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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how the hell we are meant to parent!

212 replies

PERFORMACEPARENT · 17/09/2017 22:05

I am a parent of 2, a 5yo, and a 3.5yo with additional needs. I have recently in public been told to tone down my performance parenting, this has led me to here! I don't use mumsnet and find soo many of the posts on here difficult to swallow especailly since its mostly judgemental. I am here to ask WTF is this performance parenting shit about. The person who approached me to tone it down knew nothing about me and my son and was met with a polite 'sorry, although I am theatre trained, I am afraid to say I am not putting on a preformance for anyone. I am comunicating with my son who needs are additional to most'. I talk in a projected voice as my son suffered with glue ear and due to multiple health issues is non verbal and yes I sit on the bus and ask him to point to said item or count the cars ect. It's called parenting! I could sit him watching peppa pig on a tablet but I am sure people would comment on that too. What about when I am out with my 5yo and she is close to melt down and I have two options I could play a game with her to distract her from this, or let her melt down and ruin lots of peoples day that way istead. SO WTF and AIBU to be an interactive parent!?!?!?!?!

OP posts:
SunSeptember · 17/09/2017 22:22

OP in am soooo Sorry you experienced this, people may think what they like but how rude and nasty to actually say it. Life is hard enough with small DC let alone those with additional needs. Try And think of the level of personal who would say that too you. It's pretty low.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/09/2017 22:22

Performance parenting isn't loud and theatrical parenting, that's fine, if you're doing it solely for the benefit of your child. All fine and not pp.
Performance parenting is when you're doing as detailed above but also constantly looking around at all the other adults expecting them to applaud your brilliant parenting.

It is painfully obvious and cringey when it's happening.

BertrandRussell · 17/09/2017 22:22

" don't have a filter and had to say what I though as I said it."

Well, you don't actually have to......

Bambamber · 17/09/2017 22:22

Others probably think I partake in performance parenting. I sing to my DC, pull funny faces, dance, talk to her and describe what's around us and talk in silly voices. All regardless of being at home or in public, I mean heaven forbid I entertain my DC even when out! But you know what, my DC loves it and is all smiles and that's all I care about. Obviously when out I keep the volume down to minimise disruption to others, but if my DC is upset or bored then of course I'm going to do what I can to bring smiles back. Sod the miserable lot that expects everyone to do what they deem to be acceptable, you do whatwhat's right for you

tigerdriverII · 17/09/2017 22:23

Any reason you can't sit quietly on the bus and save the preformance for yourselves

MistressPage · 17/09/2017 22:23

Performance parenting is made up by twats who have nothing better to do than get the hump and grumble about parents parenting their young children. You carry on OP and ignore any old miseries who moan at you. I talk to my son constantly when we're out and about and I couldn't give a shit what anyone else thinks about that. Mumsnet seems full of people who just can't handle the world going on around them. Only the other week on here I saw someone suggest in total seriousness that it would be appropriate to call the actual police to complain about the noise from a next door neighbour walking up and down their stairs 😂. If people can't handle the noise of you talking to your son that's their problem and not yours Flowers

Iheartjordanknight · 17/09/2017 22:23

Oh I tell racous men to STFU all the time.

Original poster
PERFORMACEPARENT · 17/09/2017 22:24

HAHA yep maybe not 'the best' idea to come on mumsnet and call it a judgemental place but it is, most of the world is. I just think that maybe some of you should think before you 'judge' I spend several hours a week on public transport with my son so talking to him is nessasary and that means he is learning.

OP posts:
PoppyPopcorn · 17/09/2017 22:25

Talking = fine.

Theatrically projecting loudly = probably not fine, depending on the lcoation.

formerbabe · 17/09/2017 22:26

Any reason you can't sit quietly on the bus and save the preformance for yourselves

There is no requirement to sit in silence on a bus. The op is perfectly entitled to speak to her DC.

Sandsunsea · 17/09/2017 22:26

You should learn the sign for "knobjockey" and next time turn to your son and theatrically sign "look at this knobjockey!"
That woman isn't worth anymore of your thought time, ignore her, you are doing great.

