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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

lending ds money for mortgage deposit - and pregnancy - wwyd?

219 replies

mymorningbeautyroutine · 29/09/2017 09:27

WWYD in this situation?

My 25yo son lives with his gf. They’ve been together 2 years and are getting married next May. His gf has a 4yo ds from a previous relationship. My ds has parental responsibility for him.

DS and gf went to look at some houses in the summer, found one they liked, put in an offer, applied for a mortgage.

Then 2 weeks ago ds drops a bombshell - his gf is pregnant. Baby is due next June - so they’re probably going to postpone their wedding.
This also puts into jeopardy their house buying as his gf won’t be able to work and then will have maternity leave. She’s not working at the moment.

DS told us last night that their mortgage has been turned down because the mortgage company isn’t happy that they have enough money coming in to pay the mortgage.

DS dropped hints about us lending them money for a bigger deposit. DH and I had been thinking about this, but now that ds’s gf is pregnant, we feel, why should we? We had to wait to save up to get married and have a baby – why are they trying to do everything at once??

DS’s attitude to his gf’s pregnancy is really odd too – he keeps saying things like ‘it’s a big surprise, we weren’t expecting to get pg’, but his gf has been posting on FB for months saying that they’re ttc! And really, if you have unprotected sex then you must know there’s a risk of getting pg…

I think he’s been really careless/blasé about this huge decision, and that they should have waited.

So, are we being mean by not lending them money? WWYD?

OP posts:

jacks11 · 30/09/2017 16:56

If there are concerns about their ability to make the mortgage payments, then I think you would be more than justified in refusing to give them the cash. As others have said, mortgage company will not accept a loan so you'd have to gift it to them. In any case, if they are struggling with the mortgage repayments, they'll hardly be in a position to pay you back. Even if you could afford it, I don't think I'd do it right now. I'm not convinced you'd be doing them a favour. There are other ways you can help.

On a separate note, I am concerned at the number of people who think they have some sort of right to their parents/in laws cash to pay for a house deposit. And if the parents won't cough up, the are "making it more difficult" or somehow doing something terrible to them.

If you, as an adult, want to have children or buy a house then it's up to you to work out how you are going to afford that. If you can't, then it's not really on to expect others to pay for your choices. If you make a mistake (unexpected pregnancy) and that means you can't afford to buy the house you'd like as a result.... well, that's how things go. You take responsibility for your own lives.

MrsKoala · 30/09/2017 16:58

McPound - why would they need to agree anything It's not conditional on them having babies. We want to buy them all a house regardless and if then they feel more able to have children (if they want them) earlier rather than later then we benefit from seeing our GC more as well.

My parents are gutted i waited so long, they adore the grandchildren and the dc adore them. It's going to be devastating telling a 10 year old their beloved GP is dead. I had all mine till i was mid 30s. Dh's Mum died 2 years ago and she was so upset that she wouldn't see the GC grow up.

We certainly wouldn't say you only get the house/money if you immediately start popping sprogs. And as i said they may not want any at all or may want to wait till older out of choice which of course will be their decision and i doubt we'd even discuss it with them. I just know if i was in a better financial position (living in London/SE) when i was 30 i would have rather had dc then than at 40.

I also never expected anything from my parents and never got it. Neither did DH (till his Mum died). Despite both our parents being very comfortably off. We didn't even consider them giving us anything - so it's not that.

chanie44 · 30/09/2017 17:05

I suspect, from the way in which the OP was written is that the DS and SIL viewed a property before getting mortgage advice. Thy put in an offer which was accepted and then discovered that their mortgage application was rejected. The pregnancy announcement is being used as the excuse for the mortgage rejection.

I had help from my parents for my deposit and I absolutely think that parents should help if they can. I intend to do so for my children if I can, but I do expect them do their part too. This means being able to get a mortgage in the first place, as it's highly unlikely I'll be able to pay their mortgages.

I don't think the DIL is necessary a gold digger, but the pair of them don't seem to understand how mortgages work.

teaandcakeat8 · 30/09/2017 17:23

Were you planning on helping your DS out with a deposit anyway? If you were, I don't think you can refuse the funds because you just dislike his choice is partner. If lending money wasn't on the cards, I don't think that the pregnancy changes anything. It's not a necessity that the parent lends money for the house deposit - my parents certainly didn't.

As pp have said, if you do lend the money it sounds like you might have a hard time getting it back. It sounds like your son would be financially stretching himself to pay a mortgage let alone deposit repayment on top.

Do they have some money saved for a deposit? Is it possible to adjust their budget accordingly? A broker would advise how much they can afford and which banks are likely to lend to them - suggesting this to your son might be of more practical help?

