To feel unable to tell anyone we are "poor" now DH has lost his job?

[paislieprint]

I meed to make it absolutely clear that this is not a begging thread. Compartively we are still in a better position then most in the UK. If someone DOES PM me making an offer of money I will just delete it so please don't.

This is just about support for me.

DH has lost his job. The circumstances were difficult which means finding another job will be difficult.

Things we never used to worry about like children's shoes, food for for pets, haircuts and birthday presents are now a source of worry and negotiation and shifting things around.

I feel also bizarrely ashamed. Ashamed he lost his job, ashamed to tell people (who are almost exclusively middle class) we just can't afford the casual things they take for granted.

You are shifting from one world to another. Being poor is scary if you aren't used to it. On the other hand, you find reserves of ingenuity that you never knew you had, and it makes you appreciate the little things a lot more. If you have family and friends around, and if one of you is able bodied and able to work, then you'll never be starving in the streets. Most of the things you think you need are utter crap anyway. People these days are loaded down with stuff, and it's all just landfill crap. The only things really worth paying for is housing security and education. Maybe a car to get you to work. The rest is window dressing. If you feel embarrassed, just tell everyone you've decided to live a more ethical lifestyle. We used to be poor as fuck, still not exactly rolling in it, but I like to pretend it's bohemian and frugal. Lots of free stuff, books, classical music, blackberry picking in the woods, and charity shopping because we care about the planet and are skint
I almost convince myself at times

I remember my husband's business going bust and having to shower and wash my hair with cheap washing up liquid. Luckily, my kids were older, so I didn't have to say no to everything they asked for, they understood. Poor you, your proper friends won't care, they'll empathise.

There but for the grace of god... and that is most of us. A lot of people have been on that situation- you're not the first and certainly won't be the last. See where you can make savings - you don't know how long it will last and you need to prioritise.

People don't need to know your ins and outs - but if your family isn't earning what they were, then people will understand a bit of belt tightening.

I think you will find, as you go in life that more people than you think have gone through situations like yours.
Of course it is hard.
Good luck.

CAT - how utterly mean spirited of you. Spite is a terrible affliction.

This is where you find out who your true friends are.
Tell them. It will come out in time anyway.
You never know, your circle of friends may provide the contact to the next job. Get networking!

Get over to the credit crunch and money matters section pronto and spend some time in there to get some tips on how to economise. Don't feel awful or bury your head in the sand! Take the bull by the horns, you can do this. Both of you can start looking for jobs, too, any job is better than none.

When you say "the circumstances were difficult" what do you mean? Was he fired?

Do you work OP? Can you increase hours!"? You'll need to cut your cloth accordingly and just keep going until things pick up. It's also not really anybody's business.

My DH and I are relatively well off and if someone told me they'd fallen on difficult times then I'd be nothing but supportive. If your middle class friends are not supportive then I think you need to rethinn who your pals are

people lose their jobs all the time and just fine another job. I appreciate it is not always that easy but you make it sound as if it is the end of the world when it rarely is.

sounds you were fairly well off. do you have no savings to bridge you over until he found something else. Can you not get a job too?

just trying to figure out why your OP sounds as if it is the end of the world. DH and I lost between us our jobs 5 times in the last 2 years. it is just something that happens fairly often and people move on...

Paislie come and join us on the Frugaleers thread we are a group of people of all incomes but all keen to make those incomes go a far as we can.. ! Lots of friendly advice , support and chat..

Oh, I am sure people would be supportive but dealing with pity can be harder than dealing with contempt.

It's very, very hard to be poorer than all your friends and peers, especially if you're used to being at the same level or higher. Remember that no one cares as much about your life as you do - no one, but no one will notice if you somehow haven't made firm holiday plans this year, or if you're vague about what you got for your birthday. The world is full of pointless status symbols and things you think you need but don't. Concentrate on keeping your DCs happy and secure and fed, and on keeping a roof over your head, and don't worry at all about what to say or what people will think. They will have their own issues. For what it's worth, I don't think your husband losing a job reflects badly on YOU, whatever the circumstances.

Tai chi lessons? That sounds like it would be incredibly relaxing. Not, I'll not be able to join you, I'm afraid. You know, I've been experimenting with making soups, now the weather's getting colder. I'm rather pleased with a tomato and pepper recipe I tried. Do you have any favourite combinations to suggest?

I'll not enquire as to how your DH lost his job, but treat the not being able to keep up with the Joneses as you didn't want to do that at that moment, anyhow. If oyu can do it with the grace you're posting with, you'll be fine once you've got over the shock and begun to pull yourself up by the bootstraps.

I'm not sure I understand why it will be difficult for your DH to get another job though?

There is no shame in losing your job. In the last 15 years, DH has been made redundant twice and I have been made redundant once. The really stressful occasion was when our redundancies overlapped and we had a young baby plus a big mortgage to pay. Ultimately, we were prepared to relocate for new employment opportunities and our respective redundancy packages just about tied us over for the period of unemployment.

As a result, I am paranoid about having a decent financial cushion (via savings) since I suspect that we will suffer redundancy again in the forthcoming recession.

You need to pick yourselves up and get on with it. Think positive - there are quite a lot of seasonal job ads out for the Xmas period. There is no way that I would be ashamed to work in the retail sector to pay the bills. It's RL and it's definitely more common than you think.

