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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how the hell we are meant to parent!

212 replies

PERFORMACEPARENT · 17/09/2017 22:05

I am a parent of 2, a 5yo, and a 3.5yo with additional needs. I have recently in public been told to tone down my performance parenting, this has led me to here! I don't use mumsnet and find soo many of the posts on here difficult to swallow especailly since its mostly judgemental. I am here to ask WTF is this performance parenting shit about. The person who approached me to tone it down knew nothing about me and my son and was met with a polite 'sorry, although I am theatre trained, I am afraid to say I am not putting on a preformance for anyone. I am comunicating with my son who needs are additional to most'. I talk in a projected voice as my son suffered with glue ear and due to multiple health issues is non verbal and yes I sit on the bus and ask him to point to said item or count the cars ect. It's called parenting! I could sit him watching peppa pig on a tablet but I am sure people would comment on that too. What about when I am out with my 5yo and she is close to melt down and I have two options I could play a game with her to distract her from this, or let her melt down and ruin lots of peoples day that way istead. SO WTF and AIBU to be an interactive parent!?!?!?!?!

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 18/09/2017 08:38

@twattymctwatterson, the OP has said that she was not on a bus. The woman could have walked away.

Performance parenting - it's something I've never witnessed myself, that's why I find it hard to believe it's more than our perception of what parents are doing, we can't read their minds after all. For example, my DH has a voice that carries and when we've been to the York Railway Museum he's enjoyed telling our DDs all about it. He's not thinking about how he looks to others, he's just enjoying his day out with his DDs. Some of you would think he was performance parenting.

upperlimit · 18/09/2017 08:40

Not on a bus? Blush I'm going to have to go back through the thread.

Mittens1969 · 18/09/2017 08:43

Although my DM might well be 'performance grandparenting' sometimes, is that a thing??? She certainly annoying at times, keeps talking. I've never thought about that before. Grin

guilty100 · 18/09/2017 08:45

It sounds to me like there is a confusion here between performance parenting and loud parenting.

You actually don't sound like a performance parent. You sound like a loud parent (who has good reason to be loud) interacting with their child. Maybe just consider whether there are occasions where you could dial down the volume a bit, but otherwise don't change anything, you sound like a great mum.

Performance parenting, to me, is something a bit different. It's where a parent is talking to the child, but not really for the sake of interacting with them - it's for the benefit of oneupmanship with every adult in the vicinity. So it veers off into all kinds of interactions that children find dull and unnecessary, e.g. 'Oh Nathaniel, that's the NON-ORGANIC pasta, and we only have pasta in our house. Oh darling, can you remember what country pasta is from? No, not the moon, sweetie, it's from ITALY, remember our holiday at the luxury villa with a private pool in Tuscany last year?' Always with glances at all surrounding adults to ensure they are paying attention.

guilty100 · 18/09/2017 08:46

Oops, that was supposed to say: 'and we only have ORGANIC pasta in our house'

Slartybartfast · 18/09/2017 08:47

Grin guilty

procrastinationsupremo · 18/09/2017 08:49

I am a speech and language therapist. I absolutely advise people to talk to their children in a clear voice, using facial expression and gesture to support understanding. A bus journey is a good opportunity to do this as you are sitting down, close together with lots of opportunity to point out things of interest etc. Until reading posts on MN it honestly wouldn't have occurred to me that this would ever be something that would annoy people to the extent that they would admonish the parent in question (or at all really!). When did everyone get so bloody miserable and intolerant!

Fekko · 18/09/2017 08:51

Performance parenting can be amusing though

Look at that painting John
Doggy wooof!
No Johnny it's a pony. Po-neee. Like the ponies we saw when we went trekking in outer Mongolia? Remember? What did daddy say when the locals tried to make him chief? Do you remember Johnny? Yes? And they have you your very own pony? And we ate aardvark wrapped in gold and sprinkled with diamonds?Johnny?
Woof

Sandsunsea · 18/09/2017 08:52

I wish everyone would fuck off with their judgmental intolerant bitchy fucking opinions of parenting. It's a hard bastard job for everyone and we are all just trying our best. How about we just support each other and stop inventing "parenting types" to criticise and bring each other down. Angry

Fekko · 18/09/2017 08:55

Yup it's a hard job - who said it was easy?

procrastinationsupremo · 18/09/2017 08:55

Just to add, not every parent wants to list their children's additional needs to a stranger on a bus and they shouldn't bloody well have to!

Kleinzeit · 18/09/2017 08:58

Some people are just rude. Don't justify yourself to them. If you have theatre training then draw yourself up, channel Lady Bracknell and tell them "my parenting is my own business". If you have a child with additional needs then you may find you inner Lady Bracknell very useful over the years.

Fekko · 18/09/2017 09:00

Its usually pretty obvious which parents are engaging with their child and which are playing to the gallery. I love to see parents interacting with their children and playing games with them. I'm more amused by those who just want to talk loudly to all in sundry about their holiday, cars, houses in the country etc as their child just ignores them.