FABrick · 30/09/2017 17:25

I'm of the same opinion as MrsKoala, (and we also had our kids late). We are actively saving/investing so that or DC can get whatever help we can give them if they wish to get on the property ladder. It was hard enough to buy in the 2000s when I did, and it will be even worse for our children in another 20 years. I'd rather help them with the gift of a few thousand pounds than see them wasting money on rent, renting somewhere that they don't feel is theirs, and/or delaying children because of it. That said, I do hope they don't have kids at 25. But if they do, so be it, I hope we are in a position to help them. I certainly wouldn't be sitting with £10 or £20k in the bank in savings when it could be giving them a much-appreciated hand up.

OP, where is the second child that the GF already has?

Oldie2017 · 30/09/2017 17:28

(There is the Radmacher case, though isn't there on pre nups. They have indicative force if both sides have legal advice, they are made well before the wedding, both parties fully disclose assets and income and they are a fair settlement to both sides).

Jasminedes · 30/09/2017 17:31

I don't think I would in your position. Offer practical help and close relationship instead, and a token financial amount (towards deposit or for a cheap holiday).

CathyMedici · 30/09/2017 17:39

Why do people keep saying the gf has 2 kids already? I read it as she had one.

DS told us last night that their mortgage has been turned down because the mortgage company isn’t happy that they have enough money coming in to pay the mortgage

Then they can't afford to buy a house.

User02 · 30/09/2017 17:52

I noticed that the OP has not come back.
I LENT money to see how responsible DCs and OHs would be.
I did this fully aware that I would not starve if they failed to repay.
One OH very early on started pressuring for more money.
Another DC was repaying fine then had a change of partner. Payments stopped.
Someone mentioned grandchildren being kept away. Even if you do pay up the money grandchildren can be kept away.
Another PP mentioned about how much money was the GF's family putting into the pot. If it is anything like my case that would be nothing at all.
I hate not helping my DCs but on the other hand I am not a complete idiot. There had to be a line where I decide not another penny. I am expected to pay to be able to see the babies. That is not a normal way of working things. Nor is it normal (to me anyway) not to share.
Think we should stick with the saying "never a borrower or lender be".
As far as this mortgage is concerned Banks have hundreds of years experience of lending money and if they are not happy to lend to the DS I would take that as good advice for me not to lend or give.

happypoobum · 30/09/2017 17:56

She is 21 - she had no reason to think she'd have trouble getting pg as she has two dc.

OP posted this 29 Sept 10.02

We know one of the DC is four and lives with her and OPs DS. Don't know how old the other child is or who they live with.

BananaShit · 30/09/2017 18:25

There is the Radmacher case, but the reality with prenups is that you can't assume they'll definitely hold up. Personally I tend to think of them as like the legal equivalent of a bulletproof vest. If you feel you need one, it might not be enough!

Also if, as I suspect, this is going to end up on the Mail website or similar, I saw Paul Dacre and Matthew Wright having intercourse with my goldfish. Whilst getting pissed on by Rupert Murdoch. Honest.

CathyMedici · 30/09/2017 18:38

Thanks happypoobum.

So gf has one child from previous relationship. Is the other child OP's DS's child?

Or is the OP BS?

Alanna1 · 30/09/2017 18:50

I would probably be quite hard nosed and would say I'd consider lending the money if she had a job, but not if she didn't, as even though she wouldn't get paid maternity leave she'll still have maternity rights, i.e a job to go back to. Plus otherwise my child's money would go on rent rather than a mortgage...

Original poster

mymorningbeautyroutine · 30/09/2017 20:53

Thanks, all.

To clear up some things: DS's gf has one dc already. This will be her second. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

Yes, DS has PR.

His gf has worked on and off when she and ds have been together, but has had zero hours contracts and problems with childcare (if she had to work when ds was at work).

PG dates - she's due sooner than June. Changed some things to be less identifiable.

OP posts:

Oldie2017 · 01/10/2017 07:47

Good luck with the baby.

If they do not earn enough to get a mortgage and what you will give them is not enough to buy a house outright then I suppose that's the end of it. They will have to rent.

Bachingupthewrongtree · 01/10/2017 08:52

As a lawyer and from what I have seen happen to close friends and family, I would caution strongly against this. On a worse case scenario, you will lose both your son and your money. Just don't go there!

Tinkerbec · 01/10/2017 10:32

. If I were to start a thread about them I'd be accused of lying, trolling etc due to some of the carry on over the years! They are a very extreme example mind you but it's taught me that allowing a dpendent situation develop can be very damaging in families.

This sounds like my family and it is still going on.

Bachingupthewrongtree · 01/10/2017 11:44

I do think that money and property can cause a lot of problems, especially in families where the parties' expectations may be different, and where there are third parties involved ie spouses, partners etc.

Bachingupthewrongtree · 02/10/2017 06:32

What have you decided OP?

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