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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how the hell we are meant to parent!

212 replies

PERFORMACEPARENT · 17/09/2017 22:05

I am a parent of 2, a 5yo, and a 3.5yo with additional needs. I have recently in public been told to tone down my performance parenting, this has led me to here! I don't use mumsnet and find soo many of the posts on here difficult to swallow especailly since its mostly judgemental. I am here to ask WTF is this performance parenting shit about. The person who approached me to tone it down knew nothing about me and my son and was met with a polite 'sorry, although I am theatre trained, I am afraid to say I am not putting on a preformance for anyone. I am comunicating with my son who needs are additional to most'. I talk in a projected voice as my son suffered with glue ear and due to multiple health issues is non verbal and yes I sit on the bus and ask him to point to said item or count the cars ect. It's called parenting! I could sit him watching peppa pig on a tablet but I am sure people would comment on that too. What about when I am out with my 5yo and she is close to melt down and I have two options I could play a game with her to distract her from this, or let her melt down and ruin lots of peoples day that way istead. SO WTF and AIBU to be an interactive parent!?!?!?!?!

OP posts:
Doctorsavvy22 · 17/09/2017 22:41

Don't see anything wrong with it. You weren't being abusive, you weren't being neglectful. You are just being louder than others. It's a bus ride, not a maths exam. Don't understand why people are so annoyed by it. Though agree, the theatre training didn't need to be added lol.

Original poster
PERFORMACEPARENT · 17/09/2017 22:41

I could have but that wasnt the resoponce that came out in the curcumstances. I am happy to see these responces so I have one in my bank for next time someone comments

OP posts:
Joinourclub · 17/09/2017 22:41

I fucking hate the term performance parenting. Just another way to criticise other mums. I only hear it on here though, not in real life. Probably because I mostly know kind, compassionate and tolerant people. I don't recognise the bitchiness and superiority on here from my own life thank God.

Spikeyball · 17/09/2017 22:46

Do what you need to do but loud voices in general, wind my son up so I would have to move away from you if you were doing it near us.

hazeyjane · 17/09/2017 22:46

Oh fuck, I sign to ds and talk bollocks, all whilst he is playing with the iPad, and I've not even had theatre training..I'm doomed aren't I.

Spikeyball · 17/09/2017 22:46

Do what you need to do but loud voices in general, wind my son up so I would have to move away from you if you were doing it near us.

Boulshired · 17/09/2017 22:46

My son is older now and it is more obvious he is disabled, when he was a toddler I did use makaton not because he understood it but more it gave those around a clear signal. I did not care what others thought but it did cease unhelpful comments.

Aridane · 17/09/2017 22:48

Dunno - sorry - think you must have been particularly annoying for it to have elicited comment

raspberrysuicide · 17/09/2017 22:50

It depends if you were looking around trying to see if anyone was impressed with your parenting skills

KrytensNanobots · 17/09/2017 22:53

How the hell can anyone be annoyed at someone talking to their child and asking them to count cars or whatever?!
You can bet your ass the same people would be the ones who'd complain if you ignored your kids and just let them get on with it as you looked at your phone instead of interacting with them.
I find you can't win whatever you do as a parent, so do what works for you and leave the whingers to themselves in their own little misery bubble.

Original poster
PERFORMACEPARENT · 17/09/2017 22:54

raspberrysuicide no I wasn't HAHA, when out on my own I bury my head in the sand and dont communicate unless it polite or needed.
TBH its very un impressive that I have a non verbal 3 year old who can only sign a dozen things not sure I could brag really

OP posts:
Doctorsavvy22 · 17/09/2017 22:56

Never heard of performance parenting before, is it new term of judgement?

Original poster
PERFORMACEPARENT · 17/09/2017 22:57

Doctorsavvy22 yep- it appears it became popular on this site a couple of months ago and was used elsewhere in articals since.

OP posts:
StickySweatyArseCrack · 17/09/2017 22:59

You actually said "I am theatre trained"? How embarrassing.

CommunistLegoBloc · 17/09/2017 23:00

'Although I am theatre trained' 😂 You didn't. Oh god.

Original poster
PERFORMACEPARENT · 17/09/2017 23:01

first thing that came to my head, because I am. I said it as politely as she made her comment.

OP posts:
llangennith · 17/09/2017 23:01

Well the consensus seems to be you carry on performance parenting in your loud voice and annoying the hell out of everybody around you. But it's ok because you're theatre trained and have a DC with SN.

whichwaynow82 · 17/09/2017 23:02

Didn't realise I did it - but yeah I performance Parent

hazeyjane · 17/09/2017 23:03

sorry, although I am theatre trained, I am afraid to say I am not putting on a preformance for anyone

I can only hear this in the voice of Stephen Toast.

dobbyclub · 17/09/2017 23:03

Performance parenting isn't loud and theatrical parenting, that's fine, if you're doing it solely for the benefit of your child. All fine and not pp.
Performance parenting is when you're doing as detailed above but also constantly looking around at all the other adults expecting them to applaud your brilliant parenting.
It is painfully obvious and cringey when it's happening.

You would think, but from the complaints on here some mumsnetters seem to think talking to your kids in public about literally anything they consider to be a bit above your station. Judgemental is not the word!
(My toddler is obsessed with pointing out the numbers/letters/colours on car number plates, which I join in with as don't want to ignore him and he lovesit - no doubt I've pissed someone off doing this)

Original poster
PERFORMACEPARENT · 17/09/2017 23:04

But I wasn't performance parenting unless you want to call communicating with a child performance parent. I said I am theatre trained because she told me to tone the theatrics down. It just seemed whitty and TBH we dont come up with the best lines always immediately cosidering it was the first time i heard the term i didnt have an automated responce

OP posts:
SparklyUnicornPoo · 17/09/2017 23:05

The trouble is OP until I started working with kids with SN I had no idea how necessary constant cheerful chatter and oh look there's a bus type stuff was, I can't be the only parent this has never occurred to and it is really annoying, I even annoy myself doing it, so a short 'I'm not doing it for your benefit, DS has addition needs' might be better than your slightly theatrical response.

Candlemiss · 17/09/2017 23:05

I have a non verbal daughter with SEN. We have a programme developed by her SEN psychologists to increase her experience of language and the spoken word. To saturate her with clear and concise conversation, in fact. But I don't do it on the bus because it really can be pretty annoying when you don't need the input. It won't set her back 10 years to be quiet for half an hour.

Original poster
PERFORMACEPARENT · 17/09/2017 23:06

high five dobbyclub

OP posts:
opheliacat · 17/09/2017 23:06

Just stop bellowing like a school play in public.