There's a facebook group called "Feed Yourself for £1 a day" which has a lot of helpful suggestions about planning meals to save money and batch cooking ideas which help to keep costs down. You obviously don't have to be as frugal as some of the suggestions but you can take many of the helpful ideas and tailor them to your own circumstances. Look in the "files" section of their page for ideas. Another useful facebook group is "Reduce your supermarket spend" and I'm sure there are lots of other similar groups out there and many of the members are very supportive.

Life has dealt you a blow. There is absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed over.
We do set a great deal of store by careers and how well people seem to be doing. It's ingrained from school. It takes a bit of unlearning that mindset. But it can be done. Are there obvious things like a car having to go back?

I went through something similar, but I just told everyone. I also said my sahm days were over and I was now looking for a job. I am not very emotional, but I may have even cried with a few friends. Nobody treated me with pity though. In fact, most people go through this kind of crap at some point in their live.

After a few weeks a friend recommended me to her boss, and I got a part time job. Not a lot of money, not enough hours, but it helped me to not feel quite so powerless, if that makes sense. I thought: at least I have a foot back in the door in the work place, and a reference if I need one.

It is all about how to stop feeling helpless, taking charge in some way is,the best way out of this debilitating feeling

Good luck!

The good news for you Paisley, is that life WILL get better for you. The bad news for Curiosity is that she will always be a sad, bitter bitch.

It isn't about caviar, it is about casual questions regarding holidays, schooling, tutoring, music lessons and the like

Remember that for some people, the things you mention above are completely akin to caviar. We don't consider ourselves poor but can't afford any of those things. When other people talk to us about their own holidays abroad we just 'ooh' and 'ahh' in an interested kind of a way and then move the conversation on.

Say in a positive, cheery tone (as far as possible!) 'We're on a restricted income at the moment, [holiday/tutoring/whatever] didn't make the priority list!' and change the subject. If you don't appear ashamed, people are far less likely to think it's shameful or pity-worthy. I've been doing this for years and find that it works well.

Hey there, I have been there too, it WAS an adjustment, I just thought 'when the going gets tough...' and cut everything to the bone. We were in fancy schmancy london world and I was COMPLETELY honest with everyone and some twats may have pitied me but a ton of people respected me and I bizarrely made new friends out of it. I was pregnant then had a baby (had left old job as was starting own business after dc1 was born, I didn't have enough time to get it off the ground so had to shelve it as a luxury), 18 months on have superb part time job (really challenged myself and thought laterally about what I could do, people I meet now are like 'you do WHAT now' totally respectable but vv technical), am retraining and forcing DH (who did get another job after agessssss that he loathes) to retrain too, still working on business plan in odd moments, have ripcorded life and moved us to cheap part of the country, cheaper house by far, cheaper schools... the way I see it you can accept it (which of course in some ways you have to) or you can galvanise yourself to fight, fight, fight on every front. There's so much help here on mumsnet about going back to work, meal planning, cutting costs here there and everywhere, claiming anything you can (not that I could, but I checked!).

NB if you personally have done nothing wrong or immoral, then never, ever be ashamed. Fuck anyone who looks down on you, cut them out of your life and concentrate on getting your lives back on track.

for you, it's tough

The reason your DH lost his job is nobody's business and frankly I can't believe anyone would be rude enough to ask why, you owe no one an explanation. Unless the reason is going to be made public at some point, there's no reason you have to tell the 'strict' truth if you do feel you need to give a reason. Company restructuring, mandatory transfer turned down, working conditions became intolerable, there are 100 reasons you could probably give with no one the wiser.

You know, I think it's a damned shame that such onus is put on the word 'poor'. Poor does NOT equal lazy or feckless. DH and I were 'poor' when he was hurt and out of work and I didn't feel one bit ashamed. I had no problem with telling friends "No, we can't afford that right now". And when my BFF became 'poor' after her divorce I didn't pity her. I admired her ability to budget and bargain hunt and I actually learnt a lot from her!

I don't know your social circle, so I don't know what people's reaction will be. But don't feel ashamed. And don't mistake compassion for pity. If they are decent people they will know that 'there but for the grace of God go I' and will want to 'be there' for you, just as you would be there for them. If they look down on you or 'pity' you, then they weren't true friends anyway and you're better off without them.

I think when people ask you casual questions about extra expense stuff, like music and tutoring and so on, just maybe say that your children are taking a break from that at the moment as you don't want them to be overloaded?

Although I think it's probably also an idea to suggest that your H is "between jobs" just now, without giving any reasons.

I do understand your feelings of shame but agree with others that it's nothing for you to be ashamed about - shit happens to everyone at some point, and sadly, just now, it's your turn. :(
Hopefully things will turn around very soon for you.

Look up Clemmie Telford- she is an insta mum type But has written lots about being skint after their business left them bankrupt. She calls it one of the last taboos and I think it is for some reason. When you're a student it's fine to be poor but after it does become something shameful.

Hi - despite the circumstances of your DH's employment ending the vast majority of references will not mention anymore than his dates of employment and job title. There is no reason that those circumstances should impact his chances to get another job.

Good luck to him on the search. In the meantime, you don't need to explain yourself to anyone. Just say as DH is between jobs you are not spending unwisely for now. Say no to social events and don't feel pressurised into them - just make excuses as to why you can't go.