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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel unable to tell anyone we are "poor" now DH has lost his job?

133 replies

paislieprint · 21/09/2017 18:18

I meed to make it absolutely clear that this is not a begging thread. Compartively we are still in a better position then most in the UK. If someone DOES PM me making an offer of money I will just delete it so please don't.

This is just about support for me.

DH has lost his job. The circumstances were difficult which means finding another job will be difficult.

Things we never used to worry about like children's shoes, food for for pets, haircuts and birthday presents are now a source of worry and negotiation and shifting things around.

I feel also bizarrely ashamed. Ashamed he lost his job, ashamed to tell people (who are almost exclusively middle class) we just can't afford the casual things they take for granted.

OP posts:
AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 21/09/2017 18:21

Sorry to hear about your trouble, I'm guessing your DH was sacked under less-than-ideal circumstances which is why you don't want to tell people? If that's the case YANBU. Flowers

Geepee71 · 21/09/2017 18:22

I can understand how you feel, it's tough worrying about money and hard in the situation you're in. I was embarrassed when I was made redundant, it does affect your feeling of self-worth.
Hope your family manage to get back on track soon.

Mulch · 21/09/2017 18:25

You dont have to tell people. It's nobodies business. People that would love to gossip about such things aren't worth knowing. Worrying about being midde class is such a horrible waste of time.

Original poster
paislieprint · 21/09/2017 18:25

Thanks.

I feel really strange. Like I am slowly shifting from one world to another.

OP posts:
Curiositykilledthecat113 · 21/09/2017 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2017 18:26

You should not feel one once of embarrassment or shame. Living frugally doesn't necessarily have anything to do with your income, and you can simply approach it from that standpoint if you're not wanting to tell people about your husband losing his job. If anyone does ask about your of spending, which for one is incredibly rude and they are no friend of yours, you can just say you and your husband are making a huge effort to save for retirement and university expenses for the children (if that applies). You don't need to justify anything to anyone.

zeebeedee · 21/09/2017 18:27

I understand where you're coming from, my DH isn't working at the moment due to his MH issues. I do say he's not working, but don't go into details of his employment being terminated on capacity grounds because he couldn't cope with it.

Can you adjust in such a way that he does the child care (for example) and you can tell people that he's having some time being a SAHD, which will explain the lower income etc

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/09/2017 18:27

It sounds as if the circumstances of your husband's job loss are more irksome and upsetting to you than the actual loss of the job. You sound very much as if you're a roll-your-sleeves-up-and-get-on-with-it person/people but this has blindsided you because on some level, your husband has let you down and you feel that it reflects on you.

Perhaps it will to some people but those who know and love you just won't give a stuff. You just need to make those who would make something of it very small in your consciousness so that they don't matter because sooner or later, this is going to get out.

I'm very sorry for your troubles at the moment but am please that you can still manage albeit on a reduced scale for a bit. Your husband needs to try to get back into work as soon as he can, in whatever (reasonable) capacity he can; it will help the family finances and his mental wellbeing if he can do that.

Best wishes to you Thanks

lookingbeyond40 · 21/09/2017 18:28

Bit uncalled for curiosity. I maybe wrong but she never mentioned she solely relied on her husband for a wage?

Do you enjoy kicking people whilst they are down?

No advice OP, but just wanted to show some support x

MyBrilliantDisguise · 21/09/2017 18:29

Curiositykilledthecat113 You sound like a real bitch.

The best thing would be for your husband to look for something in a completely different area of work - would he be able to retrain? You don't have to tell anyone anything. Would you consider moving areas?

coddiwomple · 21/09/2017 18:29

It's hard, but there's nothing to be ashamed of. I have always told people around me that I couldn't afford plenty of things - even if I could - to avoid jealousy or as an excuse to decline things. Most of us have been made redundant at one point or another, it really isn't a big deal for most people. If someone is rude and judgmental, cut them out of your life.

