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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not discuss my period with my dh

213 replies

Imabanana · 10/09/2017 11:41

Just that, been married 21 years but I like to keep it to myself. Partly because I don't want him to know the details and partly because I'd hate to be accused of being hormonal if he knew it was that time of the month for me. I have 3 daughters and it's never brought up. It's not a secret or shameful, I'll ask them if they need pads etc it's just not mentioned as part of conversation. I have a feeling that this is unusual. I wondered if any other families are the same?

OP posts:

endofacentury · 10/09/2017 11:43

What would be wrong with being hormonal? My period affects me badly every month and everyone knows about it 😂 it's not something that is a secret

KeiraTwiceKnightley · 10/09/2017 11:44

What happens if he instigates sex when you're having your period? Do you coyly slide away murmuring something about a headache? Or go ahead and hope he doesn't notice??

It's a perfectly normal body function. Nothing to broadcast from the hills, bit nothing to be ashamed of either.

And your daughters don't have to be ashamed either.

MyYoniFromHull · 10/09/2017 11:45

I only mention on a need to know basis. Because no one likes that kind of surprise
Except when I'm complaining about never ending bleeding as my coil is old now and reminding him he was going to be asking about vasectomy... The conversation is always remarkably brief

KeiraTwiceKnightley · 10/09/2017 11:45

Is this for real, actually? I can't quite believe that a western woman in 2017 thinks this is necessary and is inflicting the same attitudes on her teen dds.

Original poster

Imabanana · 10/09/2017 11:48

I'm sure they're not ashamed, just private! I'd hate to be accused of being hormonal because I want to be taken seriously, I'd hate to think my thoughts were put down to " it must be her period " . Yes I do just try and avoid sex, go to sleep, get up quick in the morning!

OP posts:

gamerchick · 10/09/2017 11:48

What happens if he instigates sex when you're having your period? Do you coyly slide away murmuring something about a headache? Or go ahead and hope he doesn't notice??

I think they would notice a bit of crime scene sex is happening

Nothing wrong with being hormonal OP, mine appreciates a heads up if I'm heading to an unreasonable teary few days. Hormones suck like that.

Ginkypig · 10/09/2017 11:50

Well I don't hide it but I don't announce it either.

If it becomes relevant il mention it, for example can you add tampons to the shopping or (when walking down the street together) oh fuck I need to find a toilet now I think or We might need an ark soon etc but otherwise I feel no need to talk about it.

Sallystyle · 10/09/2017 11:51

If your husband would accuse you of being hormonal in a negative way then he is an arse.

DH knows when I'm on my period. I tell him. They are heavy and horrible so I have a moan. He also knows because I often ask him to pick me up some tampons if I'm running low.

I don't understand your attitude at all. But then I'm not married to someone who doesn't take me seriously because I'm on my period.

Bombardier25966 · 10/09/2017 11:56

Be more open with your husband, definitely be more open with your daughters.

My mum was like this, and whilst I'm sure it was not her intention, it made me feel like periods were something to be ashamed of, something to be hidden. They're not, they're part and parcel of being a woman.

It's really sad that you feel you have to get up quick in the morning to avoid sex, all for not wanting to say you're bleeding. Relax, if you don't want sex then say so and say why, have a good cuddle instead.

Cynara · 10/09/2017 11:57

I'm really surprised by this. I don't announce my period as such, but as DP and I live in the same house he's pretty much up to date with when it's happening. Sometimes I tell him we'd better have sex soon, because if we don't we won't be having it for a few days because my period's due (I'm very romantic. I think it was my feminine mystique that first attracted him to me...) I can't really see how something so normal and functional doesn't get mentioned in passing between a long term couple.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 10/09/2017 11:57

I think these things are really individual and one way isn't better or worse. I was astonished when I first started reading TTC threads at how many women said things like 'lol imagine if I talked about cervical mucus with DH! He'd be sick!'. I have the sort of marriage where I might call him into the loo and say 'now, would you say this mucus is stretchy or sticky?', and my period is anything but a secret from him - he once had to remove my mooncup when it got into a tricky position! I can't imagine being in a relationship where we couldn't talk and joke about these things, but we just all have different boundaries (we wouldn't, for instance, ever poo in front of each other, but lots of couples do). So long as you're well-matched and it's equal (I do, for instance, get a bit at men who think their own farts are a hilarious public joke, but expect their wives to act like they don't have bowels) then you can be as open or closed about your bodies as you like without it meaning anything deep about your relationship.

