To feel unable to tell anyone we are "poor" now DH has lost his job?

[paislieprint]

I meed to make it absolutely clear that this is not a begging thread. Compartively we are still in a better position then most in the UK. If someone DOES PM me making an offer of money I will just delete it so please don't.

This is just about support for me.

DH has lost his job. The circumstances were difficult which means finding another job will be difficult.

Things we never used to worry about like children's shoes, food for for pets, haircuts and birthday presents are now a source of worry and negotiation and shifting things around.

I feel also bizarrely ashamed. Ashamed he lost his job, ashamed to tell people (who are almost exclusively middle class) we just can't afford the casual things they take for granted.

I've been in a similar situation. The examples you use re haircuts, new shoes struck a chord with me. We have to stagger hairs cuts so instead of getting all 3 dcs done at once we spread them out. The credit crunch threads are brilliant.

I know this sounds strange but you can take pride in being frugal, it's challenging but there is some satisfaction in getting by. Don't worry about anyone else, you are all together under one roof and that's the important thing.

Life and finances are fluid, be resourceful and you will turn things around eventually.

I lost my job in similar circumstances last year. There's a grieving process you go through and encompassed in all of that is shame, guilt, embarrassment and money worries.
You DO come through it. You come out of it stronger and you find out who your real friends are- those who'll walk along side you and keep your body and soul together.
Good luck xxx

Yes, good friends will meet up somewhere cheap or free, buy lunch if you drive you both into town, bring wine AND treats when they pop round in an evening and not see you out of pocket if you do a favour for them. They'll be glad for you to repay them in kind or simply tell you to pay it forward when times are better. They'll not have long, tacky conversations about expensive shoes, handbags and school fees, in your presence.

Any who distance themselves or act like arseholes can be crossed off your Christmas card list, instantly.

Who is Xenia????

OP there is really nothing to be ashamed of, I'm sure he will find another job soon.

Admit to it to friends. I found it quite liberating and was amazed how many of my friends and fellow school gate parents had similar experiences. It does stop the "let's spontaneously pop into the local curry house/ wine bar" suggestions, too.

Thanks for replies.

Dh wasn't made redundant. We have savings but realistically I don't know when if ever he will earn again.

It isn't exactly about friends. Just a sense of being very alone with this.

join the real world. Some people have NEVER had the luxury of not having to worry about paying for haircuts, new shoes, presents or even feeding their family.

Why would he never be able to earn again?

Various reasons.

Not helpful, buttercup

BMW Xenia is a long time poster who keeps name changing but might as well be wearing a high vis jacket with her name on it, with ever single new ID because she says exactly the same things. Evenutaly, the new ID will reveal enough information to find the newspaper article on her, then she'll change ID again.

Irrelevant, buttercup. A right Job's comfort you are. :o

Knowing there's someone worse off than you is not helpful in all circumstances. And by the way, the OP's world as it was was real, and no less valid than that of the less fortunate.

Fuck it. Comforter and

Been/going through this. What I think I've realised was I had to let myself almost grieve for the life we had and the future I thought we were going to have.

Crap happens in life, I get that, and, yes, no one died, but the adjustment shouldn't be underestimated.

We're coping, we've been honest with friends and that worked best for us. Frankly it's all a bit shit but we'll get through it. We don't need a huge amount of stuff, we've cut back and prioritised...and it's still a it crap but ok.

Some people have NEVER had the luxury of not having to worry about paying for haircuts, new shoes, presents or even feeding their family.

but it's a luxury to worry about haircuts, new shoes when others are getting bombed, gazed and poisoned in some random war so these people worries should realise how lucky they are

paislie if there's something deeper that's landed you all, as a family, in the shit, then you might want to post in relationships for support in getting past this. Reading between the lines, though I might be wrong, it's something pretty awful. If it is, I hope you can find the strength, somewhere, to get you and the kids through this.

Sorry about your situation OP.... I don't often post but just wanted to say this won't be forever
In a couple of years you'll look back on this challenging time. And remember comparison is the theif of joy. Enjoy life and take care hope it gets better soon

It is about casual questions regarding holidays, schooling, tutoring, music lessons and the like

How are you managing with the tutoring and music lessons? I know there's the mortgage/rent then food and bills, but this would be my biggest fear being unable to pay for my children's lessons as they'd probably have to be the first thing to go.

There's no reason for you to feel ashamed, as I'm sure you know, but I understand why you would.

