AIBU to ask how the hell we are meant to parent!

[PERFORMACEPARENT]

I am a parent of 2, a 5yo, and a 3.5yo with additional needs. I have recently in public been told to tone down my performance parenting, this has led me to here! I don't use mumsnet and find soo many of the posts on here difficult to swallow especailly since its mostly judgemental. I am here to ask WTF is this performance parenting shit about. The person who approached me to tone it down knew nothing about me and my son and was met with a polite 'sorry, although I am theatre trained, I am afraid to say I am not putting on a preformance for anyone. I am comunicating with my son who needs are additional to most'. I talk in a projected voice as my son suffered with glue ear and due to multiple health issues is non verbal and yes I sit on the bus and ask him to point to said item or count the cars ect. It's called parenting! I could sit him watching peppa pig on a tablet but I am sure people would comment on that too. What about when I am out with my 5yo and she is close to melt down and I have two options I could play a game with her to distract her from this, or let her melt down and ruin lots of peoples day that way istead. SO WTF and AIBU to be an interactive parent!?!?!?!?!

". I just think that maybe some of you should think before you 'judge"

Sorry ... did the woman say she was a Mumsnetter or something and that this is something Mumsnetters have set out to do?

The term wasn't created here a few months ago, I've known of it for donkeys years and have heard it in real life.

Instead of attacking a random bunch of fellow mums online, maybe ask why you pissed someone off so much to the point that a British person actually summoned up the nerve to tell off a total stranger. Yes your son matters, so so much, but so do other people.

Have you been told off for being loud before? There's someone at work who can't ever say something she has to SHOUT IT VERY CLEARLY and I have to admit it's infuriating from across a massive office, let alone on a bus.

I dont think this is performance parenting to me performance parenting is doing it so you get a reaction from other like a lady i was stood by the other day who was telling her 2 year old that that they didnt come in the lift because she (the 2yr old) would cry and then looking at everyone else in the room for a response. Really loud. Several times. All i could think was well she is definately going to cry in lifts now.

Providing you or your child wasn't talking to me or trying to involve me in anything I probably wouldn't have been bothered, although I would have laughed at the 'theatre trained' comment and thought your were up yourself.

I'm always so impressed that so many people on here have such a good handle on the motivations of total strangers and so can tell if something is performance parenting, or whatever else.

Did you lot do a course, or is it a natural gift?

There's got to be a medium between the 'Performance' Parenting' (0h Timothy! What is THAt? A Hedhog! oh CLEVER boy!!). and Peppet pig on a tablet. In

fact there's nothing up with Pepper Pig on a tablet, just in moderation like most thing!

It's the usual misogynist bullshit. Man talks to another man in a strong confident tone in a coffee shop about work and no one bats an eyelid. Women talks to her child in a similar tone about abcs, she's an inconsiderate performance parent.
But well done on being an obedient woman and enforcing it, the patriarchy are proud.
Nothing to do with the patriarchy.

If a man sits and has a phone call obnoxiously loud on the train then he is rude and inconsiderate.
I've equally asked groups of men to tone it down when I've been out.
If a parent (male or female) thinks their loud chatter is more important than basic manners then they are rude and inconsiderate.

Let's stop turning this into a 'poor mothers' thing.
If someone is polite and considerate then nobody gives a damn who they talk to or what they are doing.
If someone is obnoxiously loud then they are being rude.

I shouldn't have to sit in a cafe/bus and listen to loud parenting chat any more than I should have to listen to a group of loud teenagers or a man on his mobile.

Why is it only inconsiderate people who can't get their daft little brains around the fact that there's a whole range of volumes between silence and so loud it pisses everyone else off?

JassyRadlett
One of the reasons I try to avoid saying performance parent on threads like this because you jist get the 'poor mothers' response.

It's simple really. When you are in public you should be aware of your surroundings and othet people. It doesn't matger who you are or what you are doing. You either choose to behave in a way that is considerate and polite or you choose to behave in a way thay is rude and inconsiderate.

Loud people that talk constantly are going to piss other people off regardless of why they are doing it.

Something like a bus ride doesn't need constant loudness out of consideration for other passengers.

I suspect you were very loud. And that was the problem - that would have been the problem if you'd been singing, talking loudly in the mobile or playing the spoons.

One of the reasons I try to avoid saying performance parent on threads like this because you jist get the 'poor mothers' response.

I didn't say anything about 'poor mothers'.

I am just amused at people trying to define 'performance parenting' as 'looking for attention/approbation for their parenting' rather than just 'loud (and possibly very annoying) parenting'.

My personal (unpopular on Mumsnet) view is that if people weren't so unshakeably confident in why other people behave the way they do, we might all rub along a bit better.

MaisyPops thank you for summing it up perfectly completely agree with you.

also just to clarafy. In the instance I am discussing when the person said it we wern't on a bus nor was anyone else botthered by us. The person could have simply step further away if she had an issue. As many on this thread have said what i was doing wasnt infact performance parenting and yet someone took it upon themselfs to judge it at that. I have never once said I was 'loud'. and never has anyone else given there opinion on my volume nor do I get disaproving looks on a normal day. What is the level between peppa pig and performance parenting. sitting and communication with your child? because thats exactly what I was doing. Encase you havent read first pages the theatre comment came from her asking to tone the theatrics down when i was signing and talking with my son. I didnt have a better comeback ready as it wasnt a situation I had been in before

I sometimes wonder whether children - despite their needs for stimulus and education - just need a bit of down time to think their own thoughts and have their own ideas.

