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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how the hell we are meant to parent!

212 replies

PERFORMACEPARENT · 17/09/2017 22:05

I am a parent of 2, a 5yo, and a 3.5yo with additional needs. I have recently in public been told to tone down my performance parenting, this has led me to here! I don't use mumsnet and find soo many of the posts on here difficult to swallow especailly since its mostly judgemental. I am here to ask WTF is this performance parenting shit about. The person who approached me to tone it down knew nothing about me and my son and was met with a polite 'sorry, although I am theatre trained, I am afraid to say I am not putting on a preformance for anyone. I am comunicating with my son who needs are additional to most'. I talk in a projected voice as my son suffered with glue ear and due to multiple health issues is non verbal and yes I sit on the bus and ask him to point to said item or count the cars ect. It's called parenting! I could sit him watching peppa pig on a tablet but I am sure people would comment on that too. What about when I am out with my 5yo and she is close to melt down and I have two options I could play a game with her to distract her from this, or let her melt down and ruin lots of peoples day that way istead. SO WTF and AIBU to be an interactive parent!?!?!?!?!

OP posts:
LemonMans · 18/09/2017 00:13

YANBU.

I agreed that Mumsnet does tend to be more judgemental than supportive, which is a shame.

I suspect the person who used the term ''performance parenting'' is very insecure. Ignore them.

As a regular commuter who books the quite coach when possible, the only time (once) I have got annoyed with parents with young children is when singing and loudness was initiated by the parent.

Original poster
PERFORMACEPARENT · 18/09/2017 00:14

MrsMargeSimpson- and you are exactly the type of judgemental person that made me write the post! Pretty sure the person who spoke to me prob just wanting to tick it off her MN buzzword card :)

OP posts:
Ellendegeneres · 18/09/2017 00:15

Oh op just carry on being the wonderful mum you are Flowers

I did performance parenting the other day. Knew it too. Even thought how much any mumsnetter watching would be posting about me online later lol made me right paranoid. But there was a little girl at the bus stop who was inconsolable because she was tired. My son was excited cause I was taking him for lunch and baby was ratty too due to tiredness. I look at son and say pick a song. He's like wha??? I repeat myself. Suddenly we're singing the wheels on the bus and the seven-odd people at the bus stop are all joining in doing the actions 😂 Most of them were elderly, we must have looked a right sight.
Had the desired effect though, little girl stopped crying, baby fell asleep and cheered up the bus folk. I like performance parenting when it's in short bursts. Cheers me up. If it's prolonged it's annoying. But I try not to judge because like you, the parent may just be communicating with a child with additional needs instead of trying to prove to the world how wonderful they are

MrsMargeSimpson · 18/09/2017 00:18

I'm not judgemental, you're just a pompous sounding, loud, annoyance. It is perfectly possible to parent to your child's needs without being so loud that somebody feels the need to comment. Your response really sums it up. You simply don't care about the impact you have on anybody else, it's selfish.

tellmyfriendsiminlove · 18/09/2017 00:18

You sound like you do performance parent and then pull the additional needs trump card whenever you are challenged because you know it's sometimes wholly unnecessary.

Original poster
PERFORMACEPARENT · 18/09/2017 00:29

I dont pull out 'additional needs trump card' at all but when being judged you feel the need to explain your actions. My son has limited/no physical signs of his needs but his needs are complex and he is not of the same mental or phsical size or ability of his age. and if you read on the first couple off pages the full conversation exchange is on there to be show the work theatre trained was only a nervous reaction to one of her comments

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 18/09/2017 00:35

procrastinationsupremo I do that one. Along with "aren't you so clever eating that chocolate bar because your tuber fed aren't you and you don't normally what very much so your so very clever to ask for it to eat" because I can just sense the speed typing of the awful mother feeding her toddler lindor chocolate!
Performance just ignore her. You have hours of time that you need to fill and surely your performance is better than a screaming ? Especially if you're on the bus with me as DOS cannot cope with other kids screaming - I've been known to have to get off the bus because of spirited children being allowed to roam and scream freely on the bus.

I do tend to look around and up during me singing nursery , reading put the words the 2 yo points pit in the newspaper but only to try to gouge the feel of the bus and the tolerance for my entertaining

misshelena · 18/09/2017 01:51

Well, she thought you were talking unnecessarily loud and probably gesturing too. You could have just told her that DS has special needs. She would have felt ashamed, learned a lesson, and be more tolerant next time. Instead the whole "theater trained" bit probably made you look like a total b&*ch to the rest of the bus who were most likely already annoyed with your loudness.

Purplemac · 18/09/2017 06:39

Urgh this is exactly why I hate the idea of "performance parenting". It's not a performance it's a parent interacting with and entertaining their child!

For what it's worth OP I see parents like you quite a bit (am currently on holiday and there's one of two similar around the pool most days). It makes me smile. It's good to see parents genuinely interested in their children.

hazeyjane · 18/09/2017 06:41

I think if you posted about your bus journeys on another thread about performance parenting (but without the theatre trained malarkey) everyone would say you weren't performance parenting and just interacting with your child (I have posted similar in past). I think you have just come across as a bit pompous, which has got people going!