Dreams16 · 18/09/2017 09:00

Ignore others carry on I'm of the opinion so long as your looking after your child/children showing them how much they are loved and cared for the world is awful at times and really it would not bother me to see a parent interact with their own child that way it would make me smile sadly there are some sour grapes out there that have nothing better to do than moan

I'd be more annoyed at a child screaming and jumping all over the place than that

Carry on doing what you do op you know your own child best not some arse of a stranger

kateandme · 18/09/2017 09:03

I want to be a performance parent.i want to help them leanr about the world by being overly(theatricaly) enthusiastic about everything.to get them to point out bears and red cars and signs.yes I do.to see my childs face of wonder.yes I do.
to act out the stories we read with characters voices and make it real and exciting for them yes I do.
do I think I can still be a good parent who can no when to be quieter and when I should judge others for how they parent.yes I do.
let mums and kids be a little noisier.not noisy.let them have fun.let them no when others maybe wants some quiet.show judgement on specific situation not judgement on people.
there is loud and there is family.
there is performance parenting and there is just showing your child this whole new word and teaching them how amazing it can be because ultimately its a whole new place day to day to them.it hasn't yet gotten to depressing quite feeling shit bout life yet.good on em.

intergalacticbrexitdisco · 18/09/2017 09:03

I'm imagining being trapped in a confined space with the lovechild of Justin Fletcher and Brian Blessed, now. I may require counselling.

JassyRadlett · 18/09/2017 09:05

I wish everyone would fuck off with their judgmental intolerant bitchy fucking opinions of parenting. It's a hard bastard job for everyone and we are all just trying our best. How about we just support each other and stop inventing "parenting types" to criticise and bring each other down.

Oh but it's a Mumsnet rule. You are never, ever allowed to judge what looks like shit parenting by another person, but if someone is parenting attentively/loudly AND positively (shouting abuse gets you a pass) then we should feel free to mock, judge and pull them up for a public dressing down.

Some of the caricatures 'parents' described by those who have this inflicted on them so regularlydo sound irritating; I struggle to believe they exist. Some parents almost certainly do go over the top, or do it cack handedly. Parents are all human.

(Unwilling audiences: There is a teeny, tiny chance that their parenting has nothing at all to do with you.)

JeNeSuisPasVotreMiel · 18/09/2017 09:09

You spelt your own name wrong.

And writing in capitals is SHOUTING, as I suspect your fellow bus passengers are well aware.

Bekabeech · 18/09/2017 09:16

Okay my three comments.

  1. People will make awful comments about your parenting, and even more will through you looks, whatever you do. On the other hand sometimes people are very complimentary or look approvingly. AND there may be very very little difference between the two occasions (literally seconds at times in my experience). You just need to grow a thick skin.

  2. It is possible to direct your voice, so that the sound is heard by the one you are directing it to, and not everyone around.

  3. Any one who says they have "no filter" needs to look at themselves carefully, because this often means they think they have a right to be rude.

Easilyflattered · 18/09/2017 09:16

Were you signing to your child when they asked you to tone it down?

If so, then it's very ignorant on their part.

Guilty100 has performance parenting described to a tee, there's an element of feeling superior whilst trying to make others feel inferior, rather than just being overly loud and effusive. IMO.

MiaowTheCat · 18/09/2017 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JWrecks · 18/09/2017 10:04

I could sit him watching peppa pig on a tablet but I am sure people would comment on that too.

No. The wouldn't do that on the bus, would they? If he had headphones and weren't broadcasting it to the entire bus, nobody would ever say a word. I'm sure you know that.

It's really only when somebody is talking and carrying on loud enough that they can't hear all the tutting and the rest of the bus has to hear it that people comment.

BoomBoomBoomBoooom · 18/09/2017 10:20

Projecting your voice is annoying and unnecessary in public especially on a bus.

You are a knob.

There are plenty with additional needs who will not be being helped with your loud and unneeded parenting. You need to learn to think of others on the bus. Upsetting a bus full of people is not needed, I'm sure your son will be okay to have a quieter conversation for the 20/30 minutes you were on the bus. You have the rest of the day to project your voice at him.

DuncanDonut · 18/09/2017 10:20

HANG ON!
You weren't on a bus? Why were you talking about how long your bus journey can be then? It's totally irrelevant. Where WERE you? It does kind of make deciding if you were unreasonable difficult if you we don't know if you were in a library, a cafe, a park etc...

Projected voices are annoying. It's rude to force people to listen to your loud twaddle.

plantsitter · 18/09/2017 10:26

I haven't read the thread.

Performance parenting is a term thought up by people who think that just because they are irritated by something it is the something that needs to stop and not they that needs to just fucking deal with it.

If people genuinely are parenting for the sake of others the best thing is to give it no attention because that's what the performer wants.

Otherwise, and most commonly, they are just getting on with their own lives so just leave them to it.

Things are irritating in life. The end.

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