There are threads to give you a lot of advice on living with a very small budget. You do need to learn to shop differently, and look at possible way to earn some cash (such as renting out a bedroom if you can)

good luck

Original poster
paislieprint · 21/09/2017 18:29

It isn't about caviar, it is about casual questions regarding holidays, schooling, tutoring, music lessons and the like.

Anyway it is hard to explain. I suppose what I mean is that when everyone you know has a certain level of income, it's easy to feel sad about your lot. As for relying on DHs income, fwiw I agree. However, life can be more complex than that.

OP posts:
maxthemartian · 21/09/2017 18:29

What a spiteful post curiosity.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/09/2017 18:29

Curiosity, what a bitchy, jealous post from you. Did you really need to type that? Is your bile that uncontrollable that you need to kick someone when they're down. What a lot it says about YOU. Urgh.

Timefortea99 · 21/09/2017 18:30

Ignore the harsh words Paislie - hope you get back on track soon. Many years ago I went from being comfortably off to having very little money. Thankfully it only lasted a while but it was scary. It makes you value money more when you have it. Unless you are stonkingly rich it is suprisingly easy to become short of money when circumstances change. It could happen to your friends too. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

SabineUndine · 21/09/2017 18:31

curiosity that's way out of order.

OP isn't it the circumstances of your husband losing his job rather than being broke that make it hard? There's no shame in being badly off.

coddiwomple · 21/09/2017 18:31

Curiositykilledthecat113 if you are that bitter about your own life, why don't you get yourself a decent job and concentrate on improving your own circumstances? Smile

picklemepopcorn · 21/09/2017 18:32

It is really difficult to adjust, when your social habits involve spending a lot of money.

If your friends are genuine friends, they won't judge you. However, they may well not realise that you can't do things you used to if you don't tell them. You can be tactful about it at first- 'can we do something simpler this week, we're having a tight month'. Eventually you'll need to tell them. They can't support you through a stressful time if they don't know.

superspidey · 21/09/2017 18:33

Curiosity - what a nasty jealous piece of work you are.

OP - I have been in a very similar situation and I agree, it is very difficult to let people know your change in circs without drawing lots of attention to the reasons why and trying to keep a certain level of pretence going. Your business is your own and you don't owe anyone any info....but in reality it's really hard saying you can't meet for coffee when you always did, you can't pay your share in the tea jar, you can't afford family gatherings or birthday presents and it's hard not to end up pushing people away. YANBU

Original poster
paislieprint · 21/09/2017 18:34

Honestly, don't worry about curiosity - I do agree with her anyway although it could have been worded a bit more gently! And in a way we are still lucky. It is just difficult to adjust.

OP posts:
Shakey15000 · 21/09/2017 18:36

Don't feel ashamed Flowers

DH is no longer well enough to work and was dismissed from his last job on capability grounds. I'm also unwell and off sick from FT work until I've recovered from surgery, which has been cancelled TWICE in the last two weeks Angry

We've a mortgage/bills and a DS. However, we're both of an age where we don't give a toss what anyone thinks. In fact we've had some lovely offers of practical help like lifts to hospital, taking DS to school etc so you might be surprised?

I hope things improve for you. As you said it helps me greatly to count the good stuff

upperlimit · 21/09/2017 18:36

It isn't about caviar, it is about casual questions regarding holidays, schooling, tutoring, music lessons and the like

If these were casual questions, you would answer them casually. I think you consider these probing questions, the drip, drip, drip of confirmation that you are one of them. So, you can either fake it, at least temporarily or just be honest and see how the land lies. Genuine friends won't care.

Timefortea99 · 21/09/2017 18:36

Paislie - you may not have much money but you have plenty of grace.

Flowers
scrabbler3 · 21/09/2017 18:37

Don't feel awful OP. You'll get through this. And you've nothing to be ashamed about.

coddiwomple · 21/09/2017 18:37

buy a tin opener and display it proudly. Your friends should get the message Grin

(reference to that thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3039516-Dsis-says-she-can-tell-we-are-poor-by
)