I used to work in a library. There were some parents who spent the entire time addressing their children and providing a commentary, 'Look at the lovely books Oscar. Which ones shall we choose? No, don't kick the bookstand Oscar. That's a bit silly isn't it? Let's look at the lovely mural. That's a a caterpillar. How do we spell caterpillar.' It could be a bit hard to think when they were around, because the monologue - and it always was a monologue - was incessant.

And I would always feel a bit sorry for Oscar for being the object of this absolutely relentless attention. Oscar simply never had a chance to wander about it and stare and pick up whichever book he fancied. He was being constantly directed.

I felt that, in an odd way, these parents weren't much better than the ones who completely ignored their children or would only speak to tell their children off, 'Don't move. Don't talk. Don't do that.'

Loud people are annoying.

There's a reason parents tell their DC to lower their voices. Manners.

I felt that, in an odd way, these parents weren't much better than the ones who completely ignored their children or would only speak to tell their children off, 'Don't move. Don't talk. Don't do that.'

I can't imagine that the op would get much approval from her son's speech therapist if she were to follow that advice.

Not sure about the OPs OP. It seems like it was designed to 'rile' Mumsnet. She doesn't know Mumsnet but knows enough to post a 'contentious' OP in AIBU

Anyway... performance parenting definitely exists and it's bloody annoying. It's the volume that's annoying not the 'preforming'

Males do it as well as females. It's not a Mum thing. We all have to raise our voices with kids sometimes but if you have to speak to them do loudly that everyone around you can hear every single word then you are going to irritate people.

Hearing issues aside there is no reason to talk loudly at children. The don't listen anymore than if you speak in a normal voice.

I don't like people bellowing even if there aren't kids around.

We have no idea how loud the OP was. Because we weren't there. Yet I'm always amazed at how accurately mumsnetters can picture a scene in its exact detail based on a paragraph of words.

I'd love someone to compare public perceptions of loudness of a man (talking to another man) and a woman (talking to a child) both conducting that conversation at exactly the same decibel level.

I'd bet good money that the woman would be deemed louder. Because we're not supposed to draw attention to ourselves, remember.

I can't imagine that the op would get much approval from her son's speech therapist if she were to follow that advice.

But do speech therapists tell parents to talk to children non-stop throughout the day.

For me it's not the volume. It is the relentlessness of it. And it also seems - frequently - to give the child very little space to speak. I think it is very much the everyday equivalent of putting a DVD/video/TV programme on. The child must be stimulated constantly in a way that is not self-directed, but controlled by another, more powerful, individual.

Sorry your response was really wanky and would make me think that yes, you were putting on a performance for the rest of the bus.

My son is non verbal and I have to sign and speak very clearly for him to understand . If anyone dared to question my parenting I would give them short shrift .. come and step in my shoes for a day , my son didn't come with a manual and I'm doing my bloody best !! Some people are twats !!

But do speech therapists tell parents to talk to children non-stop throughout the day.But do speech therapists tell parents to talk to children non-stop throughout the day.

I can't speak for all the speech therapists. From the ones I do know, yes, the expectation is that you should talk as much as possible. Because, in reality, as much as possible doesn't look like all day long. But a bus journey, in a one to one setting, with no other distractions is a pretty good situation to make a real effort, although with all the background noise from the engine, you would have to be quite, erm, loud.

It seems there are a lot of irritable people out there. I commuted for over an hour each day for years and was never really bothered when people were having conversations with each other, or on their phones.
The only really annoying thing was people using mobile phones as music speakers, and blasting their tinny music around the train. But conversations were always fine, to children or adults.

Oh, yes, Performance Parenting is gender neutral. I posted last week about a father I encountered in an art gallery loudly talking to his three-year-old about pointillism and how they were going to do a dotty picture together when they got home whilst all the time sliding his eyes round at me to check that I was appreciating his superior parenting.

OP sounds annoying. As others have said, that "parenting" must have been very loud indeed to provoke a member of the public into speaking to her. A parent talking clearly and/or loudly to a child can indicate special needs if they are minding their own business but in my experience 99% of it is showing off. "Look, Oscar, a car!" is in a different league from "Oscar, shall we choose some potatoes? Now, potatoes are not vegetables, are they? A potato is a tuber " (genuinely heard in Waitrose - and certainly directed more at me than at Oscar).

As others have said, that "parenting" must have been very loud indeed to provoke a member of the public into speaking to her.

Because members of the public are always reasonable, and never, ever arseholes themselves.

and certainly directed more at me than at Oscar)

Is it a natural gift, telepathy, or are you trained?

For children who do not have speech delays, a direct correlation has been suggested between the volume of words that a child has been exposed to and educational outcomes at school.

I don't know the details, I'm in a car park right now, so I can look later.