds has parental responsibility for him.

DS and gf went to look at some houses in the summer, found one they liked, put in an offer, applied for a mortgage.

Then 2 weeks ago ds drops a bombshell - his gf is pregnant. Baby is due next June - so they’re probably going to postpone their wedding.
This also puts into jeopardy their house buying as his gf won’t be able to work and then will have maternity leave. She’s not working at the moment.

DS told us last night that their mortgage has been turned down because the mortgage company isn’t happy that they have enough money coming in to pay the mortgage.

DS dropped hints about us lending them money for a bigger deposit. DH and I had been thinking about this, but now that ds’s gf is pregnant, we feel, why should we? We had to wait to save up to get married and have a baby – why are they trying to do everything at once??

DS’s attitude to his gf’s pregnancy is really odd too – he keeps saying things like ‘it’s a big surprise, we weren’t expecting to get pg’, but his gf has been posting on FB for months saying that they’re ttc! And really, if you have unprotected sex then you must know there’s a risk of getting pg…

I think he’s been really careless/blasé about this huge decision, and that they should have waited.

So, are we being mean by not lending them money? WWYD?

OP posts:
Isetan · 30/09/2017 09:24

Don't, at best they both sound immature and at worst I don't think they're been as open as they could have been. Did they really get a mortgage on one income? I suspect that your 'contribution' was always in play.

Essentially you would be are giving them the gift of a large sum of money with the knowledge that neither of them are particularly responsible. How the hell does your son not know that his wife to be is planning on having children sooner rather than later, especially when she's telling the world on Facebook? He's either incredibly naive or dishonest and neither trait is one I'd want to support financially.

It may feel mean not to financially support them now but think of it as not setting a precedent, whereby the Bank of Mum and Dad is always open.

sunseptember · 30/09/2017 09:24

Such vitriol for a question. Such degeneration over a young girl starting to family. Maybe she is genuine, in love, made made a mistake and just wants family unit and security. What's wrong with asking a question? Maybe she will be best mother ever?!

Ktown · 30/09/2017 09:26

A friends parents bought a house and let the couple live in it for a peppercorn rent. No names on the deeds and certainly not for someone who isn't working.
Neither have great judgement by the sounds of it, so i wouldn't hand over any money.

sunseptember · 30/09/2017 09:34

We went to broker many moons ago when starting out and we had a few hurdles to get over, it's not impossible that I broker has promised or led them to believe something but the bank said no

sunseptember · 30/09/2017 09:36

Just wondering what the alternative will will be, if they don't get a house

however it's done ie in ops name or her on deeds etc.
If they manage to get mortgage they will pay mortgage and own something, if they don't their rent will be going into someone's else's pockets

bigfatbumfreak · 30/09/2017 09:41

The worst thing is the 'hinting'. He's not honest enough to ask, he wants you to suggest and therefore absolve himself, and when it goes tits up say well you offered. It sound like he's not owning his responsibility, and he's going to be a father. No, I would say no.

sunseptember · 30/09/2017 09:53

But if he can't ask out right whose fault is that? I was perfectly happy to ask df when I needed money over years and he could also ask me, very rarely but I also offered or paid for quite a bit of stuff for him especially in his latter years when his pension got t
Fucked up.
Sometimes he said no he didn't have any! It was wonderful to have that sort of relationship. I hope I have same with my dc. I hope they could ask me outright and I could discuss it with them yes, no maybe.

vintagesewingmachine · 30/09/2017 10:09

Just don't do it. Bitter experience here. Hint dropping, big sighs: give in once and you will be giving them carte blanche to try and tap you every time they are a bit skint or they want something they cannot afford. They are adults and should behave as such. Enabling them is doing them no favours in the longer term.

specialsubject · 30/09/2017 10:18

The girl already has a family, two kids at 21. Obviously she didn't do that unaided, same with the new pregnancy, but neither she nor her partners are thinking straight.

grannytomine · 30/09/2017 10:20

If you can afford it, OP, I'd suggest buying a property with a BTL mortgage and renting it to them We found most mortgage lenders wouldn't agree to that, they specifically said no to close family renting. I think it i s because they think there will be problems if they don't pay the rent but you won't evict them and then can't pay the mortgage.

It might have changed as this was about 5 years ago but we couldn't find a mortgage lender that would do it.