MaisyPops · 18/09/2017 06:57

However, our thespian here seems to think the alternative to her brand of PROJECTED PARENTING is watching Peppa Pig on a tablet.

And we all know there's an entire world of normal-voiced, considerate parenting in between
Yes^^

It is perfectly possible to interact reasonably with your child without being so inconsiderate someone actually says something!

It's always very loud and inconsiderate parents who seem to suggest that there are 2 options: excessively loud theatrical parenting or ignoring your child by giving them a tablet.

Considerate parents (whether their child has additional needs or is NT) know there is a considerate volume in the middle.

upperlimit · 18/09/2017 07:03

I performance parented the shit out of talking to my ds2 when he was little and had a serious speech delay. I also have an impressive 'fuck off' face which kept any snotty comments at bay.

You need to keep doing what you feel is helping your son to move towards speech and disregard anybody else's minor irritation.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 18/09/2017 07:04

I get looks too mainly when I bellow at mine for either dangerous or disruptive behaviour

It's mortifying . Once someone told me off as my 4 year old decides to run into a road .

Ah happy
Memories !

Chalk it down to experience and never ever start a thread as you will get pasted (I am very selective on what to post about and as a result never start thread anymore )

LaurieMarlow · 18/09/2017 07:05

I hate the term 'performance parenting' as it seems to come down to having a confident voice and ignoring society's expectation that you keep shtum and don't draw attention to yourself.

Interacting with your kids is the most important job you have. Don't tone it down if you don't want to.

KC225 · 18/09/2017 07:05

If you are Brian Blessed on a bus, yes, YABU

strawberrypenguin · 18/09/2017 07:06

If 'projecting your voice' was loud enough that the whole bus could hear then yep you were being annoying. You could return to a more normal volume in enclosed public spaces without ignoring your child

PoppyPopcorn · 18/09/2017 07:10

It is perfectly possible to interact reasonably with your child without being so inconsiderate someone actually says something!

I think this is what posters aren't getting. Nobody in their right mind would object to a parent chatting with their child about what they are doing ot pointing things out.

People can and do often object to parents who are SO loud that the entire bus/train can hear their performance especially if it goes on for more than a few minutes. It's really inconsiderate to make such a noise or fuss that you're pissing off half the bus, and then to say "But I'm theatre trained!!!" when someone tells you to shut the fuck up... words fail me.

Wasting my time replying though as OP clearly thinks she's the most AWESOME parent around, as she has theatre training and has no intention of changing.

MaisyPops · 18/09/2017 07:14

Interacting with your kids is the most important job you have. Don't tone it down if you don't want to
It's a good job the whole world doesn't operate like this.

What if every parent decides they need to kid themselves that loud theatrical chatter is the way, because they want to?

Groups of friends in cafes, why don't they increase their volume so they can hear themselves over the noise?

I guess it's totally ok for adults to be inconaiderate dickheads and assume the whole bus / train/ cafe should hear their phone conversation?

Course it isn't.

The world generally functions because people are considerate. Anyone who is obnoxiously loud in public is being rude and inconsiderate.

There's a range of volumes between silent ignoring and obnoxiously loud. The replies on this thread only confirm my view that excessively loud people are quite rude and obnoxious.

redemptionsongs · 18/09/2017 07:17

performance parent - what a nasty little phrase - just another insult for people to hurl around for everyone to feel bad about. We weren't there, we don't know Op was being overly annoying.

GinIsIn · 18/09/2017 07:19

"I'M THEATRE TRAINED"?! Grin it's not what you were doing that makes you sound a performance parent, it's that response! Were you annoyed she interrupted before you got to your Shakespeare monologue?

There's nothing wrong with engaging with your son in the way that works best for him, but it's also worth bearing in mind that buses are a confined space.

LaurieMarlow · 18/09/2017 07:21

Oh please maisy I said confident not loud.

It's the usual misogynist bullshit. Man talks to another man in a strong confident tone in a coffee shop about work and no one bats an eyelid. Women talks to her child in a similar tone about abcs, she's an inconsiderate performance parent.

But well done on being an obedient woman and enforcing it, the patriarchy are proud.

DixieNormas · 18/09/2017 07:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slartybartfast · 18/09/2017 07:22

OP the person who accosted you on the bus was so rude - i agree she probably ticked it off her MN whizz card

carry on as you are, but dont ask for all opinions on mn to agree with yours.

upperlimit · 18/09/2017 07:24

It's a good job the whole world doesn't operate like this.

Yes, how awful, everyone playing and talking to their kids with no regard for the increasingly sensitive and outraged sensibilities of random strangers.

Charolais · 18/09/2017 07:24

You sound like a good mum.

I can’t help wondering if the woman, and the people here who agree with her, would approach a couple of large thuggish men who were annoying them, or is that sort of ‘telling off’ reserved only for mums with small children.