Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel unable to tell anyone we are "poor" now DH has lost his job?

133 replies

paislieprint · 21/09/2017 18:18

I meed to make it absolutely clear that this is not a begging thread. Compartively we are still in a better position then most in the UK. If someone DOES PM me making an offer of money I will just delete it so please don't.

This is just about support for me.

DH has lost his job. The circumstances were difficult which means finding another job will be difficult.

Things we never used to worry about like children's shoes, food for for pets, haircuts and birthday presents are now a source of worry and negotiation and shifting things around.

I feel also bizarrely ashamed. Ashamed he lost his job, ashamed to tell people (who are almost exclusively middle class) we just can't afford the casual things they take for granted.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSevillle · 21/09/2017 19:34

You can't hide it, carrying on as normal without his income will get you into a huge mess, so you might as well tell people sooner rather than later.

Your DH won't be the first within your circle to suffer job loss and you won't be the last. There's no shame so please don't make things worse by trying to keep up appearances.

Could he use it as an opportunity to have a rethink about what he wants to do in life? Could he work for himself or start contracting?

What's the housing situation? Any chance you have equity that could help you move to a cheaper area/downsize so you don't need a big income any more?

Holidays - if the norm in your circle is expensive holidays abroad, you could always say you want to see more of this country for a change.

Oldie2017 · 21/09/2017 19:38

I earned 10x my husband. I really recommend it. Put all your eggs into a husband's wages basket and you get to this point. Women - never give up full time work. Do not rely on men for money. You will always regret it.

On cutting back I don't go the hairdresser. i think you could easily ditch that part. Holidays- no one needs. We had holidays at home until I was 10 as a child, never even 1 night away.Don't have pets. Give them to good homes tomorrow. They are money pits. Don't give man presents. I have cut it all back. My ideal birthday is not a single present - materialism is not the route to happiness.

Therealslimshady1 · 21/09/2017 19:47

Oldie, materialism is not the route to happiness, but earning 10x your hus and is? Confused

You are contradicting yourself

FluffyWhiteTowels · 21/09/2017 19:49

I think you'll find compassion among friends who are friends and you'll know who's a friend.

You must be shell shocked. But as others have said you sound resilient.

I'm so sorry this has happened to your family. But you never know ... everything for a reason, this may turn out good in other ways ?

SerfTerf · 21/09/2017 19:55

When you do need to say something (to explain non-participation in something for example) a brisk "we're tightening our belts this year" will do. That shouldn't invite too much pity.

Good luck Flowers

SerfTerf · 21/09/2017 19:56

Oldie if nobody needs holidays, it's amazing the market in islands is so brisk, eh? Smile

Rosieposy4 · 21/09/2017 19:58

Serfturf lol. Have missed Oldie though, good to have her direct ways back 😀

SerfTerf · 21/09/2017 20:00

Yes. A familiar, comforting liturgy of uncompromising female empowerment Smile

specialsubject · 21/09/2017 20:07

Anyone who gets through a working life without a redundancy is bloody lucky or the queen. So most people will face this at some point, the reason for this job loss is irrelevant.

Restricted income is a good way of putting it. Cutting back on the non essentials is just good sense. Action now to stop Christmas tat exchange and so on.

Good luck.

ArcheryAnnie · 21/09/2017 20:10

paislieprint I do know how you feel. I'm kind of OK at the moment (no savings, but staggering from paycheque to paycheque pretty well), but when I was completely on my uppers, and my DS was small, I was with a group of other mums I know well and love, and the conversation turned to food. Iceland was mentioned, and that they do (or did then) a box of 40 fishfingers for £3. And someone said "who on earth would buy them?" And my heart sank into my boots, because I bought them, because it was a lot of food for £3 that my son would like and eat, and I said nothing, and just felt ashamed.

(And I've just looked on the iceland website, and they now do a bag of 35 fishfingers for £2. I'd still eat them.)

Ttbb · 21/09/2017 20:11

A lot of money of class people are really weird about money. I had a relation who lost her job, asked us for money and then used it to buy coffee daily and go sailing. She just kept saying she was too ashamed to admit to her friend DS that she was struggling financially as if they didn't already know. You don't have to tell people anything you don't want to but equally you shouldn't feel worried about what they will think of you if you do tell. Ok so you are having financial problems-so what? Who doesn't at sone point in their lives? Corbyn could become prime minister in a few years and then we'll all be paupers. Money is by its very purpose transient in our lives.

tehmina23 · 21/09/2017 20:11

Oldie you can't just tell someone to give their pets away - yes they can be costly but for many people they are actually part of the family & it would be akin to giving a child away!

I'm short of money & got my cat when I had a better job but it would kill me to give her up as having to care for her helped me through serious MH problems.

OP if your friends are real mates they will understand. True friends are the only people worth having around.

ArcheryAnnie · 21/09/2017 20:12

And just to add - these friends were lovely and would have been horrified if they knew how I felt then.

dalek · 21/09/2017 20:18

OP - my DH lost his job three years ago - didn't earn anything for over a year - all our savings are gone- thankfully is working again now but only part time and at a reduced salary. We manage but like you no holidays or frivolous spending. Seeing people after the summer holidays all the talk is about holidays - I don't mind and am happy for my friends but it gets a bit awkward when I say I was working all summer.