CurlsandCurves · 30/09/2017 10:31

I could be wrong but I think most btl mortgages come with the condition that you are not intending to let to family.

Sounds like you're not getting the full story, op. They had a mortgage offer but now it's been turned down because she's pregnant? And unable to work, even tho she wasn't working in the first place? No, something not right here....

Justanothernap · 30/09/2017 12:17

Clearly people see things very differently to my family. My gran helped my parents by their first house, my parents helped me, I intend to help my kids. (My in laws also helped)

It's different if parents can't afford to help and would go without. But if you can giving your kids a leg up is nice no? No one else is going to do it.

Appreciate OPs situation is a bit more complex. Would you consider it if the house is in son's name & frank talk re financial responsibility is had beforehand?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/09/2017 12:19

oldie

Would you expect any member of their household to still even talk to you after you call the mother of your grandchild a cheating whore, demand that they disadvantage their family to appease your sense of morality despite the fact it's likely to make them less able to pay you back, demand personal information that is nothing to do with you about someone who is nothing to do with them then insist they obtain a none legally binding agreement?

sunseptember · 30/09/2017 12:42

Grin well put need sock.

She will end up on these programs as the poor sweet granny who never gets to see her gc because her evil dil drove her away.

smellylittleorange · 30/09/2017 13:23

I'm sorry but I am disturbed about the amount of people branding the girlfriend a 'golddigger' but not calling out OPs son who is the one after all who is hinting for the money ...how do you know it's not all orchestrated by him ..she could be perfectly happy living where she is but because she has a son by previous partner everyone is just assuming she is some kind of golddigger.

BananaShit · 30/09/2017 13:27

She has not worked regularly since I have known her - and as soon as her ds is in FT nursery/preschool, she gets pg again??!

She is 21 - she had no reason to think she'd have trouble getting pg as she has two dc.

There's a lot of 'she' here for something that was a joint endeavour OP. By all means don't give them the money, but do understand that your son is just as responsible for this situation as she is (and if it's been on her FB that they're TTC, it won't have come as any surprise to him either). She hasn't impregnated herself.

19lottie82 · 30/09/2017 14:56

We don't know what's happened here, as someone has pointed out the gf and the son could have made a conscious descision to TTC but he just doesn't want to tell the OP.
Likewise the gf could have come off the pill ect and not told the son. If a couple is in a serious relationship and decide not to use condoms then it's up to the man to trust the woman to take care of it if she says she is using alternative contraception.

smellylittleorange · 30/09/2017 15:07

what Banashit said so much better than me

Oldie2017 · 30/09/2017 15:19

I thought my conditions were quite reasonable (and I have by the way already helped three adult children to buy and I am on good terms with everyone).

What is wrong with a DNA test? I would be more than happy to have one to prove my children's parentage. I think it's a perfectly reasonable thing. Women con men every day of the week over this kind of thing and this young man didn't expect a pregnancy (probably because the baby is someone else's so no wonder he is surprised). People in our family consult over and discuss wills and pre nups and cohabitation agreements by the way openly and happily. Prenups have indicative force if properly done.

They could consider making a loan not a gift but it depends on if there will be a mortgage as well. Lenders are not then keen if the family have made a loan not a gift for the deposit.

MillicentFawcett · 30/09/2017 15:23

WTF Oldie? 'probably because the baby is someone else's?!'

Shock
19lottie82 · 30/09/2017 15:36

Oldie, your suggestions are ridiculous.
If my Mother or MIL suggested anything like this i would tell them under no circumstances to go fuck themselves.

Not lending them money? Fine.

DNA tests and prenups? Wow.

BananaShit · 30/09/2017 15:40

If the girlfriend has been facebooking for months about TTC, it isn't realistic to suppose she came off the pill without him knowing.

sunseptember · 30/09/2017 15:46

Oldie would you agree op needs dna too then, ops son doesn't have proof who his parents are op could have had an affair

Dumbo412 · 30/09/2017 15:46

Oldie- it wouldn't have come as a surprise to him that she's pregnant if it's on her Facebook they are TTC, because it's unlikely he doesn't have her on his Facebook

Taylor22 · 30/09/2017 16:30

Pre nuptials in the U.K. Are just very expensive paper. They can be easily overturned by a judge during a divorce.