DameDoom · 10/09/2017 11:57

I find that a bit odd tbh but each to their own.
My DH is more than happy to buy tampons etc. for me and wash my period knicks.
Am peri and my life is one constant horrendous flooding period at the minute. DH is very understanding of my hormonal psychoses and completely unreasonable turns.
We also go to the toilet in front of each other.

Idontevencareanymore · 10/09/2017 11:58

I don't go out of my way to inform him in on my period. He does guess though when I wear undies to bed cause obvious reasons!!! And I don't usually.

I'm a dick around period time so Im pretty sure he works it out

ForagingForFaerieGold · 10/09/2017 11:58

Actually I can understand this in a way. Not my DH as such, but I do get fed up with my perfectly reasonable concerns being dismissed as PMT. Sometimes you're just upset/angry and with good reason. It's too easy for some men to just put it down to "hormones" rather than deal with the actual issue. I can only assume that the OP's DH is one of those men. Or at least she thinks he may be, based on past experience.

Gileswithachainsaw · 10/09/2017 12:00

I'm similar to pig

I don't put an ad in the paper to announce it but I don't hide it either. Do will.ask and/or buy my tampons if he's doing a shopping order.

Or I'll tell him to put some on

Or he will say they are in order would you like me to stock up on some.

I'll also tell him we can't have sex as I'm on.

I could certainly also tell him if I was seeing a Dr or something was up. And likewise he's tell me if he thought I should see a Dr as he's worried something's up.

It's certainly not a big secret. We have 2 dds if he's looking for a quiet life unaffected by periods he should probably leave now.

NightTerrier · 10/09/2017 12:01

I don't think I could do what you do, op. I do get hormonal and turn into the Wicked Witch of the West once a month and get crippling period pains.

I don't talk about it, but it's also difficult to hide iyswim. I don't mind DP knowing that I'm hormonal or thinking that I am as he'd be right.

My Mum used to warn all of us each month when PMT time struck. So, we'd know to approach with caution.

TheFirstMrsDV · 10/09/2017 12:03

There is a lot of scope between 'never mention lady things' and keeping all members of the family up to date with ovulation and menstrual cycles.

Its fine to be a private person. Its only on MN that we are supposed to take delight in menstrual blood and tell our 12 year old DS what brand of tampon we prefer.

Its not a good idea to have an air of secrecy about it whether you have boys or girls or both. Too many of us were bought up to feel ashamed and that should never be inflicted on any child.

Do what suits you but do consider you may be coming across differently than you think.

Original poster

Imabanana · 10/09/2017 12:03

I'm reassured there are others who only mention it in a brief need to know way. My dh is lovely, I think it's my hang ups that make me keep it to myself more than his reaction. I hope it's not a bad example to my girls but I also want them to not let it hold them back. I.e. If they have pain take paracetamol and get on with it.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2017 12:04

It does feel like you're trying to hide it. Why do you think he would accuse you of being hormonal? Has he done it before? Does your behaviour change?

For me it's a normal part of life, no different to having a headache or whatever. I will say something " I've got a really sore tummy, my period has started" my daughter would say the same. It's not some form of shameful secret and neither my daughter or I have ever been accused of being hormonal.

It feels also quite old fashioned. Like something you didn't offend men's sensibilities with 100 years ago.

DameDoom · 10/09/2017 12:04

When a pile once popped out, I couldn't wait to show DH. He took a normal amount of interest, wasn't repulsed in the slightest and then went to the pharmacy to buy Anusol

Felt dead grown-up having my own personal tube of pile cream .

ForagingForFaerieGold · 10/09/2017 12:06

Having said that, my DH claims he can tell when I'm on by my moody behaviour (and he's often right - the jammy git )

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/09/2017 12:09

I don't either OP. I doubt she could even tell you when I'm due on,mind you it has very little effect on me as I only bleed for 2-3 days if that and really light. Would be different if I had pain. No I'm peri menopausal he gets to hear about hit flushes etc instead

JemmyBloocher · 10/09/2017 12:13

Once my dh knows I have my period, then suddenly every time I disagree with him or seem annoyed or upset, it's 'oh dear, period isn't it' accompanied by a condescending smile and I then want to thump him. YANBU. It's not embarrassing or something to be ashamed of, I think it's reasonable to want to avoid it becoming a subject of discussion or a get out clause for others to be unreasonable or patronising wankers.

Trills · 10/09/2017 12:14

I'd hate to be accused of being hormonal if he knew it was that time of the month for me

I avoid that problem not by hiding my period, but by not living with people who would do that.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/09/2017 12:15

**hot

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