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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not discuss my period with my dh

213 replies

Imabanana · 10/09/2017 11:41

Just that, been married 21 years but I like to keep it to myself. Partly because I don't want him to know the details and partly because I'd hate to be accused of being hormonal if he knew it was that time of the month for me. I have 3 daughters and it's never brought up. It's not a secret or shameful, I'll ask them if they need pads etc it's just not mentioned as part of conversation. I have a feeling that this is unusual. I wondered if any other families are the same?

OP posts:
backintown · 10/09/2017 12:15

I think it is unusual. We've been together 15 years & for one week a month there is no sex - I'm not sure how I'd explain that without saying I have my period!? We are open about everything & try & teach the kids to be open & honest too, particularly when it comes to their bodies/emotions/feelings.

This 'pretend it isn't happening' stance must suit your husband too though. Do you talk about sex? All those years you've had of subterfuge to avoid being accused of being hormonal must be exhausting? I'm also wiped out physically during my very heavy peri-menopausal periods, it would be really strange not to be able to say why!

Where does your opinion that 'hormonal' women won't be taken seriously come from (genuine question)!?

Fruitcocktail6 · 10/09/2017 12:16

I think that seems like quite an old fashioned attitude.

We're having problems ttc so DP knows many details of my cycle tbh.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/09/2017 12:17

Just to clarify, we still have sex when I'm on and obviously I'd say something then, but it really doesn't have an impact,I feel very lucky as my sister has a rotten time of it.

alltouchedout · 10/09/2017 12:17

It's sort of obvious when I have my period. And if we're about to have sex and I'm on I'll remind him of that- it seems polite to alert him to the fact that things will be messy.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/09/2017 12:22

Dh asks me if I'm due on if I'm particularly grumpy. He's usually right. And so what? My endocrine system is in a mess. I'm peri menopausal. He's not horrible about it. I think dh was premenstrual himself this morning he's been very grumpy Wink. I think he's probably tired though.

coldcanary · 10/09/2017 12:26

I get you about the hormonal thing - if DH ever thinks I might be being an arse because I'm on my period he does have the good sense and self preservation skills to keep it to himself Grin. Otherwise we don't exactly discuss it, just a word or 2 in bed as necessary and he's very good at quietly passing me some paracetamol or rubbing my back when I need it. Apart from that my menstrual cycle doesn't really interest him to be honest!

Sashkin · 10/09/2017 12:32

I don't make a big announcement, but he usually knows before I do because apparently my body temperature goes up Blush.

Wearing pants to bed is also a bit of a giveaway.

Imabanana · 10/09/2017 12:35

Backintown
No we don't really discuss sex , but during the moment we obviously say what we like /want , but it's not discussed at other times. By hormonal I just mean if I was annoyed about something, I want that concern taken seriously not "you're pre menstrual see how you feel next week " but I don't know my dh would say this because I've not told him for 25 years😂.
I wouldn't dream of going to the toilet in front of him but we are great friends I just like to keep a little dignity!

OP posts:
titchy · 10/09/2017 12:35

Why do you think your husband wouldn't take you seriously if he knew you were having a period? Is he abusive? Mysoginistic? Living in the 1950s?

I'd be quite concerned about your reasons behind that thinking tbh. And address them before you pass that thinking onto your dds.

Dahlietta · 10/09/2017 12:37

Yup, 'period pants' the giveaway here too- and the vast quantities of ibuprofen consumed on days 1-2. I would also be unimpressed to put it mildly, if he ever belittled me by calling me 'hormonal' in the way the OP fears!

ShreddieTuesday · 10/09/2017 12:42

Meh, bet he knows.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 10/09/2017 12:45

Won't he find out when you suddenly can't have sex?!

That's how my DH finds out Grin

Italiangreyhound · 10/09/2017 12:49

Imabanana it's your choice to deal with it how you like.

Here's my take on it, feel free to ignore me.

I've never felt the need to talk to men generally about my periods but may have mentioned it to female friends or colleagues when I had periods, especially if I was in pain.

Periods are totally individual, for some of us there may be a lot pain, a lot of blood, sometimes sickness. I have no idea how many people just stick a tampon in and go rollerblading with a dalmatian dog or wind surfing in white shorts, or whatever else the tampon ads tell us to do!

What I would say is periods are normal, and some are bad, and incapacitating. For those who experience sickness, very strong emotions of upset or anger, massive blood loss etc, just taking a pain killer and getting on with it is not an option.

My dd's periods are very, very incapacitating at the moment. We've consulted the doc and she has a day off school when she needs it. I never tell school it is period-related. I don't need aggro on making medical-based decisions for my child.

