Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how the hell we are meant to parent!

212 replies

PERFORMACEPARENT · 17/09/2017 22:05

I am a parent of 2, a 5yo, and a 3.5yo with additional needs. I have recently in public been told to tone down my performance parenting, this has led me to here! I don't use mumsnet and find soo many of the posts on here difficult to swallow especailly since its mostly judgemental. I am here to ask WTF is this performance parenting shit about. The person who approached me to tone it down knew nothing about me and my son and was met with a polite 'sorry, although I am theatre trained, I am afraid to say I am not putting on a preformance for anyone. I am comunicating with my son who needs are additional to most'. I talk in a projected voice as my son suffered with glue ear and due to multiple health issues is non verbal and yes I sit on the bus and ask him to point to said item or count the cars ect. It's called parenting! I could sit him watching peppa pig on a tablet but I am sure people would comment on that too. What about when I am out with my 5yo and she is close to melt down and I have two options I could play a game with her to distract her from this, or let her melt down and ruin lots of peoples day that way istead. SO WTF and AIBU to be an interactive parent!?!?!?!?!

OP posts:
SecretSleeper · 17/09/2017 22:07

Who was the person who told you to stop performance parenting?

In what context?

GetOutOfMYGarden · 17/09/2017 22:07

You have to admit, it'd be annoying as fuck to be sat on the bus and hear someone behind you going 'point to the bear! how many cars diddums? you're so clever!' for your entire journey.

user1487372252 · 17/09/2017 22:09

Keep doing as you are. Sounds like you are doing a great job, well done.

Iheartjordanknight · 17/09/2017 22:09

"sorry, although I am theatre trained, I am afraid to say I am not putting on a preformance for anyone. I am comunicating with my son who needs are additional to most'."

You said this, just like that? WowConfused

Performance parenting is just another way of saying you're loud and annoying me

Original poster
PERFORMACEPARENT · 17/09/2017 22:10

In the context of- I was told if I was going to 'performance parent' I should consider others around me. I was taken back and just said 'excuse me what did you say' She was like can you take the theraticals down a few pegs. Now I was out with my 3 YO non verbal son and I sign and talk projecting my voice to help him learn the words. I said 'sorry although I am theatre trained I am afraid to say I am not putting on a preformance for anyone. I am comunicating with my son who needs are additional to most' I then turned back to my son and said and signed oh look a helecopter and the person walked off.

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 17/09/2017 22:10

My stock answer
"I don't know mine didn't come with a manual"You know your child the best and will find out what works best for you, them and their family.
Fuck anyone else, they aren't their kids with your life, in your situation.

formerbabe · 17/09/2017 22:10

Ignore them! You sound like you're doing a great job. One of my DC has sn and some people probably think I'm performance parenting...I'm not, like you, I'm doing what is best for my dc. Regardless of additional needs, a parent is perfectly entitled to talk to their child in a public place. Why on earth should you have to whisper, stay silent or make yourself as invisible as possible to apologize for your mere existence?!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 17/09/2017 22:11

Performance parenting is basically normal parenting done in a more theatrical fashion, seemingly to show your brilliance off to others.

The alternative is not to give your child a tablet to watch 24/7 and not interact or educate at all.

Original poster
PERFORMACEPARENT · 17/09/2017 22:12

and no I wouldnt be annoyed at a parent pointing at things out of the window on a bus saying look at this and look at that. It is called tolerence. I have to commute on public transport and deal with all sorts of types of people and parenting and to me its not an issue and no different from hearing the sound of peepa pig sqeek squeek from a tablet.

OP posts:
PricklyBall · 17/09/2017 22:13

No, you're not being unreasonable. Sounds like you're doing absolutely the right thing for your son.

And it's shit how people think they have the right to comment on your parenting. I think it's happened to most of us at some time, but unfortunately if you've got a child with additional needs, it seems to happen more frequently (everyone's a bloody expert, or else think sthat additional needs will miraculously go away with a bit of firm discipline Hmm).

My moment of being on the receiving end of know-it-all bystandery was back when DS was a baby. Some busybody came up to me in the supermarket as he was having a colic attack (he used to get stomach spasms in his sleep, go rigid, arch his back, then wake in loads of pain and scream the place down). Busybody said it was clearly because I was carrying him in a sling (WTAF?). Of course, the rejoinder of "and precisely where did you do your paediatric training?" only came to me much later.

Dunno what the answer is. A passive-aggressive "thank you so much for your help"? An out-and-out aggressive "If I wanted your input, I'd ask"? An emollient "I find this works best" and rinse and repeat?

MadMags · 17/09/2017 22:13

There's a difference between interacting with your child and performance parenting.

"Although I am theatre trained"??? Please tell me you didn't actually say that?! Grin

gillybeanz · 17/09/2017 22:14

OP, I may be going against the grain, but I'd have talked to you and asked if I could join in your game.
At least I'd have had respect for you and judged your good skills Grin
Are people really like this now?

Lj8893 · 17/09/2017 22:15

Yanbu, although mentioning your theatre training is completely irrelevant and a bit odd. That is almost more show offy.

MadMags · 17/09/2017 22:15

And there's a whole world between over-the-top, look how fabulous I am shite and peppa pig!

BertrandRussell · 17/09/2017 22:16

Maybe coming on here, saying you find most posts judgmental and then asking for comments may not be the wisest move ever.....

GetOutOfMYGarden · 17/09/2017 22:16

It is called tolerence.

You've annoyed someone enough that they've actually said something to your face - that takes some doing, in my experience. The other people on the bus probably thought along the same lines as them. And then you went 'although I am theatre trained' which will have done nothing to change their minds Hmm Peppa pig squeaks are also annoying on public transport, and anyone who doesn't use headphones on their phone/ipad is a knob too.

Chillyegg · 17/09/2017 22:16

sorry, although I am theatre trained, I am afraid to say I am not putting on a preformance for anyone
Er kind of sums it all up.
Do what makes you happy. But also reflect that maybe the person who approached you, took some balls to maybe tell you to turn it down.

PoppyPopcorn · 17/09/2017 22:16

If you pointing out things on the bus in a "theatrical" voice loud enough for everyone to hear, yes that's annoying and yes it's performance parenting. Additional needs or not, nobody wants to listen to you constantly saying "Look! A bus! Look A dog! Now, what kind of dog is it? Yes! It's a Labrador! We spell that L-A-B-R-A-D-O-R, don't we? Look! A car! Look! A policeman!"

gets tiresome very quickly.

And there is a HUGE range of parenting between theatrically projecting and being a pain in the arse, and Peppa Pig on the tablet.

formerbabe · 17/09/2017 22:17

There's a difference between interacting with your child and performance parenting

Well if your DC has certain special needs, your ordinary interaction and communication with your DC may come across as performance parenting to others.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/09/2017 22:19

I guess we should just all be considerate to those around us when we're in public places.

Crumbs1 · 17/09/2017 22:20

Ignore them. Of course parents should be talking with their child. If your child is hearing impaired they will need it a bit louder and clearer. Keep on working with his language skills as they are time critical.

Original poster
PERFORMACEPARENT · 17/09/2017 22:20

MadMags yeah, thats exactly how it came out of mouth. I don't have a filter and had to say what I though as I said it. Thanks to the people supporting my parenting 'choice'. I am going to be gaining lots of cool comebacks from you lot arent I.

OP posts:
MadMags · 17/09/2017 22:20

Quite, former.

However, our thespian here seems to think the alternative to her brand of PROJECTED PARENTING is watching Peppa Pig on a tablet.

And we all know there's an entire world of normal-voiced, considerate parenting in between.

wheresmycake · 17/09/2017 22:21

I wouldn't ask you to tone it down and don't think you should have to apologise in these circumstances, but are your DC's additional needs obvious to outsiders? I only ask because I can see how loud (and 'loud' is a subjective opinion), repetitive naming/counting of objects on a bus etc can be annoying to other passengers, and if they can't see an obviously understandable reason for something which they find annoying, they might react unfairly. Maybe just have a short, polite response along the lines of 'it's not intended as a performance - DC is non-verbal/has developmental issues so it really is keep him occupied or risk a meltdown.' I know you shouldn't have to and just want to keep to yourself without being bothered when you are just trying to look after DC, but other people are going to butt in in public and there has to be a minimal-stress way of dealing with it.

formerbabe · 17/09/2017 22:22

"I guess we should just all be considerate to those around us when we're in public places*

Really? Because most of these discussions seem to focus on women with children. Maybe raucous business men in restaurants need to be more considerate? No one seems too bothered by them.