MadMags · 17/09/2017 22:26

I don't think some of you know what performance parenting is...

Sparklesocks · 17/09/2017 22:29

Hi OP, you of course know your DC better than anyone, and know the best way to interact with them and what they respond to best. Nobody should question that.

However, your post is a bit aggressive in tone and it feels like you've written off a lot of MN before even giving them a chance. It seems like you're trying to provoke a negative response. Most MN commenters are lovely and welcoming, but this might not be the best way to bring that out of them.

PacificDogwod · 17/09/2017 22:30

'Performance parenting' is all about showing off - your own parenting brilliance and your DC's genius.
Projecting your voice and signing does not equal performance parenting.

Either the person commenting was a twat or your were PP your DS - even parents with DCs with additional needs can be guilty of showing off Wink

I talk quite loudly, always have down, I try to tone it down but am guilty of forgetting. I sometimes catch myself 'performance parenting' as it must seem to others when I am just my noisy self Blush

Just do yer own thing.
Leave rude people to it.

Original poster
PERFORMACEPARENT · 17/09/2017 22:32

wheresmycake- its not a bad idea to have something along those lines in my bank of things to say. or print out cards as no one has ever heard of his syndrome

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 17/09/2017 22:32

I don't use mumsnet and find soo many of the posts on here difficult to swallow especailly since its mostly judgemental

Starting off judging the people on here while asking a question is a bit of a bad start!

As previous posters have said there is a world of difference between PP and watching Peppa Pig and a multitude of things to do in between without annoying the hell out of everyone around you.

I cant believe you said that whole speil about you being theatrical trained! It had nothing to do with it.

All you had to say was my son is slightly deaf and I have to speak louder for him to hear me, I am not doing it for anyone elses benefit. Anyone would have understood that.

Real PP is when the person is obviously looking around the bus, cafe etc to make sure that everyone else is appreciates how fabulous a parent they are, now that is annoying, not ordinary interacting with your kids.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/09/2017 22:34

'I'm Theatre Trained'. Oh god, I can picture it now 😖

You can interact with your DS without making a performance out of it, honestly you can. Go out, watch other parents, learn how to 'parent' your DS without pissing off the rest of the bus. It's totally possible. Truly.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/09/2017 22:34

Formerbabe - yes, discussions on mumsnet are focused on women and children. Funny that.

All loud people in public are irritating, be they raucous businessmen, drunken stags, performance parents. I don't want to listen to them.

Binghasalottoanswerfor · 17/09/2017 22:35

Well said Arethereanyleft

Sprogs22 · 17/09/2017 22:36

I love seeing parents over the top with their kids, doesn't bother me at all. I actually think it's really bloody rude of somebody to even get involved in somebody else's parenting like that. You weren't neglecting him or abusing him so why the hell do they think it's okay to tell you to tone it down?!

Original poster
PERFORMACEPARENT · 17/09/2017 22:37

Willow2017 I say this because its how i feel when I read to posts and the comments get intense extreamly quickly in every thread I see.
AnnieAnoniMouse I sign and project so my child can understand me simple as that he needs it.

OP posts:
MrsWhirly · 17/09/2017 22:38

It drives me mental when I'm on the train and there is a loud mum going For example, "Oh look daring, a rainbow- what are the colours..." oh loudly and theatrically reading a book to her childAngryTHAT SAID I apppreciate seeing a parent interact and not just stare at their phone. I also think it was very rude of the person to approach you and say that. I just put my headphones in.

AnonBCofHate · 17/09/2017 22:38

Just ignore them and keep doing a good job like you know you are.

PacificDogwod · 17/09/2017 22:38

I sign and project so my child can understand me simple as that he needs it.

Well, and that exact sentence would have been a perfectly appropriate thing to say to anybody who saw fit to comment on what you were doing.
I don't understand where 'theatre trained' comes in to it? Confused

Kewcumber · 17/09/2017 22:39

You couldn;t just have said

"I'm sorry he doesn't hear well so I have to be a bit louder for him to hear"?

I had a near- non-verbal 3 year old and I can't say I felt the need to project my voice on a bus.

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