However, I wish we lived in a world designed and run by and planned for women, or at least 50/50 where periods were normal (12 times a year for 40 years seems pretty normal to me). And where no one felt the need to judge others for how the other girl or woman's period affected them.

It's natural but it can hurt and be harmful. Like birth, I know people who vertuacally coughed and the baby fell out, it doesn't mean that for me giving birth to dd was not one of the most painful things in my life (up there with toothache and earache!).

Some people will be emotionally unaffected by their period. Good on them. My experience of myself, my sister and my dd is that that is not the case. So, just as teenagers may be affected by hormones, just as hot flushes or flashes may affect menopausal women, so periods may affect women, and are not an excuse to belittle their views at that time.

But that is just my view.

(now if I had a period emoji I would use it!)

PollytheDoily · 10/09/2017 12:54

My DH knows all the gory details every month. I like to share my pain Grin

Graphista · 10/09/2017 12:55

You don't talk about sex except when you're having sex either?! Shock

I can't imagine being so closed off with someone I'd been with that length of time and supposedly loved.

I'm completely open with all my sexual partners about periods, sex, emotions... I'm also completely open with my dd and as a result she feels no shame in buying sanitary products or discussing with friends.

How can you have a great experimental adventurous sex life if you never discuss sex? Do you not even comment on sex scenes on tv/films?

Imabanana · 10/09/2017 12:56

Italianhreyhound
I take on board your thoughts and to be honest as soon as I pressed post I thought my comment about just get on with it was insensitive and I'm surprised more people haven't picked up on it!
I think I feel a little bit angry on my daughters behalf that they have to cope with this when boys/ men don't. So I try to be practical as take pain killers use protection and try and live your life as the adverts! I know it's not possible for lots of women, but I don't like the drama of announcing " it's my period, I need to eat chocolate and I may be irrational " I find that making women a slave to homones not rational thought in a way men are not portrayed. I would also keep my daughter home from school if that's what she needed .

OP posts:
Cailleach666 · 10/09/2017 12:57

I don't mention it either- only on a need to know basis.
If we start to get amorous I do say, we may still go ahead but he may wish to change his type of activity.

My teenage DD menstruates, she doesn't mention it to me either.

I'm not sure it's necessary to make a family announcement when someone menstruates.

Skittlesss · 10/09/2017 12:59

I think it could be a generational thing. Please don't take offence at that, but I'm guessing you are in your mid 40s given that you have been together 25 years. My mum is in her 50s and told me that when she was younger her mum never spoke of periods and when she started hers she thought she was dying because she didn't know about them. It seems years ago people weren't as open about these things and I wonder if you were brought up the same?

I'm the complete opposite and tell my husband about mine and he never seems bothered. He doesn't use it against me in an argument, but don't think he would dare suggest I'm hormonal.

There's no shame in periods, but if you aren't comfortable talking to your DH about it then that's fine. Smile

Huffletuff · 10/09/2017 13:01

How strange.

My husband knows all the gory details too. He buys me pads, washes my knickers, if I kick off my pants to go in the shower to deal with after, he'll peel my pad off, wrap and bin it. He buys me chocolate, makes me hot water bottles, brings me pain killers and listens to my moaning. He'll rub my back at 3am when I'm crying in pain from the endo. If he mentioned that I was being stroppy because of my hormones, that would probably be true and I'd agree with him.

I thought all this was relatively normal. Perhaps I've been spoilt with men.

3DGlasses · 10/09/2017 13:03

Its all out in the open here!

I tell DH when I'm due so we can get some decent sex in before I turn into a lethargic, weeping monster Grin.

Seriously, though - my PMT is atrocious, so it makes sense to give fair warning.

I'm open with my DC, too. If I'm grumpy I'll tell them I've got my period and that it makes me grumpy sometimes. DS is really sweet about it and will often make me a cuppa Grin. DD just rolls her eyes...

Italiangreyhound · 10/09/2017 13:03

Graphista not everyone feels the need to discuss sex. It doesn't make people closed off. Maybe some would rather do it than talk about it and maybe some fund it not a particularly interested topic. Doesn't mean we are closed.

Italiangreyhound · 10/09/2017 13:04

Find not fund!

Cailleach666 · 10/09/2017 13:04

Huffletuff depends on the type of period.

I get no pre menstrual symptoms, no pain, I never moan.

I am sure if I needed attention my OH would " spoil " me too.

But apart from having to use sanitary protection my period passes unnoticed even by me, so no need for me to make a drama out of it.

Huffletuff · 10/09/2017 13:06

@Cailleach666

That's fair enough, and something that I can only dream off! My periods are irregular, very dramatic and he couldn't not notice as they leave me bedridden for at least three weeks!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/09/2017 13:08

Doesn't mean you're closed off if you don't discuss it or share every intimate detail.

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