It is difficult, we bought our first house, 4 weeks later my DH was made redundant, inspite of having just been told he was an excellent mortgage condidate and had a job for life, got another job luckily, made redundant 5 times in 8 years, I just went out and got another job, had already had a house repossessed when ex H stopped paying mortgage and vanished. Moved, downsized, when kids had left home, gave my notice in to retire, just bought a new kitchen which was sitting in our spare room, luckily hadnt signed the papers for store to fit. 5 days later DH comes home tells me his company have liquidated there and then and no money for that month. I recidended my retirement. he had a nervous breakdown, when he got better he fitted the kitchen, took 4 months, during which time I was keeling on the floor washing up in the bath. Everything was cut to the bone, I didnt have my hair cut for 18 months, I did buy five quid colour though. I had 1 DS (bipolar) his benefits were stopped (it was winter, I had to pay his heating bills) oldest DD made redundant, HER benefits stopped, youngest DD 2 small kids HER benefit stopped, what a bloody nightmare, trying to be all things to all people at this time. I had almost 100 round trip commute to me job, went back to work full time for the next 4 years to get us out of the mess. DH out of work one year, over 50 applications, a couple of interviews. We survived, you can always find folk worse off than youself, that make you greatfull. Several of my colleagues have died in the last couple of years they were young, I am greatfull for my lot. Stuff gets sorted out somehow, you have to be practical. Never mind what other people think. A lot of my work colleages kept saying "hasnt your Husband got a job yet!" as though it was his fault.

OP

Check out the thread linked by Laksa, in Credit Crunch. Also look on Money Saving Expert.

Work out how long the savings will last write a full budget. Then cut back on everything that you can, utilities, subscriptions that aren't really needed etc.

There really is nothing to be ashamed of. That said, it is a huge shift and can be difficult to accept the change.

Regarding presents, tell friends and family you are cutting back on Christmas now, before people have bought presents for you. Just stick to cards.

Chin up

I felt the same way when I was out of work for a few months last summer. Thankfully a new job came up but by month three, I was really starting to panic.

But, when I opened up to people about it, I found others were in the same or similar situation, and I never would have known.

If you don't want pity, just be upbeat about it. If people are shitty about it, just walk away. You've enough going on without worrying about appearances. If your husband will never work again (?) then you need to find a new long term plan, and fast.

Hey OP we were in a similar position a number of years ago and I was on maternity leave too. I obv don't know your husband's circumstances but I can say after a long, long time working in HR and employment law that most people do find other jobs even after they have employment terminated in less than ideal circumstances. Maybe not the job/level hoped but there's very little that's a complete bar to someone being able to earn a living again. Take care x

My partner was made redundant last summer and still isn't working - I sympathise very much, OP. Because I earn a decent salary he got JSA for six months, then nothing. Although my salary is, I know, a lot more than some families with two people working, and we are lucky we can manage, our joint income has reduced by over 50%, and our "core outgoings" like housing, council tax etc have remained the same. We started with savings but they are gone now.

I see threads here where people suggest "just get any job", but DP has applied for jobs from supermarkets to being a postie, and can't get those jobs because he's massively over-qualified, can't get a job in his profession because loads of people in the same boat. We looked into him going back to uni, but it would have meant a bank loan to pay the fees. I have been able to do some project work on the side (with my employer' permission) which has brought in a bit extra, but it is a lot on top of full time work.

It is horrible, and our relationship has really suffered. I have distanced myself from friends, partly because I know I am now just such a boring person, consumed by worry, with nothing interesting to say. I worry my DP will never work again - he's only 41 - and the thought of this being the rest of our lives is terrifying.

No advice, but I really, really empathise.

We were in exactly the same position about 7years ago. I was so angry and sad and let down. I left my husband so that I could find somewhere and get income support and housing benefit because I was so scared about not having a home. I ran and it took a long time to get us back together and 'normal' again. My husband got a job straight away on a zero hours contract earning minimum wage. I felt very ashamed, but I decided at the outset to tell people because all my friends were wondering why I was moving etc. I was brutally honest and it helped me because I realised they weren't judging me and it wasn't my fault and also I realised that people make mistakes and the good friends are the ones who don't sit there and say that your dh is a prick etc but say that you'll get through it and that mistakes happen. And then they share theirs. I'm sorry you're going through this. It will get better.

I was made redundant in 2012. It was 100% due to no fault of my own, so my position was slightly different but I can still empathise.

My real friends were supportive and understanding because they are decent people with decent values who couldn't care less about 'keeping up appearances'. I'm sure your real friends are like that, too. And if some people do care about 'keeping up appearances', then they aren't real friends, so sod'em.

Just be honest with people, without going into the gory details about why DP lost his job. You can be economical with the truth without actually lying. I'm sure people will be supportive.

Good luck.