AIBU to ask how the hell we are meant to parent!

[PERFORMACEPARENT]

I am a parent of 2, a 5yo, and a 3.5yo with additional needs. I have recently in public been told to tone down my performance parenting, this has led me to here! I don't use mumsnet and find soo many of the posts on here difficult to swallow especailly since its mostly judgemental. I am here to ask WTF is this performance parenting shit about. The person who approached me to tone it down knew nothing about me and my son and was met with a polite 'sorry, although I am theatre trained, I am afraid to say I am not putting on a preformance for anyone. I am comunicating with my son who needs are additional to most'. I talk in a projected voice as my son suffered with glue ear and due to multiple health issues is non verbal and yes I sit on the bus and ask him to point to said item or count the cars ect. It's called parenting! I could sit him watching peppa pig on a tablet but I am sure people would comment on that too. What about when I am out with my 5yo and she is close to melt down and I have two options I could play a game with her to distract her from this, or let her melt down and ruin lots of peoples day that way istead. SO WTF and AIBU to be an interactive parent!?!?!?!?!

Dobbyclub - ahhh new one to me! Now you say it though, I know the types haha!

Performance parent - completely get what you mean, sometimes we say the most random of things when surprised by a comment somebody makes. Especially if it involves something you are actually qualified in. You'll say anything that comes into your head ha! Keep on doing what you're doing. You could be the ripest, most juiciest peach (parent) in the world and there'll always be some f*er who doesn't like peaches.

opheliacat unless you were the perso who said the comment to me, you cannot know how I was talking and dealing with my son.

I don't drive and we do 2 school runs mutiple trips to hospital(main one is 1.5hours on a bus) and general erranda so it isnt just half an hour we are out of the house.

I don't know, but I can well imagine!

I am probably similar but it's pretty obvious to people my son has SN I don't give two hoots if it's annoying, we are constantly on public transport for hospital appointments that he doesn't want to go to. Keeping him happy so he will cooperate is my only concern.
I might glance around occasionally but mainly due to see if I need to distract him from people staring. He has facial injuries and people do stare and make comments regardless of my parenting.
However we usually try and sit as far away from anyone else as possible.
You know your child and what works, just try and developer a thick skin and ignore those that judge

I must admit, although I really enjoy MN on the whole, it can make me feel like a paranoid wreck sometimes, if I don't have a word with myself. I had no idea so many people were secretly seething about things that I don't think would ever have occurred to me before reading about it on here. I think performance parenting is often a sign of self-consciousness because people are afraid of being silently judged, e.g. 'Oh dear Jane, you've got mud all over your trousers, we'll have to get them straight in the washing machine when we get home', in case people think you're dressing your child in filthy rags, etc. etc. I used to be able to tell myself 'no one is looking at you and judging, they've got their own stuff to worry about', but now I know that's not true! Now I have to try and tell myself I just don't care (even though I do a bit).

Theatre trained! I'm embarrassed for you just from reading that. Theatre trained

I do get sick of the term performance parenting, OP, because I really don't believe it actually exists, except in the minds of mumsnetters, who think parents really care about entertaining strangers on public transport. Nothing could be further from my mind, believe me.

Some people just love to moan, I think.

The OP mentioned being theatre trained because she was told to stop the theatrics. I think she was trying to be funny.

You're doing a great job,OP. That passenger was terribly rude to say that to you.

Procrastinationsupremo - literally just described myself, nice to read I'm not the only self conscious one with things like that x

You're hilarious, OP

I can't work out if you're theatre trained in comedy or tragedy performances.

Performance, theatrical types are so affected. I haven't got much time for them.

Very brave to post in AIBU op :)

I have 2 dc, my son has AS and he is 14.

We were at a museum around 5 years ago and he is petrified of lifts, my dd was only a baby and I had her in the buggy.
Was trying to figure out what to do about letting him walk up and meet us at the next floor and some woman just went " just get in the fucking lift " I swear to god it's not often I'm lost for words!

Then I told her he has issues with lifts and confined spaces whilst trying to remain calm. Some people are just plain ignorant.

You do what's right for YOUR family and sod what anyone else thinks.

You would think, but from the complaints on here some mumsnetters seem to think talking to your kids in public about literally anything they consider to be a bit above your station

I've only ever seen posters assume that's what people are referring to.

No matter how many times they're told performance parenting isn't actually just talking to your child.

TBH I don't think you were performance parenting at all. Your son has additional needs and you were communicating with them in what you know to be the correct way.

Having said that the theatrically trained comment was a ridiculous thing to say and it doesn't paint you in the best light it is very cringy. Also I have to say that yes you do have the right to communicate with your children however you want to but you were in a public space and this person was perfectly within their rights to ask you to keep it down although it sounds like they were very rude in the way they asked you.

The point is, Raizel, that the OP is in fact theatrically trained, ironically. I think it just came out because she was in shock.

Drsavvy22 😊. My daughter has recently decided my bottle of Diet Coke (shamelessly addicted) is her all time FAVOURITE toy. When out and about I am frequently to be heard saying loudly 'oh, are you PLAYING with MUMMY'S drink. You're PRETENDING to drink it'. Otherwise I'm terrified I'll see a thread on here ('AIBU to judge this woman') describing how the poster saw someone pushing their toddler (who quite frankly could have been walking) in a buggy, whilst said toddler chugged on a bottle of Diet Coke....

I'm an interactive parent but a quieter one and my children don't have SEN. Its understandable that you need to speak louder and I'd be ok with it as long as you weren't too annoying. Some people don't interact with their kids at all which is much much much worse

God, some people are absolute dicks! Just ignore them OP, you can talk to your child any way you like. People will judge no matter what you do, even though they have absolutely no right to, so you may as well do whatever you like. There's always some patronising smart arse who just HAS to say something & thinks they're so cool for doing so, fuck off! There was a thread the other day saying you can't talk loud on trains, & now you can't talk to your kids without being accused of showing off, it's absolutely pathetic & I don't know who the hell some people think they are telling others what to do!

True performance parenting has to contain an element of showing off such as using words beyond your child's age so you are probably not actually performance parenting.

SureJan you are my new hero.

I can't believe the incredibly pompous spiel you delivered was the first thing that popped into your head.
Just stick to saying your DC has a hearing deficit and special educational needs or whatever in the future. Your theatre training has fuck all to do with anything.
My daughter has suffered with glue ear and has severe global delay. I need to be clear and concise and rather repetitive and I do read her books in public when she demands. I do adjust the volume though out of consideration as I know it can be annoying.

OP, it sounds like you were being loud and annoying those around you, and the woman made a snap judgement based on your theatre-trained voice and didn't take the time to consider any hearing issues your children might have.

Everyone's got their own stuff going on, and it's annoying when other people's lives encroach on ours especially when we don't have headphones to block out someone else's loud conversations.

She was rude in the way she spoke to you when she could have just said 'could you please be a bit quieter?', but your dramatic reaction sounds a bit OTT too.

• and "whose needs are additional to most"! - Are you Brian Sewell's secret love-child?

But she shouldn't have to explain to anyone why she's talking like she is! If she wants to/has to then she can!
I try to be considerate & wouldn't purposely annoy anyone, but interacting with my child however I like will always be far more important to me than giving a shit what a bunch of strangers thinks of me for doing so.
I can't believe that something like this would irritate someone so much that they feel the need to actually confront the person! Get a grip, it's a mum talking to her kid!
Procastinationsupremo, thanks, it's nice to know that not everyone is a miserable, mean, precious busybody!

There's no rule that says you must not speak on the bus, at least not the last time I looked

Seriously by the sound of it I'd rather you gave him the iPad love.