I only told one to two people but not because I was ashamed but I didn't want people's pity.

Just to let you know that you are not the only one - here's hoping that this just a sort term blip for your family.

PickAChew · 21/09/2017 20:20

And Xenia comes barging into the thread....

We're pretty solvent right now and we always have Sainsbury's basics fish fingers in the freezer. They're bloody lovely and 69p for 10. As long as food is reasonable quality (ie not all arseholes, lips and slurry) I've no time for snottiness about inexpensive food.

evilharpy · 21/09/2017 20:28

My husband lost his job out of the blue a few years ago, he was unfairly dismissed mostly because his face didn't fit and the boss (who got her job because she was sleeping with HER boss) didn't like him. We were quite honest about what had happened and everyone was lovely and horrified that he had been treated appallingly. If your friends are really friends they will be supportive and unjudgemental and understanding.

I worried that my husband would struggle to find another job in the circumstances but as it happened he found a job in a much nicer company and is now happier and on a better salary. He was honest at the interview about why he left his previous job (ie he didn't, he was binned).

I hope things pick up for you soon Flowers

Headofthehive55 · 21/09/2017 20:29

Those things that you mentioned - they really don't matter you know!

Hoppinggreen · 21/09/2017 20:29

4 years ago DH gave up a well paid job to start a business and our income halved
We were ok but we did have to make some major lifestyle changes. Luckily my friends we a mixed bunch who had no interest in how much money I had, although I suspect some acquaintances may have been secretly pleased that our foreign holidays etc had to stop.
I think the fact that I had never been "flash" or rubbed anyone's face in things helped ( not that I'm suggesting you did OP) and my true friends pitched in and taught me how to budget - one even designated herself my " austerity buddy" and others changed our usual lunches out to park picnics or someone's house for coffee. It showed me who my friends were and for that reason I'm kind of glad that we went through hard times
Luckily things have changed again now - but I've still got the same mates!!
However, I DO know someone who went through similar and felt they had to move as they were so embarrassed but they did live in a very " keeping up with joneses environmental "

Serialweightwatcher · 21/09/2017 20:30

I think it will be a terrible shame if friends of yours look down on you or push you aside if you've not got as much money as you once had. We have struggled always and that's just the way it is - different for us because we don't mix with people who have loads, not for any reason other than I don't know any - know it will be hard to keep up with them on outings/going out for dinner etc, but maybe start inviting them to yours as a group and let them bring stuff and you make stuff. Anyone who doesn't want to know you now, has never been worth knowing - you'll be fine and will find out who your real friends are - good luck

Pollaidh · 21/09/2017 20:30

So many people have been made redundant since the recession no one bats an eyelid. DH has worked for tech start-ups - well paid but unstable, and they've been through maybe 5 redundancy rounds in 10 years.

I lost my job once too, over ill health following an accident, though if they'd had a decent attitude I'd have recovered more quickly. A few months later I'd made a lateral move into a field it turns out I'm good at, a pay rise, and turned down two other job offers. Losing a job isn't the end of the road and can mean an opportunity to develop and find something that interests you even more.

Moneysaving expert has great ideas on cutting spending. You may be able to negotiate down all your utilities etc. There's no shame in it, it's just sensible, and no real friends would look down on you because of your situation.

OhBigHairyBollocks · 21/09/2017 20:30

OP I have been where you are. DH was sacked four years ago for gross misconduct while I was on maternity leave. I didnt speak to anyone for days and I totally get where you are coming from. We have lots of middle class friends too.

I promise you, things will change. DH managed to get another job despite the circumstances and he has been at his job for three years.

Get DH to sign on pronto and get down to the council to see if you are eligible for housing benefit. PM me if you want to- its such a shite situation to be in.
xxxxx

penstemon · 21/09/2017 20:35

Just tell people! Then you don't have to keep up appearances. It happened to us and it's happened to friends. We stopped going out for cocktails & went around to each other's house for a glass of wine instead; we stopped buying each other expensive and unnecessary candles & stuff like that on birthdays. They're still my friends!

EssentialHummus · 21/09/2017 20:39

Love Xenia's contribution here Grin

There but for the grace of god... and that is most of us.

Yup. OP, you're doing well. Please use the credit crunch section on here for advice/support, it's really useful. All the best to you and DH.

YoloSwaggins · 21/09/2017 20:39

Please don't feel ashamed - there is NO shame in being frugal.

I hate spending money and prefer to save it all - I routinely tell my friends I can't afford stuff just as an excuse when I don't want to do something! Cutting back is quite easy. Bulk-cook food and don't buy lunches out, meet friends for coffee or in parks instead of drinks, get haircuts and fun days out on Groupon etc

Knittedfairy · 21/09/2017 20:41

There's definitely no need to be ashamed that you need to prioritise your budget; people just don't have 'jobs for life' any more, so the stigma (if that's the right word) of being unemployed or redundant is not what it was. Perhaps you should give your middle class friends a bit more credit and not assume there will be a problem; real friends will still be there for you. I hope things improve for you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread