AIBU to ask how the hell we are meant to parent!

[PERFORMACEPARENT]

I am a parent of 2, a 5yo, and a 3.5yo with additional needs. I have recently in public been told to tone down my performance parenting, this has led me to here! I don't use mumsnet and find soo many of the posts on here difficult to swallow especailly since its mostly judgemental. I am here to ask WTF is this performance parenting shit about. The person who approached me to tone it down knew nothing about me and my son and was met with a polite 'sorry, although I am theatre trained, I am afraid to say I am not putting on a preformance for anyone. I am comunicating with my son who needs are additional to most'. I talk in a projected voice as my son suffered with glue ear and due to multiple health issues is non verbal and yes I sit on the bus and ask him to point to said item or count the cars ect. It's called parenting! I could sit him watching peppa pig on a tablet but I am sure people would comment on that too. What about when I am out with my 5yo and she is close to melt down and I have two options I could play a game with her to distract her from this, or let her melt down and ruin lots of peoples day that way istead. SO WTF and AIBU to be an interactive parent!?!?!?!?!

Lots of children have additional needs and require support, not 'theatrics'

So people have a right to be irritating, but others don't have a right to be irritated? Life should just be a free for all, then. Who cares about others? MEEEEEEE first!

How is telling someone they're 'performance parenting' less MEEEEEEE first than being too loud with your kids?

People have a right to get on with their lives. Other people have the right to tell them to be quieter. There is no moral arbiter but the potential to upset someone is greater if you tell them they are doing parenting wrong. In my opinion.

"maybe the person who approached you, took some balls to maybe tell you to turn it down."

The complainer saw a young mum with 3 under 5s on a bus, trying to keep them entertained so they were happy and not whining or crying and saw her using sign language to a young child (clearly had a hearing issue) and told her to "tone it down."

That's the thing about public transport, it's public. Personally I'd rather listen to young kids chatting and enjoying themselves than having a tantrum or a negative mum who tells them off all the time. Why are people so ready to be harsh on parents with young children.

It doesn't take balls to be a miserable git.

So talking and interacting enthusiastically with your children, one of whom has SEN, in a public space is MEEEEEEE first

Give me a fucking break.

Yes, that's right mums. Society would prefer you to do your parenting under a stone. Hope we've all got the memo now.

So people have a right to be irritating, but others don't have a right to be irritated?

That's not what plantsitter said. She said, people can be irritating- suck it up. And I agree.

society would prefer... but we are all society, and mostly mums on here!

I always do the pointing thing ( cars, people etc) when out or on the bus.
Its for a few reasons, one to distract so 2 year old wont start screaming or trying to run off.
And two because it is good to interact with children.
I do it in a normal voice and of course praise him.
Ffs why has everyone got to be so bloody judgemental.
It seems no matter what you do nothing is ever good enough or wrong.

.....the lovechild of Justin Fletcher and Brian Blessed

is that Mr Tumblecunt?

Don't get caught up with term "performance parenting". Bottom line is that you were being annoying to the point where someone felt the need to say something to you.

True, you didn't say that you were "loud" nor "annoying". In fact, what you said is that you are a great mom who's just doing her job. I guess some of us just don't buy it. Because judging (yes judge!) from your posts here, it is easy to imagine how annoying you were. Next time, just try to be more considerate of other ppl in public spaces.

So people have a right to be irritating, but others don't have a right to be irritated? Life should just be a free for all, then. Who cares about others? MEEEEEEE first!

Of course people have a right to be irritated. But a reasonable person will first ask themselves whether their irritation is rational or reasonable (plenty of things that irritate me are objectively innocuous), whether the irritant is so extreme and objectively objectionable as to require intervention, and if so, what the best form of that intervention might be.

So, using an earlier 'real life' example, if I think a parent at the museum looking at pointillism with his kid is doing it for my benefit rather than his kid's, and I'm finding it irritating, I'd ask myself whether it matters (the kid is still learning! The dad is engaging with his child in a positive way and sharing something that is interesting to him, the parent), whether there's a reason his eyes keep flicking to me that aren't making sure I'm noticing (could it be he's wondering why this woman is watching him and his kid so intently as to notice the direction of his eyes? Does she hate kids in museums? Is she about to start a tirade about talking to kids in museums?) and then is internalise my irritation, recognise it's probably 50% my issue, and get on with my day.

I'm not sure where telling a stranger to 'tone down the theatrics' fits in any of that. It rather smacks of... theatrics.

Bottom line is that you were being annoying to the point where someone felt the need to say something to you

And I'm going to bet that the people who complain about mother's interacting with their DC wouldn't dare confront two men having a loud conversation in public? Women and children are an easier target.

Next time, just try to be more considerate of other ppl in public spaces

Alternatively, just talk to your DC in whatever way is most beneficial for them.

JassyRadlett As an irritable person, I love your post.

So often you can just roll your eyes and think 'whatever'. Easier and more pleasant in so many ways.

If someone felt able to tell me I was being irritating I wouldn't assume that they were justified in that, especially in front of my kids. I'd just assume they were just a grumpy fucker. Which is fine, y'know, but I'm not going to adjust my behaviour because a stranger is grumpy.

So often you can just roll your eyes and think 'whatever'. Easier and more pleasant in so many ways.

I know! I'm another irritable person and honestly, my life is so much better since I owned it as my issue, embraced being irritated but didn't automatically judge the rest of society for irritating me.

(An advanced search of MN will show that I am not always successful in this endeavour.)

If someone felt able to tell me I was being irritating I wouldn't assume that they were justified in that, especially in front of my kids. I'd just assume they were just a grumpy fucker. Which is fine, y'know, but I'm not going to adjust my behaviour because a stranger is grumpy.

Yes! I love the way people are assuming that the complainer in the OP was obviously reasonable, objective and justified.

And I'm going to bet that the people who complain about mother's interacting with their DC wouldn't dare confront two men having a loud conversation in public?

And you would be wrong. I see women do that ALL the time on trains -- tell men to take his phone convo out of the quiet car.

Alternatively, just talk to your DC in whatever way is most beneficial for them

Sure, it all about MEEEEE. Who gives a f*9k about other ppl in a public space? Nice.

Sure, it all about MEEEEE. Who gives a f9k about other ppl in a public space? Nice*

No for most parents it's not all about them..it's about their DC and keeping them entertained or distracted when out and about. You're being very over dramatic if people talking to their children annoys you so much. It's hardly anti social behaviour. Or do you think we should all conduct conversations in a whisper when we're out.

"Next time, just try to be more considerate of other ppl in public spaces"

And the person wasn't just objecting to her voice, she was objecting to "theatrics" - signing to a very young child with a hearing difficulty.

Surely consideration works both ways?

duck consideration absolutely works both ways. If I am bothering you but it cannot be avoided, then its on you to be considerate. The key words here are cannot be avoided. I guess I am in the camp described below by an earlier poster:

And we all know there's an entire world of normal-voiced, considerate parenting in between (projected parenting and Peppa pig)

Miss H.
Using sign language to a young child is seen as inconsiderate to passengers on an public bus?
It's not a first class train carriage or an aeroplane - where you might expect a bit more quiet as you've paid for it.
She was keeping them engaged and as a result they were'nt running around or complaining.
The complainer's use of the word "Theatrics" is an intentional snide put down - if the complainer asked politely I'd be more inclined to believe the OP deserved it.
We won't agree so I'll leave it at that.

and was met with a polite 'sorry, although I am theatre trained, I am afraid to say I am not putting on a preformance for anyone. I am comunicating with my son who needs are additional to most'.

Hahahaha.

No, that's what you wish you said. What actually happened?

Nobody cares about people INTERACTING with their children. It's lovely to see parents chatting to their kids etc.

What people object to are PEOPLE (parents or otherwise) who don't tailor their actions and noise levels to match the context and show no consideration of others.

I've never got annoyed at parents on trains who play i spy, draw, chat etc because most parents are reasonable peoplr who know not to be dickheads. Equally, i couldn't care less if people use tablets with kids as long as the head phones are in.

What I can't stand is people being rude and inconaiderate. That includes tablets/music without headphones (for ALL people) and obnoxiously loud conversations (for ALL people).

It's always the people who are loud who think the world should 'put up & shut up' regarding this and it's always the loud people who sulk and have pity parties 'oh i guess i should never bother to even talk to my child in future in case somr miserable sod gets annoyed'.

In short: when in public, show some consideration for others. It is basic manners. Being a parents doesn't exempt you from that.

Using sign language to a young child is seen as inconsiderate to passengers on an public bus?

Absolutely not, duck. And that is precisely why I think OP was a lot more OTT than she let on.

I agree miss.

People are reading what suits.

The OP has already said she was 'projecting' which is usually the volume for group speaking. A projected voice is what I teach my lessons with, not do my 1-1 interventions with (SEN or no SEN).

There are a range of volumes between silent and being a pain in the arse. For someone to finally get fed up enough to say somrthing I'd bet it's closer to the latter.

I can't actually believe WTF I'm reading. I am very firmly of the mindset that you should try not to encroach on anybody else but seriously?
You project, sign and play games with your child all you want. If your child is having a nice time then what the hell is it to do with anyone else? A bus is a public space. If they want silence then they can go in a car.
If your child had needs then they are entitled to have interaction whatever form it takes.
I think you were very restrained in your reply. If have told them to fuck off.

A bus is a public space. If they want silence then they can go in a car.
Another 'omg people want silence theu should go somewhere else' response to go with the 'sigh. I guess i should sit in silence and never ever speak to my child then' responses
I don't get this view. It's like people saying 'my children like to play loudly in a cafe when I go for coffee. If people want to read a book they should go to a library'

Nobody is saying they want silence!

People are saying that there's a difference between a perfectly reasonable volume and a loud volume that pisses everyone else off.

It's not for the world to stop using public spaces just because some people want to be loud with their kids.

Sometimes I read these threads and get a clear picture why some kids at school don't understand appropriate working noises because every day and situation is a 'talk as loud as you like darling' day